Ready or Not it will definitely come true, loving and caring for someone. Not so long ago I had the blissful experience of falling fully, deeply, soulfully in love with someone. It was truly unlike any experience I have had before. I had recently completed a 5 day workshop called “Opening to Heart Consciousness” and had learned many things about loving and opening my heart. The biggest learnings from that workshop were:
- How closed my heart had been; I could actually feel the walls around it, deep and solid that kept me from truly loving anyone and thus from feeling truly connected and intimate with a single soul.
- How incredibly wonderful and safe it felt to open my heart and love another being; to invite myself to truly love all beings. I felt so much more connected to everyone I came across and so much safer just crossing the street than ever before in my life.
Naturally I was drawn to want less of the walls and more of the open and safe experience. I therefore began to focus consciously on keeping my heart open and those walls down. My experience of life was so much happier and lighter. I felt so free and so safe to be in the world in a way I had never felt before.
And the amazing thing is, the world responded by sending me lots of safe and loving, healthy, mature human beings. It was like they all started popping out of the woodwork and into my life.
So, back to this man. A few months after the course, with my heart open and feeling truly light and free I met a man who was just wonderful. If I had had all of the things that I ever wanted in a partner written down on a list he had every single possible quality that I had ever hoped for, except one: He wasn’t available.
And I don’t mean that he was married, or even dating someone else, he really just wasn’t open to a deep and committed relationship.
It took me a while to cotton on because I was so full of love and so open to the experience I completely ignored/missed the signs that he was not as engaged and invested as I was. It was only a few months before things became abundantly clear and the relationship came to an end. Of course in the twilight of that fading romance I could see all of the signs and signals that had been present, pretty much since day one, that the relationship was not meant to be.
I have since read something that was written by Dr. Neil Warren, the founder of E-harmony (an on-line dating service) and author of a great book: “Falling in love for all the right reasons,” that I wish I had read before meeting this man as it would have absolutely made things crystal clear much earlier and spared me a few months of turmoil. So, I share it with you in the hopes that any of you men and women out there who are in relationships that aren’t quite feeling secure will be able to more readily determine whether it’s a piece of work that you need to do on trust and opening your heart, or whether the person responsible for the other half of the relationship just isn’t there!
Ready or Not, To Commit
The phrases that Dr. Warren suggests you be on the look out for as an indication that someone is absolutely not ready to make any sort of relationship commitment are as follows:
“I’m so confused.”
“It’s not you—it’s me.”
“I just don’t know what I want right now.”
“I love you, I don’t think I’m in love with you.”
“I’m kind of going through some changes right now.”
“I don’t know what’s the best for us right now.”
“Why do we have to get so serious? Let’s just have fun.”
Each one of those phrases is an indicator that the individual uttering them is not ready, and equally as important, not able, to commit to the relationship in any long term fashion.
Two other key indicators of someone’s readiness for connection and true availability are their level of consideration of your needs and their demonstration of gestures of love and affection.
If you have been direct in asking for a need to be met and your partner is not respecting that request that is a red flag issue. Now it’s one thing if your request is something that the other finds too challenging or outside their value system. And if that’s the case, a keeper is someone who openly tells you that: “I understand that this is an important need for you and I am just not comfortable with that particular thing but I would be willing to do ….. instead.” That’s what you need to hear in order to know that your partner is capable of hearing and honoring your requests even if he/she can’t meet them. We can’t expect our significant others’ to meet all our needs and respond affirmatively to all of our requests but we absolutely have the right to have our requests acknowledged and validated. And if our partner can’t meet them then together we brainstorm ways of getting them met.
Gestures of love and affection are different for each of us. Many of you have likely read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s a beautifully simple and clear explanation of the different ways people like to be loved and the mayhem that can ensue when you’ve got two people in a relationship with different love languages: both are doing their best to love completely and demonstrate their love and commitment and the other is feeling completely unloved and unseen because they are not being loved in the way they need to be. I invite you to visit Gary’s web site or pick up one of his books on the subject of love languages: www.fivelovelanguages.com
And, you know, even though my love experience ended rather abruptly I regret nothing about it. I learned some valuable lessons. The most significant……? It is safe to love. You will not die, the world will not come to an end if you love someone completely and they do not reciprocate. It is safe to completely open your heart to someone, even if they don’t or can’t love you back. In fact in my lived experience it is more harmful and hurtful to ourselves to restrict our love and to try and stifle our feelings of love and appreciation and respect for others. It is not only safe to love, it is imperative to a full and passionate life experience.
As don Miguel Ruiz (author of “The Four Agreements” and “The Mastery of Love”) says “Your heart is most full when you are giving love.” It is so true. It feels so good to keep my heart open and to love others. It truly feels bad to close my heart and “protect” myself from potential harm, rejection, ridicule etc. that may or may not ever come. So, I choose to keep my heart open and to love, regardless of whether I am loved back equally or even, at all. And I feel so full of love as a result.
Don Miguel Ruiz also says, “Your heart is like a magical kitchen.” He means you can manufacture, in your heart, enough love for the entire world and then some. You don’t need anyone else’s love in order to feel loved and fulfilled. And when you get to that place, even for moments a day, of feeling and knowing that you can completely meet your own needs for love, you are capable of creating a truly loving and blissful partnership with another human being.
There is so much to discuss about relationships that I can not possibly hope to cover it all here, and hopefully I have given you some things to think about and explore in your own relationship past or present.
If you would like to discuss these pieces further as they pertain to your own healing and life experience please arrange for an individual session by calling 250-383-0797 or e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have a wonderful day and may you open your heart a little more each day to yourself first and foremost.