Posts Tagged all-or-nothing thinking
Posted by mmorand on February 19, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Okay folks, we’re at Week 3 of what could (but won’t) be a 52-week series! We’re going to tackle the key bits of any relationship and how to make yours hum in 6 weeks (or so). This week we’re specifically going to explore flags in a relationship.
If you’re not into this series as it’s just not where you’re at or what you’re needing at this time, I highly recommend you spend the next few weeks reviewing the “Complete Recovery Series.” This is a series I wrote that lays out the key tools you need to begin to experience healing in your relationship with food. You’ll find a listing of all the articles on the left hand side of the blog.
If you’re following along with this series however, you’ll have experimented a bit last week with providing for others and for yourself that which you have been expecting or looking for from them. I’ll bet you learned a great deal and that already you have greater empathy for yourself and for others.
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 11, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
When you are learning how to improve your relationship it’s important to know how to assess quickly, safely, and respectfully, who is a fit for you and who can’t be. While you’re working on this you need to also think about who you and the other person are at this time and then list the boundaries and unhealthy behaviours in a relationship.
Relationships 101 Week 2: How to Improve Your Relationship
Okee dokee then! How’d last week go? We had some interesting discussion on our web program forum, as the assignment really hit home for a few members. I love hearing how people are working with these tools and beginning to understand more about why things are the way they are and, most importantly, what to do to make things different.
Last week, I ran you through a basic process of identifying what you’re really looking for and what criteria (definition) you would use to identify if those traits were present in someone you were considering for a friend, partner or a peer, etc.
Then I asked you to consider yourself in relation to that list and identify as best you could, which of those traits you already embody and which need a little tweak in you in order to bring you up to the level of that person you seek as a friend or partner.
The key point being, and this is key: You cannot reasonably expect anything from someone else that you are not first prepared to offer yourself.
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 5, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Well, it is February after all, so, I thought I’d make this next series of articles dedicated to the top of how to have a great relationship.
I am guessing that you have at least one relationship in your life? And I’m guessing that you might like to know how to feel more confident, secure, trusting, open and intimate in that relationship?? And maybe you want to be able to know the difference between what is your “stuff,” i.e. what you have responsibility for and what you have control over, and what has nothing to do with you at all?
What about learning how to discuss sensitive issues with the greatest ease and to the highest possible resolution? That would be a good thing, no?
What about learning how to know when you’ve truly done your best and how to let go of relationships that can never meet your needs without feeling guilty, bad, like a failure, responsible, ashamed or at all uncertain that you’re doing the right thing?
Yes, it’s possible. In fact, when you follow these basic steps that we’re going to explore over the next few weeks, you’ll see how there is a method to being successful in relationships. It’s not a secret. You didn’t miss the class where everyone else got shown how to do relationships. We all need to be shown this one way or another. And there’s no time like the present, right? Right!
We’ll tackle each of the above core relationship issues as we go through the next month or so, and by the end of it all, you’ll know exactly how to create and maintain the relationships you seek in all areas of your life. It may take a little practice but you’ll at least have a lay of the land, know what you’re shooting for, and what to do to reach your goals.
And in case you haven’t put this together for yourself yet, let me reassure you that when you begin to work with these tools you will also naturally be building your self-esteem and sense of equality with others as well as naturally loosening the stranglehold that food and harmful all-or-nothing thinking has on you.
For this week we’re going all the way back to the beginning of any relationship, back before there were two, to just you.
Now, I realize that you’ve already likely got a couple of connections in your life if not many, and I’m not suggesting that you abandon them and start from scratch. I’m suggesting that until you step back from your connections for a moment and get very clear with yourself about what it is that you are looking for from others and what it is that you bring to the table, you can’t even truly begin to assess the quality of the connections you’ve got now, let alone begin to do your part to make them as strong and healthy as they can possibly be and hold others accountable in the same way.
So, for this week, to make the best use out of this series and start creating the relationships you desire, there is a little time and energy required of you. It will pay you off in spades, I guarantee you.
- Allow yourself to imagine the key people you’ve had in your life, however briefly or far removed, that you really felt safe with and really felt respect for and respected by. If no one comes to mind, as can be the case, use characters from Hollywood movies, cable TV shows or books that you liked (I confess that when I began to explore this concept for myself in my search for healthy female friendships and healthy romantic partnerships, I was so starved for healthy female role models that I clung to the integrity, confidence, self-respect and courage that Angela Lansbury’s character, Jessica Fletcher, portrayed in the “Murder She Wrote” TV series (she’s got serious values and chutzpah, that gal!). In other words, feel free to use anyone that comes to mind as your foil for a respectful, healthy, grounded person.
- Make a list of the characteristics and traits that those people embody in your experience of them.
- If you’re stuck, ask yourself the reverse question: What has been/is present in your relationships in which you have felt unsafe, insecure, and /or disrespected? Now turn that around and that’s what you want, i.e. a past partner of mine would threaten to leave every time – literally – I held him accountable to his commitments (that relationship didn’t last long!). If I were to turn that very unsafe pattern around into what I want, I’d say I need friends/partners who have integrity; who are committed to honouring their word and who are respectful and accepting of the consequences of not doing so; someone who can apologize openly, learn from their mistakes and express their anger or fear in ways that aren’t shaming or blaming but rather bring us closer together and deepen my respect for them. To me, these pieces are fundamental to any healthy relationship.
- Now, add to that list, any additional traits, characteristics, values, and principles that are important to you in order for you to feel safe and respected and trusting of another person. **Notice how your inner critic (the Drill Sgt.) may chime in about what you can and can’t ask for; what you are deserving of; what you are entitled to; what the unlikely chances are of you actually getting this and simply use your Drill Sgt. dialogue tool: What is your intention in saying that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And when you get to the end, just thank your Drill Sgt. for his intention, tell him how he could achieve that outcome with greater respect and enhance your self-esteem instead of trashing it. Remember your inner critic loves you, he just is very confused about what love is and how best to show it…remind you of anyone from your past??
- This is your list of traits and values and principles that you need someone to have in order to feel safe, trusting, and respected in your relationship with that person. Regardless of whether you think it’s possible for you or whether you worry that that person doesn’t even exist, this is what you need! No other connection is going to feel safe to you, so don’t settle. We ALWAYS get what we are willing to settle for. Don’t be willing to settle for anyone who doesn’t create a sense of respect, safety and trust with you. (And don’t be willing to settle for anything less in your relationship with yourself either!)
- You may want to add a few additional traits for that special someone….but otherwise, you are looking for people who fit these characteristics and you’re not going to waste your time and energy trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of these core traits and behaviours, not unless you want to continue to feel insecure and use food to cope that is.
So, a few things to deepen your awareness once you’ve made your Healthy Traits (HT) list:
First, now it’s your turn. Take a look at your HT list for what makes a person feel safe, trustworthy, respectful and just plain downright cool! And…..take a nice deep breath…..and ask yourself honestly which of these traits you can say that you embody towards the people in your life, including the grocery store clerk, the bus driver, the server at the restaurant, your parents, partner, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.
Yes, you! It’s never appropriate for an adult to expect things from others that they aren’t first willing and able to do for themselves. In fact, I have discovered over the past few years that when I am feeling a wee bit resentful or annoyed with someone, if I just ask myself what I’m needing from them/expecting from them, and if I’ve offered them that, I find the answer is usually, “Ummmm, well, no, actually.”
The act of getting clear on that in myself and then committing to offering first what I’d like from others usually takes care of my need entirely because in holding myself accountable to be the person I expect others to be, a funny thing happens. First, I feel instantly less resentful, more open-hearted and strong. And guess what? The other person responds in kind and naturally starts to open their heart more, and very often, to meet the need that I am now meeting for them. It’s quite remarkable actually and flies directly in the face of the co-dependent training to just get bitter and resentful and make snide comments or freak out (or binge!) when people don’t read our mind and meet our needs without us having to ask!
It is important to acknowledge the characteristics and traits from your HT list above that you already bring to bear to all of your connections and give yourself a hug of appreciation for this. Then make a list of the traits on your HT list that you are asking for / wanting from others that you don’t embody fully yourself.
In what ways and with whom can you begin to challenge yourself to be for others the person you would like them to be for you?
And, the last piece I want you to do this week is to make a list of the key connections in your life (partner, friends, family, co-workers, etc.) and identify any of the traits from your HT list of things you need in order to feel safe, peaceful, trusting and respected, that are currently missing in this connection (or seem to be) from that person towards you.
Okee dokee? So now, you have a list of the Healthy Traits in a relationship; the things that allow you to feel (or you imagine will allow you to feel) safe, trusting, respected, and peaceful in your relationships. You have a sense of where you’re at in your own safety, trust, respect and peace meter and where you need a little support or focus in order to hold yourself accountable to the standards you’re setting for others. And you have a sense of the connections in your life that need a little work (or a lot) and what specifically needs to change in order for you to feel happy in them.
That’s a great piece of work!
Tune in next week for the next instalment. And don’t worry about it if you don’t get it all done this week. Do what you can / feel ready for and just keep on reading. You’ll do it when you’re ready. In the meantime, gather the data, and help yourself to see more clearly what’s working and what’s not. I’m here (and so will this series of articles be) when you’re ready to dive in.
Have a fabulous week.
Love
Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on January 29, 2011
Last Monday, the 17th of January, 2011, my step-father Stephen Patton died suddenly. All last week I was actively engaged in supporting my mom, family members (my son was so very close to Steve or Steve-o as I called him) and myself through the process of funeral arrangements, services, wills and other related bits and pieces. And don’t let me forget – grieving.
I think you might like to know that I didn’t feel the slightest bit compelled to use food to cope or alcohol etc., etc., rather I felt grounded, centred, grief-stricken, grateful to have known Steve-o and to have had the many wonderful moments with him that I did.
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self
Posted by mmorand on January 15, 2011
Well! You guys/gals are totally awesome!!!!
I have received such incredible sharing this week in regards to your efforts in the challenge I gave you in last week’s article about: Saying I love you, Thank you, and I’m Sorry.
First off, I am so excited and touched and thrilled and happy for you that you accepted this challenge as you did. It takes a great deal of courage to be willing to look within at old patterns and to then take action to change what needs a tweak (or a major overhaul)! It takes great courage but it’s so incredibly worth it.
The wonderful thing is that those of you who took the plunge and challenged yourself to say “Thank you” and “I’m Sorry” and “I love you” all learned such amazing things about yourself and gave yourself the gift of deeper connections with others. Woohoooo!!!
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self
Posted by mmorand on December 4, 2010
A few years back I had an acquaintance who, with unveiled hostility, called me pretentious for having a “Namaste” sticker on my car.
There are many variations of definitions for what Namaste means but my favourite, the simplest and most direct, is: “The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.”
The implication of the word Namaste is that there is something higher than or greater than the physical me that acknowledges its mirror or counterpart in you. This does not have to refer to God in my opinion, simply a higher consciousness and greater awareness than we humans typically employ.
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Posted by mmorand on November 26, 2010
Well, this was a pretty cool week for me, I must say (despite my example of poor parenting as outlined in my article this week: Reaction vs. Action). It all started with a big load of snow in Vancouver and in Victoria, and I got to play in it, shovel it, scrape it off the car and watch it falling from the warmth and comfort of my front room (with the fireplace all aglow). Then, among other things, I went to the most gigantic Christmas craft fair I’ve ever attended, and I’m a total xmas craft fair junkie! It’s called “Circle Crafts” and it was held at the beautiful new convention centre at the Pan Pacific Hotel in downtown Vancouver. It was so busy you had to wait and signal before crossing the aisle and there were 20 aisles!
My son, who was with me, totally touched my heart by using his allowance to buy an ornament for my husband, his sister and I. When he showed it to me I said, “Sweetheart, that’s so generous, thank you. Why are there only 3 little snow people on the ornament when there are 4 people in our family?” (He had had each of our names printed on it too – how sweet is that!) And he said, “I only had enough money for the one with 3 people so I didn’t put myself on it.” Awwww. Now that’s the Christmas spirit isn’t it? So, I’m in Christmas Craft Fair bliss. And then as I wandered up and down the aisles, I started to notice something. There truly was nothing that I needed. There were lots of cool things and fun things and things I thought others might like, but I wanted for nothing.
That realization took me back, way back, to my early 20’s and a time when I felt so fat and frumpy and alone and isolated. I lived in an ugly little basement suite with bright – and I mean bright – blue carpet, no insulation in the walls, and yes, it even had dark faux wood panelling and a 70s wallpaper mural of the woods – brown and orange. Ahhh, it was lovely! Not!
But I digress, at that time in my life, I met a woman who changed my life. Her name was Marie Cochrane, and for almost 6 months, she was my counsellor.
Read the rest of this story of Michelle’s journey to recovery here
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Posted by mmorand on November 19, 2010
One of the most ironic things about those of us who use (or have used) food to cope is that we’re very smart. We’re also very intuitive. We’re also very trusting and as such, very vulnerable. This above all else means that if we ever hope to be truly free of binging or purging or restricting and any stressful focus on food, we need first and foremost to learn to listen to and respect ourselves about what we’re feeling and needing, and we need to absolutely trust ourselves to respect those feelings and the messages they contain about our needs at that time. We are not fools, and try as we might, we cannot pretend that we’re okay when we’re not or that something isn’t bothering us when it is.
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Tags: acceptance, all-or-nothing thinking, anxiety, binging, CEDRIC Centre, past, present, purging, self care, self esteem, self worth, stress, triggers
Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Self
Posted by Cedric on November 11, 2010
I can’t tell you how many times in my process of recovery I was wrapped up in all-or-nothing thinking; absolutely certain it was truth and feeling very anxious and overwhelmed because my story was not a happy one, only to discover upon speaking it aloud, or writing it down that I was in all-or-nothing thinking! At that point I had a choice. I could choose to continuing giving energy to that all-or-nothing thought; I could continue to buy into it and live my life as though it were true OR I could remind myself that that is all-or-nothing thinking and ask myself what other possibilities exist.
Inevitably when I challenged my all-or-nothing thinking, it fell apart every single time! Not once was the Drill Sgt. able to sustain his all-or-nothing thinking when I wrote it down and asked myself what some other possibilities were. I was freed! I could stop myself from using food to cope every time by enhancing my abilities to expose my all-or-nothing thinking. You see, the more frequently you check in with yourself, the more readily you will identify any unmet needs as they arise. Then you can set about the amazing journey of self-discovery and self-esteem building as you begin taking action towards meeting those needs.
Posted by Cedric on October 23, 2010
You have an inner critic who is so filled with judgment and who believes that criticism will motivate you despite years of failure with that method of “inspiration” And yes, you very likely hear him 24/7 unless you’re fairly far along in your process in which case you’ll hardly ever hear him at all, he has been replaced by a truly compassionate, loving and effective supporting presence within.
But for those of you who still hear him, frustrated thoughts of food and judgmental thoughts of your body will be going on 24/7 when the drill sgt. is around. In fact, you may be so familiar with your drill sgt. you don’t believe you have one! He may be the only voice you hear in your head right now and as such that critical presence may have begun to feel like you! Yes, you may have come to believe that the drill sgt. is actually the true essence of who you are.
Not so, even for a minute!
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This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Okay folks, we’re at Week 3 of what could (but won’t) be a 52-week series! We’re going to tackle the key bits of any relationship and how to make yours hum in 6 weeks (or so). This week we’re specifically going to explore flags in a relationship.
If you’re not into this series as it’s just not where you’re at or what you’re needing at this time, I highly recommend you spend the next few weeks reviewing the “Complete Recovery Series.” This is a series I wrote that lays out the key tools you need to begin to experience healing in your relationship with food. You’ll find a listing of all the articles on the left hand side of the blog.
If you’re following along with this series however, you’ll have experimented a bit last week with providing for others and for yourself that which you have been expecting or looking for from them. I’ll bet you learned a great deal and that already you have greater empathy for yourself and for others.
(more…)
