Archive for Relationships 101

Magical Thinking: The Real Cause of Your Unhappiness

Understanding How Your Thinking Impacts Your Self-Esteem, Your Ability to Create Healthy Relationships and Prevents you From Getting a Grip on Food, Binging and Weight Loss

You’re a magical thinker.

Michelle Morand - Magical Thinking and Self-Esteem

That’s not a criticism, or a flaw. It’s the reality of the human brain. Magical thinking is a part of our wiring and it is also a key component of many of the most enjoyable parts of our culture and entertainment and a great way to release tension and stress. And it’s called magical thinking because it is not based in reality or on the facts of the situation as they truly exist.

It’s why kids so readily believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and monsters under the bed. Magical thinking is the equivalent of clicking your ruby heels together, saying ‘there’s no place like home’ 3 times and expecting yourself to be transported from the gridlock you’re stuck in on the freeway to your front door.

It’s also why, since the dawn of humanity, each distinct culture has had their own spiritual or religious belief system, often with similarities that can only be seen as direct plagiarism, and yet still, each group of believers believes, with absolute certainty, that theirs is the only ‘real’ one.

And, perhaps, closer to home, magical thinking is the reason that, despite the many times your partner has not followed through on doing what he said he’d do, or has treated you disrespectfully, you still think that you’re going to get what you need in that relationship.

In reality, it makes no sense to hang around, expecting someone to change a behaviour that is hurting you unless they admit they need to change AND get help to learn why they do what they do and what to do to change it. Anything else is pure magical thinking on your part and will keep you stuck in a relationship that will never truly provide the love and security you seek.

What is Magical Thinking?

Essentially, magical thinking is an instinctual thought process, designed overall to make us feel happy and hopeful in the face of the many hardships in the reality of life.  The day dream that I’m going to win the lottery helps me, if I’m struggling financially, to not worry so much, at least for that moment, about my financial future and winding up on skid row with my home in a shopping cart.

Hence the magical thinking I engage in at that moment really does make me feel happy and that plants a little seed in my brain – creates some neurones firing in a certain way – that may lead me, the next time I get stressed about my bank account, to revisit that lottery win fantasy and get a break from the stress of my reality.

That’s all well and good if I don’t get stressed too often about money and if I remember that my imagined lottery winnings are a fantasy and not some psychic indicator of what my future holds. If I quit my job and wait for the winning ticket, or I don’t save for my future because I expect my windfall, that’s taking my magical thinking too far and forgetting to include a healthy dose of reality in my planning.

Addictions are a prime example of magical thinking. Imagining that drinking or taking drugs or binging is really going to make things better, beyond the immediate chemical release of feel good hormones into my blood stream, is complete magical thinking and yet, it is because it makes us feel good in the immediate moment and because we don’t know what else to do to solve our problems and feel good in a long-term, big picture way, we keep reaching for those magical solutions.

Relationships are often approach the same way. I know I’m not happy and that I’m not getting what I need in this relationship and yet on occasion things feel good and it’s familiar and so I stick around, allowing my magical thinking to transport me to a time in the future when things will change. And in the meantime I stay put in a crappy relationship rather than leave and create the space for the relationship I really want.

Telling Ourselves Stories

You see magical thinking works two ways – it can tell us fantasy stories of the lovely things that will come, if for no other reason than because we desire them, and it can tell us horror stories of the terrible fates that will befall us if we take a certain action – particularly if we change the current familiar setting of our life such as change our job, move towns, end a relationship or stand up for ourselves with someone.

It is natural for the human brain to lean towards belief systems and explanations of events that will make us feel happy. This has been proven beyond a doubt in many solid scientific studies and is spoken of with great, easy reading detail and wit by Daniel Gilbert in his fantastic blend of science and human interest, ‘Stumbling on Happiness.’

So we come by this magical thinking thing honestly and it serves a purpose in our lives at any age. But it has a serious downside.

You miss out on the reality of life and on many opportunities it naturally provides you to create what it is you really want and to build self-esteem and healthy relationships.

So, you need to be able to be aware of when you are in magical thinking and when you are in reality. This allows you to make a conscious choice and to therefore be in control of where your mind takes you and of the actions you choose in your efforts to make yourself happy.

If you are not trained to think rationally and clearly; If you haven’t been shown how to assess a situation for the actual facts vs. your fantasies, your brain will naturally default into magical thinking – what you wish were true, rather than reminding you that you don’t have enough facts or information to form any sort of opinion yet.

This leads you to continue to see the world in a way that isn’t based on facts and therefore limits you to repeating old patterns and prevents you from taking advantage of the real opportunities that do present themselves.

Functional Relationship Basics

If you haven’t had solid role models who taught you the basics of functional relationship:

  1. What good communication looks like – how to ask effectively and reasonably for what you need and want;
  2. What is reasonable to expect of others and them to expect of you; and
  3. What you are responsible for in any situation vs. what other are responsible for,

you, and anyone else lacking that training, will naturally struggle with knowing how to feel confident and secure in yourself and in your relationships with others and this will lead your brain to lean more on the fantasy / magical thinking to make you happy rather than looking for solutions to the actual problems at hand.

Unfortunately, sometimes the magical thinking part of our brain believes that telling you that you’re stupid or fat or ugly or useless or unlovable or unworthy or just plain ‘not good enough’ is going to help you to be happier.

The ‘logic’ behind this irrational thought process is that if you are not getting what you need in the way of caring, support and reassurance it is easier for you handle –ie. you’ll be happier – if you think that it’s about you and that means there’s something you could possibly do about the situation to make it better.

Thus, lacking functional relationship skills, and lacking the ability to think beyond the immediate moment and therefore explore long-term solutions to our present day stress, our magical thinking brain will default to making pretty much everything that isn’t going well for us (and pretty much everyone else), about something that is bad or wrong or unacceptable in us.

Our rational brain can see that this is irrational. How can I possibly be responsible for my partner losing his job or having a bad day? And even if I did or said something that upset him, how does it make sense that it’s okay for him to yell or to threaten or to withdraw his affection for me? How is that rational, reasonable or at all loving?

There are lots of appropriate and loving ways to express frustration and hurt in a relationship. You may not have experienced them as a child and as such you’ve got a magical thinking idea that, even though it didn’t feel good and you felt anxious and insecure a lot, the way that your parents or teachers or ‘friends’ expressed ‘love’ is normal and how it should be. In reality, if it isn’t feeling good and respectful and safe to you it isn’t right. End of story.

Are You Settling?

If you’re settling for a relationship where you are being told you’re at fault for how someone feels or whenever you bring up a concern about the way your partner is behaving they say something like ‘it’s just how I am,’ your brain is stuck in magical thinking mode and your relationship will not improve until you learn how to master your thinking and to see when others are thinking irrationally vs. reasonably.

Instead you’ll stay stuck thinking that something is wrong with you and that you need to figure out what it is and change it and then you’ll be able to get the love and acceptance you seek.

In reality, any time you compromise yourself for a relationship (partner, parent, friendship, or job) you are in magical thinking. You’re telling yourself a story that the only way for you to get what you need (love, support, acceptance) is to agree to something that really doesn’t feel right to you.

Dieting, as it exists in our 21st Century culture, is, for many North Americans (and Europeans and Africans and Asians too as statistics show) a form of magical thinking that has been cultivated by the multi-billion dollar per year diet industry, to such epic proportions of fame and notoriety that the likes of Santa Claus and Justin Beiber could only dream of.

Diet Mentality Magical Thinking

The Diet Mentality magical thinking goes something like this:

I am not getting the love, acceptance, job, validation and support that I desire. I am feeling anxious and depressed, stuck and insignificant as a result. If I were thin I would a. feel better about myself and b. others would find me more desirable as a partner, friend or employee.  So, I’d better get thin, fast!

Forget that I’ve felt this insecurity and self-doubt as long as I can remember. Forget that there are people who do love and care about me and even some that have professed, or currently do profess to find me desirable. Forget even that I’ve tried a bunch of diets before with no lasting success.

The diet centre people (or the commercial or the magazine cover or the fitness trainer at the gym) said that this diet really works! And if I can lose X pounds per week for X weeks all my problems will be over!!! I’ll be feeling so much better about myself that I’ll be able to figure all the other bits out no problem. All I have to do is just stick to this plan for X weeks!

Forget that I’ve never been successful with sticking to the plan for that long (like most North American women, you may find that sticking to a diet beyond 2 weeks is highly unlikely) or that some inner part of you is tugging at you, niggling at you, and saying ‘we tried this before and if nothing has changed it doesn’t make sense to assume it’s going to go any better this time!’ 

You don’t know what to do to make yourself feel more confident and to solve those issues of money, relationship, career etc. so, even if it makes no sense and some part of you is pretty sure you’re wasting your time, you’re going to try the latest diet and hope for the best!

 Sound familiar?

The diet industry sells a great fairy tale. It’s a lovely story of a brief journey of deprivation which will ultimately provide you the happiness and self-confidence and love and security you seek in the world. How long have you been feeling crappy about yourself or your body? How many times have you tried to feel better by dieting or rigorous exercise programs?

The reality is, if you have extra weight on your body because of anything other than an illness or injury, you use food to cope. No diet will fix that.

 If people around you say you look fine, even sexy or great, and you still think you need to lose weight, the truth is, no diet will fix that either.

What Real Self Esteem Is

 You don’t need to look a certain way or eat certain foods in order to be lovable or to feel confident in yourself.

You need to trust that you’re seeing the world and the people in it clearly and that you are capable of communicating clearly about what you feel and need and of setting reasonable expectations for yourself and others. That’s what self-esteem is. That is what makes you feel confident and secure in yourself.

No amount of listening to someone else tell you what or how to eat is going to provide that for you. No amount of ignoring your body’s cues of hunger is going to build the confidence and security you seek.

Learning the basics of relationships and self-esteem is the key and then, as if by magic, your relationship with food will change. And you will lose weight and feel great without dieting or being preoccupied with exercise or with what you’re eating. That’s reality.

But that doesn’t make any money for the diet industry so you won’t hear them telling you that.

Next time you start to think negatively about yourself or your body or what you’re eating, instead of starting to think about diets and weight loss, try this instead. Ask yourself:

‘Separate from food and body image, what was I just thinking about or what just happened that might have triggered the magical thinking part of my brain to make me think of dieting and weight loss as a way of making me feel better?’

You’ll quickly uncover the really stressor in that moment, which will always have a solution that is much simpler and faster than the diet mentality one you’ve been trying for years with no ultimate success.

You can train your brain to stay in reality and use the magical thinking consciously for fun and play. Right now, if you’re stuck in the Diet Mentality approach to problem solving, your magical thinking is running the show. The path to real happiness lies in learning to master your brain and be in control of how much time you spend in magical thinking vs. reality.

This is actually a pretty simple fix. Some basic life skills and self-awareness tools is all it takes to master your brain and stop the magical thinking in your brain from running your life.

Posted in: 2013, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, Brain Chemistry, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Uncategorized

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The Secret to Creating Great Relationships

The Secret to Creating Great Relationships

Michelle Morand - The Secret to Great Relationships
The Secret to Creating Great Relationships by Michelle Morand,MA, Founder of The CEDRIC Centre for Counselling

Hi all, this article began as a response to a question I received from an on line program member as part of our group chat forum and it’s such a common experience for everyone who uses food to cope I thought I’d turn it into an article and share it with all of you out there in our global community. 

The topic is that of our relationships to other people and how we can get what we need in our relationships with others directly and confidently and not feel so obligated and responsible for everyone else. 

The truth is, everyone who struggles with addictions like binge eating, eating disorders, alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling, over-spending, internet, raging, isolating, procrastinating and all other harmful patterns of behaviour struggles first and foremost with this pattern. So, if this is you, you come by it honestly – and the good news is there is a simple fix.

It took me many years of therapy and some fairly crappy relationship experiences a.k.a. significant learning opportunities to figure this one out. My response below is intended to spare you that time and energy and provide you with what I wish I had all those years ago – a simple way of understanding what’s not working and a simple first step for what to do about it.

Happy reading.

M.


Question From A.S.:

Something I’m a bit unclear about is the idea that it’s not my responsibility to guess other people’s needs. I spend a lot of time feeling responsible for other people and believing I have to figure out what they need and then make sure they get it. I can see how this causes great stress for me and makes my life much more stressful and complicated than it needs to be.

But I get stuck in my efforts to change this because I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated myself and the truth is I would absolutely love it if everyone could pick up on my most subtle needs and wants without me ever having to articulate them!

So, when I am taking on responsibility for other people’s moods, needs, and desires, I’m actually wishing that they cared enough about me to do the same. How do I sort this out so I can stop feeling so obligated and insecure in my relationships and get what I really need from others?

Michelle’s Response:

The Inside Scoop: What is Really Preventing You From Creating Great Relationships

 This really is a great question because it is an issue we all deal with when we are healing a stressful relationship with food and struggling with negative body image. These two very common coping strategies are key indicators of anxiety/insecurity triggered by confusion about what is healthy and reasonable vs. harmful and unreasonable in relationships.

First, let me reassure you that it is perfectly natural and very healthy to want to be cared for, to feel safe and nurtured and to trust that we are important to other people.

The problem isn’t you. It’s not some fundamental flaw in you or something about your weight, hair color, your style, your laugh or your intellect. And it isn’t your need or desire to feel loved and cared for either. The problem is in the way that you, and most others on the planet, have been taught to go about meeting those natural needs for connection and support that is the real issue.

The old approach to relationships is doomed from the start because it’s based on manipulation, guilt, and poor communication which can never lead to a healthy, loving, safe and secure connection with anyone.  Instead it leads to chronic anxiety, insecurity and self-consciousness; second guessing everything we say and do; and ultimately feeling hurt and resentful because despite our best efforts we don’t seem to be able to get what we need from the people in our lives.

And this leads to you focusing on food and body image as a means of self-medication and distraction and, so you believe in the moment, empowerment to change so that you can feel better about yourself and these painful and awkward relationship experiences will stop happening….right?….No, actually, and that’s why these patterns get worse, not better, despite your repeated and determined efforts.

So, you come by it honestly – in fact most of the population of the planet has been trained to approach relationships from this co-dependent perspective – so you’re in good company. The answer to why this training is so rampant is another article entirely. You can find some of the answer in an article I wrote a year or so ago which is posted on my blog and entitled:  The Way We Were: The Influence of our Ancestors on our Lives Today  

So, What Actually Does Create Solid, Loving Fulfilling Relationships?

The fact is, instead of this old, rampant but harmful co-dependent training, what people really need to be shown, if they want to feel confident and secure in themselves and in their relationships, and stop leaning on food, isolation, procrastination, drugs and/or alcohol to cope with their insecurity and stress, is a way of relating to other humans that makes sense, feels safe, and most importantly, gets you what you need (most of the time).

In this adult, interdependent approach to the world:

1. We prioritize respecting how we feel – we don’t dismiss and judge ourselves for having feelings;

 2. We take the time to identify and show respect for our needs – we don’t call ourselves weak and needy for having them or let anyone else stop us from respecting them, speaking up about them, or meeting them. We do not give anyone else the power to decide if our needs are reasonable or appropriate – we decide this for ourselves based on how we feel and on our trust in our ability to think rationally and behave reasonably (if you use food to cope, or other harmful coping strategies, you lack this trust and need help to build it – it’s not hard it just takes some guidance and support);

3. We ask confidently and directly for what we need and work with others to find solutions that will work equally well for both of us – and 99.9% of the time there is one! Truly.;

4. We feel strong and confident in ourselves – we trust our perspective and trust ourselves not to compromise ourselves for anyone or anything. We know, in our gut, that we have just as much right as anyone else to take up space and get what we need.

And because we also know that there is almost always a way for both parties to get what they really need we don’t feel obligated to compromise ourselves or to push others into meeting our needs. We feel like we belong. We feel truly grown up; a feeling that only comes from taking full responsibility for ourselves while letting others be ultimately responsible for themselves.

In case you’re wondering, everything we do in The CEDRIC Method, whether it is through individual counselling, workshops, books, workbooks etc., or our online education and support program, is geared towards teaching you how to change your approach to life from the old, irrational, harmful insecure one (a.k.a. Co-dependence) to a strong, straight-forward, confident one (a.k.a. Interdependence).

We do this by teaching you how to identify what you feel; what that means about what you need; and how to meet those needs in ways that demonstrate respect for you and for the others in your life.

If you’ve been engaged with CEDRIC for any length of time, you know already from your experience with this process that your need for food to cope with stress lessens the more you approach life from this adult, rational perspective.

I’ve written a more detailed response to your question below if you’d like to understand my answer a bit more, but in addition to the above, the short answer to your question is:

If you want something –  anything, from anyone – you need to ask for it, clearly and respectfully, unless you’re prepared to be just fine with not getting it and you are committed to not telling yourself stories about how people don’t care about you because they’re not reading your mind or don’t care enough to think about what you need.

Those are your options if you want to think and feel the way I described above. It’s that simple.

There are ways of asking for things that will create a greater likelihood of a positive response and they all include self-confidence, self-trust, reasonable expectations, and simple, concise requests. In all my work with CEDRIC members and clients these skills are a key component and lead to increased confidence and happiness overall as well as to a complete release from food and body image stress.


Ultimately If You’re an Adult, The Truth Is You Always Have a Choice:

A. Ask directly for what you need and commit to finding a way to meet your need that demonstrates respect for yourself and others. Or

B. Accept that you aren’t ready or willing at this time to ask directly for what you need and get the support to do the work you need to do to identify what is preventing you from doing so and offer yourself empathy and compassion for the life experience that has led you to feel so frightened of direct and honest communication. (By the way, there is nothing about you that will prevent you from figuring this out – if you haven’t mastered this yet it’s only because no one showed you how.)

C. Keep hinting, manipulating, using passive-aggressive techniques and continue to feel insecure and take things personally, damaging your relationships along the way, thus creating “proof” that you are not lovable, worthy, deserving, and therefore shouldn’t dare ask outright for what you need.

I personally am a fan of options A & B in tandem while you’re learning – some situations and people will be easier to be direct with right away and others will require a little processing and coaching – which you can get through the forums and classes on the web program or through an individual session with me. Ultimately you’ll naturally begin to just live in option A – it’s so much easier once you’re thinking clearly. On that note – let’s look a little deeper into what prevents you from thinking clearly.

What Gets In the Way of you Mastering the Secret to Great Relationships?

In order to sort this out first let’s clarify the key assumptions you’re making here that are harming you. Then let’s explore how to shake them loose and start approaching relationships in a way that will truly bring you happiness, peace, and confidence in life.

 Assumption 1:

If I compromise myself for others they will see that I am doing this and

  • a) Like/love me more for doing it; and
  • b) Do the same for me.

Assumption 2:

This will make me happy and lead to healthy relationships where I feel secure and loved.

(Pan to image of green, grassy field with colorful flowers dancing gently in the summer breeze; sun setting as a couple walks peacefully hand in hand over the rise and out of sight.)

Reality:

Sorry to trash your dream (and mine too in the past) but both of these assumptions are complete fantasy. That’s why we (and soooo many others) feel so unhappy and insecure in our / their relationships.

No matter what we do; how much we bend over backwards for others, we can never feel safe and secure in our relationships and trust that the other person really loves and cares for us if we continue to approach relationships from these assumptions.

Think of it this way, if you know that someone close to you doesn’t ask directly for what they need, but instead:

  • hints,
  • uses silent treatment or manipulation or anger, or
  • plays the martyr or victim card to get people to do things for them out of pity;
  • or says or does nothing at the time but laments after the fact about what they needed/wanted/wished someone would have done.

Really? How much trust and safety will you feel in your relationship with that person?

Or what if someone you know allows themselves to be manipulated by such tactics even though they really don’t want to do those things and they feel frustrated, resentful, obligated, and manipulated, how confident are you going to be that they really mean what they say to you?

How solid are you going to feel in that relationship when you know they aren’t honest with others about what they feel and want and need, and that they express frustration behind the others’ back but seem to do nothing to address things directly so that they can actually be resolved?

You’re not going to feel at all solid or secure or peaceful in those connections. Your trust in that person will be very limited. This is the problem with the co-dependent approach to relationships. The co-dependent approach creates a belief that we have to continue to compromise ourselves.

It says that we can’t possibly just be honest about what we need or feel, or do or don’t want, because if we did the other person would not like us or want to be with us, they’d leave us / reject us, and we would be alone and unlovable. Pan to grubby bag lady on skid row…

This is what I call all-or-nothing thinking (or irrational thinking) but like all irrational thinking, until we are able to see why it doesn’t make sense and learn other ways of getting our needs met, we won’t see how harmful it is or even that our approach needs a tweak.

Sure, we’ll experience the feelings of dissatisfaction and insecurity of this confused and doomed-to-fail approach to getting what we need, but we will mistakenly and confusedly assume that we just need to try harder, do more, be thinner or prettier…and then people will appreciate us, never leave us, and start giving back in kind. Right?? Nope. And you’re living proof of that – as are we all.

It’s the same line of confused thinking that makes us believe that even though every attempt we’ve made at dieting has ended in disaster, we should keep trying the diets because certainly there can’t be anything wrong with dieting – it’s so normal, it’s so popular, it must work, right??

And therefore (the story continues), the problem must lie with us and our intellect (we’re just too stupid), our laziness (we never follow through; we just didn’t try hard enough), our willpower (we just don’t have the inner strength to stick to a commitment), our self-esteem (we just don’t care enough about ourselves to take better care of ourselves) etc. etc.

Not! The problem with diets is that they don’t get to the root of why you have extra weight on your body in the first place.

Why are you eating more than you are hungry for?

What leads you to eat the things you do even when you know they aren’t the best choices for you?

Those are the issues that must be addressed for you to be successful with weight loss and your relationship with food. And once you’ve figured that out your relationship with food will naturally shift and you won’t need any diet program to tell you what’s healthy and what isn’t and when you’re hungry and when you’re not.

The Two Types of People You’re Most Likely To Attract – And Why That Isn’t a Good Thing:

In the same vein, it isn’t that you’re not lovable or worthy of respect and caring that makes people ignore your needs or not pick up on your cues, however subtle or otherwise. It’s the fact that you believe in the first place that you can’t just directly ask for what you want and need and still be loved and cared for. Instead you think that you have to be sneaky or hint or manipulate or just sit back and hope for the best or risk abandonment and rejection and the affirmation of your ‘not-good-enough-ness.’ That is what leads you to experience the pain of doomed relationships and why you will inevitably find yourself repeatedly in relationship with one of two kinds of people:

1. The ‘takers’ are very willing to accept your willingness to compromise and use you as long as you’ll let them.

These people aren’t willing or able to reciprocate in kind and the way you approach your relationships makes it so they never have to. Then as soon as you start to want a little more balance in the give and take department suddenly you’re labeled as selfish, demanding, manipulative etc. and they move on to find another who is willing to meet their needs without them having to reciprocate and you’re left assuming you’re the problem and that it’s all because you asked for what you need. In reality it’s because you were willing to accept a relationship where you met their needs without asking for anything directly in return that got you into that pickle in the first place. 

2. Folks like you who don’t feel confident enough in themselves to ask directly for what they need either. 

Those that hint or guilt trip or manipulate or sit quietly, giving, giving, giving and then either just leave the relationship, assuming that you’ll never be able to meet their needs or they finally explode with their pain and frustration from their unmet needs; telling you that you’re selfish, inconsiderate etc. etc. when all the while you’ve been desperately trying to be respectful, read their minds, and meet their needs.

This kind of relationship naturally ends with you either feeling highly insecure and dissatisfied because of the lack of direct feedback and communication, or with you feeling totally confused and frustrated because you thought you were meeting their needs – they didn’t say you weren’t – and now they’re telling you you’re selfish or that you can’t make them happy? Argggg!!

Now do you see why this approach is doomed? No wonder people choose the monastery!!…or food…or alcohol…or the internet…

The Real C-Word:

Where things go sideways is in the expectations we have of others and the definitions that we have for what caring, consideration, and importance should look like:

As mentioned above, the approach to relationship that you currently struggle with is what is referred to as co-dependent – and that term simply means that we feel responsible for what other people need and feel, above our own needs, and we expect that they should think and behave the same way.

From the co-dependent perspective someone only loves you and really cares about you when they are willing to intuit your needs and meet them without you asking and when they are willing to compromise themselves for you and do what you want whether it’s what they really want or not – in fact, many co-dependents take this one step further, believing that what they want should be what you want if you really cared about them because your life would be about them being happy first and foremost. Clearly there is no room for different needs or opinions or for individuality here.

If you believe that can’t be yourself and truly respect what you want and feel and need as well as consider the needs of others, you never get to feel the confidence and trust and intimacy that comes from knowing that the other person really sees and fully loves you for who you are. The relationship is doomed to stay in a state of infancy and insecurity and that gets tiring after a while and many people become disillusioned because their fantasy of their needs always being met has fallen through and rather than exploring the rationality of this expectation they end the relationship, move on, and start again with someone whom they believe will really meet their needs this time.

This is a pattern that can play out not just in romantic partnerships but in parent-child and sibling relationships, in friendships, on school PAC’s and in work settings. And if you have this way of thinking it will permeate all of your relationships not just your romantic partnership.

It is helpful in shedding our old co-dependent approach to relationship to see it not as a flaw of character or some innate dysfunction but for what it really is:

A kind of developmental delay (due to poor role modeling and relationship training) that we can outgrow fairly quickly with the proper education and support. 

The Secret to Creating Great Relationships – What Healthy Human Relationships Really Look Like:

Think of it this way:

It’s perfectly appropriate for a little child – an infant, toddler, or preschooler, to expect that their caregivers are going to meet their needs without them having to ask for it because these little people are largely incapable of meeting their own needs or even communicating what they are.

Sure, the little one cries or screams and smiles or laughs to indicate their needs and pleasures but the adults around them have, ideally, been thinking ahead to when they’ll need feeding, changing, clothing, napping etc. and have been meeting those needs without being asked to do so. In essence the world truly does revolve around us when we’re little people, and given we have no other frame of reference for life at that point, this experience gets lodged as peachy keen and as the way we can expect that things will always be.

As we get a little older, we naturally want to explore the world a bit more and unconsciously we still expect our parents or caregivers to be at our beck and call and to solve any problem we might have, usually without us asking. Tantrums ensure when boundaries are set but these can be reduced and set aside with caregivers who demonstrate through their words and actions that they are there for us, they care, and that things are changing and that it’s okay to start thinking about other people as well as yourself.

Ideally at this stage we are gently encouraged to step out on our own a bit, take a bit more responsibility for ourselves (put away our toys, put our dishes in the sink, tidy our room with some help etc.) but ideally the safe container of our caregivers is always there, gently supporting us to take steps to independence but there to catch us if we fall or just to hear about the day’s events and keep us safe from harm that we are too young to foresee or understand. 

At this stage, which carries through into our adolescence, we should feel safe and supported to explore the world knowing that we have reasonable, loving people who have our back and will help us to sort out things that don’t make sense, and who will also set reasonable boundaries to help us understand what is healthy and what is harmful, and what is reasonable human behaviour.

From this place we naturally launch, often still with natural trepidation for the newness of it all, into a life that is more independent – whether living on our own or simply spending more time with school, work, and friendship pursuits. The safe container is still there but we feel supported to launch and live our lives, free from any sense of emotional burden or guilt or need to compromise ourselves for our parents or anyone else. 

Caring but not Compromising

From this place, we naturally care about others and what they feel and need and we are more than happy to help people out when we can, but we know that we are not in any way obligated to compromise ourselves or our needs for others and that if we want something it’s up to us to ask for it and make it happen.

From this perspective it also becomes clear to us that if someone else wants something the same is true for them: They need to not expect us to meet their needs unless it’s been previously agreed that we will and they need to ask clearly and respectfully for what they need or experience the natural consequences of their needs not being met as they would like or perhaps even at all.  

From a healthy independent place we also know that we are not obligated to meet anyone’s needs and that our responsibility is, first and foremost, to be clear on what we feel, what that means about what we need, and identify ways that we will get what we need that do not compromise or demand things of other people.

We know that if someone feels they have to compromise themselves or their plans to meet our needs it will only damage the relationship and create a sense of burden, obligation and resentment on the part of the compromiser and some sense of expectation of us making a compromise in return. This, we know, is not an acceptable choice if we value our connection with that person and so we will not knowingly support others to compromise themselves nor will we do that ourselves.

Instead, we will talk with the other involved to explain our needs and to understand theirs and to find a solution that works for both of us, if we can (and 99.9% of the time you can) and if we can’t, we agree to go our separate ways on this subject, and possibly, depending on the issue, for good. But even in that worst case scenario parting-of-ways outcome we know we did our best and we have no guilt, no regrets and move on feeling clear and clean.

If you’re not approaching your relationships in this way you are stuck in the old co-dependent training but you don’t have to be.

The First Step to Changing from Co-dependence to Interdependence:

Try a little experiment this week: You’ll learn a lot and it will set the stage for safe, stable, simple, respectful change.

For this week (or for as long as you’d like):

Notice: anytime you’re feeling annoyed, irritated, resentful, resistant or impatient with someone. Or times when you are avoiding seeing or speaking to someone or responding to their communication via text or email.

 Then: Ask yourself these 3 questions as often as you notice the above (Hint – making notes makes things move faster…):

 1. What is it that I really need from/with this person in order to feel open and peaceful with them? 

2. What would I need to say to them to communicate this clearly – what specific, concrete, request could I make that would allow me to feel more safe and respected by this person?

3. Can I commit to doing that asap? If so – go for it!!!  If not – why not – what am I telling myself will happen if I ask for what I need.

This exercise will teach you a lot about what you think of yourself and others and what beliefs you carry about asking directly for what you need – prepare to learn lots and then reach out and let’s get cracking on making the shift from co-dependent to interdependent.

Remember, it’s natural to have doubt about anything new, but change doesn’t have to be hard, slow and painful – in fact it can be simple and even fun and exciting when you’re ready and you have the right guide and the right tools.

Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com

Posted in: 2013, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Uncategorized

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The Trick to Saying No Without Feeling Guilty – At All…Not a Tinge…Really!

If you’d like to learn the art of saying no without feeling guilty at all, this article will give you the education and information you need to get started! You see, in my work as a specialist with clients who struggle with anxiety, self-confidence, overeating, or dieting and weight loss, at some point we naturally address the topic of how to say no without feeling guilty.

Learn to say no without feeling guilty and stop binging while you're at it.
Learn to say no without feeling guilty and stop binging while you’re at it.

I often hear things like:

  • “If I say no to someone, they are going to think I’m mean or that I don’t care.”
  • “If I only did what I really wanted to do people will think I’m selfish.”
  • “If I ask for what I need, people will judge me as demanding or high-maintenance.”

In other words, a common theme that many men and women struggle with is that they are stuck in the belief that it isn’t possible to get what they need and want without offending or hurting others, and ultimately winding up rejected and alone.

Given that people naturally need to feel loved and accepted, this doesn’t feel like a stellar outcome. And because we don’t know that there is another option, we sacrifice and compromise ourselves for others and wind up feeling overrun, resentful and using food or alcohol, shopping, or T.V. to cope with our frustration and fatigue.

And, in reality, it is true that you cannot guarantee that you won’t “hurt” or “offend” or downright “piss off” others when you take care of yourself. But rather than being proof that you’re doomed to sacrifice and compromise yourself forever, this fundamental truth is actually your key to freedom.

You see, the trick to saying no without feeling guilty, and to being truly happy on this planet is that you must be able to trust yourself that you are not going to agree to anything that doesn’t feel truly right for you.

Whether it’s what you’re eating, drinking, watching or doing, or what other people want you to do or agree to, you have to know, not just in your head, but deep down in your gut, that your primary responsibility on this planet is to make sure that you are taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and psychologically.

Therefore, you are doing life right and being a healthy, responsible adult if you notice that you feel uncomfortable about something and say so, regardless of what others might think or whether they agree.

You are doing life right if you realize that you don’t want to do something and you stop doing it regardless of whether others may want you to continue or believe that you are weak, lazy, lacking willpower, or ‘giving up,’ or that you are preventing them from having or doing what they want if you stop.

You are doing life right if you take the time to decide how you truly feel about something before agreeing to it, and you trust yourself to say no if it isn’t up your alley, regardless of the pressure others might put on you to make a decision pronto, and to decide in the way they want you to.

If you think otherwise, all that means is that somewhere along the line in your socialization and training to be a human (typically stemming from your family of origin) you were told, through the words or actions of others, that the only way for you to be a ‘nice’ person or a ‘good’ boy or girl, and therefore be acceptable and lovable as a human, is to do whatever you have to do to make other people happy.

In this backwards training – also known as co-dependence – you are brainwashed to believe that the only way you’re going to be seen as a good person and liked by others, and therefore safe and secure in your relationships, is if you put the needs and feelings of others above your own.

In truth this is not healthy or reasonable or conducive to functional relationships and happiness. In fact, it is highly immature and confused thinking and it is the root cause of most of the dysfunction in our society today.

You can prove this to yourself by simply asking yourself:

  • Do you think it’s appropriate to expect someone else to compromise themselves (what they really feel, think, or want) in order to make you happy.
  • Does that seem healthy or reasonable?
  • Would you actually want someone to do that?
  • Would it make you feel loved, trusting and truly secure in the relationship?
  • Does that way of thinking lead to healthy, open, respectful, warm, friendly relationships or does it lead to relationships where people feel insecure, burdened, obligated, guilty, and just plain anxious because they don’t know if the person they’re relating to really likes them or just what they can do for them?

What is the Reality?

In reality, it is impossible to expect yourself to feel happy and secure in a relationship where you, and/or the other person, are not being your true selves. The connection won’t be able to be solid and deep and you’ll feel that as something missing and/or as insecurity. This is fundamentally because if you’re not being honest in a relationship about what you really need and want and feel, you never truly know if the person really likes you for you.

In this type of co-dependent relationship you can’t just relax because you feel obligated to always filter your thoughts, feelings, and needs through the lens of ‘What do they expect me to say/do? What do they need/want? What would they like?’ rather than ‘What am I truly feeling and needing right now, and how can I communicate that as respectfully and reasonably as possible.’

That way of relating is exhausting and not at all fulfilling or sustainable, hence the high ratio of unhappy relationships vs. happy ones and high rates of divorce/break-ups.

This is because, really, no one can stay happy and fulfilled in a relationship where they don’t feel they can ask for what they need and want, and simultaneously feel that they have to make sure that everyone else gets what they need and want. It is a recipe for divorce before the relationship has even begun.

I don’t know anyone who can sustain that for too long without becoming depressed, leaning on some junk food or other substances, or an extra-marital affair to cope.

The main issue really is that the co-dependent – ‘I’m responsible for your feelings and needs’ – approach to relationship doesn’t even allow for the possibility that who you are is enough; that who you are is lovable, as you are; and that there is always a way for both people to get what they really need if they’re well suited, open to talking about it, and willing to work together to find a solution.

If someone is upset by the fact that you aren’t willing or interested in doing something with or for them because it doesn’t feel right or you don’t have the time or you simply don’t want to, it means that they, themselves, are stuck in the old immature, irrational, co-dependent training that insists that you should be willing to compromise yourself for them simply because they think you should.

From that mindset we also believe that ‘If you loved me you’d do what I want, whether you want to or not, just because you love me.’ And that goes hand-in-hand with another common, co-dependent story: ‘If I have to ask you for it, it doesn’t count!

In other words, if you really love me you’re supposed to just know what I want, how and when, without me having to ask you. You’re supposed to focus so much attention on me and my life that you should be thinking of what I need and never do anything for yourself without considering me first.

This is an exceptionally common perspective and yet none of these thoughts have any basis in reality and cannot be a part of any healthy relationship. Instead they lead to pain and suffering and to the greatest likelihood that you do not get what you need in this relationship or any other connection to which you bring this belief system.

Think about it this way, how many times have people said (or you heard later through the grapevine) that they were upset with something you did or said that in your mind was truly innocent or which you had no idea they did or didn’t want because they never said anything?

I’ll bet it’s been happening since you were a little child. If you overeat, or struggle with weight loss, or feel like areas of your life are in disarray, I’m going to bet that you also struggle with some of this co-dependence stuff (it’s actually exceptionally common to varying degrees as it hails from our social training as humans but also from our evolution and brain development as children).

I’m also going to bet that you work very, very, very hard to intuit (guess) what others want or need; to meet their needs without them asking; and to never do or say anything that might upset others or reveal a strong opinion about yourself.

This approach to relationship, if you’re an adult, has very little to do with the people around you and more to do with your confused perspective on what a good person does and what a healthy/normal relationship looks like.

What are Your Needs?

In reality, if loving you means I have to compromise what I truly want and feel, the truth is you and I aren’t right for each other. It doesn’t in any way mean you’re wrong for feeling and wanting and needing what you do, or that I’m bad or mean, or don’t care about you because I won’t meet your need.

It simply means you’re looking for something that is different from who I am or what I feel right about giving at this time. This goes both ways. I’m not a lesser person or lacking in some fundamental way if you don’t want to be my friend or have a relationship with me, I’m just not your kind of person and unless I’m telling myself you’re god, and what you think is what everyone thinks, and also RIGHT, all we have is a difference of opinion and interests, likes and dislikes and that’s natural and healthy too.

We are not going to be a fit for every one of the 7 billion folks on the planet right? And neither is everyone going to be a fit for us. Our job as individuals is to learn to be as respectfully authentic as we can and give ourselves the chance to see that many great and wonderful people with whom your relationship just fits and hums are attracted to you professionally, friendship wise and romantically when you are yourself.

The co-dependent approach to relationship implies that deep down inside you believe that if you were yourself people would not like you; that who you really are is just not acceptable; lovable; or good enough. And I can assure you that is total crudola! And I can prove it to you too if you’re interested; let me know.

A healthy approach to relationships requires you to think in a different way completely from the old co-dependent training. If doing what is truly right for you doesn’t work for someone else you still get to do what’s right for you. You are not obligated to compromise yourself for them (This does not count for any dependent children you have but for anyone else it’s a natural law).

As an adult you truly are allowed to focus on you and your needs first and foremost and anyone who doesn’t agree is very immature and confused in their thinking and needs some education and support to get with reality.

And don’t worry, you are not going to become a narcissistic, selfish you-know-what simply because you take the time to listen to how you feel and what you really need and prioritize finding ways to do what feels right to you over doing what others want of you. (Believe me – there’s a lot of room between where you’re at now and that extreme other end of the spectrum – and if you’re reading this article you’re smart enough to find the sweet spot in the middle.)

The Interdependent Approach

In truth, this interdependent approach to relationship naturally leads to you becoming:

  1. A strong, confident, secure person who knows what she feels and needs and doesn’t let others tell her otherwise;
  2. Someone who really can be there for others because she only makes commitments that feel right and that she knows she both wants to, and can, uphold without compromising her self-care or her integrity in any way; and
  3. Someone others truly respect because they know they can trust that whatever you are doing is what you really want to do, not what you feel guilted or obligated to do.

So, yes, taking care of yourself means that sometimes people will not get what they need from you, at least in that moment, and possibly never if what they want compromises your values or integrity in some way.

But the reality is, unless you’ve signed a contract to put others’ needs first and to not get what you need until everyone else is happy, happy, happy, that’s not actually your concern – and you will soon see this clearly, trust it, and feel okay letting all that old pressure go.

In reality healthy relationships consist of people who know that they are responsible for getting what they need and want and that the other person is ultimately responsible for their own needs.

They know that a healthy relationship is one in which we often do meet each other’s needs, not out of a sense of compromise and obligation but because our requests are reasonable, don’t compromise the other, and because we have enough in common that what they want is often the same as what I want.

In healthy relationships if there are times when their needs don’t jive with the other’s (and there will be, sometimes), people do not try and force or manipulate an outcome that works for them only. Instead, they are committed to working with the other involved to find a solution that works for us both, equally.

This is because these folks know that any time a person compromises their needs for another, there is a cost to the relationship and it feels a little less safe and a little less satisfying. Relationships can only withstand so many of these compromises before we are feeling so overrun we’re looking for an exit strategy so we can just be happy.

So, saying ‘No’ is not only ok, it is a necessity if you want your relationship to be healthy and to last.

And, if there is a time when you really want to say no and it seems your needs and someone else’s are in conflict, see what happens when you approach the situation from this perspective:

“I care about you and about our relationship. I want us both to be happy. So I commit to not moving forward with a decision until we’ve done what we can to find a solution that meets needs for us both.”

What is it that you really need/What is most important to you about X?  Here’s what’s most important to me about X…What are some ways that we can both get what we need?”

So, now instead of assuming that you’re screwed if what you want is different from what someone else wants, you can trust that, in every situation, there is almost always a way for you and another reasonable human being to get what you both want and need.

If you struggle with saying no and taking care of yourself, I assure you that thinking in this new way will lead to greater peace, happiness and self-confidence, and to healthier relationships than you have ever had.

Please leave a comment, ask a question, share your own experiences and above all, if you’d like help to make this your reality, fast, email meand let’s get started.

Love,

Michelle

Posted in: All-or-Nothing Thinking, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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CEDRIC Centre 2013 ‘Master Series’ Workshop Schedule

2013 ‘Master Series’ Workshop Schedule

2013 ‘Master Series’ 3-day Weekend Workshop Schedule

Hours: All workshops run from Friday to Sunday, 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. each day. Cost: All workshops cost $636.00 + tax with payment plans available.

Vancouver Workshops with Michelle Morand, MA, RCC:

‘Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour’ Dates: ; Feb. 22nd to 24th; May 17th to 19th; Aug. 9th to 11th; Oct. 18th to 20th ‘Mastering Balance: Creating Solid Self-Esteem and True Inner Peace’ Dates: March 15th to 17th; June 21st to 23rd; Nov. 15th to 17th ‘Mastering Relationships: The Relationship Equation’ – July 26th to 28th; Dec. 6th to 8th Venue for all Vancouver Workshops: Century Plaza Hotel,  1015 Burrard St, Vancouver, BC V6Z 3B6

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Victoria Workshops with Dawn Cox, M.Ed., psych, RCC:

‘Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour’ Dates: March 8th to 10th, July 12th to 14th and November 8th to 10th Venue: Common Room at 1246 Fairfield, Victoria, BC, V8V 3B5

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Calgary Workshops with Michelle Morand, MA, RCC:

Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour Dates:July 5th to 7th ‘Mastering Balance: Creating Solid Self-Esteem and True Inner Peace’– Dates: July 12th to 14th Venue: MacEwan Conference Centre, U of Calgary, 2500 University Dr NW Calgary, T2N 1N4 There is a hotel at the University, if you would like to stay there as well.
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Posted in: 2012, Complete Recovery, News Release, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Self-Help Services, Services, Upcoming Events, workshops

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The Logic of Binging

Logic of BingingHave you ever wondered why you, or some of the people you care about, seem to feel compelled to do things that they say they don’t want to? Do you ever find yourself doing things like overeating, or calorie-counting/dieting, or drinking a bit too much, or spending a bit too much, or procrastinating on things, or isolating rather than socializing? Well if you’d like to finally understand what’s really going on behind the scenes (in your head!) to make you behave in ways you know aren’t good for you or that will ultimately cause you stress, read on. In order for you to completely understand why you do what you do and what you can do to begin to think, and therefore, behave, differently, I’ve put together a kind of step-by-step flow of logic that will help your brain shift out of confused, stuck thinking and into rational, reasonable thoughts that will influence you to behave in ways that will enhance all aspects of your life. ’Cause, let’s face it, you know that some of the things you do aren’t the best choices, you may even have tried to stop or cut back or make some big lifestyle changes. But if you haven’t understood what’s really driving you to do those things in the first place, you can’t be successful for long, and instead will likely feel more stuck and hopeless rather than inspired and confident. If you’re at all a believer in the concept that your thoughts create your reality, the following logic flow will help you to feel more solid and grounded in clear thinking. This means you will be confidently more present in the world and able to enjoy your food, drink, exercise, free time, and socializing more while being less likely to use any of those substances and behaviours to cope with stress or emotions such as anxiety, anger, insecurity or sadness. The following is a list of basic premises you must accept in order to heal from any stressful patterns of thinking and behaving and live life to the fullest. I encourage you to read this over on a daily basis for a week and you’ll be amazed at the shifts that occur in your relationship with yourself and with others, with little or no effort on your part. (more…)

Posted in: All-or-Nothing Thinking, CEDRIC Centre, Complete Recovery, Natural Eating 101, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, The Law of Attraction, Tips for Natural Eating

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Making it Safe to Forgive

Making it Safe to ForgiveI had an experience earlier this week with my dear husband where I sure as heck didn’t practice what I preach! We have a sensitive topic between us in regards to another dear family member and how best to support them through a difficult time. We often need to agree to just set this topic aside and trust that we will come back to it and it will get sorted in the way we always do, respectfully, amicably, fairly. This time around, I didn’t do so well with that! We agreed we were not going to bring up that topic during our quality time together that day. I committed to that. I meant it. And then….as we talked of this and that….the conversation naturally segued into a discussion about this situation and what the best solution might be so everyone feels good about it. I admit, I brought it up. In my defence, I was halfway through my second or third sentence about it before I realized I had shifted from one topic to that one. What I would like to have done, and what I will do in the future, and have done in the past, would be to say “Ooops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know we had an agreement not to. Can you forgive me? And can we start again?” What I did instead was justify bringing it up (to myself) by thinking – “oh, this wasn’t intentional, it just ….happened.” And, “He’s not flipping out and telling me I shouldn’t be, so it must be fine, right?” (more…)

Posted in: newsletter, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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The first step to thinking rationally (and never using food to cope again).

thinking rationally about foodThis week I want to share an article with you that will get you thinking in a whole different way. If there are ever times these days, when you find yourself feeling stuck between agreeing with someone else’s perspective or holding your ground and honouring your thoughts / feelings / experience, then it is highly likely you’ve been trained to think in an all or nothing way that sounds something like this:
  • If I acknowledge any validity in what you are saying that means I am completely negating my perspective and that makes you “right” and me “wrong.”
Or, put another way:
  • If I let you know that I understand why you think and feel as you do that means I’m saying it’s right or okay and that means you won’t take the time to acknowledge or validate my perspective, nor will you see any need to grow or change (if your perspective/approach doesn’t work for me).  In other words if I acknowledge that I understand you it means I am agreeing with you and therefore I am agreeing to things continuing to be as they are; agreeing that you are “right” and therefore I am “wrong.” I’m not okay with how things are therefore I can’t acknowledge your perspective.  (This, by the way, is the mentality that leads to most of the divorces in our society).
(more…)

Posted in: All-or-Nothing Thinking, newsletter, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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How do I feel peaceful when I know someone is angry or upset with me? – Review

How do I feel peaceful when I know someone is angry This question comes up often in my work with clients, and rightly so. There is much confusion about the distinction between co-dependency and the insecurity it fosters and healthy interdependence and the natural and appropriate concern and consideration of others that it contains. Many spiritual teachers would say that no one can be truly upset with you. They would say that at best people can be upset by the stories they are telling themselves about you that are triggered by their assumptions and projections of who you are and who you should be and by their story that you are responsible for their needs in some way. Thus, when someone is “upset with you” they are merely upset that you are not living up to the projection and stories they have in their heads about what you should or shouldn’t do/say or be. I will say that I find incredible peace and enjoyment in my relationships with others when, if I notice I’m starting to get angry, hurt or anxious, in relation to someone, I separate my “story” of what someone should or shouldn’t have done from the truth of what they actually did and seek to understand their motivation (ie. the needs they were seeking to meet); discuss with the situation with them from a place of seeking to understand and to be understood (rather than seeking to be ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’); and (in most cases) come to a solution that truly meets both parties needs. In other words, the less I take other people’s behaviour personally and simply see it as their best attempt to meet their own needs in that moment, the happier I am in my relationships and resentments just don’t accumulate. (more…)

Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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Making sure your basic needs are met – Review

Making sure your basic needs are met The only reason you ever use food to cope, no exceptions, is because you have needs (See Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Basic Needs Chart on the left) that aren’t being met in some area of your life and you’ve told yourself that you’re not allowed, not deserving, or just not capable of getting them met, no matter what you do. These stories you’re telling yourself lead you to feel depressed and anxious, lethargic and frantic, in other words, they overwhelm you. And when you’re feeling overwhelmed about something you believe you can’t do anything to change or resolve, the only thing to do is to find a way to diminish or discount the impact of that thing: to numb out.   In comes your primary coping strategy. Is it binging?
  • Is it restricting calories, certain kinds of foods, or times of eating regardless of whether you’re hungry or not?
  • Is it purging (through an hour or two of exercise, through laxatives, or vomiting)?
  • Is it an attachment to a certain weight or way of looking?
  • Is it drinking?
  • What about drugs; shopping; gambling; the pursuit of that perfect relationship?
  • Do you take responsibility for what others feel, or what others need?
  • Do you procrastinate to cope with overwhelming things?
  • Do you isolate yourself?
  • Do you avoid certain people or places?
  • Do you resist downtime?
  • Do you resist going to bed at a reasonable hour?
  • Are you a clean freak? Or just the opposite?
(more…)

Posted in: newsletter, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Tips for Natural Eating

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Why Am I So Defensive About What I Eat?

Why Am I So Defensive About What I Eat?


Okay! This week I’m sharing a simple exercise that you can use to examine that lovely trait: Defensiveness and we’ll answer the question: Why am I so defensive about what I eat? It’ll also help you with the close cousin to defensiveness: Making Excuses. This exercise will help you take the first step to feeling more confident about your actions and less reactive to the comments and questions of others. Sound good? Then read on.

Often we get blindsided by certain comments or expressions or situations in general and, if we’re not grounded we can find ourselves reacting and feeling anxious and behaving as though we have to “prove” that we are right or that we are decent people or that the other person is wrong. 

This tactic only ever makes us feel vulnerable, insecure and small. And it is an experience that will inevitably lead us to use our food coping strategy either by getting angry with ourselves and restricting or by feeling small and powerless and binging to numb out and nurture ourselves. Either way we lose. So, let’s do some reconnaissance this week on this pattern.

Notice:
  1. When you feel like you’re put on the defensive (you’re being attacked or judged by others).
  2. When you’re suddenly anxious or feeling insecure with someone.
  3. When you feel like to have to have the “right” answer on the fly.
  4. When you hear yourself explaining your reasons for certain choices or actions or beliefs in a tone other than peaceful and chill.
  5. When you hear yourself justifying your behaviour; arguing about your rightness; rather than just acknowledging it didn’t work for the other person or that you dropped the ball, forgot, or chose not to follow through.
When you notice these indicators of defensiveness and excuse making, start by zipping your lip. Even if you’re in mid-sentence. Stop talking!  Excuse yourself (no pun intended), leave the room/situation as quickly as you can. You can say something like “I need to think about that, I’ll get back to you.”  And go! (more…)

Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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