Posts Tagged co-dependency
The old co-dependent training manual says that you have to agree with everyone because if you don’t you’ll upset them, hurt their feelings, or offend them. The old training manual says that there can be only one “truth” and you are either right or you’re wrong and you do not want to be wrong, because that means you’re stupid; but you should be willing to stifle your truth and play dumb or agreeable if holding fast to your perspective would possibly make anyone else feel dumb or anger them.
In this case you should pretend that you think you’re wrong but really believe that you’re right and begin to carry resentment towards that person and distance from them emotionally if not also physically. In the co-dependent manual you are being bad if you assert your beliefs or rights, regardless of how respectfully you do it. That’s not exactly a recipe for fulfilling relationships with yourself or with anyone else. But it’s in the manual so you have to do it. Or do you?
Following on the theme of approaching conversations with people, this week I want to invite you to consider a new way of thinking about issues that are sensitive or have the potential to impact your relationship with someone.
In my 17 years of freedom from emotional eating I have come from being a very scared, extremely doubtful, negative, all-or-nothing, insecure little person (who thought she was absolutely the fattest, ugliest person on the planet and that everyone else thought so too) to become the person I am today. I’m certainly not issue-free or any where near perfect as my friends and family will happily attest, but open, loving, happy, optimistic, confident and secure, able to know that, while I may screw up, drop the ball, or hurt someone’s feelings, I am not bad or unworthy of love, rather I am always deserving of dignity and respect from myself and from others.
The Diet Mentality of our society says that the way to be externally acceptable is to have breast augmentation, liposuction, no noticeable body fat, and a million dollars. It is not only unrealistic and unnatural, but it is also unhealthful. Ah, but the Drill Sgt. in you doesn’t really care, because the most important thing to him is meeting your needs for security and acceptance. And he believes that those needs must be met outside of yourself and can only be met when you have total acceptance and approval from everyone. He’ll worry about your quality of life and your health and wellness later. Right! Any of you who have been playing the Diet Mentality game for long will know that “later” never comes. From the Drill Sgt.’s perspective, there is always something more that you need to change/do/be in order to secure your place in the world. The only way the Drill Sgt. knows how to do this is to continue to pressure you to look a certain way so that you will finally get the approval and sense of security in the world that you so desperately seek.