The model for Nonviolent Communication (NYC) is such a wonderful tool because it allows us to effectively state our feelings and needs without making someone else responsible, and therefore, greatly enhances our chances of being heard and of meeting this need. Conversely, we cannot continue to engage in any co-dependent tendencies we may have and still use that tool because our request is so owned by us. It holds the mirror to our face and forces us to be aware of when we are trying to make someone else responsible for our feelings and needs versus when we are clearly taking responsibility for ourselves and asking someone if they would be willing to meet a need for us.
NYC is a beautifully succinct tool. It has four simple steps. The way to speak non-violently is as follows:
1. Observation: Sate your observation of the situation – no interpretation here – this must be stated in a way that anyone watching the scene would say the same thing.
2. Feeling. I feel…
What is your feeling about the situation you are experiencing?
3. Need: I have a need for…
Identify the needs you have which are unmet in the current situation.
4. Request. “Would you be willing to…?”
Here you ask the person to support you in meeting your need.