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Relationships 101 Week 1
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Well, it is February after all, so, I thought I’d make this next series of articles dedicated to the top of how to have a great relationship.
I am guessing that you have at least one relationship in your life? And I’m guessing that you might like to know how to feel more confident, secure, trusting, open and intimate in that relationship?? And maybe you want to be able to know the difference between what is your “stuff,” i.e. what you have responsibility for and what you have control over, and what has nothing to do with you at all?
What about learning how to discuss sensitive issues with the greatest ease and to the highest possible resolution? That would be a good thing, no?
What about learning how to know when you’ve truly done your best and how to let go of relationships that can never meet your needs without feeling guilty, bad, like a failure, responsible, ashamed or at all uncertain that you’re doing the right thing?
Yes, it’s possible. In fact, when you follow these basic steps that we’re going to explore over the next few weeks, you’ll see how there is a method to being successful in relationships. It’s not a secret. You didn’t miss the class where everyone else got shown how to do relationships. We all need to be shown this one way or another. And there’s no time like the present, right? Right!
We’ll tackle each of the above core relationship issues as we go through the next month or so, and by the end of it all, you’ll know exactly how to create and maintain the relationships you seek in all areas of your life. It may take a little practice but you’ll at least have a lay of the land, know what you’re shooting for, and what to do to reach your goals.
And in case you haven’t put this together for yourself yet, let me reassure you that when you begin to work with these tools you will also naturally be building your self-esteem and sense of equality with others as well as naturally loosening the stranglehold that food and harmful all-or-nothing thinking has on you.
For this week we’re going all the way back to the beginning of any relationship, back before there were two, to just you.
Now, I realize that you’ve already likely got a couple of connections in your life if not many, and I’m not suggesting that you abandon them and start from scratch. I’m suggesting that until you step back from your connections for a moment and get very clear with yourself about what it is that you are looking for from others and what it is that you bring to the table, you can’t even truly begin to assess the quality of the connections you’ve got now, let alone begin to do your part to make them as strong and healthy as they can possibly be and hold others accountable in the same way.
So, for this week, to make the best use out of this series and start creating the relationships you desire, there is a little time and energy required of you. It will pay you off in spades, I guarantee you.
- Allow yourself to imagine the key people you’ve had in your life, however briefly or far removed, that you really felt safe with and really felt respect for and respected by. If no one comes to mind, as can be the case, use characters from Hollywood movies, cable TV shows or books that you liked (I confess that when I began to explore this concept for myself in my search for healthy female friendships and healthy romantic partnerships, I was so starved for healthy female role models that I clung to the integrity, confidence, self-respect and courage that Angela Lansbury’s character, Jessica Fletcher, portrayed in the “Murder She Wrote” TV series (she’s got serious values and chutzpah, that gal!). In other words, feel free to use anyone that comes to mind as your foil for a respectful, healthy, grounded person.
- Make a list of the characteristics and traits that those people embody in your experience of them.
- If you’re stuck, ask yourself the reverse question: What has been/is present in your relationships in which you have felt unsafe, insecure, and /or disrespected? Now turn that around and that’s what you want, i.e. a past partner of mine would threaten to leave every time – literally – I held him accountable to his commitments (that relationship didn’t last long!). If I were to turn that very unsafe pattern around into what I want, I’d say I need friends/partners who have integrity; who are committed to honouring their word and who are respectful and accepting of the consequences of not doing so; someone who can apologize openly, learn from their mistakes and express their anger or fear in ways that aren’t shaming or blaming but rather bring us closer together and deepen my respect for them. To me, these pieces are fundamental to any healthy relationship.
- Now, add to that list, any additional traits, characteristics, values, and principles that are important to you in order for you to feel safe and respected and trusting of another person. **Notice how your inner critic (the Drill Sgt.) may chime in about what you can and can’t ask for; what you are deserving of; what you are entitled to; what the unlikely chances are of you actually getting this and simply use your Drill Sgt. dialogue tool: What is your intention in saying that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And when you get to the end, just thank your Drill Sgt. for his intention, tell him how he could achieve that outcome with greater respect and enhance your self-esteem instead of trashing it. Remember your inner critic loves you, he just is very confused about what love is and how best to show it…remind you of anyone from your past??
- This is your list of traits and values and principles that you need someone to have in order to feel safe, trusting, and respected in your relationship with that person. Regardless of whether you think it’s possible for you or whether you worry that that person doesn’t even exist, this is what you need! No other connection is going to feel safe to you, so don’t settle. We ALWAYS get what we are willing to settle for. Don’t be willing to settle for anyone who doesn’t create a sense of respect, safety and trust with you. (And don’t be willing to settle for anything less in your relationship with yourself either!)
- You may want to add a few additional traits for that special someone….but otherwise, you are looking for people who fit these characteristics and you’re not going to waste your time and energy trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of these core traits and behaviours, not unless you want to continue to feel insecure and use food to cope that is.
Steve-o
Last Monday, the 17th of January, 2011, my step-father Stephen Patton died suddenly. All last week I was actively engaged in supporting my mom, family members (my son was so very close to Steve or Steve-o as I called him) and myself through the process of funeral arrangements, services, wills and other related bits and pieces. And don’t let me forget – grieving.
I think you might like to know that I didn’t feel the slightest bit compelled to use food to cope or alcohol etc., etc., rather I felt grounded, centred, grief-stricken, grateful to have known Steve-o and to have had the many wonderful moments with him that I did.
(more…)Saying I Love You Part Deux
Well! You guys/gals are totally awesome!!!!
I have received such incredible sharing this week in regards to your efforts in the challenge I gave you in last week’s article about: Saying I love you, Thank you, and I’m Sorry.
First off, I am so excited and touched and thrilled and happy for you that you accepted this challenge as you did. It takes a great deal of courage to be willing to look within at old patterns and to then take action to change what needs a tweak (or a major overhaul)! It takes great courage but it’s so incredibly worth it.
The wonderful thing is that those of you who took the plunge and challenged yourself to say “Thank you” and “I’m Sorry” and “I love you” all learned such amazing things about yourself and gave yourself the gift of deeper connections with others. Woohoooo!!!
(more…)Saying Thank You, I’m Sorry, and I Love You
This week I thought I’d give you a little communication assignment and ask you to provide me some feedback on what you discover by saying thank you, I’m sorry, and I love you. Your feedback and my knowledge on the subject will form the body of next week’s Tools For Recovery article.
One of the hardest things that we who use food to cope have to learn to do is to find true peace and comfort with being honest about our imperfection. Yes, folks, we are imperfect. We screw up, we stick our foot in our mouths, we forget birthdays, forget to return calls, inadvertently (and perhaps sometimes intentionally) say things that hurt people’s feelings. We sometimes run late, we make errors when we text or email people, we don’t always follow through on our commitments to ourselves or others.
We err. It’s human.
(more…)The Fastest Path to Self-Confidence
If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile then you’ve heard me say it before: Affirmations, just like diets, typically only work when you don’t really need them, and the path to self-confidence is the only real long term solution. By this I mean if you can actually diet successfully: Eat a lower number of calories than you have been eating consistently enough to lose weight and then maintain that weight loss with no continuous effort to restrict (otherwise you’re a chronic dieter and haven’t really accomplished your goal), you actually don’t need to diet in the first place because being able to do that means you’re a natural eater (which is what you’re here to learn how to be, I suspect).
(more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Self
Leave a Comment (0) →Namaste
A few years back I had an acquaintance who, with unveiled hostility, called me pretentious for having a “Namaste” sticker on my car.
There are many variations of definitions for what Namaste means but my favourite, the simplest and most direct, is: “The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.”
The implication of the word Namaste is that there is something higher than or greater than the physical me that acknowledges its mirror or counterpart in you. This does not have to refer to God in my opinion, simply a higher consciousness and greater awareness than we humans typically employ.
(more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, newsletter
Leave a Comment (0) →An All-or-Nothing Learned Helplessness Story
Well, this was a pretty cool week for me, I must say (despite my example of poor parenting as outlined in my article this week: Reaction vs. Action). It all started with a big load of snow in Vancouver and in Victoria, and I got to play in it, shovel it, scrape it off the car and watch it falling from the warmth and comfort of my front room (with the fireplace all aglow). Then, among other things, I went to the most gigantic Christmas craft fair I’ve ever attended, and I’m a total xmas craft fair junkie! It’s called “Circle Crafts” and it was held at the beautiful new convention centre at the Pan Pacific Hotel in downtown Vancouver. It was so busy you had to wait and signal before crossing the aisle and there were 20 aisles! My son, who was with me, totally touched my heart by using his allowance to buy an ornament for my husband, his sister and I. When he showed it to me I said, “Sweetheart, that’s so generous, thank you. Why are there only 3 little snow people on the ornament when there are 4 people in our family?” (He had had each of our names printed on it too – how sweet is that!) And he said, “I only had enough money for the one with 3 people so I didn’t put myself on it.” Awwww. Now that’s the Christmas spirit isn’t it? So, I’m in Christmas Craft Fair bliss. And then as I wandered up and down the aisles, I started to notice something. There truly was nothing that I needed. There were lots of cool things and fun things and things I thought others might like, but I wanted for nothing. That realization took me back, way back, to my early 20’s and a time when I felt so fat and frumpy and alone and isolated. I lived in an ugly little basement suite with bright – and I mean bright – blue carpet, no insulation in the walls, and yes, it even had dark faux wood panelling and a 70s wallpaper mural of the woods – brown and orange. Ahhh, it was lovely! Not! But I digress, at that time in my life, I met a woman who changed my life. Her name was Marie Cochrane, and for almost 6 months, she was my counsellor. Read the rest of this story of Michelle’s journey to recovery here (more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, newsletter
Leave a Comment (2) →Reaction vs. Action
I had a rough moment yesterday with my dear sweet son. He’s 10. He and his friends at school have been dabbling in using the word “gay” in a derogatory way and he’s made a few statements these past few months that I chastised him for in that regard. I had talked with him on a number of occasions, following these comments about people’s right to their own sexuality, about tolerance, about prejudice, and how to explore his own thoughts and beliefs to decide why he is saying what he’s saying.
But….last night, I lost it. We were driving along on our way home from the grocery store and he mentioned that during class that day they were asked to make some notes about the qualities they would want in a babysitter (in preparation for them becoming potential sitters themselves). My son said that he wrote that he wouldn’t want anyone who is gay, bi, or lesbian to sit him. Well, I hit the roof! All these talks about respecting the rights of others, all these chats about tolerance and acceptance and consideration, all those heavy discussions about prejudice and the harm it does and he’s writing this??
(more…)Posted in: 2010, CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Self
Leave a Comment (2) →Procrastination 101
This week’s article is all about a coping strategy that most people can totally relate to at some time in their lives- procrastination. And, I can guarantee you that if you’re using food to cope, you can relate to it now, in a big way!
Procrastination doesn’t have to be a big deal or a stressful thing if we see it for what it really is and just allow ourselves to look a little deeper. More on that in a moment.
(more…)Posted in: 2010, newsletter, Relationship with Self
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