Archive for Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on October 15, 2011
Hello!
Before I dive in to this week’s article which is a response to a question/sharing from a newsletter reader I thought I’d share a piece of feedback I received that will help you to appreciate the value of giving this a try:
“Recently I made a comment and was judged for it. I felt terrible because this is an issue I have had before and I want so badly to be a person who is accepted and thought well of. When I went through the questions I realized that the person who had criticized me was likely insecure too and it wasn’t JUST about me. It was a helpful exercise.”
That’s great news!! I love hearing how just a few minutes of conscious, structured exploration can bring such peace and clarity!! Yay!
And now for this week’s question and answer from Anna.
“I so desperately want to be a gracious person but it seems I am always coming out with some comment that is less than gracious or some overreaction. I envy my neighbour who is truly gracious and even though I observe how it is done I can’t get there myself and often feel judged for my reactions and beat myself up repeatedly about this. I realize you can’t become someone else overnight but my progress is so slow that sometimes I feel I am peddling backwards. On the other hand if I’m constantly on guard and managing my image I feel like a boring flat person.”
Thanks for taking time to share your observations and frustrations here Anna.
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Tags: anorexia, binge eating, binge/purge, bulimia, Chronic dieting, compulsive_eating, coping with stress, emotional_eating, healthy_relationships, restricting_food, using food to cope
Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on March 19, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4, Week 5.
Part 6 is called Getting What You Need. In the past 5 weeks of this series we’ve covered almost all of the fundamental pieces of relationships. We’ve looked at what it is you value and what it is that you need in your relationships in order to feel safe and respected and happy. We’ve discussed how to make sure you’re cultivating relationships with people who are in alignment with your goals and values and principles so that you can be happy in your friendships and partnerships. We’ve addressed making sure that the things you’re expecting/asking of others are things that you are prepared to offer yourself and others as well and that your expectations are therefore reasonable and fair (this is a fabulous way to lessen your frustration and resentment with others immediately and increase the empathy and compassion between you). We’ve talked about co-dependence and how to resolve it if it exists in your relationships. And, we’ve talked about seeking to understand: The fine art of asking questions rather than just assuming your assumptions are accurate.
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Posted by mmorand on March 12, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Oh yeah!!! We’re back with Week 5 of Relationships 101: Seeking to Understand Relationships
This series is my gift to you because I want you to have the greatest happiness and peace you possibly can in all your relationships. If you read and re-read this series until you really get it, and practice these key tools, you will find that all your connections get simpler, easier, deeper and more pleasurable for you and almost all of that happens without you having to have any “big” conversations and confrontations.
This week’s article and homework assignment (should you choose to explore it) will prove this, and you’ll be so amazed at how easy and safe relating to others can be. Oh yeah!!!
This week’s article “Seeking to understand” could just as aptly be called: “Allowing for the possibility that you have misunderstood someone.”
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Tags: co-dependent relationships, exploring, forgiveness, grounding, growing, healing, insecurity, past, present, rebalancing, relationships, self care, self esteem
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 26, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
This week in our Relationships 101 series, I want to chat a bit about flags in a relationship.
If I do say so myself, I wrote a pretty smokin’ section on this in my book so if you’ve got access to “Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is!“ I encourage you to check out Chapter 23. It’s got lots of good education and tools on communication in relationships.
I’m going to present an abridged and updated version of the section on flags here so you can get a good feel for the concept and begin to experiment with it yourself.
The Flag System
I am about to share with you a concept that is not in and of itself a communication tool. However, it is a fundamental tool for assessing the information you are receiving verbally and non-verbally from people in your life. Once you have assessed this information, you will be in a stronger and clearer place to determine for yourself how you want and need to proceed. By that, I mean whether or not you need to speak to the other person, and if so, what you need to say. (We’ll address the what to say and how to say it in the next 2 weeks of this series of articles).
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 19, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Okay folks, we’re at Week 3 of what could (but won’t) be a 52-week series! We’re going to tackle the key bits of any relationship and how to make yours hum in 6 weeks (or so). This week we’re specifically going to explore flags in a relationship.
If you’re not into this series as it’s just not where you’re at or what you’re needing at this time, I highly recommend you spend the next few weeks reviewing the “Complete Recovery Series.” This is a series I wrote that lays out the key tools you need to begin to experience healing in your relationship with food. You’ll find a listing of all the articles on the left hand side of the blog.
If you’re following along with this series however, you’ll have experimented a bit last week with providing for others and for yourself that which you have been expecting or looking for from them. I’ll bet you learned a great deal and that already you have greater empathy for yourself and for others.
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 11, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
When you are learning how to improve your relationship it’s important to know how to assess quickly, safely, and respectfully, who is a fit for you and who can’t be. While you’re working on this you need to also think about who you and the other person are at this time and then list the boundaries and unhealthy behaviours in a relationship.
Relationships 101 Week 2: How to Improve Your Relationship
Okee dokee then! How’d last week go? We had some interesting discussion on our web program forum, as the assignment really hit home for a few members. I love hearing how people are working with these tools and beginning to understand more about why things are the way they are and, most importantly, what to do to make things different.
Last week, I ran you through a basic process of identifying what you’re really looking for and what criteria (definition) you would use to identify if those traits were present in someone you were considering for a friend, partner or a peer, etc.
Then I asked you to consider yourself in relation to that list and identify as best you could, which of those traits you already embody and which need a little tweak in you in order to bring you up to the level of that person you seek as a friend or partner.
The key point being, and this is key: You cannot reasonably expect anything from someone else that you are not first prepared to offer yourself.
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Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Posted by mmorand on February 5, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4.
Well, it is February after all, so, I thought I’d make this next series of articles dedicated to the top of how to have a great relationship.
I am guessing that you have at least one relationship in your life? And I’m guessing that you might like to know how to feel more confident, secure, trusting, open and intimate in that relationship?? And maybe you want to be able to know the difference between what is your “stuff,” i.e. what you have responsibility for and what you have control over, and what has nothing to do with you at all?
What about learning how to discuss sensitive issues with the greatest ease and to the highest possible resolution? That would be a good thing, no?
What about learning how to know when you’ve truly done your best and how to let go of relationships that can never meet your needs without feeling guilty, bad, like a failure, responsible, ashamed or at all uncertain that you’re doing the right thing?
Yes, it’s possible. In fact, when you follow these basic steps that we’re going to explore over the next few weeks, you’ll see how there is a method to being successful in relationships. It’s not a secret. You didn’t miss the class where everyone else got shown how to do relationships. We all need to be shown this one way or another. And there’s no time like the present, right? Right!
We’ll tackle each of the above core relationship issues as we go through the next month or so, and by the end of it all, you’ll know exactly how to create and maintain the relationships you seek in all areas of your life. It may take a little practice but you’ll at least have a lay of the land, know what you’re shooting for, and what to do to reach your goals.
And in case you haven’t put this together for yourself yet, let me reassure you that when you begin to work with these tools you will also naturally be building your self-esteem and sense of equality with others as well as naturally loosening the stranglehold that food and harmful all-or-nothing thinking has on you.
For this week we’re going all the way back to the beginning of any relationship, back before there were two, to just you.
Now, I realize that you’ve already likely got a couple of connections in your life if not many, and I’m not suggesting that you abandon them and start from scratch. I’m suggesting that until you step back from your connections for a moment and get very clear with yourself about what it is that you are looking for from others and what it is that you bring to the table, you can’t even truly begin to assess the quality of the connections you’ve got now, let alone begin to do your part to make them as strong and healthy as they can possibly be and hold others accountable in the same way.
So, for this week, to make the best use out of this series and start creating the relationships you desire, there is a little time and energy required of you. It will pay you off in spades, I guarantee you.
- Allow yourself to imagine the key people you’ve had in your life, however briefly or far removed, that you really felt safe with and really felt respect for and respected by. If no one comes to mind, as can be the case, use characters from Hollywood movies, cable TV shows or books that you liked (I confess that when I began to explore this concept for myself in my search for healthy female friendships and healthy romantic partnerships, I was so starved for healthy female role models that I clung to the integrity, confidence, self-respect and courage that Angela Lansbury’s character, Jessica Fletcher, portrayed in the “Murder She Wrote” TV series (she’s got serious values and chutzpah, that gal!). In other words, feel free to use anyone that comes to mind as your foil for a respectful, healthy, grounded person.
- Make a list of the characteristics and traits that those people embody in your experience of them.
- If you’re stuck, ask yourself the reverse question: What has been/is present in your relationships in which you have felt unsafe, insecure, and /or disrespected? Now turn that around and that’s what you want, i.e. a past partner of mine would threaten to leave every time – literally – I held him accountable to his commitments (that relationship didn’t last long!). If I were to turn that very unsafe pattern around into what I want, I’d say I need friends/partners who have integrity; who are committed to honouring their word and who are respectful and accepting of the consequences of not doing so; someone who can apologize openly, learn from their mistakes and express their anger or fear in ways that aren’t shaming or blaming but rather bring us closer together and deepen my respect for them. To me, these pieces are fundamental to any healthy relationship.
- Now, add to that list, any additional traits, characteristics, values, and principles that are important to you in order for you to feel safe and respected and trusting of another person. **Notice how your inner critic (the Drill Sgt.) may chime in about what you can and can’t ask for; what you are deserving of; what you are entitled to; what the unlikely chances are of you actually getting this and simply use your Drill Sgt. dialogue tool: What is your intention in saying that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And what is important about that? And when you get to the end, just thank your Drill Sgt. for his intention, tell him how he could achieve that outcome with greater respect and enhance your self-esteem instead of trashing it. Remember your inner critic loves you, he just is very confused about what love is and how best to show it…remind you of anyone from your past??
- This is your list of traits and values and principles that you need someone to have in order to feel safe, trusting, and respected in your relationship with that person. Regardless of whether you think it’s possible for you or whether you worry that that person doesn’t even exist, this is what you need! No other connection is going to feel safe to you, so don’t settle. We ALWAYS get what we are willing to settle for. Don’t be willing to settle for anyone who doesn’t create a sense of respect, safety and trust with you. (And don’t be willing to settle for anything less in your relationship with yourself either!)
- You may want to add a few additional traits for that special someone….but otherwise, you are looking for people who fit these characteristics and you’re not going to waste your time and energy trying to build a relationship with someone who isn’t capable of these core traits and behaviours, not unless you want to continue to feel insecure and use food to cope that is.
So, a few things to deepen your awareness once you’ve made your Healthy Traits (HT) list:
First, now it’s your turn. Take a look at your HT list for what makes a person feel safe, trustworthy, respectful and just plain downright cool! And…..take a nice deep breath…..and ask yourself honestly which of these traits you can say that you embody towards the people in your life, including the grocery store clerk, the bus driver, the server at the restaurant, your parents, partner, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc.
Yes, you! It’s never appropriate for an adult to expect things from others that they aren’t first willing and able to do for themselves. In fact, I have discovered over the past few years that when I am feeling a wee bit resentful or annoyed with someone, if I just ask myself what I’m needing from them/expecting from them, and if I’ve offered them that, I find the answer is usually, “Ummmm, well, no, actually.”
The act of getting clear on that in myself and then committing to offering first what I’d like from others usually takes care of my need entirely because in holding myself accountable to be the person I expect others to be, a funny thing happens. First, I feel instantly less resentful, more open-hearted and strong. And guess what? The other person responds in kind and naturally starts to open their heart more, and very often, to meet the need that I am now meeting for them. It’s quite remarkable actually and flies directly in the face of the co-dependent training to just get bitter and resentful and make snide comments or freak out (or binge!) when people don’t read our mind and meet our needs without us having to ask!
It is important to acknowledge the characteristics and traits from your HT list above that you already bring to bear to all of your connections and give yourself a hug of appreciation for this. Then make a list of the traits on your HT list that you are asking for / wanting from others that you don’t embody fully yourself.
In what ways and with whom can you begin to challenge yourself to be for others the person you would like them to be for you?
And, the last piece I want you to do this week is to make a list of the key connections in your life (partner, friends, family, co-workers, etc.) and identify any of the traits from your HT list of things you need in order to feel safe, peaceful, trusting and respected, that are currently missing in this connection (or seem to be) from that person towards you.
Okee dokee? So now, you have a list of the Healthy Traits in a relationship; the things that allow you to feel (or you imagine will allow you to feel) safe, trusting, respected, and peaceful in your relationships. You have a sense of where you’re at in your own safety, trust, respect and peace meter and where you need a little support or focus in order to hold yourself accountable to the standards you’re setting for others. And you have a sense of the connections in your life that need a little work (or a lot) and what specifically needs to change in order for you to feel happy in them.
That’s a great piece of work!
Tune in next week for the next instalment. And don’t worry about it if you don’t get it all done this week. Do what you can / feel ready for and just keep on reading. You’ll do it when you’re ready. In the meantime, gather the data, and help yourself to see more clearly what’s working and what’s not. I’m here (and so will this series of articles be) when you’re ready to dive in.
Have a fabulous week.
Love
Tags: all-or-nothing thinking, binge eating, co-dependence, co-dependency, co-dependent, compulsive eating, eating disorders, overeating, purging, relationships, self confidence
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, newsletter, Relationship with Food, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Relationships 101
Hello!
Before I dive in to this week’s article which is a response to a question/sharing from a newsletter reader I thought I’d share a piece of feedback I received that will help you to appreciate the value of giving this a try:
“Recently I made a comment and was judged for it. I felt terrible because this is an issue I have had before and I want so badly to be a person who is accepted and thought well of. When I went through the questions I realized that the person who had criticized me was likely insecure too and it wasn’t JUST about me. It was a helpful exercise.”
That’s great news!! I love hearing how just a few minutes of conscious, structured exploration can bring such peace and clarity!! Yay!
And now for this week’s question and answer from Anna.
“I so desperately want to be a gracious person but it seems I am always coming out with some comment that is less than gracious or some overreaction. I envy my neighbour who is truly gracious and even though I observe how it is done I can’t get there myself and often feel judged for my reactions and beat myself up repeatedly about this. I realize you can’t become someone else overnight but my progress is so slow that sometimes I feel I am peddling backwards. On the other hand if I’m constantly on guard and managing my image I feel like a boring flat person.”
Thanks for taking time to share your observations and frustrations here Anna.
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