Archive for Relationship with Others

Plus Sized Debate

Hello out there.

Plus Sized Debate

There’s a news story that came out a little while ago that I have been reflecting on. Here’s the link if you’d like to check it out.

I wanted to share with you the thoughts that it brought up for me about the Plus Sized Debate that currently rages in our world. 

This link will connect you to an article by a ‘plus-size’ model about clothing sizes and our cultural body image / weight obsession.

I am glad she’s speaking up and challenging the status quo and I also question the definition of this woman as a ‘plus-size’ model. 

I personally look at this woman and struggle to label her as plus-sized in any way. She looks simply healthy and balanced to me.

Maybe I have a distorted idea of what plus sized means…I guess if we look at it literally…plus = more…but more than what? Is it the fashion industry ‘what’…which we already know is notoriously dysfunctional and promotes the notion of bone-rack-at-any-cost? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being ‘plus’ that.

Are they referring to the fitness crazed 6-pack-ab, eating clean and lean crowd…not balanced. Not sustainable for most truly and a large proportion of my clients come from this population – dieticians, nutritionists, fitness trainers and coaches, body builders, athletes. Clearly folks can look ‘fit’ but be far from it in terms of balanced self-care. Remember this if you’re looking at your friend the fitness nut and feeling envious of her slim/toned body.

Look a Little Deeper…

Look deeper – how does she really feel about herself; how is her self-confidence; is her fitness focus about true enjoyment and health and wellness or about needing to be thin. You can be fit and toned and sexy without being a fitness buff and you can look great without having to diet or micro-manage calories and fat grams.

Maybe ‘plus-size’ to some means ‘bigger than normal people’…but, um…what’s normal? Different bodies, different genetic heritage and different interests are naturally going to produce different norms (is a pro-skater plus sized because her thighs are bigger than others?).

I suppose in reality, try as we might to avoid it…the ugly truth is that for most folks the term ‘plus-size’ conjures immediate connotations of being overweight. Why do we need the ‘plus’ in the size – can’t there just be different sizes? Again, ‘plus’ what?

I find the same confounding thinking in folks who get stuck on being ‘good enough’. There is no way, ever that you can be ‘good enough.’ It isn’t a thing or a place you can get to. The term ‘good enough’ on its own means absolutely nothing. You have to qualify it: Good enough for what? Good enough for whom?

Then you get the light bulb moment: good enough for my mom; for my ex; for the job I want; to travel to France, etc.

Some Questions to Ask Yourself

Once you qualify who or what you’re striving to be good enough for you can begin to ask yourself some very valuable and freeing questions:

  • What, in the first place, makes me think that this person or situation is the accurate determiner of my worth/good enough-ness?
  • What makes them ‘right’ and me ‘wrong’?
  • What specifically is the criteria that I believe would make me ‘good enough’ for this person or situation?
  • Is it true that I am not that now? Is it true that I can’t be that if I wanted to and spent some time gathering the tools/skills/knowledge etc.?
  • Would I really want to spend my precious life moments trying to be ‘good enough’ for that person/thing?
  • If I weren’t so busy trying to make others think I’m ‘good enough’ what would I really like to be ‘good enough’ at/for?

I could go on – it’s a very key piece of the healing / recovery / stop-overeating puzzle and it is a discussion and process I explore with every single client at some point in their work with me.

From my past experience, I can completely relate to not feeling ‘good-enough’ and to the chronic insecurity and depression that we live in when we feel that, at our core, there is simply something fundamentally wrong with us. There must be something wrong with us, we presume, otherwise wouldn’t so-and-so have loved us? Wouldn’t so-and-so have been kind to us? Wouldn’t we have been given such-and-such opportunity?

Not necessarily – there are many other possible explanations for why so-and-so did what they did that aren’t about you at all. But that’s a topic for another day.

Exploring Your Emotions

Back to being plus-sized: I used to eat my feelings (and anything else I could get my hands on). That only made me feel worse – fat, gross, ugly, stupid – I used to call myself that everyday and then some. I weighed 40+ pounds more than I naturally do now. (I’ve been my natural weight for 2 decades with no dieting or exercise regimes and haven’t weighed myself since…I dunno when.)

I’m 5’4 and I weigh 125-130-ish lbs depending on the time of year and how active I am – yes, my weight naturally fluctuates over the course of the year, and it doesn’t stress me out – my clothes fit me all year round, through the winter I’m less muscly and through the summer more naturally toned. I don’t diet and I don’t calorie count or ‘watch’ what I eat.

I pay attention to how I feel physically and emotionally. I engage in activities that I truly enjoy such as kayaking, Mixed Martial Arts, an occasional jog, hiking, swimming (in the ocean when the weather is right), snowboarding…etc. It all depends on the season and the weather – the point really is that it’s all stuff I enjoy and there’s a variety of activities that I feel drawn to explore depending on the variables of season, weather, how much time I have, etc.

I respond to my emotions by respecting them and exploring them and, if I’m having a feeling that I don’t want to keep having, I take the time to figure out what triggered it and what I can do to resolve that. This makes me feel like I can trust myself to respect myself and like I can always find a solution to the problems in my life. I didn’t used to feel that way at all – I felt constantly anxious and like everything was insurmountable, and my fault to boot. Somehow I believed that if I was just thinner, these things wouldn’t happen.

The way I see it now, feelings are signs for me to explore how I’m thinking and what’s happening in my life. There is always a solution to whatever is bugging me that will make me feel better about myself and help me to feel peaceful and confident.

If I can eat what I’d like, exercise moderately – have fun/play/dance/kayak/walk the dog – and not have to watch what I eat or weigh myself 5 times a day like I used to ‘to keep myself in check’, I believe everyone can.

I didn’t used to think I could be happy with myself unless I was eating a certain way or weighed a certain number on the scale or took a certain pant size. And I made that a self-fulfilling prophesy for quite a few years – I was miserable, insecure, anxious, isolating, and binging and dieting my face off. And I kept gaining weight.

I felt powerless and frustrated. I started every day by staring at and judging my stomach rolls while simultaneously hopping on the scale hoping that the binge I had last night hadn’t had a lasting impact and that the attempts I made at dieting during the day had at least some effect on the ‘bottom’ line. Inevitably I was doomed – even if, by some miracle, I had lost weight it would be 1/8th or 1/4 of a pound – no where near the 40+ pounds I needed to lose in order to be ‘good enough’.

This naturally led to yet another day of me feeling anxious and insecure and creating a desperate need for binge food while at the same time promising myself I wouldn’t do it again!!! Yep, many years of my life were spent that way.

At that time in my life I was plus-sized. I had to shop in ‘special’ stores, of which, 20+ years ago, there were 2 in all of Vancouver, BC. How’s that for the fashion industry delivering a message about my body?

Today, by anyone’s standards I think, I’m a reasonable weight for my body but I still have to buy large undies! It is what it is to me now – I need undies that are comfy and don’t give me panty lines – and these are often a size large – big whoop. But back in the diet mentality days of my life, I’d prefer to chafe and struggle to breathe over buying anything with a ‘large’ tag on it. I’d be mortified. It truly felt like the biggest and worst thing a person could ever be: Large! (Insert scary organ music here!!)

But that wasn’t me thinking. That was what I had been taught to think by my parents and their distorted, diet mentality approach to life. I just hadn’t even entertained the possibility that they may have been confused or downright irrational in their approach to happiness and self-esteem. 

Among those who have yet to truly feel ‘good enough’ for themselves,  there is often a desperate need to de-exist (I’m sure that’s a word…) Why are people so eager to be a size zero? What do they believe that will mean?

Are they thinking: ‘I’m finally good enough, attractive enough, lovable enough, sexy enough because I’m so small no clothes will fit me? ‘ 

How does that number on your pants correspond to your worth or love-ability as a human being?

Um….it doesn’t – unless you’re trying to make someone with a small brain and huge judgement finally see you as ‘good enough’ – which I recommend strongly against.

Someone who is truly that ignorant of what true love and true acceptance are about will never be able to be rational enough to have a healthy relationship with you in the first place (probably why you feel so insecure around them in the first place – they can’t meet your needs for reassurance and acceptance because they don’t have a clue how! Not because you aren’t worth it!).

You’ll never be able to feel truly loved by them because they don’t even understand the term. So, move on if that’s you. Even if it’s your mom or dad or auntie or grandma doing the slamming – If they are not simply concerned for your health and happiness and demonstrating they love you and accept you as you are – move on – fast.

The need to be accepted and loved is a perfectly healthy human need – persisting in trying to find acceptance and love from folks who judge your worth by your weight is not healthy or helpful and will never, ever, be successful.

You Deserve Better

You truly do deserve better – but you won’t find it if you keep beating your head against that brick wall. And if you’re out there buying it – thinking there is something not lovable or good enough about you and that’s why they aren’t more loving or warm or considerate or accepting of you it’s time for you to learn how to think for yourself and to build real self-esteem and to prioritize values like respect, dignity, compassion, self-care, reliability, integrity and trustworthiness (to yourself and others).

This clear thinking makes you feel more confident and less anxious and naturally leads you to feel excited to take better care of yourself. 

Self-esteem means you trust your ability to think clearly and reasonably and you have to have confidence in your perspective. That is the foundation for good self-esteem and a happy life and it also naturally leads to the ability for you to change, effectively and respectfully, the things you see in yourself and in your world that don’t make sense.

Then instead of waiting for everyone around you to feel secure enough in themselves to be able to give you the love you desire, you are naturally, fully, giving it to yourself and through your behaviour you are naturally teaching others how love really looks and feels, at any size.

In the U.K. there is a current initiative to change all the mannequins in clothing shops to a size 16 (from, I think, a size 6)  because the real average size of women in that region is much more 16 than 6. I believe it’s long overdue that a more accurate form of the average female in any region be modelling clothing, jewelry, and anything else that requires modelling to sell.

In my opinion, if folks are naturally a 16 or 20 or 2, so what? Are they nice? Are they honest, trustworthy reliable folks with a good work ethic? Are they capable of rational thought and action? If so, I love them!

If someone has extra weight on their body because they eat when they aren’t hungry to try and pass the time or calm their nerves or soothe or nurture themselves, I help them to feel happy and peaceful and confident in themselves for real – i.e. without needing food to make that happen for a moment.

Whatever the number on their pants or on the scale when they reach that sense of inner confidence and strength and genuine happiness has truly no bearing on their deservedness for love and caring or on their intellect or ability.

I say, unless we know how the person we are looking at achieves their current weight or maintains a certain look, we cannot begin to offer comment on the healthiness or appropriateness of their appearance. I’ve had way too many clients over the past 20 years who are starving themselves or vomiting many times a day to maintain a certain weight while the people around them praise them for their will-power, slimness, and small size. Ya never know what goes on behind closed doors.

For me, I’m far more interested in how happy and confident and secure in yourself you are than in the size of dress you just bought – ‘plus’ or otherwise.

And I know that anyone who is capable of a truly healthy, loving relationship of any kind is going to think the same.

What do you think? Let’s discuss the thoughts that come up for you when you consider these concepts.

Love Michelle

Posted in: 2014, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, CEDRIC Centre, Complete Recovery, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self

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Magical Thinking: The Real Cause of Your Unhappiness

Understanding How Your Thinking Impacts Your Self-Esteem, Your Ability to Create Healthy Relationships and Prevents you From Getting a Grip on Food, Binging and Weight Loss

You’re a magical thinker.

Michelle Morand - Magical Thinking and Self-Esteem

That’s not a criticism, or a flaw. It’s the reality of the human brain. Magical thinking is a part of our wiring and it is also a key component of many of the most enjoyable parts of our culture and entertainment and a great way to release tension and stress. And it’s called magical thinking because it is not based in reality or on the facts of the situation as they truly exist.

It’s why kids so readily believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy and monsters under the bed. Magical thinking is the equivalent of clicking your ruby heels together, saying ‘there’s no place like home’ 3 times and expecting yourself to be transported from the gridlock you’re stuck in on the freeway to your front door.

It’s also why, since the dawn of humanity, each distinct culture has had their own spiritual or religious belief system, often with similarities that can only be seen as direct plagiarism, and yet still, each group of believers believes, with absolute certainty, that theirs is the only ‘real’ one.

And, perhaps, closer to home, magical thinking is the reason that, despite the many times your partner has not followed through on doing what he said he’d do, or has treated you disrespectfully, you still think that you’re going to get what you need in that relationship.

In reality, it makes no sense to hang around, expecting someone to change a behaviour that is hurting you unless they admit they need to change AND get help to learn why they do what they do and what to do to change it. Anything else is pure magical thinking on your part and will keep you stuck in a relationship that will never truly provide the love and security you seek.

What is Magical Thinking?

Essentially, magical thinking is an instinctual thought process, designed overall to make us feel happy and hopeful in the face of the many hardships in the reality of life.  The day dream that I’m going to win the lottery helps me, if I’m struggling financially, to not worry so much, at least for that moment, about my financial future and winding up on skid row with my home in a shopping cart.

Hence the magical thinking I engage in at that moment really does make me feel happy and that plants a little seed in my brain – creates some neurones firing in a certain way – that may lead me, the next time I get stressed about my bank account, to revisit that lottery win fantasy and get a break from the stress of my reality.

That’s all well and good if I don’t get stressed too often about money and if I remember that my imagined lottery winnings are a fantasy and not some psychic indicator of what my future holds. If I quit my job and wait for the winning ticket, or I don’t save for my future because I expect my windfall, that’s taking my magical thinking too far and forgetting to include a healthy dose of reality in my planning.

Addictions are a prime example of magical thinking. Imagining that drinking or taking drugs or binging is really going to make things better, beyond the immediate chemical release of feel good hormones into my blood stream, is complete magical thinking and yet, it is because it makes us feel good in the immediate moment and because we don’t know what else to do to solve our problems and feel good in a long-term, big picture way, we keep reaching for those magical solutions.

Relationships are often approach the same way. I know I’m not happy and that I’m not getting what I need in this relationship and yet on occasion things feel good and it’s familiar and so I stick around, allowing my magical thinking to transport me to a time in the future when things will change. And in the meantime I stay put in a crappy relationship rather than leave and create the space for the relationship I really want.

Telling Ourselves Stories

You see magical thinking works two ways – it can tell us fantasy stories of the lovely things that will come, if for no other reason than because we desire them, and it can tell us horror stories of the terrible fates that will befall us if we take a certain action – particularly if we change the current familiar setting of our life such as change our job, move towns, end a relationship or stand up for ourselves with someone.

It is natural for the human brain to lean towards belief systems and explanations of events that will make us feel happy. This has been proven beyond a doubt in many solid scientific studies and is spoken of with great, easy reading detail and wit by Daniel Gilbert in his fantastic blend of science and human interest, ‘Stumbling on Happiness.’

So we come by this magical thinking thing honestly and it serves a purpose in our lives at any age. But it has a serious downside.

You miss out on the reality of life and on many opportunities it naturally provides you to create what it is you really want and to build self-esteem and healthy relationships.

So, you need to be able to be aware of when you are in magical thinking and when you are in reality. This allows you to make a conscious choice and to therefore be in control of where your mind takes you and of the actions you choose in your efforts to make yourself happy.

If you are not trained to think rationally and clearly; If you haven’t been shown how to assess a situation for the actual facts vs. your fantasies, your brain will naturally default into magical thinking – what you wish were true, rather than reminding you that you don’t have enough facts or information to form any sort of opinion yet.

This leads you to continue to see the world in a way that isn’t based on facts and therefore limits you to repeating old patterns and prevents you from taking advantage of the real opportunities that do present themselves.

Functional Relationship Basics

If you haven’t had solid role models who taught you the basics of functional relationship:

  1. What good communication looks like – how to ask effectively and reasonably for what you need and want;
  2. What is reasonable to expect of others and them to expect of you; and
  3. What you are responsible for in any situation vs. what other are responsible for,

you, and anyone else lacking that training, will naturally struggle with knowing how to feel confident and secure in yourself and in your relationships with others and this will lead your brain to lean more on the fantasy / magical thinking to make you happy rather than looking for solutions to the actual problems at hand.

Unfortunately, sometimes the magical thinking part of our brain believes that telling you that you’re stupid or fat or ugly or useless or unlovable or unworthy or just plain ‘not good enough’ is going to help you to be happier.

The ‘logic’ behind this irrational thought process is that if you are not getting what you need in the way of caring, support and reassurance it is easier for you handle –ie. you’ll be happier – if you think that it’s about you and that means there’s something you could possibly do about the situation to make it better.

Thus, lacking functional relationship skills, and lacking the ability to think beyond the immediate moment and therefore explore long-term solutions to our present day stress, our magical thinking brain will default to making pretty much everything that isn’t going well for us (and pretty much everyone else), about something that is bad or wrong or unacceptable in us.

Our rational brain can see that this is irrational. How can I possibly be responsible for my partner losing his job or having a bad day? And even if I did or said something that upset him, how does it make sense that it’s okay for him to yell or to threaten or to withdraw his affection for me? How is that rational, reasonable or at all loving?

There are lots of appropriate and loving ways to express frustration and hurt in a relationship. You may not have experienced them as a child and as such you’ve got a magical thinking idea that, even though it didn’t feel good and you felt anxious and insecure a lot, the way that your parents or teachers or ‘friends’ expressed ‘love’ is normal and how it should be. In reality, if it isn’t feeling good and respectful and safe to you it isn’t right. End of story.

Are You Settling?

If you’re settling for a relationship where you are being told you’re at fault for how someone feels or whenever you bring up a concern about the way your partner is behaving they say something like ‘it’s just how I am,’ your brain is stuck in magical thinking mode and your relationship will not improve until you learn how to master your thinking and to see when others are thinking irrationally vs. reasonably.

Instead you’ll stay stuck thinking that something is wrong with you and that you need to figure out what it is and change it and then you’ll be able to get the love and acceptance you seek.

In reality, any time you compromise yourself for a relationship (partner, parent, friendship, or job) you are in magical thinking. You’re telling yourself a story that the only way for you to get what you need (love, support, acceptance) is to agree to something that really doesn’t feel right to you.

Dieting, as it exists in our 21st Century culture, is, for many North Americans (and Europeans and Africans and Asians too as statistics show) a form of magical thinking that has been cultivated by the multi-billion dollar per year diet industry, to such epic proportions of fame and notoriety that the likes of Santa Claus and Justin Beiber could only dream of.

Diet Mentality Magical Thinking

The Diet Mentality magical thinking goes something like this:

I am not getting the love, acceptance, job, validation and support that I desire. I am feeling anxious and depressed, stuck and insignificant as a result. If I were thin I would a. feel better about myself and b. others would find me more desirable as a partner, friend or employee.  So, I’d better get thin, fast!

Forget that I’ve felt this insecurity and self-doubt as long as I can remember. Forget that there are people who do love and care about me and even some that have professed, or currently do profess to find me desirable. Forget even that I’ve tried a bunch of diets before with no lasting success.

The diet centre people (or the commercial or the magazine cover or the fitness trainer at the gym) said that this diet really works! And if I can lose X pounds per week for X weeks all my problems will be over!!! I’ll be feeling so much better about myself that I’ll be able to figure all the other bits out no problem. All I have to do is just stick to this plan for X weeks!

Forget that I’ve never been successful with sticking to the plan for that long (like most North American women, you may find that sticking to a diet beyond 2 weeks is highly unlikely) or that some inner part of you is tugging at you, niggling at you, and saying ‘we tried this before and if nothing has changed it doesn’t make sense to assume it’s going to go any better this time!’ 

You don’t know what to do to make yourself feel more confident and to solve those issues of money, relationship, career etc. so, even if it makes no sense and some part of you is pretty sure you’re wasting your time, you’re going to try the latest diet and hope for the best!

 Sound familiar?

The diet industry sells a great fairy tale. It’s a lovely story of a brief journey of deprivation which will ultimately provide you the happiness and self-confidence and love and security you seek in the world. How long have you been feeling crappy about yourself or your body? How many times have you tried to feel better by dieting or rigorous exercise programs?

The reality is, if you have extra weight on your body because of anything other than an illness or injury, you use food to cope. No diet will fix that.

 If people around you say you look fine, even sexy or great, and you still think you need to lose weight, the truth is, no diet will fix that either.

What Real Self Esteem Is

 You don’t need to look a certain way or eat certain foods in order to be lovable or to feel confident in yourself.

You need to trust that you’re seeing the world and the people in it clearly and that you are capable of communicating clearly about what you feel and need and of setting reasonable expectations for yourself and others. That’s what self-esteem is. That is what makes you feel confident and secure in yourself.

No amount of listening to someone else tell you what or how to eat is going to provide that for you. No amount of ignoring your body’s cues of hunger is going to build the confidence and security you seek.

Learning the basics of relationships and self-esteem is the key and then, as if by magic, your relationship with food will change. And you will lose weight and feel great without dieting or being preoccupied with exercise or with what you’re eating. That’s reality.

But that doesn’t make any money for the diet industry so you won’t hear them telling you that.

Next time you start to think negatively about yourself or your body or what you’re eating, instead of starting to think about diets and weight loss, try this instead. Ask yourself:

‘Separate from food and body image, what was I just thinking about or what just happened that might have triggered the magical thinking part of my brain to make me think of dieting and weight loss as a way of making me feel better?’

You’ll quickly uncover the really stressor in that moment, which will always have a solution that is much simpler and faster than the diet mentality one you’ve been trying for years with no ultimate success.

You can train your brain to stay in reality and use the magical thinking consciously for fun and play. Right now, if you’re stuck in the Diet Mentality approach to problem solving, your magical thinking is running the show. The path to real happiness lies in learning to master your brain and be in control of how much time you spend in magical thinking vs. reality.

This is actually a pretty simple fix. Some basic life skills and self-awareness tools is all it takes to master your brain and stop the magical thinking in your brain from running your life.

Posted in: 2013, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, Brain Chemistry, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Uncategorized

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The Secret to Creating Great Relationships

The Secret to Creating Great Relationships

Michelle Morand - The Secret to Great Relationships
The Secret to Creating Great Relationships by Michelle Morand,MA, Founder of The CEDRIC Centre for Counselling

Hi all, this article began as a response to a question I received from an on line program member as part of our group chat forum and it’s such a common experience for everyone who uses food to cope I thought I’d turn it into an article and share it with all of you out there in our global community. 

The topic is that of our relationships to other people and how we can get what we need in our relationships with others directly and confidently and not feel so obligated and responsible for everyone else. 

The truth is, everyone who struggles with addictions like binge eating, eating disorders, alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling, over-spending, internet, raging, isolating, procrastinating and all other harmful patterns of behaviour struggles first and foremost with this pattern. So, if this is you, you come by it honestly – and the good news is there is a simple fix.

It took me many years of therapy and some fairly crappy relationship experiences a.k.a. significant learning opportunities to figure this one out. My response below is intended to spare you that time and energy and provide you with what I wish I had all those years ago – a simple way of understanding what’s not working and a simple first step for what to do about it.

Happy reading.

M.


Question From A.S.:

Something I’m a bit unclear about is the idea that it’s not my responsibility to guess other people’s needs. I spend a lot of time feeling responsible for other people and believing I have to figure out what they need and then make sure they get it. I can see how this causes great stress for me and makes my life much more stressful and complicated than it needs to be.

But I get stuck in my efforts to change this because I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated myself and the truth is I would absolutely love it if everyone could pick up on my most subtle needs and wants without me ever having to articulate them!

So, when I am taking on responsibility for other people’s moods, needs, and desires, I’m actually wishing that they cared enough about me to do the same. How do I sort this out so I can stop feeling so obligated and insecure in my relationships and get what I really need from others?

Michelle’s Response:

The Inside Scoop: What is Really Preventing You From Creating Great Relationships

 This really is a great question because it is an issue we all deal with when we are healing a stressful relationship with food and struggling with negative body image. These two very common coping strategies are key indicators of anxiety/insecurity triggered by confusion about what is healthy and reasonable vs. harmful and unreasonable in relationships.

First, let me reassure you that it is perfectly natural and very healthy to want to be cared for, to feel safe and nurtured and to trust that we are important to other people.

The problem isn’t you. It’s not some fundamental flaw in you or something about your weight, hair color, your style, your laugh or your intellect. And it isn’t your need or desire to feel loved and cared for either. The problem is in the way that you, and most others on the planet, have been taught to go about meeting those natural needs for connection and support that is the real issue.

The old approach to relationships is doomed from the start because it’s based on manipulation, guilt, and poor communication which can never lead to a healthy, loving, safe and secure connection with anyone.  Instead it leads to chronic anxiety, insecurity and self-consciousness; second guessing everything we say and do; and ultimately feeling hurt and resentful because despite our best efforts we don’t seem to be able to get what we need from the people in our lives.

And this leads to you focusing on food and body image as a means of self-medication and distraction and, so you believe in the moment, empowerment to change so that you can feel better about yourself and these painful and awkward relationship experiences will stop happening….right?….No, actually, and that’s why these patterns get worse, not better, despite your repeated and determined efforts.

So, you come by it honestly – in fact most of the population of the planet has been trained to approach relationships from this co-dependent perspective – so you’re in good company. The answer to why this training is so rampant is another article entirely. You can find some of the answer in an article I wrote a year or so ago which is posted on my blog and entitled:  The Way We Were: The Influence of our Ancestors on our Lives Today  

So, What Actually Does Create Solid, Loving Fulfilling Relationships?

The fact is, instead of this old, rampant but harmful co-dependent training, what people really need to be shown, if they want to feel confident and secure in themselves and in their relationships, and stop leaning on food, isolation, procrastination, drugs and/or alcohol to cope with their insecurity and stress, is a way of relating to other humans that makes sense, feels safe, and most importantly, gets you what you need (most of the time).

In this adult, interdependent approach to the world:

1. We prioritize respecting how we feel – we don’t dismiss and judge ourselves for having feelings;

 2. We take the time to identify and show respect for our needs – we don’t call ourselves weak and needy for having them or let anyone else stop us from respecting them, speaking up about them, or meeting them. We do not give anyone else the power to decide if our needs are reasonable or appropriate – we decide this for ourselves based on how we feel and on our trust in our ability to think rationally and behave reasonably (if you use food to cope, or other harmful coping strategies, you lack this trust and need help to build it – it’s not hard it just takes some guidance and support);

3. We ask confidently and directly for what we need and work with others to find solutions that will work equally well for both of us – and 99.9% of the time there is one! Truly.;

4. We feel strong and confident in ourselves – we trust our perspective and trust ourselves not to compromise ourselves for anyone or anything. We know, in our gut, that we have just as much right as anyone else to take up space and get what we need.

And because we also know that there is almost always a way for both parties to get what they really need we don’t feel obligated to compromise ourselves or to push others into meeting our needs. We feel like we belong. We feel truly grown up; a feeling that only comes from taking full responsibility for ourselves while letting others be ultimately responsible for themselves.

In case you’re wondering, everything we do in The CEDRIC Method, whether it is through individual counselling, workshops, books, workbooks etc., or our online education and support program, is geared towards teaching you how to change your approach to life from the old, irrational, harmful insecure one (a.k.a. Co-dependence) to a strong, straight-forward, confident one (a.k.a. Interdependence).

We do this by teaching you how to identify what you feel; what that means about what you need; and how to meet those needs in ways that demonstrate respect for you and for the others in your life.

If you’ve been engaged with CEDRIC for any length of time, you know already from your experience with this process that your need for food to cope with stress lessens the more you approach life from this adult, rational perspective.

I’ve written a more detailed response to your question below if you’d like to understand my answer a bit more, but in addition to the above, the short answer to your question is:

If you want something –  anything, from anyone – you need to ask for it, clearly and respectfully, unless you’re prepared to be just fine with not getting it and you are committed to not telling yourself stories about how people don’t care about you because they’re not reading your mind or don’t care enough to think about what you need.

Those are your options if you want to think and feel the way I described above. It’s that simple.

There are ways of asking for things that will create a greater likelihood of a positive response and they all include self-confidence, self-trust, reasonable expectations, and simple, concise requests. In all my work with CEDRIC members and clients these skills are a key component and lead to increased confidence and happiness overall as well as to a complete release from food and body image stress.


Ultimately If You’re an Adult, The Truth Is You Always Have a Choice:

A. Ask directly for what you need and commit to finding a way to meet your need that demonstrates respect for yourself and others. Or

B. Accept that you aren’t ready or willing at this time to ask directly for what you need and get the support to do the work you need to do to identify what is preventing you from doing so and offer yourself empathy and compassion for the life experience that has led you to feel so frightened of direct and honest communication. (By the way, there is nothing about you that will prevent you from figuring this out – if you haven’t mastered this yet it’s only because no one showed you how.)

C. Keep hinting, manipulating, using passive-aggressive techniques and continue to feel insecure and take things personally, damaging your relationships along the way, thus creating “proof” that you are not lovable, worthy, deserving, and therefore shouldn’t dare ask outright for what you need.

I personally am a fan of options A & B in tandem while you’re learning – some situations and people will be easier to be direct with right away and others will require a little processing and coaching – which you can get through the forums and classes on the web program or through an individual session with me. Ultimately you’ll naturally begin to just live in option A – it’s so much easier once you’re thinking clearly. On that note – let’s look a little deeper into what prevents you from thinking clearly.

What Gets In the Way of you Mastering the Secret to Great Relationships?

In order to sort this out first let’s clarify the key assumptions you’re making here that are harming you. Then let’s explore how to shake them loose and start approaching relationships in a way that will truly bring you happiness, peace, and confidence in life.

 Assumption 1:

If I compromise myself for others they will see that I am doing this and

  • a) Like/love me more for doing it; and
  • b) Do the same for me.

Assumption 2:

This will make me happy and lead to healthy relationships where I feel secure and loved.

(Pan to image of green, grassy field with colorful flowers dancing gently in the summer breeze; sun setting as a couple walks peacefully hand in hand over the rise and out of sight.)

Reality:

Sorry to trash your dream (and mine too in the past) but both of these assumptions are complete fantasy. That’s why we (and soooo many others) feel so unhappy and insecure in our / their relationships.

No matter what we do; how much we bend over backwards for others, we can never feel safe and secure in our relationships and trust that the other person really loves and cares for us if we continue to approach relationships from these assumptions.

Think of it this way, if you know that someone close to you doesn’t ask directly for what they need, but instead:

  • hints,
  • uses silent treatment or manipulation or anger, or
  • plays the martyr or victim card to get people to do things for them out of pity;
  • or says or does nothing at the time but laments after the fact about what they needed/wanted/wished someone would have done.

Really? How much trust and safety will you feel in your relationship with that person?

Or what if someone you know allows themselves to be manipulated by such tactics even though they really don’t want to do those things and they feel frustrated, resentful, obligated, and manipulated, how confident are you going to be that they really mean what they say to you?

How solid are you going to feel in that relationship when you know they aren’t honest with others about what they feel and want and need, and that they express frustration behind the others’ back but seem to do nothing to address things directly so that they can actually be resolved?

You’re not going to feel at all solid or secure or peaceful in those connections. Your trust in that person will be very limited. This is the problem with the co-dependent approach to relationships. The co-dependent approach creates a belief that we have to continue to compromise ourselves.

It says that we can’t possibly just be honest about what we need or feel, or do or don’t want, because if we did the other person would not like us or want to be with us, they’d leave us / reject us, and we would be alone and unlovable. Pan to grubby bag lady on skid row…

This is what I call all-or-nothing thinking (or irrational thinking) but like all irrational thinking, until we are able to see why it doesn’t make sense and learn other ways of getting our needs met, we won’t see how harmful it is or even that our approach needs a tweak.

Sure, we’ll experience the feelings of dissatisfaction and insecurity of this confused and doomed-to-fail approach to getting what we need, but we will mistakenly and confusedly assume that we just need to try harder, do more, be thinner or prettier…and then people will appreciate us, never leave us, and start giving back in kind. Right?? Nope. And you’re living proof of that – as are we all.

It’s the same line of confused thinking that makes us believe that even though every attempt we’ve made at dieting has ended in disaster, we should keep trying the diets because certainly there can’t be anything wrong with dieting – it’s so normal, it’s so popular, it must work, right??

And therefore (the story continues), the problem must lie with us and our intellect (we’re just too stupid), our laziness (we never follow through; we just didn’t try hard enough), our willpower (we just don’t have the inner strength to stick to a commitment), our self-esteem (we just don’t care enough about ourselves to take better care of ourselves) etc. etc.

Not! The problem with diets is that they don’t get to the root of why you have extra weight on your body in the first place.

Why are you eating more than you are hungry for?

What leads you to eat the things you do even when you know they aren’t the best choices for you?

Those are the issues that must be addressed for you to be successful with weight loss and your relationship with food. And once you’ve figured that out your relationship with food will naturally shift and you won’t need any diet program to tell you what’s healthy and what isn’t and when you’re hungry and when you’re not.

The Two Types of People You’re Most Likely To Attract – And Why That Isn’t a Good Thing:

In the same vein, it isn’t that you’re not lovable or worthy of respect and caring that makes people ignore your needs or not pick up on your cues, however subtle or otherwise. It’s the fact that you believe in the first place that you can’t just directly ask for what you want and need and still be loved and cared for. Instead you think that you have to be sneaky or hint or manipulate or just sit back and hope for the best or risk abandonment and rejection and the affirmation of your ‘not-good-enough-ness.’ That is what leads you to experience the pain of doomed relationships and why you will inevitably find yourself repeatedly in relationship with one of two kinds of people:

1. The ‘takers’ are very willing to accept your willingness to compromise and use you as long as you’ll let them.

These people aren’t willing or able to reciprocate in kind and the way you approach your relationships makes it so they never have to. Then as soon as you start to want a little more balance in the give and take department suddenly you’re labeled as selfish, demanding, manipulative etc. and they move on to find another who is willing to meet their needs without them having to reciprocate and you’re left assuming you’re the problem and that it’s all because you asked for what you need. In reality it’s because you were willing to accept a relationship where you met their needs without asking for anything directly in return that got you into that pickle in the first place. 

2. Folks like you who don’t feel confident enough in themselves to ask directly for what they need either. 

Those that hint or guilt trip or manipulate or sit quietly, giving, giving, giving and then either just leave the relationship, assuming that you’ll never be able to meet their needs or they finally explode with their pain and frustration from their unmet needs; telling you that you’re selfish, inconsiderate etc. etc. when all the while you’ve been desperately trying to be respectful, read their minds, and meet their needs.

This kind of relationship naturally ends with you either feeling highly insecure and dissatisfied because of the lack of direct feedback and communication, or with you feeling totally confused and frustrated because you thought you were meeting their needs – they didn’t say you weren’t – and now they’re telling you you’re selfish or that you can’t make them happy? Argggg!!

Now do you see why this approach is doomed? No wonder people choose the monastery!!…or food…or alcohol…or the internet…

The Real C-Word:

Where things go sideways is in the expectations we have of others and the definitions that we have for what caring, consideration, and importance should look like:

As mentioned above, the approach to relationship that you currently struggle with is what is referred to as co-dependent – and that term simply means that we feel responsible for what other people need and feel, above our own needs, and we expect that they should think and behave the same way.

From the co-dependent perspective someone only loves you and really cares about you when they are willing to intuit your needs and meet them without you asking and when they are willing to compromise themselves for you and do what you want whether it’s what they really want or not – in fact, many co-dependents take this one step further, believing that what they want should be what you want if you really cared about them because your life would be about them being happy first and foremost. Clearly there is no room for different needs or opinions or for individuality here.

If you believe that can’t be yourself and truly respect what you want and feel and need as well as consider the needs of others, you never get to feel the confidence and trust and intimacy that comes from knowing that the other person really sees and fully loves you for who you are. The relationship is doomed to stay in a state of infancy and insecurity and that gets tiring after a while and many people become disillusioned because their fantasy of their needs always being met has fallen through and rather than exploring the rationality of this expectation they end the relationship, move on, and start again with someone whom they believe will really meet their needs this time.

This is a pattern that can play out not just in romantic partnerships but in parent-child and sibling relationships, in friendships, on school PAC’s and in work settings. And if you have this way of thinking it will permeate all of your relationships not just your romantic partnership.

It is helpful in shedding our old co-dependent approach to relationship to see it not as a flaw of character or some innate dysfunction but for what it really is:

A kind of developmental delay (due to poor role modeling and relationship training) that we can outgrow fairly quickly with the proper education and support. 

The Secret to Creating Great Relationships – What Healthy Human Relationships Really Look Like:

Think of it this way:

It’s perfectly appropriate for a little child – an infant, toddler, or preschooler, to expect that their caregivers are going to meet their needs without them having to ask for it because these little people are largely incapable of meeting their own needs or even communicating what they are.

Sure, the little one cries or screams and smiles or laughs to indicate their needs and pleasures but the adults around them have, ideally, been thinking ahead to when they’ll need feeding, changing, clothing, napping etc. and have been meeting those needs without being asked to do so. In essence the world truly does revolve around us when we’re little people, and given we have no other frame of reference for life at that point, this experience gets lodged as peachy keen and as the way we can expect that things will always be.

As we get a little older, we naturally want to explore the world a bit more and unconsciously we still expect our parents or caregivers to be at our beck and call and to solve any problem we might have, usually without us asking. Tantrums ensure when boundaries are set but these can be reduced and set aside with caregivers who demonstrate through their words and actions that they are there for us, they care, and that things are changing and that it’s okay to start thinking about other people as well as yourself.

Ideally at this stage we are gently encouraged to step out on our own a bit, take a bit more responsibility for ourselves (put away our toys, put our dishes in the sink, tidy our room with some help etc.) but ideally the safe container of our caregivers is always there, gently supporting us to take steps to independence but there to catch us if we fall or just to hear about the day’s events and keep us safe from harm that we are too young to foresee or understand. 

At this stage, which carries through into our adolescence, we should feel safe and supported to explore the world knowing that we have reasonable, loving people who have our back and will help us to sort out things that don’t make sense, and who will also set reasonable boundaries to help us understand what is healthy and what is harmful, and what is reasonable human behaviour.

From this place we naturally launch, often still with natural trepidation for the newness of it all, into a life that is more independent – whether living on our own or simply spending more time with school, work, and friendship pursuits. The safe container is still there but we feel supported to launch and live our lives, free from any sense of emotional burden or guilt or need to compromise ourselves for our parents or anyone else. 

Caring but not Compromising

From this place, we naturally care about others and what they feel and need and we are more than happy to help people out when we can, but we know that we are not in any way obligated to compromise ourselves or our needs for others and that if we want something it’s up to us to ask for it and make it happen.

From this perspective it also becomes clear to us that if someone else wants something the same is true for them: They need to not expect us to meet their needs unless it’s been previously agreed that we will and they need to ask clearly and respectfully for what they need or experience the natural consequences of their needs not being met as they would like or perhaps even at all.  

From a healthy independent place we also know that we are not obligated to meet anyone’s needs and that our responsibility is, first and foremost, to be clear on what we feel, what that means about what we need, and identify ways that we will get what we need that do not compromise or demand things of other people.

We know that if someone feels they have to compromise themselves or their plans to meet our needs it will only damage the relationship and create a sense of burden, obligation and resentment on the part of the compromiser and some sense of expectation of us making a compromise in return. This, we know, is not an acceptable choice if we value our connection with that person and so we will not knowingly support others to compromise themselves nor will we do that ourselves.

Instead, we will talk with the other involved to explain our needs and to understand theirs and to find a solution that works for both of us, if we can (and 99.9% of the time you can) and if we can’t, we agree to go our separate ways on this subject, and possibly, depending on the issue, for good. But even in that worst case scenario parting-of-ways outcome we know we did our best and we have no guilt, no regrets and move on feeling clear and clean.

If you’re not approaching your relationships in this way you are stuck in the old co-dependent training but you don’t have to be.

The First Step to Changing from Co-dependence to Interdependence:

Try a little experiment this week: You’ll learn a lot and it will set the stage for safe, stable, simple, respectful change.

For this week (or for as long as you’d like):

Notice: anytime you’re feeling annoyed, irritated, resentful, resistant or impatient with someone. Or times when you are avoiding seeing or speaking to someone or responding to their communication via text or email.

 Then: Ask yourself these 3 questions as often as you notice the above (Hint – making notes makes things move faster…):

 1. What is it that I really need from/with this person in order to feel open and peaceful with them? 

2. What would I need to say to them to communicate this clearly – what specific, concrete, request could I make that would allow me to feel more safe and respected by this person?

3. Can I commit to doing that asap? If so – go for it!!!  If not – why not – what am I telling myself will happen if I ask for what I need.

This exercise will teach you a lot about what you think of yourself and others and what beliefs you carry about asking directly for what you need – prepare to learn lots and then reach out and let’s get cracking on making the shift from co-dependent to interdependent.

Remember, it’s natural to have doubt about anything new, but change doesn’t have to be hard, slow and painful – in fact it can be simple and even fun and exciting when you’re ready and you have the right guide and the right tools.

Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com

Posted in: 2013, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Uncategorized

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The Trick to Saying No Without Feeling Guilty – At All…Not a Tinge…Really!

If you’d like to learn the art of saying no without feeling guilty at all, this article will give you the education and information you need to get started! You see, in my work as a specialist with clients who struggle with anxiety, self-confidence, overeating, or dieting and weight loss, at some point we naturally address the topic of how to say no without feeling guilty.

Learn to say no without feeling guilty and stop binging while you're at it.
Learn to say no without feeling guilty and stop binging while you’re at it.

I often hear things like:

  • “If I say no to someone, they are going to think I’m mean or that I don’t care.”
  • “If I only did what I really wanted to do people will think I’m selfish.”
  • “If I ask for what I need, people will judge me as demanding or high-maintenance.”

In other words, a common theme that many men and women struggle with is that they are stuck in the belief that it isn’t possible to get what they need and want without offending or hurting others, and ultimately winding up rejected and alone.

Given that people naturally need to feel loved and accepted, this doesn’t feel like a stellar outcome. And because we don’t know that there is another option, we sacrifice and compromise ourselves for others and wind up feeling overrun, resentful and using food or alcohol, shopping, or T.V. to cope with our frustration and fatigue.

And, in reality, it is true that you cannot guarantee that you won’t “hurt” or “offend” or downright “piss off” others when you take care of yourself. But rather than being proof that you’re doomed to sacrifice and compromise yourself forever, this fundamental truth is actually your key to freedom.

You see, the trick to saying no without feeling guilty, and to being truly happy on this planet is that you must be able to trust yourself that you are not going to agree to anything that doesn’t feel truly right for you.

Whether it’s what you’re eating, drinking, watching or doing, or what other people want you to do or agree to, you have to know, not just in your head, but deep down in your gut, that your primary responsibility on this planet is to make sure that you are taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and psychologically.

Therefore, you are doing life right and being a healthy, responsible adult if you notice that you feel uncomfortable about something and say so, regardless of what others might think or whether they agree.

You are doing life right if you realize that you don’t want to do something and you stop doing it regardless of whether others may want you to continue or believe that you are weak, lazy, lacking willpower, or ‘giving up,’ or that you are preventing them from having or doing what they want if you stop.

You are doing life right if you take the time to decide how you truly feel about something before agreeing to it, and you trust yourself to say no if it isn’t up your alley, regardless of the pressure others might put on you to make a decision pronto, and to decide in the way they want you to.

If you think otherwise, all that means is that somewhere along the line in your socialization and training to be a human (typically stemming from your family of origin) you were told, through the words or actions of others, that the only way for you to be a ‘nice’ person or a ‘good’ boy or girl, and therefore be acceptable and lovable as a human, is to do whatever you have to do to make other people happy.

In this backwards training – also known as co-dependence – you are brainwashed to believe that the only way you’re going to be seen as a good person and liked by others, and therefore safe and secure in your relationships, is if you put the needs and feelings of others above your own.

In truth this is not healthy or reasonable or conducive to functional relationships and happiness. In fact, it is highly immature and confused thinking and it is the root cause of most of the dysfunction in our society today.

You can prove this to yourself by simply asking yourself:

  • Do you think it’s appropriate to expect someone else to compromise themselves (what they really feel, think, or want) in order to make you happy.
  • Does that seem healthy or reasonable?
  • Would you actually want someone to do that?
  • Would it make you feel loved, trusting and truly secure in the relationship?
  • Does that way of thinking lead to healthy, open, respectful, warm, friendly relationships or does it lead to relationships where people feel insecure, burdened, obligated, guilty, and just plain anxious because they don’t know if the person they’re relating to really likes them or just what they can do for them?

What is the Reality?

In reality, it is impossible to expect yourself to feel happy and secure in a relationship where you, and/or the other person, are not being your true selves. The connection won’t be able to be solid and deep and you’ll feel that as something missing and/or as insecurity. This is fundamentally because if you’re not being honest in a relationship about what you really need and want and feel, you never truly know if the person really likes you for you.

In this type of co-dependent relationship you can’t just relax because you feel obligated to always filter your thoughts, feelings, and needs through the lens of ‘What do they expect me to say/do? What do they need/want? What would they like?’ rather than ‘What am I truly feeling and needing right now, and how can I communicate that as respectfully and reasonably as possible.’

That way of relating is exhausting and not at all fulfilling or sustainable, hence the high ratio of unhappy relationships vs. happy ones and high rates of divorce/break-ups.

This is because, really, no one can stay happy and fulfilled in a relationship where they don’t feel they can ask for what they need and want, and simultaneously feel that they have to make sure that everyone else gets what they need and want. It is a recipe for divorce before the relationship has even begun.

I don’t know anyone who can sustain that for too long without becoming depressed, leaning on some junk food or other substances, or an extra-marital affair to cope.

The main issue really is that the co-dependent – ‘I’m responsible for your feelings and needs’ – approach to relationship doesn’t even allow for the possibility that who you are is enough; that who you are is lovable, as you are; and that there is always a way for both people to get what they really need if they’re well suited, open to talking about it, and willing to work together to find a solution.

If someone is upset by the fact that you aren’t willing or interested in doing something with or for them because it doesn’t feel right or you don’t have the time or you simply don’t want to, it means that they, themselves, are stuck in the old immature, irrational, co-dependent training that insists that you should be willing to compromise yourself for them simply because they think you should.

From that mindset we also believe that ‘If you loved me you’d do what I want, whether you want to or not, just because you love me.’ And that goes hand-in-hand with another common, co-dependent story: ‘If I have to ask you for it, it doesn’t count!

In other words, if you really love me you’re supposed to just know what I want, how and when, without me having to ask you. You’re supposed to focus so much attention on me and my life that you should be thinking of what I need and never do anything for yourself without considering me first.

This is an exceptionally common perspective and yet none of these thoughts have any basis in reality and cannot be a part of any healthy relationship. Instead they lead to pain and suffering and to the greatest likelihood that you do not get what you need in this relationship or any other connection to which you bring this belief system.

Think about it this way, how many times have people said (or you heard later through the grapevine) that they were upset with something you did or said that in your mind was truly innocent or which you had no idea they did or didn’t want because they never said anything?

I’ll bet it’s been happening since you were a little child. If you overeat, or struggle with weight loss, or feel like areas of your life are in disarray, I’m going to bet that you also struggle with some of this co-dependence stuff (it’s actually exceptionally common to varying degrees as it hails from our social training as humans but also from our evolution and brain development as children).

I’m also going to bet that you work very, very, very hard to intuit (guess) what others want or need; to meet their needs without them asking; and to never do or say anything that might upset others or reveal a strong opinion about yourself.

This approach to relationship, if you’re an adult, has very little to do with the people around you and more to do with your confused perspective on what a good person does and what a healthy/normal relationship looks like.

What are Your Needs?

In reality, if loving you means I have to compromise what I truly want and feel, the truth is you and I aren’t right for each other. It doesn’t in any way mean you’re wrong for feeling and wanting and needing what you do, or that I’m bad or mean, or don’t care about you because I won’t meet your need.

It simply means you’re looking for something that is different from who I am or what I feel right about giving at this time. This goes both ways. I’m not a lesser person or lacking in some fundamental way if you don’t want to be my friend or have a relationship with me, I’m just not your kind of person and unless I’m telling myself you’re god, and what you think is what everyone thinks, and also RIGHT, all we have is a difference of opinion and interests, likes and dislikes and that’s natural and healthy too.

We are not going to be a fit for every one of the 7 billion folks on the planet right? And neither is everyone going to be a fit for us. Our job as individuals is to learn to be as respectfully authentic as we can and give ourselves the chance to see that many great and wonderful people with whom your relationship just fits and hums are attracted to you professionally, friendship wise and romantically when you are yourself.

The co-dependent approach to relationship implies that deep down inside you believe that if you were yourself people would not like you; that who you really are is just not acceptable; lovable; or good enough. And I can assure you that is total crudola! And I can prove it to you too if you’re interested; let me know.

A healthy approach to relationships requires you to think in a different way completely from the old co-dependent training. If doing what is truly right for you doesn’t work for someone else you still get to do what’s right for you. You are not obligated to compromise yourself for them (This does not count for any dependent children you have but for anyone else it’s a natural law).

As an adult you truly are allowed to focus on you and your needs first and foremost and anyone who doesn’t agree is very immature and confused in their thinking and needs some education and support to get with reality.

And don’t worry, you are not going to become a narcissistic, selfish you-know-what simply because you take the time to listen to how you feel and what you really need and prioritize finding ways to do what feels right to you over doing what others want of you. (Believe me – there’s a lot of room between where you’re at now and that extreme other end of the spectrum – and if you’re reading this article you’re smart enough to find the sweet spot in the middle.)

The Interdependent Approach

In truth, this interdependent approach to relationship naturally leads to you becoming:

  1. A strong, confident, secure person who knows what she feels and needs and doesn’t let others tell her otherwise;
  2. Someone who really can be there for others because she only makes commitments that feel right and that she knows she both wants to, and can, uphold without compromising her self-care or her integrity in any way; and
  3. Someone others truly respect because they know they can trust that whatever you are doing is what you really want to do, not what you feel guilted or obligated to do.

So, yes, taking care of yourself means that sometimes people will not get what they need from you, at least in that moment, and possibly never if what they want compromises your values or integrity in some way.

But the reality is, unless you’ve signed a contract to put others’ needs first and to not get what you need until everyone else is happy, happy, happy, that’s not actually your concern – and you will soon see this clearly, trust it, and feel okay letting all that old pressure go.

In reality healthy relationships consist of people who know that they are responsible for getting what they need and want and that the other person is ultimately responsible for their own needs.

They know that a healthy relationship is one in which we often do meet each other’s needs, not out of a sense of compromise and obligation but because our requests are reasonable, don’t compromise the other, and because we have enough in common that what they want is often the same as what I want.

In healthy relationships if there are times when their needs don’t jive with the other’s (and there will be, sometimes), people do not try and force or manipulate an outcome that works for them only. Instead, they are committed to working with the other involved to find a solution that works for us both, equally.

This is because these folks know that any time a person compromises their needs for another, there is a cost to the relationship and it feels a little less safe and a little less satisfying. Relationships can only withstand so many of these compromises before we are feeling so overrun we’re looking for an exit strategy so we can just be happy.

So, saying ‘No’ is not only ok, it is a necessity if you want your relationship to be healthy and to last.

And, if there is a time when you really want to say no and it seems your needs and someone else’s are in conflict, see what happens when you approach the situation from this perspective:

“I care about you and about our relationship. I want us both to be happy. So I commit to not moving forward with a decision until we’ve done what we can to find a solution that meets needs for us both.”

What is it that you really need/What is most important to you about X?  Here’s what’s most important to me about X…What are some ways that we can both get what we need?”

So, now instead of assuming that you’re screwed if what you want is different from what someone else wants, you can trust that, in every situation, there is almost always a way for you and another reasonable human being to get what you both want and need.

If you struggle with saying no and taking care of yourself, I assure you that thinking in this new way will lead to greater peace, happiness and self-confidence, and to healthier relationships than you have ever had.

Please leave a comment, ask a question, share your own experiences and above all, if you’d like help to make this your reality, fast, email meand let’s get started.

Love,

Michelle

Posted in: All-or-Nothing Thinking, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101

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Overcoming Your Love-Hate Relationship With Food

Overcoming Your Love-Hate Relationship With Food

Overcoming Your Love-Hate Relationship With Food


If you’d like to understand, once and for all, why you feel so frustrated about your weight and why your relationship with food is so stressful, this article will explain it all and give you a simple exercise to experiment with so you can start overcoming your love-hate relationship with food. Regardless of whether you are an emotional eater, a compulsive eater or struggle with an eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder this article will help you understand a key piece of the puzzle of what you need to do to change how much room food takes up in your life and in your brain, for good! 

Last week I told you about the relationship between certain foods and your brain chemistry. I gave you the scientific data behind why you are naturally drawn to eat certain foods (like chips, bread, cheese, ice cream and chocolate) even though you know they aren’t the best for you nutritionally and won’t help you reach your weight loss goals. (If you prefer to watch a video rather than read, my video on sidestepping the food-emotion power struggle explains it all and then some.)

This week I want to introduce you to the real issue; the thing that is at the root of it all.

What is it that makes you want those foods, even when you’re not hungry, regardless of your diet plan or your intention to eat well and your true heart’s desire to lose weight and feel great in your body?  Well, through my personal recovery from binge eating disorder and my 20 years as a specialist in the field of eating disorders, addictions, depression, anxiety and trauma, I came to see clearly that the cause of your overeating or diet dilemma, had very little at all to do with food and instead was triggered by some faulty wiring in the supercomputer that is your brain.

I am happy to say that, through the use of neural mapping and the marvels of brain imaging, science has since proven this to be true.  So, we now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you often eat more than you’re hungry for or binge or diet more than once or twice in your lifetime or struggle with anorexia, being eating disorder, or bulimia or other forms of eating disorders the fact is, right now you have in your brain, some mis-wiring and mis-firing that has created what I call ‘a confused stress response.’

This confused stress response is also present in those who find themselves dependent on alcohol, drugs, tv, the internet and other common human coping strategies. As frustrating as this might have been for you until now, it is actually quite easy to change once you know what to do and how to do it. (more…)

Posted in: 2013, All-or-Nothing Thinking, and Binging, Anorexia and Bulimia, Brain Chemistry, Complete Recovery, Natural Eating 101, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating, Uncategorized

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CEDRIC Centre 2013 ‘Master Series’ Workshop Schedule

2013 ‘Master Series’ Workshop Schedule

2013 ‘Master Series’ 3-day Weekend Workshop Schedule

Hours: All workshops run from Friday to Sunday, 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. each day. Cost: All workshops cost $636.00 + tax with payment plans available.

Vancouver Workshops with Michelle Morand, MA, RCC:

‘Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour’ Dates: ; Feb. 22nd to 24th; May 17th to 19th; Aug. 9th to 11th; Oct. 18th to 20th ‘Mastering Balance: Creating Solid Self-Esteem and True Inner Peace’ Dates: March 15th to 17th; June 21st to 23rd; Nov. 15th to 17th ‘Mastering Relationships: The Relationship Equation’ – July 26th to 28th; Dec. 6th to 8th Venue for all Vancouver Workshops: Century Plaza Hotel,  1015 Burrard St, Vancouver, BC V6Z 3B6

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Victoria Workshops with Dawn Cox, M.Ed., psych, RCC:

‘Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour’ Dates: March 8th to 10th, July 12th to 14th and November 8th to 10th Venue: Common Room at 1246 Fairfield, Victoria, BC, V8V 3B5

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Calgary Workshops with Michelle Morand, MA, RCC:

Master Your Brain – Master Your Behaviour Dates:July 5th to 7th ‘Mastering Balance: Creating Solid Self-Esteem and True Inner Peace’– Dates: July 12th to 14th Venue: MacEwan Conference Centre, U of Calgary, 2500 University Dr NW Calgary, T2N 1N4 There is a hotel at the University, if you would like to stay there as well.
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Posted in: 2012, Complete Recovery, News Release, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101, Self-Help Services, Services, Upcoming Events, workshops

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CEDRIC’s Online Program for Eating Disorders – Video Intro & Written Feedback

Online Program for Eating Disorders     Read what Online Member’s have told us about their experiences with our online program for eating disorders: “There isn’t a day that goes by that you and your wonderful centre don’t enter my mind! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!  I really like the teleclasses. It is so nice to hear your voice.   I love that we start each class with the 4-7-8, it is so relaxing and creates such a great atmosphere.  I don’t feel nervous or afraid to share at all!  I love how much I learn through others experiences.” (more…)

Posted in: 2012, Audios, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Self-Help Services, Video, Video, Workbooks

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With Great Respect and Appreciation I Acknowledge Dr. Stephen Covey

Hello to you, my readers and community members.Appreciation for Dr. Stephen Covey I was deeply saddened this past week when I received an email from Franklin Covey letting me know that Dr. Stephen Covey had passed away on July 16th at the age of 79. Stephen Covey was a huge influence in my life through his book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.’ The little that I knew of his personal life led me to have confidence that he embodied the principles of which he wrote and spoke. Many people focus on the 7 Habits as a tool for their professional life and forget that this is a full philosophy for life – all areas of life – not just work. Stephen Covey’s work taught me the fundamental importance of having a clear sense of my values and principles and embodying those in all aspect of my life. His work taught me about integrity; what it was, what it felt like to have it, and how important it was to every single aspect of my life. (more…)

Posted in: 2012, News Release, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, The Law of Attraction

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How To Get Free Of The Diet Mentality Part IX ©

Get Free Of The Diet MentalityHello! This is Part IX in our Diet Mentality series. Can you believe it!!? We’ve almost covered all the key points of the diet mentality and now you’ve got some clear and specific suggestions of what to do to change and let go completely of each of them. In case you’re new to our community you should know that my mission statement as an author/educator and counsellor is to ensure that anyone who wants to change their stressful relationship with food, regardless of where they live or their financial situation, gets the tools they need to step free!  So this series is just another in a long line of articles, stemming back over 10 years, that I have written every week to provide you with tools and information to change your relationship with food. The CEDRIC Centre and our counselling and support team offer personalized healing retreats, individual counselling and group support, workshops, an interactive web based program and books, workbooks and many other resources like cd’s and video clips to help you step free completely from any stress around food and body image. (more…)

Posted in: 2012, CEDRIC Centre, Natural Eating 101, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others

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How To Get Free Of The Diet Mentality Part II ©

Get Free Of The Diet MentalityThis is Part II in our Diet Mentality series. If you’re new to our community you can just start here or you can hop back two weeks to the discussion of The Diet Mentality and statistics and then look at last week’s key Diet Mentality point to make sure you’re up to speed. Either approach will be helpful. Just do what you can. Another key indicator that you’ve got some Diet Mentality going on is if you feel obligated to eat what is placed in front of you – whether or not you like it and whether or not it is too much. This might not seem like it has anything at all to do with dieting. But it has everything to do with the co-dependent mindset and all or nothing thinking that under pin The Diet Mentality. You see, if you are so concerned with what other people think or what they would feel that you would compromise your body’s needs and not be authentic about what you like or what you need it is highly likely that you do this in other areas of your life too. This is very dangerous as this way of being in the world creates great anxiety and insecurity because you really don’t trust yourself to take care of yourself and put your own needs first. This is, ironically, often why we start dieting, binging, purging or engaging in full blown eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder in the first place. (more…)

Posted in: 2012, All-or-Nothing Thinking, Natural Eating 101, Relationship with Others, Tips for Natural Eating

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