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Posted by Cedric on May 13, 2011
If you are experiencing feelings of concern, doubt, and resistance (particularly to the concept of “self-love” and “self-care”), remember that this is your Drill Sgt. who is desperate to maintain the status quo. He fears your contemplation of self-love because, to him, this is akin to complacency and means you are going to give up.
From his perspective, it is an excuse to be lazy, and you are not permitted to be lazy or to rest until you have met the Drill Sgt.’s criteria for acceptability. And this is only because he really does think he knows best. What he knows is “motivation through criticism” and not motivation through love and compassion. In a nutshell, this is why are are where you are today.
Posted by Cedric on May 11, 2011
A great way to start tuning into the all-or-nothing thinking in you is to just stop and observe yourself every once in a while. I guarantee that if you are feeling frustrated, rushed, pressured, annoyed, irritated, overwhelmed, hopeless, depressed, anxious or desperate, you are telling yourself that something must be a certain way – that something should be different, or that you should be different.
Just ask this question of yourself: “What is it that I am telling myself must be or go a certain way?” Self-imposed deadlines and expectations are the most common example of this. You will find, as you check in, that you are rushing about like mad, feeling annoyed and resentful of others because you have told yourself that something must be done in such a way by a certain time. Does it really? You would like it if it were. But that is very different from the story which had you rushing about and feeling annoyed with others (especially those who were not rushing about as you were).
Posted by Cedric on May 9, 2011
The inner parent is responsible for raising and caring for your Authentic Self. The Authentic Self is the part of you which is alive and present. It houses your feelings, and only when you are aware of and connected with the Authentic Self in the present, can you fully feel your feelings and therefore fully feel alive. The Authentic Self could also be described as your intuition.
Your Authentic Self is innocent, forgiving, and full of love. If your Authentic Self is being neglected or treated badly, you will feel distanced from your feelings – almost as though you are disconnected from yourself. When overwhelming situations force you to be aware of your feelings, you will feel unable to cope with the sadness, fear and loneliness which arise from your neglected Authentic Self. You will seek to distance yourself from your feelings and will turn to using coping strategies, such as overeating or bad body thoughts to take your mind off what is truly stressing you at that time.
Posted by Cedric on May 5, 2011
Guilt is a throwback from the Diet Mentality. It is a coping strategy from the Drill Sgt. It is his way of manipulating you to do what he thinks you need to do. Whenever you catch yourself feeling some guilt about what you have eaten or what you want to eat, remind yourself that to restrict yourself is punishment. The more you restrict yourself in terms of when and what you eat, the more you will reinforce the message that you are underserving, and you will continue to be plagued by bad thoughts about yourself.
Restriction and guilt serve only to keep you focused on food and body image while you are spinning your wheels on the surface. They keep you from acknowledging that you have a legitimate need which is driving you to: (a) want a particular food; (b) eat when you’re not hungry; or (c) eat more than the Drill Sgt. thinks you should. The guilt must go. And the more you remind yourself that food is just a coping strategy and seek to understand what is triggering you in this moment, the less guilt you will feel and the more you will be truly free to achieve the goals you have for health, wellness and life in general.
Posted by Cedric on May 3, 2011
Natural Eating Check: How to Eat Normally
Natural Eating Check: How to Eat Normally is a short little post to help you have a clearer idea of what natural eating looks like and how to begin to make it the norm in your life.
Notice when you are about to eat something and simply ask yourself: Am I truly, physically hungry? (If you have to wonder you’re not hungry. Even those who use restriction as a coping strategy can tell when they are hungry if they are willing to be honest with themselves.)
Ask yourself what you’d really like to have to eat and if that choice is going to feel good physically in your body and if it will help you get to where you want to go in your goals for body image, weight loss and health.
Stay tuned to your body while you’re eating – stop after 5 minutes or so and ask yourself how you stomach feels and if you think you’ve had enough. Then stop in 5 more minutes and so on.
Create natural check in points by starting out with less food or by separating your food in half on your plate. You don’t have to stop eating if you don’t want to, this will just help you to be more aware of the sensations in your body and will lead to you making choices that feel better all around in time.
Do your best to let go of the need to judge what you are eating, and keep coming back to the concept of Natural Eating:
Eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full.
Everything in moderation.
You can always have more later.
No good or bad foods.
No guilt.
Notice any time you’re eating more than you’re hungry for; not letting yourself eat when you are hungry; or resisting stopping. Acknowledge that this is your confused response to stress and isn’t about food at all.
Use the list of stressors to figure out what you’re feeling stressed about and what to do about it.
If you’re not hungry and you’re eating or you’re hungry and you’re not allowing yourself to eat, and you’re not feeling completely peaceful, you’re using food to cope with stress and confused thinking – no exceptions. Beating yourself up and focussing on food is a waste of time and a truly irrational response. Don’t spin your wheels – get the tools you need to solve your confused approach to food and to stress.
Reach out and let us show you how simple and fast lasting change can be.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by Cedric on May 2, 2011
Whether we arrive here via co-dependence or are fortunate enough to come from a safe and secure environment where we were permitted to be dependent until we were ready to let go, once we enter the stage of independence, our task is to get to know ourselves intimately and to love and respect this being that is us. Learning who we are, what we need, and then taking steps to meet these needs in ways that demonstrate love and respect for ourselves is what it means to be an individual.
Each of us needs a certain period of time as an individual, independent of others (parents/significant others), to come to truly know ourselves and to develop a sense of ourselves as a unique and valuable person in this world. If you are in a committed relationship which has some co-dependent tendencies, it will be important to establish firm boundaries about: (a) time for yourself, (b) deepening your sense of security and awareness as an individual, and (c) no longer taking responsibility for the emotional needs of your partner.
Posted by Cedric on May 1, 2011
The model for Nonviolent Communication (NYC) is such a wonderful tool because it allows us to effectively state our feelings and needs without making someone else responsible, and therefore, greatly enhances our chances of being heard and of meeting this need. Conversely, we cannot continue to engage in any co-dependent tendencies we may have and still use that tool because our request is so owned by us. It holds the mirror to our face and forces us to be aware of when we are trying to make someone else responsible for our feelings and needs versus when we are clearly taking responsibility for ourselves and asking someone if they would be willing to meet a need for us.
NYC is a beautifully succinct tool. It has four simple steps. The way to speak non-violently is as follows:
1. Observation: Sate your observation of the situation – no interpretation here – this must be stated in a way that anyone watching the scene would say the same thing.
2. Feeling. I feel…
What is your feeling about the situation you are experiencing?
3. Need: I have a need for…
Identify the needs you have which are unmet in the current situation.
4. Request. “Would you be willing to…?”
Here you ask the person to support you in meeting your need.
Posted by Cedric on April 28, 2011
Relapse is a very common phenomenon in addictive behaviours. It takes time to develop the familiarity and trust required to implement new methods of coping. In a pressure situation, you will learn to use your new tool rather than reverting to your old coping strategy. Until you have the strength and trust in yourself to cope effectively in the new way, you will often utilize the coping strategy which has worked best for you in the past, even if you have a strong desire to behave differently.
What is most important is that you appreciate that relapse is a part of the healing process and not a failure or sign of inability to change. Relapse is to be expected and welcomed, because it provides you with clear information about the situation at hand. The goal, when you experience relapse, is to use it as a tool for identifying stressors that are still challenging and for which you need to reinforce new, more healthful ways of coping.
Posted by Cedric on April 26, 2011
Doubting Your Deservedness
It’s not necessary for me to meet you to know, in my soul, that there is nothing about you (even that worst-ever thing that you keep beating yourself up with) that is so horrible or so lacking that you deserve to be treated with disrespect and harmed by others’ words or actions. You just think you do, but it’s not true at all. You do not need to go on doubting your deservedness.
However, because you have told yourself that it is true, you believe you are deserving of crap or that this is the best you can hope for: you are settling for mistreatment and lack of security in your life in some key relationships, whether they are with your partner, your boss, your children, your friends or relatives. No one on earth has the right to disrespect you, and you always have the right to leave a relationship or take a break if that person is harming you, mentally, verbally, or physically and not willing to acknowledge and change their behaviour.
What will make this a no-brainer for you is to learn how to know when your perception of a person and/or a situation is accurate. When you trust that you are seeing things clearly it becomes impossible for you to doubt yourself and what is right, and it becomes impossible for others to manipulate or threaten you into compromising yourself.
Trusting your perception of things and thus your deservedness has 3 key pieces. All of which can be explored in tandem and fairly quickly. To learn to stop doubting your deservedness you must:
1. Establish your own set of values and principles: These are your Beliefs and the Mores of society that you feel have merit and that you seek to exemplify in your relationship with yourself and others. This one piece alone makes life so much simpler and will make you feel so much stronger and clearer in your dealings with anyone else.
2. Learn how to trust that your assessment of yourself and your actions and intentions and capabilities is accurate.
3. And learn how to know what is reasonable for someone to ask of you and what is not – and therefore what you have a right to say no to.
When you have confidence in your ability to assess for the 3 aspects of relationship you will find it much easier to feel truly confident in yourself and in your relationships with others. You’ll also notice an amazing side-effect which is that your stressful coping behaviours like binging, eating disorders, dieting, weight loss struggles, drinking, isolating, procrastinating etc. will fall away.
You’ll feel much more peaceful in every area of your life.
If you’d like to learn how to make these 3 steps happen for you and start feeling deserving of care and consideration and all the things everyone else deserves, email and let me know. I am here to help you with a simple and speedy set of tools that will change everything for the better.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by Cedric on April 22, 2011
Someone who is exercising for self-esteem needs and self-care (more than anything else) would be able to say that exercise does not feel like work or a hardship because it is pleasurable. They would also be able to say they are flexible with themselves about when they go and what they do. This is because they know that they want to feel pleasure and enjoyment and not punishment or pressure.
Someone who exercises from a place of positive self-regard does only as much as is reasonable for their current state of health and trusts that, as their health and endurance improves, they will naturally choose to do more because they want to feel as strong and healthy as they can in their body. There is no need to pressure, cajole, threaten or berate themselves before, during or after exercising to ensure they “keep it up”. This is all old Drill Sgt. stuff. This is all coming from the belief that you cannot be trusted to do what is best for you, so you must be beaten into submission – for your own good, of course!
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