Independence

Posted by on Whether we arrive here via co-dependence or are fortunate enough to come from a safe and secure environment where we were permitted to be dependent until we were ready to let go, once we enter the stage of independence, our task is to get to know ourselves intimately and to love and respect this being that is us. Learning who we are, what we need, and then taking steps to meet these needs in ways that demonstrate love and respect for ourselves is what it means to be an individual. Each of us needs a certain period of time as an individual, independent of others (parents/significant others), to come to truly know ourselves and to develop a sense of ourselves as a unique and valuable person in this world. If you are in a committed relationship which has some co-dependent tendencies, it will be important to establish firm boundaries about: (a) time for yourself, (b) deepening your sense of security and awareness as an individual, and (c) no longer taking responsibility for the emotional needs of your partner.

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Nonviolent Communication

Posted by on The model for Nonviolent Communication (NYC) is such a wonderful tool because it allows us to effectively state our feelings and needs without making someone else responsible, and therefore, greatly enhances our chances of being heard and of meeting this need. Conversely, we cannot continue to engage in any co-dependent tendencies we may have and still use that tool because our request is so owned by us. It holds the mirror to our face and forces us to be aware of when we are trying to make someone else responsible for our feelings and needs versus when we are clearly taking responsibility for ourselves and asking someone if they would be willing to meet a need for us. NYC is a beautifully succinct tool. It has four simple steps. The way to speak non-violently is as follows: 1. Observation: Sate your observation of the situation – no interpretation here – this must be stated in a way that anyone watching the scene would say the same thing. 2. Feeling. I feel… What is your feeling about the situation you are experiencing? 3. Need: I have a need for… Identify the needs you have which are unmet in the current situation. 4. Request. “Would you be willing to…?” Here you ask the person to support you in meeting your need.

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Relapse

Posted by on Relapse is a very common phenomenon in addictive behaviours. It takes time to develop the familiarity and trust required to implement new methods of coping. In a pressure situation, you will learn to use your new tool rather than reverting to your old coping strategy. Until you have the strength and trust in yourself to cope effectively in the new way, you will often utilize the coping strategy which has worked best for you in the past, even if you have a strong desire to behave differently. What is most important is that you appreciate that relapse is a part of the healing process and not a failure or sign of inability to change. Relapse is to be expected and welcomed, because it provides you with clear information about the situation at hand. The goal, when you experience relapse, is to use it as a tool for identifying stressors that are still challenging and for which you need to reinforce new, more healthful ways of coping.

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Doubting Your Deservedness

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Doubting Your Deservedness


It’s not necessary for me to meet you to know, in my soul, that there is nothing about you (even that worst-ever thing that you keep beating yourself up with) that is so horrible or so lacking that you deserve to be treated with disrespect and harmed by others’ words or actions. You just think you do, but it’s not true at all. You do not need to go on doubting your deservedness.

However, because you have told yourself that it is true, you believe you are deserving of crap or that this is the best you can hope for: you are settling for mistreatment and lack of security in your life in some key relationships, whether they are with your partner, your boss, your children, your friends or relatives. No one on earth has the right to disrespect you, and you always have the right to leave a relationship or take a break if that person is harming you, mentally, verbally, or physically and not willing to acknowledge and change their behaviour.

What will make this a no-brainer for you is to learn how to know when your perception of a person and/or a situation is accurate. When you trust that you are seeing things clearly it becomes impossible for you to doubt yourself and what is right, and it becomes impossible for others to manipulate or threaten you into compromising yourself.

Trusting your perception of things and thus your deservedness has 3 key pieces. All of which can be explored in tandem and fairly quickly. To learn to stop doubting your deservedness you must:

1. Establish your own set of values and principles: These are your Beliefs and the Mores of society that you feel have merit and that you seek to exemplify in your relationship with yourself and others. This one piece alone makes life so much simpler and will make you feel so much stronger and clearer in your dealings with anyone else. 

2. Learn how to trust that your assessment of yourself and your actions and intentions and capabilities is accurate.

3. And learn how to know what is reasonable for someone to ask of you and what is not – and therefore what you have a  right to say no to.

When you have confidence in your ability to assess for the 3 aspects of relationship you will find it much easier to feel truly confident in yourself and in your relationships with others. You’ll also notice an amazing side-effect which is that your stressful coping behaviours like binging, eating disorders, dieting, weight loss struggles, drinking, isolating, procrastinating etc. will fall away.

You’ll feel much more peaceful in every area of your life.

If you’d like to learn how to make these 3 steps happen for you and start feeling deserving of care and consideration and all the things everyone else deserves, email and let me know. I am here to help you with a simple and speedy set of tools that will change everything for the better.

Love Michelle
mmorand@cedriccentre.com

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Natural Eating 101 Week 4: The True Culprit: Learned Helplessness

Posted by on learned helplessnessIt’s funny how much correspondence I will get about a general discussion topic but how little I will get from an email article that has anything whatsoever to do with topics like goal setting or learned helplessness. You know what I mean. It’s great to read and get ideas and to feel like someone else knows where you’re at and that there is hope for you to heal and be completely free of food and body image stress; the coping strategies of emotional eating, restriction (anorexia), or binging (binge eating disorder), or purging (bulimia) and the underlying co-dependent training and all-or-nothing thinking that trigger you to feel the need to do those things. That’s what we all want: a life that is free from self-harm and self-loathing and chronic anxiety and insecurity. And that’s what you can get from The CEDRIC Method and from working through these articles. (more…)

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Exercise

Posted by on Someone who is exercising for self-esteem needs and self-care (more than anything else) would be able to say that exercise does not feel like work or a hardship because it is pleasurable. They would also be able to say they are flexible with themselves about when they go and what they do. This is because they know that they want to feel pleasure and enjoyment and not punishment or pressure. Someone who exercises from a place of positive self-regard does only as much as is reasonable for their current state of health and trusts that, as their health and endurance improves, they will naturally choose to do more because they want to feel as strong and healthy as they can in their body. There is no need to pressure, cajole, threaten or berate themselves before, during or after exercising to ensure they “keep it up”. This is all old Drill Sgt. stuff. This is all coming from the belief that you cannot be trusted to do what is best for you, so you must be beaten into submission – for your own good, of course!

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Why you assume it’s about you

Posted by on The term co-dependency means that you perceive yourself as responsible for the feelings and needs of others. Those of us who use food to cope have an abundance of co-dependent training, and that is why we need to use food to cope. It is overwhelming being so responsible, so at fault. Our food focus gives us something else to concentrate on, however harmful, and momentarily decreases our state of anxiety. It is exhausting to be consistently inundated with the belief that whatever other people are thinking, feeling, doing, and needing, it’s all about us. Somehow, we did or didn’t do something which created this thought, feeling, behaviour, or need in the other, and sooner or later, we are going to be held responsible for this thing – whatever it is. You  may perceive yourself as being responsible for the feelings and needs of others, but this is just downright untrue. You are not responsible for what someone else thinks, feels and needs, or for their behaviour. You are not responsible for how someone else chooses to interpret their world or for how they choose to respond to their interpretations. No, you are not. Even if they say you are, this is only an indication of their own co-dependent belief system.

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Co-dependency is not where real safety is

Posted by on If co-dependency is one of the coping strategies we learned as children, we must begin to change this as soon as we become conscious that we are being undermined by this harmful pattern. If we do not challenge it as adults, our co-dependency will keep us stuck on the level of needs for love, acceptance and belongingness, and it will undermine our sense of security in the world. In other words, we will likely find ourselves somewhat dependent and insecure in our relationships, and this leads to the use of food as a coping strategy when our needs for security, acceptance, esteem and self-actualization are unmet. As children, the sense of feeling secure in our world, particularly in our home environment, is fundamental to our being able to focus on our relationship needs, and subsequently, our esteem needs. If we feel safe and secure, and we know that we are loved and accepted just as we are, we will be free to focus on developing an authentic relationship with ourselves. Coming to a clear understanding of who we are and what we require to feel strong and peaceful in our environment is our primary goal as children, yet it is surprising how few children actually reach adulthood with a strong sense of self-esteem.

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Sad

Posted by on Sad is a great feeling. No, I’m not crazy. And if we were to meet, I’d bet you would say I was one of the happiest people you ever met. So my love of the feeling of sadness does not imply that I live there. I like sad as a feeling because it is true. Anger has a story attached to it that is often murky and more focused on others than yourself. Sad can have a story which isn’t all true, but it is far more about you. Sad is the feeling which brings you to your true self more than any other. I believe that is why so many people who use food to cope do pretty much anything they can to avoid feeling it. We believe we are protecting ourselves with anger. Well, sometimes that’s true, but most of the time, it actually harms you. It is the way of being in an uncomfortable situation without being aware of how uncomfortable you are. That’s not so great. Not if your intention is to heal the past and take charge of your life.

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Core beliefs from childhood aren’t the truth

Posted by on Let’s take a good look at that old story of yours and what you are still telling yourself on a daily basis. 1. What does your Drill Sgt. say about you when you are being self-critical? 2. What names does the Drill Sgt. call you when you are angry and frustrated? 3. What were the words people in your life used to describe you when they were angry or disappointed in you? 4. What messages about yourself did you receive from your parents, other family members, and/or peers (these can be verbal and non-verbal)? Consider the above information. If you could capture the essence of your doubts about yourself in a single sentence: I am ____________________, what would it be? You may actually come up with a few sentences. Some common and very debilitating old beliefs which you may be carrying are: I am ugly. I am fat. I am stupid. I am worthless. I am undeserving. I am not good enough. I am not enough. I am unacceptable. I am unlovable. I am a burden. Allow yourself to be completely honest right now about what you truly believe at your core. Those old beliefs are only a child’s confused interpretation of the events going on around them. They were not true then, and they aren’t true now.

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