Author Archive
Posted by Cedric on April 21, 2011
The term co-dependency means that you perceive yourself as responsible for the feelings and needs of others. Those of us who use food to cope have an abundance of co-dependent training, and that is why we need to use food to cope. It is overwhelming being so responsible, so at fault. Our food focus gives us something else to concentrate on, however harmful, and momentarily decreases our state of anxiety. It is exhausting to be consistently inundated with the belief that whatever other people are thinking, feeling, doing, and needing, it’s all about us. Somehow, we did or didn’t do something which created this thought, feeling, behaviour, or need in the other, and sooner or later, we are going to be held responsible for this thing – whatever it is.
You may perceive yourself as being responsible for the feelings and needs of others, but this is just downright untrue. You are not responsible for what someone else thinks, feels and needs, or for their behaviour. You are not responsible for how someone else chooses to interpret their world or for how they choose to respond to their interpretations. No, you are not. Even if they say you are, this is only an indication of their own co-dependent belief system.
Posted by Cedric on April 20, 2011
If co-dependency is one of the coping strategies we learned as children, we must begin to change this as soon as we become conscious that we are being undermined by this harmful pattern. If we do not challenge it as adults, our co-dependency will keep us stuck on the level of needs for love, acceptance and belongingness, and it will undermine our sense of security in the world. In other words, we will likely find ourselves somewhat dependent and insecure in our relationships, and this leads to the use of food as a coping strategy when our needs for security, acceptance, esteem and self-actualization are unmet.
As children, the sense of feeling secure in our world, particularly in our home environment, is fundamental to our being able to focus on our relationship needs, and subsequently, our esteem needs. If we feel safe and secure, and we know that we are loved and accepted just as we are, we will be free to focus on developing an authentic relationship with ourselves. Coming to a clear understanding of who we are and what we require to feel strong and peaceful in our environment is our primary goal as children, yet it is surprising how few children actually reach adulthood with a strong sense of self-esteem.
Posted by Cedric on April 19, 2011
Sad is a great feeling. No, I’m not crazy. And if we were to meet, I’d bet you would say I was one of the happiest people you ever met. So my love of the feeling of sadness does not imply that I live there. I like sad as a feeling because it is true. Anger has a story attached to it that is often murky and more focused on others than yourself. Sad can have a story which isn’t all true, but it is far more about you. Sad is the feeling which brings you to your true self more than any other. I believe that is why so many people who use food to cope do pretty much anything they can to avoid feeling it.
We believe we are protecting ourselves with anger. Well, sometimes that’s true, but most of the time, it actually harms you. It is the way of being in an uncomfortable situation without being aware of how uncomfortable you are. That’s not so great. Not if your intention is to heal the past and take charge of your life.
Posted by Cedric on April 18, 2011
Let’s take a good look at that old story of yours and what you are still telling yourself on a daily basis.
1. What does your Drill Sgt. say about you when you are being self-critical?
2. What names does the Drill Sgt. call you when you are angry and frustrated?
3. What were the words people in your life used to describe you when they were angry or disappointed in you?
4. What messages about yourself did you receive from your parents, other family members, and/or peers (these can be verbal and non-verbal)?
Consider the above information. If you could capture the essence of your doubts about yourself in a single sentence: I am ____________________, what would it be?
You may actually come up with a few sentences. Some common and very debilitating old beliefs which you may be carrying are: I am ugly. I am fat. I am stupid. I am worthless. I am undeserving. I am not good enough. I am not enough. I am unacceptable. I am unlovable. I am a burden.
Allow yourself to be completely honest right now about what you truly believe at your core. Those old beliefs are only a child’s confused interpretation of the events going on around them. They were not true then, and they aren’t true now.
Posted by Cedric on April 16, 2011
Invite yourself to fully receive this next statement. Any goal that you ask of yourself that is not established from a place of self-respect and dignity and an acknowledgement of what is truly doable for you at that time is doomed to fail. It cannot succeed. Not for long anyway. Sooner or later you will feel overwhelmed by the pressure of those expectations and will begin to procrastinate and ultimately use food to cope yet again.
Keep in mind this vicious cycle is of your own creation. It is only your Drill Sgt. and his all-or-nothing thinking that keeps you stuck in this cycle of self-harm, constantly diminishing your self-esteem. There is no legitimate reason for you to be forced to do what the Drill Sgt. says you must do, in the way he says it, and in the time frame which he has created.
Posted by Cedric on April 15, 2011
If we were to label feelings as good or bad, everyone would say that “glad” is a good one, right? Well, sort of. Yes, on any given day we would rather feel glad than sad. But glad has its issues, also. Many of us have been taught that “you shouldn’t be too happy.” The expectations which many of us picked up from our society, peers, and caregivers are confusing at best: you are supposed to be light and joyful; you are not supposed to have any problems or needs; you are not supposed to be proud of yourself; you are not supposed to be more successful or happier than those around you, and on and on it goes.
So we are meant to be light and happy, but not too happy and not too light. By whose standards? Where is the “happy scale” which tells us how happy we can be and where and with whom? And how do we know when it is okay to not be quite as happy? Is it okay to be less happy sometimes? My goodness, the fears and doubts surrounding the simple act of feeling joyful are overwhelming.
Posted by Cedric on April 14, 2011
If we were not yet grounded in ourselves at a level of esteem needs at the time we experienced some form of abuse, neglect or other trauma, we would have interpreted that event as potentially threatening to our existence. In some cases, it truly was. In many cases, it was the emotional and psychological impact of those abuse experiences which impacted us most severely. So, while we may not have been physically on the verge of death, the experience undermined our sense of security on a deeper psychological and emotional level.
Our sense of the world – our worth and deservedness of respectful treatment and of dignity – was undermined deeply in many of these situations. This was traumatizing, without a doubt! Yet most of us were either told directly or indirectly to ignore or discount our natural and appropriate responses to that trauma. And that interpretation led us to develop a number of coping strategies to deal with our natural and appropriate responses.
Posted by Cedric on April 11, 2011
Disconnect leads to emotional overwhelm
The more overwhelmed and anxious you become in social situations or when facing something new or an unexpected change of plans, the more you can trust that your thinking gets stuck in worst-case-scenario land. The emotional disconnect leads to emotional overwhelm.
This stuck thinking leads you to feel immediately overwhelmed at the thought of anything new or unexpected and makes life much harder than it needs to be. Disconnect leads to emotional overwhelm when you have learned, over time, to assume the worst and to automatically shut down to what is actually happening in the moment. And hey, if you’re telling yourself you’re doomed, why wouldn’t you press the shut down button?
And if, without even realizing it, you have lived your life disconnected from your feelings for the most part, you are very likely wondering what the value of being connected to them would be.
In fact, your Drill Sgt. may be saying something such as “Feelings make you weak.” “Other people won’t respect you if you let your feelings show.” “You’re just a cry baby if you can’t control your feelings.”
Check in with yourself for a moment and ask where in the past you may have either heard these very words spoken, or if you witnessed significant people in your life modeling the behaviour of hiding, discounting, or denying their feelings.
Have you ever had the experience of suddenly feeling totally overwhelmed?
You are certain you are overreacting because you don’t know where all this emotion came from, and maybe others around you aren’t reacting as strongly or aren’t so demonstrative.
In addition to feeling emotional, you are compounding your pain by judging and berating yourself for this feeling.
You are certain there is nothing going on in your life to justify your strong reaction in that moment.
Does this experience sound familiar?
Well, hundreds of millions of people worldwide struggle with this one. It’s all about confused thinking and confused stress responses. It’s the cause of binging, eating disorders, addictions and every other harmful coping strategy humans engage in.
If you’d like to change this pattern in yourself let me know – I”m here to help.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by Cedric on April 8, 2011
Co-dependence is a Learned Behaviour
Co-dependence is a Learned Behaviour not an innate trait. So don’t give yourself a hard time if you find yourself prioritizing the feelings and needs of others or if you struggle to feel entitled to ask for what you need. Instead get the support and tools you need to learn how to approach your relationships in a functional, rational, interdependent way. Co-dependence is a learned behaviour – find out more:
If your process of individuation was thwarted by your caregivers, either through their own resistance to allowing you to mature; through a death or divorce; through physical or sexual abuse; or through emotional abuse or neglect (guilt trips, manipulation, silent treatment, yelling, judging or labeling, etc.), your needs for dependence were unmet as a child, and you have come to engage in a self-defeating style of relationship called co-dependence.
In co-dependence, you focus all your energy on meeting the other person’s needs. Your happiness feels completely dependent on their happiness and, as such, you are very emotionally vulnerable and have no real sense of security or control in your life.
If your partner is unhappy, you also become unhappy or engage in some emotional and psychological gymnastics in an attempt to determine and correct “what you did”.
It is unbelievable to you that someone’s bad mood or frown doesn’t have anything to do with you. The co-dependent perspective is that you are responsible for everything people think, feel and do.
Wow! That’s a lot of responsibility. You can’t relax until everyone is okay.
And that’s why you’re so anxious and insecure and stressed all the time. That’s why you binge and feel so self-conscious about your body and that’s why your diets don’t work and you struggle day after day, year after year to get a grip on food or alcohol or money etc.
I can teach you what is really true about relationships and how to create relationships that are fulfilling and healthy.
I can show you how to do your best to create that kind of relationship with people who are already in your life and you’ll be amazed at how simple and obvious it is to do this.
Let me help you to have healthy, fulfilling relationships and to stop stressing about food and weight and look and feel great while you’re at it.
Change can be speedy and simple when you have simple, effective tools and a skilled teacher.
Email me and let’s begin some individual counselling or join the online program and get started today.
Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com
Posted by Cedric on April 3, 2011
Healthful boundaries are a fundamental piece of creating balance in our lives. The things which we allow and don’t allow to happen around us, and to us, tell people a lot about our self-esteem and how we regard ourselves and, ultimately, what they can get away with in their relationship with us! In other words, if you have good self-esteem, you have strong and healthful boundaries. You feel capable of asking for what you need and letting people know clearly and directly when your needs are unmet. This lets the people in relationship with you know that you expect honesty and integrity from others, and you are willing to bring this to the table yourself. You wouldn’t be able or willing to tolerate dishonesty or a lack of responsibility in any relationship.
If your self-esteem is low and you question your worth or deservedness to have what you need and want, you will be less able to clearly ask for what you need and will often feel as though everyone else gets what they want while you don’t. You will often beat around the bush, or not say anything, then feel hurt and frustrated when the other person didn’t intuit your need. Depending on your level of self-esteem and what you have been taught by role models in your life, you may see getting what you want and need as beyond your control.
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