Posted by mmorand on March 31, 2009
You know how you make those heartfelt, serious, absolutely for certain promises late at night that you’re for sure not going to do “X” tomorrow? You know the promises I mean.
Whether it’s overeat, or restrict, or purge, or yell at the kids, or call that guy, or get to work late, or skip your meditation, or drink coffee, or put something on your credit card that you can’t afford, or shop on eBay, etc. you likely fall prey to the late night promises as a way to try and feel a little more peaceful about the day you’ve just had and a little more hopeful about the day to come.
You are sincere. You absolutely mean it when you make that promise to yourself. But, within a few minutes or a few hours, maybe as soon as you open your peepers, the promise is toast and you’ve assured yourself you’ll start with that particular behavioural change “tomorrow.
Now, this doesn’t exactly reassure you. You’ve heard this from yourself before. You know yourself well and you know that unless some sort of miracle happens you’re going to have a day of seeing yourself compromise your integrity / break your promise and then make the same promise that night followed by another day of diminished self-trust and inner security as the promise is neglected once again. It is this cycle of making commitments and then breaking them with just the slightest provocation that triggers that lovely inner companion, the Drill Sgt., to begin his litany of self-contempt and condemnation.
If you could find a way to do two little things your life would change immeasurably – I promise. And if you’re not ready or able yet to do both, pick one! It will make a world of difference. (more…)
The sap must be rising, because my eyes keep leaking. On the verge of tears these days, a commercial can set me off about some non-crying thing and away I go, boohooing again, with streaks on my cheeks. Also, I was so anxious yesterday as I performed tasks that I am competent at, although it involved dealing with strangers. I am always leery of random people, I have good reason, but that’s another story. But this is out of character for me. Its not like me to be timid, to trip over my tongue when talking to strangers or to feel so fragile.
I realize that in reading about how to cope with my issues, in the book that my boss, Michelle Morand wrote (Food is not the problem- Deal with What is!) I am learning things that are making my internal censor incensed. He’s kicked it up a notch and the infernal belabouring has increased to fever pitch. I notice that I over-analyze, read too much into things, second guess myself, talk myself out of things that I need like to go for a walk, before I’ve even solidified the thought. I seem to have a black cloud over me that makes me be a negative nelly about anything. And don’t let me hear that the bears are skinny in the Great Bear Rainforest. I carried THAT bit of grief around all week when I found out about it.
Normally I would note the ecological travesty and then get on with my life, but for some reason, these days, as I process the things from my misbegotten past that have given me enough grief to pad my self with this much excess, I am noticing that I not only have to deal with loose cannons in my physical world, but that I have a loose cannon in my own mind, as the Drill Sergeant has amplified his messages, deepened his nosiness and is acting like he’s on steroids. (more…)
Another way of saying that is that the only reason you struggle with disordered eating in the first place, or anxiety or depression for that matter is because you are going against your core values somewhere in your life. This violation of your true self, your inner conscience, creates a sense of separation and a lack of trust and safety within yourself. The more you act in ways that compromise the values you believe in, the more anxious and alienated you feel and the more insecure you are overall. Another way of saying that is that when you go against your core values you are out of integrity. And when you’re out of integrity you feel guilty, bad, wrong, ashamed, embarrassed, and just plain anxious. (Are any of those familiar to you?)
When we act from a place of integrity, honoring our core values, it doesn’t matter if someone is mad at us, threatening us, blaming us for their sadness or their life, we have empathy for them without taking it on. We know that our responsibility first and foremost is to honor our core values because if we do that, we truly are doing our best for that person; for our friends and family and our society. It’s true.
Think about it, does anyone truly gain when you lie for them? Does anyone truly benefit from you compromising your commitments to yourself or others for them? No. Maybe in the short term it might seem like it. But really, very quickly, the relationship begins to suffer from the lack of respect and integrity; resentment and insecurity build and what could have been a very lovely friendship or partnership turns sour. And when you step in to try and “fix” things for someone else by taking responsibility for their actions or needs you’re sending that person a message of disrespect. In essence you are saying “I don’t think you’re capable of handling this on your own so I’m going to do it for you.” It’s hard to build a healthy connection that way. It establishes a sense of dependency and imbalance that is hard to overcome.
In the immediate moment it might seem like a good idea to compromise yourself to make someone happy or to meet their needs in some way. It isn’t. “But what could it hurt, just this little bit, just this once, if it makes them happy?” you say? Lots. You will end up paying the price tenfold as will the relationship. You’ll feel anxious and insecure. You’ll feel compromised and taken advantage of. You’ll set a precedent for the next time this person has this problem or need and it is harder then, to set a different boundary. You’ll feel bad. And I suspect that you’ll use food to cope. That’s a big price for not saying no to a dinner invitation or to giving someone a ride etc. But that’s the price you pay each time you go against your core values and needs to “make” someone else happy or to avoid their anger or disappointment in you.
So, take the time to make that ‘Values List’ if you haven’t yet and then look at the primary relationships in your life and see if any of them, as they are currently operating, require you to compromise yourself in any way. Make a list of the little and big things that you do that don’t feel right to you or of the dynamics between you and the other person that leave you feeling controlled and disrespected or frustrated.
There is a good chance that those things are happening because you’re allowing your core values to be compromised and chances are those things couldn’t even begin to happen if you honored your core values.
Check it out and let me know what you discover.
Love Michelle
If you like this article and want to stay connected make sure you 