Archive for Relationship with Others

Parallel Journey – Forum with Tina

Posted by on parallel journeysThe holidays are behind us and now we can get on with life without the distractions of shopping, preparing food or taking care of others. As we swing into the new year, the Blog is about to swing into a new way of presenting information. I would like to introduce myself. My name is Tina Budeweit-Weeks, as Michelle’s executive assistant and a professional foodie, I am the perfect person to steward a new segment of the blog that we are tentatively calling the Cedric Forum. I propose that as I grow and heal with my own personal journey from mindlessness to a more intentional state around food, I share my responses and comments that arise when reading Michelle’s input and your insights. Each week I will deal with different themes such as presented by the different chapters in the workbooks and Michelle’s book, ‘Food is not the problem’, and I invite you to contribute to what we intend to be an ongoing conversation. There is strength in numbers and together we can turn our lives and our way of thinking around to promote a rapid restoration for healing. Here is a bit of a bio to get you up to speed. At 6 feet tall and with scales toppling in at close to the nightmare 300 lb mark, I am a 52 year old woman in the midst of many positive changes. After 5 years of post secondary education, this year was a milestone as I attained a Bachelor’s degree, and after 23 years of raising my children, I am now enjoying the relative silence of an empty nest as of this past summer. Newly educated and emancipated from the restrictive roles of motherhood, I am also just exiting that wonderful time of post menopause which means that my body has become more prone to being sedentary, and I am thickening around the middle. As my height makes weight gains seem almost invisible until I’ve put on 30 lbs., and with my aversion to using scales, I’ve managed to become larger than I ever dared believe and its definitely time to do something about that. There is more to the story as this year, a close friend stepped up to the plate and I have become a very well-loved partner/spouse, a far cry from my years as a single parent. I know this all sounds like good news, however, with all the freedom and nurturing, dinners out and wonderful, unrestricted grocery shopping sprees, I’m also being fed better than I ever was, which is exacerbating the problem of my weight increasing. Enter Michelle, who responded to my ad for employment in September. What a wonderful bit of synchronicity to discover that my innovative and brilliant new employer runs the CEDRIC centre! Just as I was trying to manifest a plan for my new life that includes being more active and cooking for two instead of many, the tenets that Michelle teaches through her counselling, workbooks and publication address exactly what I need. That is, a body-honouring way of bringing my excess weight gain to a halt, turning it around and minimizing my girth so that I take up less space. I’m tired of not fitting in normal chairs, of suffering in plane seats, of seeking benches when ‘normal’ people have no trouble with available seating. All I really want is to able to fit into normal clothes and to be able to seat myself in normal furniture without the constant reminder of what it is to be a Gulliver in a Lilliputian world. So, join me as I begin the process of learning to change my core beliefs, of silencing that infernal internal Drill Sergeant, and of eating naturally, and I will not only blog my developments, but also, share my ups and downs, my successes, challenges and plateaus so that you feel supported on your own journey to rebalanced wellness. Together, we shall overcome! The time is right and all is as it should be. Its time for us to be moving towards a fitter, healthier future.

Tina Budeweit-Weeks is a member of the CEDRIC Success Team in the role of staff writer and executive assistant for Michelle Morand. Her philosophy has always been one of self-nurturance and dignity. In support of the complex difficulties clients may experience around regaining a healthy balance, Tina’s writing is designed to sympathize, support, encourage and inform. Although there are many similarities in Tina’s process, she is not a client, but a hard working, behind-the-scenes member of the team, dedicated to helping the CEDRIC Centre stay current and effective.

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Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating

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A Story of Recovery

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Recovering from Food Obsession

Hi All!  It’s Michelle here. I’d like to share a great article that a client of mine wrote about her recovery experience.  Perhaps you’ll see some of yourself in her story. Have a great day! And thank you Mandy for your authentic sharing.  Love M.

You know those little dainty squares of rich sweet gooey sticky goodness that are served at events like weddings and receptions? The ones all laid out on trays looking shiny and chocolaty and simply divine… maybe topped with a delicately placed pistachio or strawberry? Mmmm, my mouth would water as soon as my eyes made contact. I wouldn’t be able to focus on the conversation because in my head I would be thinking, “Hm, where should I start? The butter tart looks good, but oooh, there’s one with chocolate…” I swear my eyes would glaze over in the euphoria of the blanket of sweets laid before me. That’s how it would start anyway. The end of the scene in my head wasn’t nearly as lovely. I knew, I just knew, I wouldn’t be able to stop at the 2.5 squares allocated by my RSVP. I would be trying to mingle and enjoy the company of those around me but my head would be whirling with the shame and guilt and barrage of insults I was hurling at myself. And so I would shamefully eat more. More than I deserved. More than was meant for me. I would leave in a huffy pile of grief and guilt. “What is wrong with me?!” I said that more times than I can remember. I do remember that I hit this point. A breaking point if you will. Where I wasn’t able to ‘get myself together’ around food. I knew I was in trouble and the answer to the question that followed me everywhere was beginning to become clearer. Obviously I had a sorted relationship with food. And, given that I hated what my beautiful body had become (how could it betray me like this?), I obviously also had a sorted relationship with it as well. My life was so blessed but I hated (not a word I use lightly) it and hated the relationship I had with some of the people I shared it with. I wouldn’t think how deep this went. And even that, I knew, was a sign of trouble. It was like I know enough to know that I don’t know enough – or however that saying goes. That was in 2000 – I think. Not a vast amount of time has passed in the grand scheme of things, but oh what a difference a week, a month, a year or two or eight can make! It was in the Yellow pages in Vancouver that I ran my finger along the ad for the Cedric Centre. I picked this one only because it offered a website where I could remain uncommitted and anonymous for the time being. The first phone call I made to Michelle was so hard. The weight of my feelings of failure were heavy to say the least. I tried to treat it like a business phone call… remain professional, get what you need and get out without getting too messy… that sort of thing. The thought makes me smile. Michelle and I ‘met’ (all of our sessions were over the phone) a couple of times a week at first and then gradually (very gradually!) became weekly and later monthly and then just a sort of check up every now and again. I can laugh now thinking of myself in my pajamas on the floor clinging with my sweaty hand to the phone, sobbing the, as Oprah calls it, ugly cry… there was so much to let out! Those were some very painful phone conversations. I think I was able to manage the pain for two reasons. The first, I felt very safe working with Michelle and the pace of our progress was ‘just right’. I knew that if I felt I was being challenged on something that I wasn’t ready for yet all I had to do was say, I can’t do it yet, and we wouldn’t… not then anyway. Michelle knows every last ounce of my dirt. And in return I know how to be whole. A fair exchange I would say. The second reason I was able to manage was the sessions would give something back to me. I was always left with little bits of knowing. A deeper understanding, a new perspective, a way to cope or all of the above. One of my favourite take home pieces was discovering I could change my self-talk and what that did for me. In about the course of a week I uncovered huge vast spaces of my mind that had been filled to the brim and spilling over with negative self-talk. I was amazed how much time, energy (oh the wasted energy!), and space that I had been filling with toxic and self-deprecating garbage. When I learned, with practice and guidance, to shut it out, change it, and insert new, kinder, gentler and more compassionate chatter inside my own head I felt… hmm, how can I even describe the feeling… I felt shocked, amazed, sad, proud, uplifted (the list of adjectives could get very long) but to sum up the best word would be…happy. I felt happy. I guess I felt like I was in charge again, but in a nicer just had a sunny vacation kind of way. This happiness grew inside me like a baby in a belly. I nurtured the good feelings and the warmth and understanding and compassion started to take over. Once it got a toehold there was no stopping it. Although, that isn’t to say it was a stroll through the park kind of a journey. lt was a process. There was a lot of back and forth going on. One step forward and some staggering falls back at times but it was a process after all. And, since I could see the shining comfy place it was all heading I decided it really was worth the trip! In these eight years since I have gained such an insightful, fulfilling and meaningful relationship with myself. I know who I am in that I know what my history is, what my flaws and shortcomings are, but more importantly I know my own strength, my resilience and resolve. And I have accepted my own offer of compassion finally understanding that compassion is not just to be shared with those around me but is allowed to be bestowed onto myself as well. I do deserve goodness in my life, and I welcome it. I am worthy of feeling happiness and of having a wonderful existence. I actually believe these things in my core. I have given birth to two children, my beautiful sons, born in 2005 and 2007. I cannot imagine going through the pregnancy and the months following their births without having a good relationship with my body. It was really during these times, when my body was doing so much important work that it truly hit home for me what the relationship I have with my physical self actually means. Had I still been carrying my self hate with me like a hat I could stick on my head during times of sour weather I don’t think I would have been able to enjoy the experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood to it’s fullest potential. My girlfriend, having just had her third, said to me, “Oh these stretch marks! I’ll never wear a bikini again.” I think my response was surprising to her because I said, “I wear my stretch marks with pride. My body worked hard for each and every one of them!” And, it’s true. We recently traveled to a beach, our first ‘family’ vacation, and I wore a fun little bikini and my stretch marks were noticeable to anyone who cared to look, but I wasn’t the least bit self conscious of them. What a relief to not give a damn what people think of how I look. I’m curvy, I have a little pouch of extra skin on my belly from where I carried my babies around for 9 months, I have stretch marks from that growth, but it’s like it all means something really special to me. Now, that’s not to say if I had a choice I would have chosen these little bonus extras. But, it’s what I got out of the journey as my permanent reminders of the outstanding job my body did bearing big (8lbs9oz and 9lbs respectively) and super healthy children. Who am I to look at my body after such hard work and say how ugly it is and how much I hate it?! So, I see my stretch marks and think, “Ah yes… well done!” There are days when self doubt and my old friend the core belief, “I am not good enough”, come lingering about, but I know how to offer them the compassion they are really looking for and for the most part am able to wish them well and send them packing. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself and I see old patterns begin to surface again, but I go right back to the beginning of my understanding and I remember to sit with what I’m feeling… find the real issue and deal with that the best I can or accepting it for what it is if it is something beyond my control to fix. Because, as one comes to know, it’s not about food. The relationship I have with my self is deeper more fulfilling and more rewarding than I had imagined. Sometimes the happiness sneaks up on me and I’m surprised how it has filled me up. My healing of myself changed my life. It changed my relationships, my perspective, my attitude, and on and on, but I am still me. I am the same person in so many ways. I just feel like I can allow myself to be softer and that doesn’t make me weak or a failure. It’s just what it is… softer… like one day I took a deep breathe and let it out slowly. So, those sweet treat dainties no longer play a role in ruining my social outings. Gone are the days of my mind telling me all sorts of rules and restrictions that riddled me with bad and yucky feelings and caused me to feel overwhelmed, which were the times when I used food to cope – hello diet, binge, guilt cycle! Now, ahhh, I walk in and think, “Oh, yummy, I like those and I can have as many as I want.” And I believe it and I accept it and I know I can feel safe around food because my relationship with food is healthy now. Then I do have as many as I want and enjoy them! Yes, I would say, unequivocally, that my mind/body/food relationship and all of the healing within my self which spread out to those relationships around me (insert ode to boundary setting here!) was worth shoveling my bucket full’s of dirt and pain and grief and mess into the receiver of my phone to the awaiting Michelle. Yes, worth every moment of it indeed. Happiness is just what I wanted. I can drink it up like sunshine in a cup now and I do!      

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Stepping Free of the Comparison Game

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A pattern of thought that goes hand in hand with disordered eating, depression, anxiety and pretty much any other harmful coping strategy is that precious little gem I call the comparison game.

The comparison game is a harmful, thought level coping strategy that undermines your overall self-esteem and your ability to lead a peaceful life. How do you play? Well, simply put, you compare yourself to others and you either find things that you think are better about you than the other person or you compare and find yourself lacking. Either way you lose!

What’s that you say? How can I lose if I find myself coming out on top some of the time? Well for starters, the sheer act of comparing yourself to someone else in any regard whatsoever sends yourself a strong message that you believe you are lacking in some way and that you need to find reassurance through proving that you’re better than someone else. In other words, you tell yourself that you will feel better through finding flaws in others. Not such a great strategy. What if that person grows and those flaws disappear? Now you are less than they are. What if you misinterpreted that person and they really didn’t have those flaws in the first place – how do you feel then, having built your self-esteem on your perception of them as weak in some area? I could go on but hopefully you get the picture; building your “self-esteem” on the pretense that someone else is lacking in some way is really like building a house in a swamp – you’re doomed from the start. In fact you’ll be worse off in time because each time you try and make yourself feel better by hanging on to the story of what’s better about you than someone else, you diminish your self-esteem and you put the power for your positive self-regard firmly in the hands of that person that you’re telling yourself you’ve got one up on. Not such a bright idea really.

Now, the other side of the game – where you compare and come out on the bottom. The girl at the next table in the restaurant is slender and attractive AND happily eating chocolate cake! Arg! Or someone else in the clothing store you happen to be shopping in looks great in a dress that you couldn’t get over your thighs! Double Arg! Or that girl you work with who has the amazing figure and the great boyfriend just got the job you wanted! How bad can it get?! Well, as long as you’re telling yourself that anyone’s successes or “failures” impact you in any way it can get pretty bad.

We begin to be quite small and petty and our insecurity grows exponentially when we play the comparison game and try to build ourselves up by finding flaws in others. Try this experiment with me for a moment. Imagine that scene in the restaurant where that beautiful woman is devouring the cake and clearly savouring every last bite. Now you have two options as I see it. One, you play the comparison game and start to notice your own body in relation to hers; your perceived attractiveness in relations to hers; and what you’re eating vs. what she’s eating. You then take a tally and decide whether you’re “better” than she is, or “worse”. Regardless of your outcome, how do you feel? Are you peaceful, relaxed, grounded? Are you focused on your dinner companion and enjoying your meal fully? Are you comfortable in your body and happy with your life? If you’re playing the comparison game the answer will be no. It’s the only reason you’re playing it in the first place. Somehow, from somewhere, you got the notion that in order for you to be the best you can be, other people have to be less than you; others have to be less beautiful, less healthy, less successful etc. That’s what I call the scarcity mentality – ie. there’s only so much beauty, health, love, success etc. to go around and if she’s got it, somehow that means you can’t have it. Bologne.

Now, go back to the restaurant and imagine this scenario: You see the beauty with her chocolate cake and you grin from ear to ear. You revel in her happiness and you celebrate her happiness with her body and her comfort with food. You feel joy that the universe has given you a mirror in which to see the beauty and health and passion that lives in you and that only waits to be released. Your heart warms and you return your focus to your dinner companion, happier, more full of life and love and maybe even saving some room for that tasty looking chocolate cake. How do you feel when you imagine that scene being your reality?

Feels pretty good doesn’t it? Yeah! Celebrating happiness and beauty always makes us feel happier and more beautiful ourselves, every single time, no exceptions. Our self-esteem grows every single time we invite ourselves to feel happy for someone else’s happiness.

The comparison game makes you small. It only reinforces that old poopy belief that you’re not good enough and that something about you needs to change in order for you to be acceptable. The story goes that until that magical something (which you probably think is your body and your connection with food) changes you’re vulnerable to the beauty and passion and success of others. Actually, the truth is, that it’s the belief that makes you vulnerable because that old story, which isn’t true now, and never has been, is what makes you think that you are somehow lacking and are therefore vulnerable to rejection, ostracism and judgement.

Ask yourself this question if you’re still not fully convinced of what feels best and where you’d prefer to put your focus: If, in order for you to feel better about yourself, that woman in the restaurant had to be overweight and unhappy, would you wish that upon her? Truly? What about the colleague at work with the guy, the bod and the new job? If in order for you to feel good about yourself she had to gain weight, be dumped and lose the job due to ineptitude would you want that? Would you really want your self-esteem to be contingent on someone else’s demise? I know that deep down inside, you wouldn’t want anyone to suffer in order for you to be the best that you can be.

Well then, be real with yourself. Every single time you play the comparison game in any way you’re doing exactly what you say you wouldn’t do. You’re saying that in order for you to feel better about yourself someone else has to be less than the best that they can be: The folks you’re “better than” have to stay where they are and the folks who are “better than” you have to come down a notch or two and then you’ll be fine.

That’s a very closed and harmful perspective on the world. Instead of carrying that old, worn out story that has never served you in any way, how about exchanging it for a new one? How about a new story that goes something like this:

“I would not want anyone to be anything less than the best that they can be in order for me to feel confident in myself. In fact, when I see something in someone that I admire or appreciate, I smile and send them my happiness for their success. If what I am celebrating in them is something I’d like for myself I ask myself honestly: “What am I currently doing to create that for myself?” and ensure that I am taking healthy, honoring steps to achieve that goal. If not I get concrete on the steps I will take and when. I will then say an extra ‘thank you very much” in my heart to that person for reminding me of what was important to me and for challenging me to be the best that I can be. I will also appreciate that seeing their success has proven that my goal is a very real, attainable goal because they have done it and therefore, so can I!”

Free from Comparison and Build Your Self-Esteem

Wahooo! How’s that for a great, life enhancing, honoring, passion filled way of being in the world. Suddenly you’re walking around looking for things you find beautiful and successful in others because you appreciate how incredibly inspiring it is to see people who are self-actualized and loving life. When I started doing this instead of feeling jealous and resentful of others I practically began bouncing off the walls I was so happy! I haven’t stopped bouncing actually, I’m just more accustomed to it! And I am filled with gratitude for the joy I get from celebrating others.

So, take advantage of those twinges of jealousy that might come up for you right now. They are indicators of old bogus stories of how you are lacking and each time you get that old twinge you are being given an opportunity to examine your old story of lack and to openly challenge its validity. And if you do find that you aren’t as fit, or as successful or as happy as you perceive the other person to be and, most significantly, as you’d like to be, ask yourself what you can do to begin to change that. Immediately turn your focus from what that person has, to what you can do to be the best that you can be in that area. Let go of needing to look or be exactly like that person and instead focus on doing your best, on living with integrity – where your words (to yourself and to others) are in direct alignment with your actions.

That’s how you create self-esteem. That’s how you live a life filled with passion and love and happiness and peace and beauty: By focusing not on what others have or don’t have in comparison to you, but by focusing on what you desire and setting concrete and clear goals for how you are going to attain that.

Have fun celebrating all the beauty you see this week.

Love Michelle

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Choice

Posted by on Responsible, conscious choice is the road to authenticity and empowerment.   The choice not to choose is the choice to remain unconscious and disempowered – this often leads to a feeling of being controlled by another – or by a substance   If you have ever felt or thought:   “They always get what they want and I never get my way”, “What I want isn’t important” You have chosen to ignore your needs.   The truth is that you have sent someone the message that whatever it is, it wasn’t that important to you.   When considering a choice: We must take into account the potential consequences of our actions.  Ask yourself:   “What will come from this choice?”   “Do I really want that?”   “Am I willing to accept the consequences of this choice?”   When you consider the consequences of your actions and remain conscious of your power and your right to choose your path, you have just made a responsible choice.  Whatever the outcome you chose the best option for you at that time and there is no shame or need for guilt in that.   Choices are often made out of a need for security now and not for long term happiness or fullness of life. The choices you make from anger, jealousy or fear and the education that comes through self-doubt and anxiety costs you personal power.  It drags you down and distances you from your goal of integrity and authenticity.   Choices made from love, forgiveness, humility and clarity and opening yourself to the wisdom of experience create power and authenticity.  This gives you the strength to face life’s challenges head on without the need for defense mechanisms such as disordered eating, anger and denial.   In a nutshell the choices we make directly influence whether we gain or lose personal power.   What is a fragmented personality?   The fragmented personality is not content.  It is continuously conflicting with different aspects of itself.  Our response to those internal struggles determines the way that you will evolve, consciously or unconsciously, through fear and doubt or wisdom.   It requires effort to remain conscious during life’s struggles but it is easier than living through the consequences that follow a decision to act in anger, or selfishness or fear when you know that with each decision to act without compassion you will experience the discord, or fear, or anguish that you create in another.   Isn’t it worth it to project ahead to the probable consequences of your actions, at each point of choice, and see how you will feel in each instance, how you will feel about those consequences and if making that choice will foster love and compassion for yourself and for others.   Choice: Self-Exploration   Remember, if your goal is to become authentic and to have integrity, making conscious choice is a key part of this goal.   Take some time now and reflect on choices you have made in the past.   What choices have you made unconsciously in the past?   What was the result?   How did you feel about yourself as a result of the outcome of unconscious choice?   Have you ever made a conscious choice?  Meaning, a choice that came from giving thought to the questions:  
  • What will come from this choice?
  • Do I really want that?
  • Am I willing to accept the consequences of this choice? 
If you have what was the result?   Your consciousness does not guarantee that things will go your way but it does guarantee that you did everything you could to ensure that it was the right thing for you at that time.  Knowing this means that we have no grounds for self-recrimination or shame for a choice that didn’t work out.   Make an effort over the next week to ask your self these 3 questions when faced with a choice that can have consequences on the future. (Keep in mind, this process doesn’t pertain to just the “big” events in our lives, even not brushing your teeth has consequences!)   Have a great week!  M

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Authentic Sharing

Posted by on Sharing Real Thoughts By Michelle Morand Across the board, without a shadow of a doubt, the most significant thing any of us can do to begin to claim our lives and step fully into ourselves as independent adults is sharing real thoughts and feelings with others. The act of letting others know who we really are and how we truly feel about any thing or circumstance has two amazing benefits: 1. It builds inner trust and strength. 2. It builds stronger and healthier connections with friends, family, co-workers, significant others and any one else you come into contact with. If you’ve been resisting being authentic with people about how you feel and what you think, you will be feeling some trepidation at the thought that you would benefit from being more open. You may even be dredging up past experiences to show yourself how wrong I am and that sharing authentically in the past has brought hurt and pain. Well, likely it has. And, that’s only because one of two things happened: 1. You were sharing with someone who had given you indications that they weren’t trustworthy and/or weren’t able to really honor the gift of your sharing. 2. You had given that person the power (in your mind) to decide whether the thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. that you were sharing with them were valid and appropriate and that individual trashed them, so you did too.

Sharing Real Thoughts and Building Inner Strength

Any time you share with someone from either one of those positions you will be wounded. And since sharing authentically is so very important to your overall growth and healing it is important to be able to know when someone has shown a lack of integrity/trustworthiness and to let yourself not share with them any personal information. It is also fundamentally important for your life-long happiness that you learn to value your own thoughts and feelings more than the feedback, thoughts and feelings of others. As soon as you master that skill, anyone around you can say anything and you’ll be solid, grounded, secure and clear in your respect for yourself. The most obvious way to determine if an individual is someone you can trust is this: Their words and actions align. They do what they say they will, when they say they will. And, they consistently demonstrate respect and dignity for themselves and for others. If this is the case you know you’ve got a person you can feel safe having in your life, whether it be as a significant other, friend or plumber! That’s because what that person is demonstrating to you is love and respect for themselves. And a person who truly loves and respects themselves will not disrespect another person. They may not agree with everyone else and they will say so. But they will do so with respect and dignity for all concerned. They feel solid enough in themselves that they don’t need to put others down or build themselves up by making others feel bad. So challenge yourself to share a bit more of your thoughts and feelings, more of who you really are with people who fit that description and allow yourself to share nothing of a personal nature with anyone who doesn’t meet that criteria. It’s not safe and you are responsible for making your world a safe and loving place. So start with letting it be okay to no longer share anything of yourself with people who have demonstrated a lack of integrity in their relationship with you or with others. If someone in the “lacking integrity” category holds a significant role in your life you can tell them why you are taking space and when and under what circumstances you would consider reconnecting: “George, I really care about you and I would like us to be friends, and when you roll your eyes or raise your voice to me, my needs for respect and safety aren’t met. Would you be willing to work on changing that pattern of behaviour?” If George says “Yes,” ask him to get back to you and let you know what he plans to do to change that pattern and tell him that you’ll be taking some space from the relationship/keeping your distance until you can be certain that you won’t be harmed by his contemptuous behaviour. If George says anything other than Yes, if he tries to make it about you being to sensitive, or says he was just joking, blah blah blah, if he says anything other than “I’m sorry and yes, I’ll work on that,” you’ve got to walk away from the connection. Your own needs for safety and love and self-esteem demand it. The easiest way to get to a place of honoring your thoughts and feelings first and foremost  is to let it be okay for others to think and feel differently from you. It’s okay, in this example, for George to disagree and to judge you as being oversensitive.  Let him have those thoughts and feelings. He doesn’t get it and that’s okay.  We get so caught up in needing the approval of others that we become chamelions, changing who we are and what we feel to accommodate whomever we’re with at that moment. Challenge yourself to be truthful to yourself about how you feel. If something doesn’t feel good to you; if something creates a sense of distress or disease take the time to figure out what it is and then take action to create a safe and peaceful environment for yourself.  You must be the most important person in your world. And you must care for yourself from a place of deservedness and clarity in your right to feel safe and peaceful. You do not need to feel shame or guilt or “needy” for having feelings and needs.  You are human.  Better than that you are a human with budding consciousness.  You are awakening and your first responsibility is to create an environment for yourself that is respectful and safe and allows you to be fully yourself at all times. Love Michelle

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All or Nothing Thinking

Posted by on by Michelle Morand

A number of unrelated events in my life this week prompted me to get thinking on the theme of all or nothing thinking.  It also got me thinking on what would be the simplest way to support my clients to shift out of their old, deeply ingrained, all or nothing thought habits and into a more open, expansive and peaceful state of being and thinking.

So, here’s what I came up with:

In a nutshell, if you’re not feeling compassion for yourself and the others that you’re interacting with in that moment (whether in your mind or in reality), you’re in all or nothing thinking. It’s that simple.

You may want to read that last statement a few times to make sure it sinks in.  Then read on.

You can test this theory for yourself over the next few days any time you notice that you’re feeling anything other than peaceful.

Whenever you notice you’re feeling anxious or unsettled; judgemental of yourself or others; blaming; resentful; impatient; etc., or using your food coping strategy (which is a clear indicator that you’re overwhelmed) simply stop and ask yourself:

“What am I telling myself about this situation or person that is creating this distress?”

Then stop and think, really think, about what you just told yourself.  Is it true?  Are you certain?

You will always identify that you have just been telling yourself an all or nothing story.

It could be that you’re telling yourself that something has to be done a certain way or by a certain time.  It could be that you’re telling yourself that someone should be doing something in a different way or conversely that they should not be doing something that they are doing.  And this story that you’re telling yourself could be about the past, the present or the future.  You could be engaged in telling yourself that something about the past should be different or that something about the future should not be as you imagine it will.  Either way, you’re in all or nothing thinking.

That may be hard to swallow. At first glance these stories may not seem like all or nothing thinking, they seem like absolute truths. Of course they do.  That’s the problem. You believe they are true and so you don’t even question whether the story you’re telling yourself might actually be the old all or nothing thinking.

The good news is that if you are at all open to the possibility that I might be right you can prove it to yourself very quickly.

First, consider for a moment what it means to be compassionate.  It means you are open; accepting; loving; understanding; strong; clear; direct; and peaceful.  In order to really live compassion you must have a solid and strong core of love, trust and respect for yourself.  In other words you have to have great self-esteem. You have to be solid enough in yourself that you don’t need things outside yourself to be a certain way in order for you to be grounded and happy.  Then you can be truly compassionate.

Conversely, if you’re in the all or nothing thinking pattern it implies that you are conditionally loving; rigid; fearful; and anxious.  It also means that in some areas you’re still seeking to meet your needs for security and for acceptance through people or situations outside of yourself. This is inherently dangerous and doomed to fail. You are dependent on the moods and behaviours of others, many of whom will be also looking for their security and approval through others.

If your compassion for someone or some situation falls apart as soon as they don’t comply, or things don’t happen the way you expect or want, you can bet you got sucked in to all or nothing thinking and telling yourself a story that things should be a certain way. That’s not compassion that’s conditional acceptance.  It will only lead to more anxiety and more use of food to cope (or whatever your primary coping strategy is).

If you really want to expose and shift this harmful pattern of thinking, and live more peacefully, commit to writing down your thoughts when you feel anxious or distressed. Try it at least once a day for the next week.  Seeing these thoughts on paper makes it so obvious that you’re in all or nothing and what you need to do to shift into a more peaceful, compassionate way of thinking.

And if you’re resistant to writing these thoughts out check to see if there is any all or nothing thinking in your resistance: EG. “I know that this is true, it’s not all or nothing, so I’m not going to write this one down.”  Or “I don’t want anyone to read my writing to I can’t write it down.” Or “I don’t have time.”

These are all all or nothing statements.

If you need a prompt once you’ve got your current thought down and are having a hard time seeing the all or nothing in it try this:

“What am I telling myself is absolutely going to happen?”  or “What am I telling myself should be a certain way right now?”

Then ask yourself: “What are some other possibilities?”  “Could I allow for the possibility that one of those scenarios is equally as likely as the first one?”

Inevitably you’ll be able to come up with a few other potential explanations or outcomes that feel more relaxed and open (compassionate).  Notice whether you reject those in favour of the old all or nothing story.  Notice if you would rather be anxious and distressed in your old story than open and peaceful in a new and unfamiliar one.

So, if this resonates with you and you want to do a piece of work on your old thought patterns, paste this statment on your fridge:

If I’m not peaceful I’m in all or nothing thinking.

And then prove it to yourself.

Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating

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Parenting and the Art of Detachment

Posted by on Parental feelings against a disordered eater. As parents of someone struggling with disordered eating, one of your greatest tools to cope with the stresses that come up will be the tool of “Detachment”. Hearing this word may bring to mind images of cold, steely indifference. In fact, detachment is anything but that. Quite simply, detachment is the ability to see the limits of our power over other people, places and things.

We can love others, but we do not have the power to control their lives. That power rests within each of us as self-determining individuals. Detaching from a loved one who is struggling to overcome an eating disorder will involve examining our own anxiety and powerlessness in watching someone we love make choices that are harmful.

Detaching will feel strange and uncomfortable if we are so used to being overly emotionally enmeshed with others. In our interactions with those from whom we need to detach we will be actively practicing “holding our tongue”. Where previously we might have offered advice, or issued threats or bullying tactics in order to get our loved one to act in the way “we want them to”, now, with the tool of detachment, we will acknowledge that the power to change rests within our loved one, and we will make statements acknowledging that. Detachment also means allowing others the dignity to create their own life and reality. It is a paradox, but the more we take our hands off of another persons life and give them the “space” to make their own choices, the more they will step up and begin to take responsibility for their own actions. Building detachment as an element of character takes determination and effort but the rewards are worth it. Detachment will transform the way we experience and express love and concern. Previously we saw co-dependent over involvement as love.

All the major religions speak of the quality of detachment as a manifestation of love. In Buddhism it is the experience of equanimity. In Christianity, it called being in the world but not of the world. When we disengage our emotions from the actions of our loved one that is practicing detachment. Detachment also means focusing more on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Often, in being overly emotionally enmeshed with a loved one, we have lost sight of ourself and have become completely consumed with the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of our loved one.

Beth Burton-Krahn, CEDRIC Counsellor

Posted in: Relationship with Others

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Sharing on insecurity

Posted by on Diet Mentality and Insecurity – I attended the Victoria health and wellness show this weekend. I also gave a presentation at the show on Sunday to a room of 130 people. It was a blast, I so enjoyed the whole experience. And, you know, presenting for me used to be such a scary thing. Early in my recovery, when I was still quite full of the diet mentality and my old core beliefs, I really wanted to speak publicly. Part of me enjoyed it so much but I was so preoccupied with my own bad body thoughts and self-judgement that all I could think about was how fat I must look or how stupid I must sound. These thoughts would understandably undermine the quality of my presentation and I would come away feeling awful. Inevitably when I asked for feedback sheets there would be 30 awesome ones and, yes, of course, one nasty one. There was always one piece of feedback that just stuck a knife in that weak and vulnerable part of me. Someone who thought I spoke badly or looked awkward or just spent too much time on something etc. etc. Now, no one ever said: “You’re too fat lady, get off the podium!” Or “You don’t have a clue what you’re saying I should have stayed home!” But at that stage in my recovery I was so sensitive to everything and anything that if you didn’t say I was God’s gift to public speaking I was a shambles I was also buying in to the old story that everyone thought that I had done a poor job it’s just that only one person had the courage to say so! I harmed myself frequently with that old story in which I undermined all of the positive feedback and reassurance I had received to instead focus on the one person who didn’t like my message, my delivery, or perhaps me.

Diet Mentality and Insecurity, Sharing Helps!

A big part of my recovery process became focused on shifting that old way of thinking that felt so true and natural for me. It was an old pattern that came from my father. He was such a strong presence and usually so very critical and contemptuous that I came to judge myself as he judged me. Therefore, as a child, when dad approved of something in me it must be good. However, if my mom said it was good and my dad didn’t, then it was bad. Or if the entire school body thought I had done well on something but my dad didn’t acknowledge it or chose instead to focus on the thing I didn’t do right, well, none of the positive feedback counted. It wasn’t long before I had internalized my father and a part of me turned in to my own personal abuser. Enter the Drill Sgt. “Perfection and nothing less” was his motto. Now add to that old “every one has to like me” story, the following ingredients:
  1. I have to be completely perfect in all ways
  2. Any negative comment I get, even if it’s only one, is really what everyone’s thinking
  3. Until I no longer get any constructive feedback or outright criticism in any way I will be completely “unperfect” and therefore, undeserving of love and compassion.
  4. and the worst thing of all! That I blush uncontrollably when I’m nervous or uncertain in myself.
And you have a completely red, blotchy, nervous, insecure, people pleaser who will compromise herself in an instant if she thinks that you might like her more for it. Well that was me! And it wasn’t until I began to ask myself about the double standard I was holding in life that things began to shift and life became a safe and joyful experience. On one side of that double standard I was awful and imperfect no matter what anyone said and any positive comment was to be immediately discarded as someone “just being nice.” Any negative comment was immediately taken as some great truth and insight into the core of my being and I put all my energy into immediately cleansing myself of that terrible trait or behaviour so as to never again feel the pain of that judgement. On the other side I always saw the best in others. I was willing to forgive and empathize and offer scads of compassion to friends, family, colleagues and yes, the grocery clerk and gas jockey too. They were completely acceptable humans regardless of their shape and size; regardless of how well they spoke; whether they blushed or got blotchy like me; whether or not they dressed well or had a degree etc. etc. It seemed to me, when I got down to looking at it, that everyone was deserving of empathy and compassion but me. Everyone deserved a break and a second chance but me. Everyone was perfect just as they were, but me. Something about that didn’t seem quite right. So, was I ready to take everyone else off their pedestal and judge them as harshly as I did myself? Or could I do the absolutely unthinkable (in my Drill Sgt.’s eyes anyway) and raise myself to an equal level with everyone else? Could I allow myself to paint myself with the same brush as that which I color everyone else? It was a pretty foreign concept I tell you. And for some months I felt as though I were doing something wrong. Sometimes I felt so strange challenging myself to judge myself as I do others that I was certain at any moment someone was going to tap me on the shoulder and say “Excuse me miss, you’re not allowed to consider yourself equal to the rest of us humans, you’re clearly still not good enough for that. Back to the drawing board you go!” Well, fortunately that never happened. Not exactly anyway. Some people in my life didn’t like it when I began to treat myself better. They didn’t like it when I didn’t defer to them and their needs and ideas so readily any more. But they were the minority and they have since either changed their tune or gone by the way side to make space for the amazing human beings that are in my life now. So, now if I blush I know it’s because I’m either a wee bit nervous or insecure. Perhaps I’m getting a bit caught up in wanting to please the other person or make a good impression. And you know what I do then? I remind myself that it’s okay to be nervous in new situations and that the only person’s approval and reassurance I really need is my own. Then I ask myself how I think I’m doing. That question alone brings me back in to myself and to the place where I always want to be coming from: my truth, my integrity. As long as I’m acting from that I know that I’m doing what’s right for me and that if anyone doesn’t like that or doesn’t get me it’s okay. I’m far stronger when I come from that core place within me than when I look outside of myself for approval. And so will you be. So, suffice it to say, the presentation I gave this weekend went great. I was a little blushy at the start mostly from excitement, but a little nervousness too. So I just reminded myself that I believe in myself and that I know my stuff. And I do, and I did. So, as you go about your week keep in mind that as long as you continue to demonstrate less regard and acceptance for yourself than you do for others, people will be prone to continue to treat you as though you are less than they are, even if they don’t consciously intend to. This only serves to reinforce your old story that you are less worthy than others. It also serves to keep your use of food to cope firmly in place. You can’t let go of that coping strategy if you’re feeling anxious and uncertain about whether you are acceptable or not. You have to know that you are acceptable to yourself and then food will simply become food. And, being acceptable to yourself isn’t about what you weigh or how you look. It’s about you demonstrating to yourself that you are a trustworthy person. That you will put yourself first and not compromise yourself to gain the approval of others. Prove to yourself that you are a person you can trust in all areas of your life and you will feel greater respect and security in yourself immediately. You’ll hear a lot less from the critical drill sgt. within and you won’t need food to cope anymore. Challenge yourself to model love and respect for yourself and the world will respond in kind.

Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating

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