Posts Tagged purging
Relationships 101 Week 1
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Well, it is February after all, so, I thought I’d make this next series of articles dedicated to the top of how to have a great relationship.
I am guessing that you have at least one relationship in your life? And I’m guessing that you might like to know how to feel more confident, secure, trusting, open and intimate in that relationship?? And maybe you want to be able to know the difference between what is your “stuff,” i.e. what you have responsibility for and what you have control over, and what has nothing to do with you at all?
What about learning how to discuss sensitive issues with the greatest ease and to the highest possible resolution? That would be a good thing, no?
What about learning how to know when you’ve truly done your best and how to let go of relationships that can never meet your needs without feeling guilty, bad, like a failure, responsible, ashamed or at all uncertain that you’re doing the right thing?
Yes, it’s possible. In fact, when you follow these basic steps that we’re going to explore over the next few weeks, you’ll see how there is a method to being successful in relationships. It’s not a secret. You didn’t miss the class where everyone else got shown how to do relationships. We all need to be shown this one way or another. And there’s no time like the present, right? Right!
We’ll tackle each of the above core relationship issues as we go through the next month or so, and by the end of it all, you’ll know exactly how to create and maintain the relationships you seek in all areas of your life. It may take a little practice but you’ll at least have a lay of the land, know what you’re shooting for, and what to do to reach your goals.
And in case you haven’t put this together for yourself yet, let me reassure you that when you begin to work with these tools you will also naturally be building your self-esteem and sense of equality with others as well as naturally loosening the stranglehold that food and harmful all-or-nothing thinking has on you.
For this week we’re going all the way back to the beginning of any relationship, back before there were two, to just you.
Now, I realize that you’ve already likely got a couple of connections in your life if not many, and I’m not suggesting that you abandon them and start from scratch. I’m suggesting that until you step back from your connections for a moment and get very clear with yourself about what it is that you are looking for from others and what it is that you bring to the table, you can’t even truly begin to assess the quality of the connections you’ve got now, let alone begin to do your part to make them as strong and healthy as they can possibly be and hold others accountable in the same way.
So, for this week, to make the best use out of this series and start creating the relationships you desire, there is a little time and energy required of you. It will pay you off in spades, I guarantee you.
- Allow yourself to imagine the key people you’ve had in your life, however briefly or far removed, that you really felt safe with and really felt respect for and respected by. If no one comes to mind, as can be the case, use characters from Hollywood movies, cable TV shows or books that you liked (I confess that when I began to explore this concept for myself in my search for healthy female friendships and healthy romantic partnerships, I was so starved for healthy female role models that I clung to the integrity, confidence, self-respect and courage that Angela Lansbury’s character, Jessica Fletcher, portrayed in the “Murder She Wrote” TV series (she’s got serious values and chutzpah, that gal!). In other words, feel free to use anyone that comes to mind as your foil for a respectful, healthy, grounded person.
- Make a list of the characteristics and traits that those people embody in your experience of them.
- If you’re stuck, ask yourself the reverse question: What has been/is present in your relationships in which you have felt unsafe, insecure, and /or disrespected? Now turn that around and that’s what you want, i.e. a past partner of mine would threaten to leave every time – literally – I held him accountable to his commitments (that relationship didn’t last long!). If I were to turn that very unsafe pattern around into what I want, I’d say I need friends/partners who have integrity; who are committed to honouring their word and who are respectful and accepting of the consequences of not doing so; someone who can apologize openly, learn from their mistakes and express their anger or fear in ways that aren’t shaming or blaming but rather bring us closer together and deepen my respect for them. To me, these pieces are fundamental to any healthy relationship.
- Now, add to that list, any additional traits, characteristics, values, and principles that are important to you in order for you to feel safe and respected and trusting of another person. **Notice how your inner critic (the Drill Sgt.) may chime in about what you can and can’t ask for; what you are deserving of; what you are entitled to; what the unlikely chances are of you actually getting this and simply use your Drill Sgt. dialogue tool: What is your intention in saying that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And when you get to the end, just thank your Drill Sgt. for his intention, tell him how he could achieve that outcome with greater respect and enhance your self-esteem instead of trashing it. Remember your inner critic loves you, he just is very confused about what love is and how best to show it…remind you of anyone from your past??
- This is your list of traits and values and principles that you need someone to have in order to feel safe, trusting, and respected in your relationship with that person. Regardless of whether you think it’s possible for you or whether you worry that that person doesn’t even exist, this is what you need! No other connection is going to feel safe to you, so don’t settle. We ALWAYS get what we are willing to settle for. Don’t be willing to settle for anyone who doesn’t create a sense of respect, safety and trust with you. (And don’t be willing to settle for anything less in your relationship with yourself either!)
- You may want to add a few additional traits for that special someone….but otherwise, you are looking for people who fit these characteristics and you’re not going to waste your time and energy trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of these core traits and behaviours, not unless you want to continue to feel insecure and use food to cope that is.
Steve-o
Last Monday, the 17th of January, 2011, my step-father Stephen Patton died suddenly. All last week I was actively engaged in supporting my mom, family members (my son was so very close to Steve or Steve-o as I called him) and myself through the process of funeral arrangements, services, wills and other related bits and pieces. And don’t let me forget – grieving.
I think you might like to know that I didn’t feel the slightest bit compelled to use food to cope or alcohol etc., etc., rather I felt grounded, centred, grief-stricken, grateful to have known Steve-o and to have had the many wonderful moments with him that I did.
(more…)Saying I Love You Part Deux
Well! You guys/gals are totally awesome!!!!
I have received such incredible sharing this week in regards to your efforts in the challenge I gave you in last week’s article about: Saying I love you, Thank you, and I’m Sorry.
First off, I am so excited and touched and thrilled and happy for you that you accepted this challenge as you did. It takes a great deal of courage to be willing to look within at old patterns and to then take action to change what needs a tweak (or a major overhaul)! It takes great courage but it’s so incredibly worth it.
The wonderful thing is that those of you who took the plunge and challenged yourself to say “Thank you” and “I’m Sorry” and “I love you” all learned such amazing things about yourself and gave yourself the gift of deeper connections with others. Woohoooo!!!
(more…)Saying Thank You, I’m Sorry, and I Love You
This week I thought I’d give you a little communication assignment and ask you to provide me some feedback on what you discover by saying thank you, I’m sorry, and I love you. Your feedback and my knowledge on the subject will form the body of next week’s Tools For Recovery article.
One of the hardest things that we who use food to cope have to learn to do is to find true peace and comfort with being honest about our imperfection. Yes, folks, we are imperfect. We screw up, we stick our foot in our mouths, we forget birthdays, forget to return calls, inadvertently (and perhaps sometimes intentionally) say things that hurt people’s feelings. We sometimes run late, we make errors when we text or email people, we don’t always follow through on our commitments to ourselves or others.
We err. It’s human.
(more…)The Fastest Path to Self-Confidence, Part Deux
Last week I gave you a little task designed to help you begin to quickly get grounded in your right to feel and think as you do and to ask for what you need without guilt, shame, or insecurity and become self confident.
I’ll recap the core message, since I know it’s been a busy 7 days, and some of you may have forgotten, or not have yet got around to reading last week’s article, The Fastest Path to Self-Confidence.
The short version: If you’re using food to cope, you’re out of touch with reality.
There, that about sums it up!
Have a great week.
Just joshin’! There’s more.
Let me fill that statement above out a bit for you and then let’s move on to answering the question: “What can I do to feel more confident in my life as quickly as humanly possible, and in so doing, stop feeling so overwhelmed that I harm myself with binging, purging or restricting?”
(more…)Perception is Truly Everything
One of the most ironic things about those of us who use (or have used) food to cope is that we’re very smart. We’re also very intuitive. We’re also very trusting and as such, very vulnerable. This above all else means that if we ever hope to be truly free of binging or purging or restricting and any stressful focus on food, we need first and foremost to learn to listen to and respect ourselves about what we’re feeling and needing, and we need to absolutely trust ourselves to respect those feelings and the messages they contain about our needs at that time. We are not fools, and try as we might, we cannot pretend that we’re okay when we’re not or that something isn’t bothering us when it is.
(more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Self
Leave a Comment (3) →Back to the Basics of How to Overcome an Eating Disorder
For this week’s article I thought a wee review (intro to you newcomers) of a basic principle on how to overcome an eating disorder would be in order. In my own healing journey, the more I was reminded of this basic premise, the faster things went and the easier life became. I see this phenomenon repeating with my individual clients as well, so here goes.
Simply put, if you’re restricting, overeating, purging, hating your body (no matter whether you’re truly overweight or underweight), feeling depressed, feeling anxious, drinking often, taking drugs, numbing out regularly to the T.V., or spending money you don’t really have on stuff you don’t really need, you are using a coping strategy.
(more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre
Leave a Comment (1) →CEDRIC’s Weekly Update for Week 27, 2010
Hello out there! We’ve had another fabulous week here at CEDRIC with book sales, workshop preparation, new clients beginning their process with us, other clients graduating, and as always, amazing sharing and transformation on our web-based program. And to top it all off, I just had my most favorite kind of session of all! It’s the session where, after a few short months, someone who was, for years, feeling completely controlled by food and loathing themselves 24/7 is now feeling happy, peaceful, light, free. They are no longer using food to cope. They are liking their body and enjoying exercise. They are also establishing stronger, more intimate connections with family and new friends, even potential boyfriends, after years of feeling unworthy, stupid, and completely unlovable. I love those closure sessions where there simply isn’t anything to report or work on. Everything on the giant mountain of unfinished business that used to be ever-present and create such chronic anxiety and the need to overeat/restrict/purge is now taken care of. Day-to-day events are met with confidence and self-trust. The future is perceived as, “Nothing to worry about – I know I’ll deal with whatever comes up when it comes up. I’m not going to sweat about the future. I’m just gonna kick back and enjoy life.” Oh Yeah!!! Freedom! And for this particular person, that complete about-face and solid sense of peace and trust took 4 months and a total of 14 counselling sessions (including today, which was really just a formality and tying up loose ends). That’s it, that’s all. That’s a very typical experience, too. I am so very excited when someone steps free completely from the food stress. It’s a whole new world and a whole new life. You’re free to be the best you can be in all ways. I am so very touched also, when clients are willing to share their thoughts and feelings about our work together. It is such a gift to me to know how this process just works. I invite you to explore just some of the wonderful feedback we’ve received this past week alone, from clients: • Thanks again Michelle, you have such a wonderful way of cutting through the bullshit and getting to the point. • I’m feeling so positive about everything right now. It feels so good to come out of the dark. • Thank you so much for the Cedric Centre, your compassion and friendship. Everything I am learning is such a gift. Words cannot describe it. And a little note I received about our daily centering exercises (these are a staple of our web-based program): • These are fantastic, Michelle – I look forward to them so much. And last, but so far from least, a letter from a client (not the one mentioned above) who just completed her work with me two weeks ago. We worked together for 3 ½ months. “Thank you so much for your incredible dedication in the past few months. You’ve been invaluable in helping me understand the process of overcoming food and body obsession and I will carry all these incredible tools and insights with me forever. If I could share any words with those who are considering engaging in a similar process, this is what I would like to say: You won’t regret it! If you’re anything like me, you’re here because things seem desperate, and yet, there is a voice inside you that is saying that another way is possible. You don’t have to live the rest of your life feeling anxious and unhappy around food and your body. You’re ready to make changes and to begin to focus on things that really matter to you. This process, like any other journey worth taking, will have ups and down, challenges and rewards. It also may seem to take forever to make progress, especially when compared with the “quick fix” of either a binge or crash diet. You will find, however, that in working with this gifted and dedicated team, momentum builds quickly and sooner than you think, you will be seeing things in a completely new and exciting light. Don’t despair, you’re in good hands! Trust in this process. It is sound, makes sense and will work if your commitment to yourself and to change is strong. Keep your commitment strong by staying rooted in your compassion. Self-criticism has gotten you this far, now it’s time to switch gears and to start nurturing the part of yourself that is kind and gentle. When you make mistakes, be gentle. When you have success, celebrate. When you ask questions, be kind. When you set goals, be generous. It is amazing to feel yourself softening into self-compassion and soon, you won’t want to live anywhere else. Congratulations! You’ve taken the first tiny but very important step in greatly improving the course of the rest of your life! I know that my work through this Centre has done exactly that for me and I couldn’t be happier about it!” Signed, S So there you have it! Thank you, ladies and gents for your generosity in providing me with such amazing feedback. As always, my team and I are here if you want to reach out and get some questions answered or begin to receive support for yourself or someone you love. Have a great week, and enjoy this week’s free article! LoveCEDRIC’s Weekly Update for Week 26, 2010
Well, I hope you’ve had a fantastic week. We’ve had an amazing response to our summer workshops! Our Phase I workshop is bursting at the seams and our Phase II event at the end of August is filling up nicely. These workshops are always fabulous events that lead to so much growth and change for participants. I can’t help but be excited for you! Our events in Kelowna are shaping up, too. I’ll be in Kelowna on Wednesday, August 18th to provide a full day training event for professionals and a 3-hour introductory educational workshop for the general public. Registration information will be posted on our web site as of next week but if you’d like info before then, just email me directly @ mmorand@cedriccentre.com. And in case you haven’t noticed, as of 2 weeks ago, CEDRIC officially has a podcast! Yay!! Every week there will be a download accessible through our blog directly or through iTunes. If you like, you can subscribe to it and get a notification of its posting each week. I encourage you to have a listen. The more ways we experience a new message, the more it sinks in, that’s why we have so many different ways for you to approach your work with us. Have a great week! Love