This weekend was a lovely combination of solitude and company as my hubby and I went through our various routines. His involvement with the Anglican church means that I am able to have a fair bit of alone time, and we spent the rest of the time puttering or having a couple of nice drives and meals out.
He shows me he loves me in many ways, but this past week, he managed to drive a major point home.
I was bemoaning that I couldn’t find clothes to fit my 6 foot, 200 mumblemumble lb. frame and that what I did find was available in one store only and everybody else that was dealing with weight issues had the same clothes. We were in traffic in the car and I can remember that we were sitting in the left turn lane to the Blue Bridge when he turned to me and said ‘I love what’s in your head, I love your heart and I love you. I don’t see girth, I see beauty. Would you just appreciate the fact that you have what the majority of the population strives for and quit being so down on yourself?’
That was truly an ‘AHA’ moment for me.
What did he mean?
I tucked that revealing statement away in the recesses of my mind and later, when I was alone, transplanting seedlings into my balcony garden bed, I pondered it some more. I realized that while I have been focusing on the fact that I am in some kind of menopausal phase that includes my hormones going wonky, that its caused me to swell and pack on pounds like I never have experienced, in spite of the fact that I eat organic, I don’t eat processed food, I don’t exceed a reasonable amount of caloric intake a day, the constant internal beleaguering had gotten the upper hand.
My hubby brought me back to groundedness with his statement of love because he’s right. Yes, I might be temporarily out of control weightwise, but in spite of that, I have something that my weight has no bearing on. I let my self be hard on me when I am in public because I internalize the judgement that I suspect others are passing as they see me fill a doorframe with my massive form. That when I am knocking stuff off shelves with my wide hips, or can’t sit in a restaurant chair because it has arms, or when I am walking down the street, I see the way people look at me and immediately I allow myself to feel inadequate, as if I don’t measure up to some nebulous standard that I think others must be thinking.
With this latest ‘AHA’, I realize that people will think what they may when they see me and that’s their business. If they are trifling enough to be negative in their thoughts, that’s their problem because, I now realize that I have what it is they would love to have. I have a healthy, stable, supportive, generous, kind, loving mate who dotes on me and who knows how to keep my mind grounded so I can heal.
So, on Sunday, when we strolled hand in hand down the main drag in Sidney, admiring the beautiful flowers and dallying in the many bookstores there, as people looked at us, I once again thought about how blessed I am. And you know what?
My size never entered the equation.
That night, as he held me close, I told him about how much his words had affected me and he cuddled my head against his chest. ‘Silly woman!’ he teased lovingly.
So, yeah. Take that, all you judgmental types who think so loud in public when you see someone who you deem less than because of a physical abnormality. If you were to walk a mile in their moccasins you might just find out that in spite of the difference of their outsides, the insides are blessed with a loving family, a caring mate or some other factor that you would appreciate in your life.
I realized this weekend that I have so much to live for. I have grown children who love me, a hubby that is the best in the world, I have a sweet, secure home, wheels that are reliable and fun, great food in the fridge that feeds me body and soul and the greatest boss and job a woman could have. I have security, privacy, and a venue for my processing that allows me to benefit others in some small way. If my life’s concerns were a pie chart, where previously I’d put so much store on my external features, on my big behind and my roly poly tummy so that the ‘FAT’ section of the pie was a slice that contained most of the pie, now I have a huge piece of the pie that is everything but. And that tiny little skinny sliver that’s left? Well, its shrinking even smaller. The concerns I let myself subconsciously accept are falling on deaf ears now and I could care less what the world thinks.
I guess I must be progressing as I evolve with the help of the CEDRIC insights, braintools and philosophy, and with the help of my loving mate, friends and wise boss. Too many blessings to count.
Now WHAT do I have to be troubled about?
I can’t remember.
Tina Budeweit-Weeks is a member of the CEDRIC Success Team in the role of staff writer and executive assistant for Michelle Morand. Her philosophy has always been one of self-nurturance and dignity. In support of the complex difficulties clients may experience around regaining a healthy balance, Tina’s writing is designed to sympathize, support, encourage and inform. Although there are many similarities in Tina’s process, she is not a client, but a hard working, behind-the-scenes member of the team, dedicated to helping the CEDRIC Centre stay current and effective.