Archive for CEDRIC Centre
Posted by Cedric on March 27, 2011
Mad: What Is Anger All About
In this brief article: Mad: What Is Anger All About, I’m going to share about what anger really means and how to begin to express it, and receive it in a healthy ways.
In a nutshell feelings of anger mean you, or the person expressing it, are feeling threatened in some way.
It could be a physical threat. More than likely, your anger will be triggered by some threat, real or perceived, to your sense of power and control in your world.
So your anger could be triggered in the moment by someone taking your job, cutting you off in traffic, ending a relationship with you or showing up late.
These are examples of a need for control (also known as security) which does not feel met in that moment.
A great way of perceiving anger, which helps to shift it almost instantly, is to get in the habit of reminding yourself that when you feel even the slightest bit perturbed, anger is just the surface emotion.
What is beneath anger is always the same: feelings of sadness and feelings of fear.
Knowing this, you can immediately diffuse your anger, or that of others, by acknowledging the sadness and fear that lie beneath it.
When you notice you’re feeling angry, frustrated, resentful, impatient, irritated etc. (all expressions of anger), simply ask yourself:
What is actually, factually happening right now? (In other words, what would anyone watching agree is happening now?)
And what is it about that that might be making me sad or scared?
And what am I telling myself that means? (What stories/interpretations/assumptions are you adding in here to the reality of the situation?)
And what is it that might be making me feel sad or scared about those stories and assumptions?
Is my feeling of anger coming more from the reality or the story of the situation?
If I could set aside my stories and instead either let them go entirely or ask questions to clarify whether they are accurate or not I could release a lot of my anger, or I’d know that there really is a true threat to me and I’d be better informed and prepared to respond to the reality of the situation.
Remind yourself of this series of questions – print them off, write them down. And ask them of yourself when you next feel angry or some facsimile thereof. Also use these questions in your head and maybe even out loud, when someone else is angry with or around you. It will help you to stay grounded, not take it personally, and to respond more effectively to the situation.
Posted by mmorand on March 26, 2011
Welcome. This is the first article in a series entitled Natural Eating 101 where we will focus on the diet mentality. Natural eating refers to an easy and peaceful relationship with food where you simply eat when you’re physically hungry, stop when you’re comfortably full, make honoring choices about what you eat overall, and have any food in moderation. No guilt. No shame. No sneaking, hiding, binging, restricting, purging. When you eat naturally, your body comes to its natural weight without rigorous exercise programs and without dieting or restricting. And it stays there.
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Tags: acceptance, all-or-nothing thinking, anorexia, anxiety, binge eating, body image, body/mind/spirit, compulsive eating, core beliefs, diet mentality, eating disorders, healing, self care, self esteem, self love, self worth, triggers
Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, Natural Eating 101, newsletter, Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self
Posted by Cedric on March 25, 2011
The Core Belief Experiment
This article will introduce you to a valuable tool that I call the core belief experiment. It will help you to see with greater clarity what is keeping you stuck in your efforts to change your binging or dieting or weight loss struggle or any stress you have because of drinking or procrastinating or social anxiety.
So often what is really triggering us to overeat, diet, drink or isolate ourselves is not the reality of the life we live at this time but the stories we are carrying about what is right or wrong; good or bad about us that we picked up in our childhood. The problem with this is that developmentally we are unable to see the world clearly and fully as children and so any event is going to be naturally skewed to be all about us and will also be coming from a perspective of a little person who knows they are powerless to take care of themselves and therefore is dependent on the key people around them to care enough about them to care for them. This creates a natural hyper-vigilance towards the behaviours of others that again, gets interpreted as being about us.
That means that no matter how healthy or functional or reasonable the behaviours of the key people in our lives as children we will take it personally, assume we did or didn’t do something to cause it and form solid belief systems about our worth or lack thereof based on those observations.
I say if you’re over 21 you are developmentally able to see the world differently now (your brain has developed to a point where you truly can see the big picture if you just get the chance to learn how) and it’s time for you to free yourself from those old beliefs that keep you stuck feeling anxious and insecure.
Ready?
Okay! Here’s how it goes.
You know how scientists come up with a theory they want to prove and they set about ‘proving it’ by doing whatever they can to disprove it? Well I want you to be a scientist with yourself for one day and see what happens.
First, identify one of your key old stories. For example maybe you believe ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I am unlovable’ or ‘There is something wrong with me’ or ‘I am not smart’ or ‘No one likes me’ etc.
Just for one day make a commitment to yourself that you will only interpret events from the perspective that your old belief is untrue.
Yes, that’s right!
Don’t get caught up in the authenticity factor. So what if you really think you’re not good enough. For this one day you’re going to invite yourself to approach the world and to interpret the events of the day and the actions of others through the lens of ‘I am good enough.’
You’ve been lying to yourself for decades. I’m giving you an invitation and an opportunity to free yourself from the old bogus story and to allow yourself to see what is true right now.
So for the next 24 hours, notice the things that happen to and around you, and, whatever your standard old story is, offer yourself exactly the opposite. Interpret everything in the reverse of how you typically would.
For example, if you would normally make everyone’s behaviour about you, challenge yourself on this day to make it about them, or to step back from having an opinion about it at all, and see what happens when you don’t take it on.
If your belief is that you are not good enough, see what happens if you interpret events of the day through the lens of this belief: “I am great,” or “I am deserving of good things.”
It’s just one day – you can go back to thinking you’re flawed and unlovable tomorrow if you like. But for this day, give yourself a chance to see if perhaps that old story might just not be true.
Love Michelle
Posted by Cedric on March 22, 2011
My rule of thumb to assess my comfort and trust in a relationship is this: if I can’t bring myself to tell someone that I have a certain need in my relationship with them and ask them if they would be willing to meet that need for me, I know that I don’t feel safe with this person, and for some reason I don’t trust them to respectfully respond to my request. But if I don’t trust this person to respect my request enough to listen and try to find a win-win solution (one that meets both our needs), then that tells me a lot about my connection with them at that time.
Sometimes this might simply mean that it’s too soon to ask or share that piece of information with this person, and my fear is natural. There has not been enough time to build the trust necessary to safely share this piece of myself with this person. In that case, I can just acknowledge it, and let it be okay to wait until more time has passed and I do feel safe – even if that is weeks away. If I feel such urgency to share something that I am willing to override my sense of comfort and security, this is a sign that I am in a co-depending connection and feel that I must share to meet the other person’s need. I need to shift my focus from the needs of the other person back to me. If you do this, you will immediately feel less anxious and much more grounded.
Posted by Cedric on March 21, 2011
Relapse is Part of the Addiction Recovery Process
Relapse is a very common phenomenon in addictive behaviours. In fact, relapse is part of the addiction recovery process. It doesn’t mean something is wrong or that the thing you’re trying isn’t working or that you can’t be successful, it most often means that you’ve forgotten your new tools, or still need education in how to use them and so you’ve naturally defaulted to what is familiar in your approach to deal with stress or painful feelings at that time.
It takes time to develop the familiarity and trust required to implement new methods of coping.
In time it will be natural for you to respond rationally and reasonably to stressful situations rather than reverting to your old coping strategy.
But until you have the strength and trust in yourself to cope effectively in the new way, you will often utilize the coping strategy which has worked best for you in the past, even if you have a strong desire to behave differently.
What is most important is that you appreciate that relapse is to be expected and welcomed because it provides you with clear information about the situation at hand.
The process of recovery is going perfectly if, when you default to old coping strategies like drinking or binging or dieting you stop and take the time to identify what triggered you and take action to resolve that trigger. There is no need beat yourself up – in fact that just makes you feel worse and leads to greater stress and more likelihood of abandoning the recovery process all together.
You must remember that you use your coping strategy to cope with stress and until you have other more effective ways of managing stress and you also are able to greatly reduce the overall stress in your life you will naturally need your coping strategy.
So, cut yourself some slack. When you find yourself binging or getting caught thinking about how quickly you can lose weight just remind yourself:
“That’s my coping strategy and that means I’m stressed. What, separate from my coping strategy is stressing me out right now and what can I do about that?”
True, lasting recovery is build on solid self-esteem and clear, reasonable thinking. And you don’t get that by beating yourself up for using a coping strategy.
If you’re ready to change and you want to make is simple and fast, reach out and let me show you how we can help.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by Cedric on March 20, 2011
We are eating compulsively when we feel we have lost control of our relationship with food. We can no longer stop eating when we choose. We often feel compelled to eat until we physically can’t eat any more. We focus more and more psychological and physical energy on losing weight, and on negative thoughts about ourselves (I am weak, I have no willpower), and about our body (I am fat and unattractive). This cycle of restriction, binging, and guilt is compulsive eating behaviour.
When we eat compulsively, it is hard to see that binge eating is serving a very useful purpose. While we are eating, we are able to focus solely on food and weight. For that brief moment, we don’t have to worry about any feelings or experiences in life that are scary, overwhelming, or out of our control. It may feel foreign to acknowledge that the painful and frustrating relationship we have with food really is serving a purpose for us. The truth is that until we find an alternative method of addressing life’s stresses and our need for comfort, we will always come back to food.
Posted by Cedric on March 19, 2011
Body Focus Hides Emotional Pain
When we automatically focus on what we are eating or shouldn’t be eating, calorie counting, and losing weight, whenever we start to feel anxious or unsettled about anything we effectively keep ourselves in a state of denial about painful experiences in our lives. Your emphasis on body focus hides emotional pain that you don’t want to feel or aren’t sure how to manage. If you want to stop feeling so anxious, insecure and stressed about your body and food or any other harmful coping strategy like eating disorders, binging, drinking or drugs you’ve got to change the way you’re thinking about yourself and the world around you and not allow your instinctive brain to run free telling you stories of doom and gloom and of what’s wrong with you.
If you’re using any of those coping strategies I mentioned above it means you have a strong need for acceptance from others and will go out of your way to please others, even if it means sacrificing yourself.
This need for acceptance, coupled with feelings of low self-worth, keeps you stuck in a world of perfectionism, where your primary focus is on your body, how unacceptable you perceive it to be, and what life will be like when you finally have the body you desire.
As long as you believe that your body is the source of your unhappiness, you are able to stay in denial about the underlying causes of your distress.
What you fail to understand, because of past life events and your confused interpretation of them, is that you are a capable human being, who can safely be responsible for your emotions and experiences, and who can learn to feel confident and secure in yourself and to show respect for yourself and your needs, without losing the support and respect of others.
Trust this. Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or that you can’t create it. You don’t really believe you know everything there is to know do you?
You may be afraid that you can’t change but that fear is very different from an absolute fact and I know from my own experience and 20+ years as a counselling specialist that if you just show up and you’re willing to try something new, you will be amazed with how quickly and simply patterns that may have plagued you for decades change for good.
Reach out and let me show you how.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by mmorand on March 19, 2011
This article is part of a series: Relationships 101: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3, Week 4, Week 5.
Part 6 is called Getting What You Need. In the past 5 weeks of this series we’ve covered almost all of the fundamental pieces of relationships. We’ve looked at what it is you value and what it is that you need in your relationships in order to feel safe and respected and happy. We’ve discussed how to make sure you’re cultivating relationships with people who are in alignment with your goals and values and principles so that you can be happy in your friendships and partnerships. We’ve addressed making sure that the things you’re expecting/asking of others are things that you are prepared to offer yourself and others as well and that your expectations are therefore reasonable and fair (this is a fabulous way to lessen your frustration and resentment with others immediately and increase the empathy and compassion between you). We’ve talked about co-dependence and how to resolve it if it exists in your relationships. And, we’ve talked about seeking to understand: The fine art of asking questions rather than just assuming your assumptions are accurate.
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Posted by Cedric on March 18, 2011
You know all too well how distressing and overwhelming it can be when you observe yourself doing something you don’t want to do, for example, overeating, because this action will be of no assistance to you in reaching your ultimate goal. But you can’t stop yourself; you feel as though you have no control and that your life is out of your hands. You feel simultaneously comforted and soothed, in that anxious and strangely familiar way. You feel as if you are going crazy. You feel stuck and hopeless, and you begin to make plans for what you are going to do differently next time because this gives you a sense of power and makes you feel a little better in the moment, even though you know you are not likely to be successful then either!
This whole scenario used to play itself out countless times a day for me at the height of my compulsive eating. Never once did I stop to think that they may be something else going on. I never once asked myself what just happened (past, present, future, thoughts, feelings, behaviours) to make me want to use food to cope. I did not have a clue that anything other than my own weakness and lack of willpower was at work. I bought fully into the story that it was I who was ineffective.
Posted by Cedric on March 17, 2011
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had – and this is also true of myself in my days of coping with food – who were just devastated with a one- or two-pound weight gain. They were certain it showed, that everyone was noticing, and they felt like the fattest, grossest person in the planet. Conversely, those same clients would feel much more confident and secure if they were down one or two pounds. One or two pounds! Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Truly, not even noticeable to anyone, but to someone who believes that external approval will only come when they look like a super model, one or two pounds is truly devastating.
The Diet Mentality takes us out of our Authentic Selves: out of what we are feeling, thinking and needing. Instead, it puts the power in the hands of the weight loss centre, latest diet book author, our friends, family or media. We are blown about by the wind, constantly trying the next fad that comes along in an attempt to achieve that elusive goal of the “right” weight and thereby achieving happiness at long last.
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