Posted by mmorand on January 29, 2010
Funny thing about last week’s article: I had at least 10 people mention over this past week that they really appreciated that article and felt certain I had written the article on “THE” conversation in response to something that was going on for them personally that they had shared with me. Now, for the record, clients do give me permission to share, anonymously, certain aspects of our work together for educational purposes, but, the truth is, this issue is so incredibly prevalent and key to your healing from emotional eating that it really does pertain to everyone I’ve ever worked with and wasn’t specific to anyone.
Kind of like that article I wrote awhile back on needs which similarly hit home with everyone. Communication issues and our own confused training in relationships really does pertain to us all until we learn to honor ourselves, respect our needs, and ask directly and respectfully for what we need.
This week’s article takes off where last week’s left off. We are going to take a brief look at how to most effectively approach a conversation around a sensitive issue with someone. When I say “sensitive,” I mean an issue that makes you feel a little uneasy, anxious or resistant when you think about bringing it up. It may be that it makes you feel uneasy because of your part in it or because of what it is you imagine the other person will feel or think about you when you bring the issue up.
The first thing to do when you’re thinking about talking to someone about something that has any emotional charge for you at all (or that you think might be sensitive for them) is to sit down, alone, and ask yourself the following questions:
- What is your intention in speaking with the person about this issue?
- What are you trying to achieve in speaking with them about this issue? (often the same answer as above but not always)
- What do you want to get out of the conversation? Ie. What would you need to hear/share/experience in that conversation that would make you feel it had been a success?
- How do you want to feel when you leave the conversation?
- What do you need to say and how do you need to say it and what do you need to hear from them in order to feel that way when you leave the conversation?
- What kind of timeline would you want to place on the conclusion of the issue? Ie. How long can you comfortably wait for this person to follow through on what you’re asking for? You must communicate that key piece of information to this person and ask for their agreement on this timeline as well. This is key for both of you to have great clarity on how and when you will assess whether anything has changed; ie. whether your needs have been met and you can therefore let the issue drop completely, forever.
Make notes of these key pieces and take them with you when you speak to this person. Refer to them and challenge yourself to cover all key points before you leave the conversation. If anything seems to be going at all awry or you lose your place just ask yourself questions 4 and 5 again:
How do you want to feel when you leave this conversation and what needs to happen/what do you need to hear or experience with this person in order to feel that way? That is your grounding and centering piece.
Now, before you get to “THE” Conversation with someone, there is a very interesting phenomenon you will notice when you just sit down to consider these questions before you speak with them: Often just sitting down to reflect on those questions helps you to see something that, if you’re at all interested in not taking full responsibility for your actions and for your life, will really irritate you.
Often in just sitting to reflect on what message you’d like to convey, how specifically you would word it, and what specifically you want to get out of that conversation, you will discover that the issue isn’t really theirs, it’s yours. And usually, though certainly not always, it pertains to your own old-life training to not ask directly for what you need; to not let yourself be vulnerable by exposing that you even have a need; or to not be “selfish” or to burden others in any way.
What I’m saying is that usually, regardless of how things appear at first glance, the majority of our stress in relationship with others exists not because of anything that’s actually happening between us and another person, but because of the old stories and patterns of behaving that we carry within ourselves that have prevented us from either taking action ourselves to meet our needs and/or from communicating earlier, when we first began to feel a little hurt/annoyed/frustrated/resentful/sad/lonely/insignificant/disrespected, etc. with that person.
Our story that we can’t possibly say or do anything that might upset, irritate, or hurt anyone or call any attention to their “imperfection” is really only our own inner co-dependent training that says:
If anyone feels anything other than happy, it’s your fault and you are bad and wrong and unlovable for “making” them feel that way.
Yup, that’ll do it! That childhood training; that old bogus story will shut you down and leave you feeling completely powerless in your relationships every time.
Unfortunately, not only is it completely not true in any way now – it never was – yes, I mean it, it never ever, ever, ever was true. You have never been and never will be responsible for another person’s feelings (barring dependent children, of course). Your complete healing and recovery from emotional eating or restriction and from any unfulfilling jobs, relationships, or self-care, demands that you not only cognitively get this message but that you begin to get it on a gut level; that you begin to trust it, to know it and to embody it in your actions.
The world becomes a completely different place when you make this shift. (Recall the article from a few weeks ago on ELOC vs. ILOC).
Once you sit down and reflect on the questions above and see what’s really up for you and find yourself getting clear on what you want from that person usually you’ll find that what you really want from them or need from them is some reassurance and understanding as you make some changes to your own, perhaps freshly realized, contribution to the dynamic you two share.
You might say:
“This is what I’ve noticed in myself…here’s what I’m planning to do about it…and here’s how you can help me if you’re willing…”
Often your own awareness of what your own contribution to the dynamic has been (which will come about simply by sitting down to ask yourself the questions above) makes it so you are truly comfortable with the choice to not address it with them for now (as opposed to just avoiding bringing it up); make some changes to your own contribution to the dynamic, and see after that, whether you still feel the need to bring it up to them more directly.
Next week we’ll talk about what to do when you’ve done the above piece and, after attending to your own piece of the puzzle, feel that you need to address the other person’s role and ask for a change in their behaviour towards you or towards the situation.
For this week think of someone that fits the “I need to have “THE” conversation” bill and take 5 minutes to ask yourself the questions above. Please email me what you come up with! I’d love to see what you notice and discover about yourself and about how to proceed then.
You might find you recognize that you are playing a role in this dynamic but don’t know what to do on your end to change your part of the dance. That’s what I’m here for!
See you next week.
Love
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Tags: acceptance, anorexia, anxiety, awareness, binge eating, body image, body/mind/spirit, bulimia, communication, community, compulsive eating, control, core beliefs, drill sergeant, eating disorders, emotional, emotions, exploring, forgiveness, future, grounding, growing, healing, needs, nurturing, overeating, past, present, rebalancing, recovery, relationships, self care, self esteem, self love, self worth
Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self
A few weeks ago, I gave a presentation at the Victoria Health Show entitled: Practical and effective tools for overcoming emotional, psychological and physical barriers to optimum health.
Yes, quite the mouthful, but….interestingly enough it was the most well-attended talk I’ve ever offered in my 10 years of Health Show lecturing. Things that make you go, hmmmmm.
Obviously one reason for the increased attendance is that the topic is broader than my usual “Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is!” educational presentation. But based on the feedback I received after the lecture and in the weeks that have followed, I am quite clear that the real reason for the greater turn out were the words “overcoming” and “barriers.”
(more…)
Last week one of those group chain emails came across my desk. I normally just delete them immediately as I’m not a big fan of the “pressure” / manipulation / magical thinking they usually apply at the end to send it along. The threat or promise that something significant will happen to me based on me forwarding a mass email – the good old chain letter superstition – has never been anything I felt a genuine desire to agree to. And, with rare exceptions, the messages don’t seem all that noteworthy (speaking for my own in-box of course, perhaps your friends send you better ones!).
Following on the theme of approaching conversations with people, this week I want to invite you to consider a new way of thinking about issues that are sensitive or have the potential to impact your relationship with someone.
In my 17 years of freedom from emotional eating I have come from being a very scared, extremely doubtful, negative, all-or-nothing, insecure little person (who thought she was absolutely the fattest, ugliest person on the planet and that everyone else thought so too) to become the person I am today. I’m certainly not issue-free or any where near perfect as my friends and family will happily attest, but open, loving, happy, optimistic, confident and secure, able to know that, while I may screw up, drop the ball, or hurt someone’s feelings, I am not bad or unworthy of love, rather I am always deserving of dignity and respect from myself and from others.
Excerpt from the book 
Okay, for starters, we all know intuitively what “THE” Conversation means. It’s that big, heavy, sit-down convo that you avoid like the plague. You’ll try every other angle to get the point across and get your needs met before having “the” conversation, and if they all fail you might still not actually do the deed.
If you’re anything like most folks who use food to cope or other harmful coping strategies, before you actually approach someone directly about an issue you’re having with them, you’ll try:
By request I am writing this week on the topic of Internal and External Locus of Control. Chapter 11 of my book, Food is Not the Problem: Deal With What Is! is entirely dedicated to this topic as it is a key piece in the puzzle of why you use harmful coping strategies and why it’s so hard for you to stop.
One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements talks about the ancient Toltec philosophy which has four basic tenants:
Those of us who use food to cope, or drugs, alcohol, shopping, procrastination, isolation, busywork, and even more socially-sanctioned strategies like over-exercise, co-dependency and workaholism, use those strategies in an attempt to distance ourselves from the constant sense of anxiety we feel within.
The anxiety that we feel is borne out of harmful all-or-nothing stories that I call “learned helplessness.” The learned helplessness stories sound something like this:
So many of us are sitting on the sidelines in life, waiting for the moment when we’ll be “good enough.” When we’re “good enough” we’ll begin to live fully! When we’re “good enough” we’ll start loving freely and completely! We’ll risk and speak up for ourselves and for others and for what we believe in against anybody! When we’re “good enough” we won’t feel anxious or depressed. We’ll go after that job we’ve always wanted and we will definitely not have any reservations about going after that man we’ve been desiring. But not until we’re good enough. Until then…..until then, we wait. Until then, we settle and we numb the sadness and the anxiety in our tummies with food or alcohol or TV, sleep, harlequin romances or some similar mind-numbing material. 
The theme of “making mistakes” (from the last 2 weeks) seems to have hit home with many readers, and with good reason. One of the main reasons we use food to cope is because we are so anxious all the time about saying the right thing; doing the right thing; being perceived as good and kind and generous and smart and sexy and “together.”
The pressure to perform and to conform to others’ expectations of who or what we should be creates a chronic state of anxiety that I call “the permeating level of anxiety” (PLA) and it is this chronic sense of disease or distress within that triggers us to restrict, or binge or purge.