Archive for Relationship with Self

Tips for Natural Eating: II

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Last week we talked about simply stopping to “check in,” before we ate, to determine if we were physically hungry, or if it was an emotional need we were seeking to fill.

If you did that exercise you gained great insight into any resistance you might have to being honest with yourself; how strong your belief is that you need to use food to cope; how often you eat when you’re not hungry; and perhaps even some situations that will trigger you to use food to cope that you hadn’t previously seen as triggering.

Tips for Eating All Natural

This is all great information as there is something you can do for all of those potential scenarios that will take away your need to use food to cope when they arise. It’s simply a matter of being open to seeking new ways of thinking and behaving. Often the thing that will shut you down faster than anything else to the concept of checking in is what I call “all or nothing thinking.” All or nothing (aon) thinking is a character trait of the Drill Sgt. (that critical voice in your head that tries to motivate you through criticism). All or nothing thinking leads you to buy in to a bogus, fear based story of what will happen if you are conscious in your use of food, that shuts you down before you even know you’ve had that undermining thought. For example, you might be about to eat something and think to yourself, “Hey, Michelle says I should ask if I’m really hungry or not.” This thought is immediately followed by another thought, far more subtle, that goes something like this: “But wait, if I check in about that then I won’t get to eat this thing and I really need/want it right now. I’d better not check in!” That thought triggers you to feel fearful of being conscious because you’ve just told yourself that the only possible outcome from checking in to see if you’re truly hungry is that you’ll still want the food but not be allowed to have it. Is that true? No. You could check in and realize that you’re not at all hungry and that in fact, something else was upsetting you and you were going to eat instead of deal with it. Or you could check in and discover that you’re not hungry and still allow yourself to have that food while you check in about why you’re wanting it (ie. what triggered you to want food to cope). Or you could find that you are in fact a bit hungry and that the thing you were about to eat was not a choice you’d like to make and so you have something that feels more honoring and triggers less criticism from the Drill Sgt. Or….you could find that you’re hungry and you’re truly fine and peaceful with what you were going to choose and that now, after checking in, you can really consciously enjoy that food. All of these possibilities are more likely than the original one – in fact the original fear based thought can only exist if you don’t bring it fully into your consciousness and ask yourself if it is true. As soon as you do that, it disintegrates because it is an aon thought and all aon thoughts dissolve when brought out to the light of day. More on this next week. For this week, I want to encourage you to identify 3 or 4 food items that you would enjoy eating, that are relatively non-perishable (ie. can last in your bag or car for a few days at least) that you will begin to carry with you at all times. Doing this means that you have foods you enjoy and feel comfortable eating (ie. don’t trigger the Drill Sgt.) with you any time you might begin to feel hungry. This benefits you in three key ways. First, you are exhibiting self-care by thinking ahead and this act alone increases your self- esteem which makes you less likely to harm yourself with food. Second, you are less likely to grab for foods that don’t feel like honoring choices when you’re out and about and you get hungry. And third, you are far lesslikely to binge when you next get around food if you’ve allowed yourself to take the edge off your hunger by having a snack rather than coming home, ravenous and tired because you haven’t eaten for so long and then bingeing because you’re so hungry. When you set yourself up to have honoring choices around you at all times you are doing your best to make it easy for you to choose foods you enjoy when you’re hungry and this decreases the likelihood of binging later and of choosing foods that make you feel tired, bloated or depressed (ie. anything processed or made with white sugar). Foods that I carry with me at all times are things like almonds, apples, perhaps a granola bar/protein bar, some good quality dark chocolate. The high, healthy fat content in good quality dark chocolate gives our bodies a great sense of satisfaction and also slows the release of the sugar into the blood stream – thus preventing an insulin rush and the emotional high then low, that typically comes with it. Just a few squares of good quality dark chocolate – preferably organic – will give you a great boost and tide you over if you’re almost home and don’t want to have much to eat because you’re truly eating in the next half hour or less. A few squares of dark chocolate are also great after a meal if you’re wanting something a little sweet and desserty but don’t really have room. So identify your 3 or 4 things, carry them with you in your bag, in your car, get used to having them around all the time – in your desk etc. – and to offering yourself the choice of having one of those things rather than the doughnuts in the coffee room or the muffin at the coffee shop. This is a great approach to reducing the amount you eat when you get home at the end of the day too, because, as I mentioned earlier, you’ll be less ravenous and that means you’ll have the time and energy to cook something healthy and you won’t feel the need to overeat it; that is, unless you’re using food to cope….more on that next week.

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Kindness and Compassion

Posted by on This Quote comes from the Dalai Lama and a preface he wrote for the wonderful book “The Power of Kindness” by Piero Ferrucci. “On a simple, practical level, kindness creates a sense of warmth and openness that allows us to communicate much more easily with other people. We discover that all human beings are just like us, so we are able to relate to them more easily. That generates a spirit of friendship in which there is less need to hide what we feel or what we are doing. As a result, feelings of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity are automatically dispelled, while at the same time other people find it easier to trust us, too. What is more, there is increasing evidence that cultivating positive mental states like kindness and compassion definitely leads to better psychological health and happiness.” I love this quote because it speaks so clearly to the concept of physical and emotional security being the underpinnings of self-esteem. You know I love Maslow’s Hierarchy of Basic Needs and this just reinforces the truth that if we are in relationships that don’t feel safe emotionally or physically because the other person is not consistently acting in a kind or compassionate way, we will naturally feel self-dout, fear and insecurity – ie. our needs for physical and emotional security won’t be met. This will directly undermine our self-esteem and our ability to realize our full potential in the world. However, if we engage only in relationships where we feel safe and loved and accepted as we are then we have the resources to love and accept others fully and to offer the same great love, and kindness and compassion to ourselves, thus solidly planting us in positive self- esteem and allowing us to make manifest our gift to the world. So, perhaps you could take advantage of this insight to stop and ask yourself if there are any people or situations in your life presently that undermine your sense of security: ie. You feel judged, belittled, ostracized, “not good enough”. Or you receive feedback in a tone that carries a message of contempt or shaming. Or you might have someone in your life who frequently brings up painful topics (ie. your weight!) as a means of “motivating through criticism” or of establishing their superiority. These would all be examples of situations where your emotional security needs wouldn’t be met, thus undermining your ability to feel safe and secure and also, often leading you to use harmful coping strategies like food or negative self-talk to take the focus of the painful situation with that person. So, make a list of those situations or people that trigger feelings of fear or doubt and begin to explore the possibility of either spending less time with those people or of having courageous conversations and asking for what you need in order to feel safe. You will be pleasantly surprised how often people will gladly meet your need when you tell them how to do so. Often the people in our lives are undermining our sense of security emotionally simply out of ignorance. They just don’t understand how their behaviour impacts us or is interpreted by us and, more often than not, simply clarifying that for them and letting them know what we would like, is enough to change that harmful pattern of relating. The world needs you to be the best you can be; to bring your kindest, most compassionate self to the table. You can’t do that if you have harmful relationships that undermine your self-esteem because you won’t have the emotional or physical resources to bring your best self to others. So consider it your duty to create the healthiest relationships you can with all the people in your life. You will benefit in so many ways, not the least of which is that you’ll stop using food to cope! Michelle

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Media Messages: Why Do We Keep Buying Them?

Posted by on Media advertisements on weight loss, the media takes a lot of flack for the messages they portray of the “thin ideal.” The focus placed on weight loss and appearance by the media far outweighs the air time given to the concept of health, wellness and balance. The underlying message than many of us draw from this imbalance is that, regardless of how healthy and happy you are, if you do not look like the ideal you are not acceptable. Put another way, the core message of our media is that the image you portray to the outside world is far more important than who you really are at your core or what you do in relationship with yourself or others. Consider that many of us have grown up to trust, without question, the messages put forth by the media. We have been raised to assume that the perception of the media is “right” and that their recounting of events is “the truth” and therefore we put our faith in those messages and live our lives accordingly. Now consider that most newspaper and magazine articles and many documentaries and news shows are thrown together at the last minute by journalists who have to fill air time, often know nothing about the issues they are reporting on and who are trusting a source, which they may have found in the yellow pages, or through a friend of a friend, to be providing them accurate and unbiased information. And keep in mind that a great many of the articles in your local paper that actually seem like “reporting” are actually paid for by the person being written about. Thus the article about the latest diet centre in town happens to coincide with that same centre purchasing a large block of advertising in that very paper. Now consider the marketing psychologist. There is an inherent belief in most human beings that we are not good enough. No, you are not alone in that one. Certainly it is there in all those who struggle with food and body image issues; the story that there is something in us that needs to change in order for us to be acceptable and loveable. Marketing psychologists and the media they work for have exploited this undermining belief for decades and used it to make us believe that owning their product or using their service will make us “good enough” and finally provide us with the fundamental sense of peace and security that we all believe we lack. Thus we are bombarded with messages and images that are at best, simply an attractive image that we can enjoy amidst other images, and at worst completely unrealistic (ie. airbrushing and graphic engineering of photo images) ideals that we are meant to spend our hard earned money to emulate. The frequent media message that there is “one way” to be and only “one way” simply reinforces the all or nothing thinking that is so rampant in our society. All or nothing thinking is also one of the key underpinnings of a disordered relationship with food. It sets us up to believe that there is a “right” way to look and the unspoken message is that if we don’t look that “right” way, we are wrong, bad, flawed, and just plain unacceptable. This meshes perfectly with that part of ourselves that believes deep in our core that who we are is not good enough and we often buy those media messages about “the right way” to look without even questioning them simply because they match our core belief so well that they feel like “the truth.” The media has spent millions of dollars researching human behaviour and psychology and coming up with just the right phrases and images to spur us into a buying frenzy. We’ve all had the experience of seeing food marketed on T.V. and, even though we aren’t hungry we begin craving that food or a reasonable facsimile and find ourselves eating, where before that moment we had been perfectly content. Or, likewise, we see a show about the latest top model or hot actor and begin to inspect our body to see how closely it compares. Our “not good enough” belief ensures that we will always come out on the bottom end of any such comparison and we will often conclude that something about us needs to change in order to be acceptable to society at large. As long as we believe we aren’t slim enough, attractive enough, smart enough, wealthy enough etc. we are vulnerable to the media and its promises and comparisons. That’s the power of effective marketing. It elicits a sense of need which creates a thought (“hmm, that looks good, I want that!”), which creates a feeling (desire, longing, discomfort) which leads to a behaviour (foraging in the fridge for the closest thing to the image on the screen, or perhaps hopping in the car and zooming off to the closest D.Q., or shopping mall). According to visionary psychologist Abraham Maslow, and his Hierarchy of Basic Human Needs, one of the most fundamental basic human needs is for love, acceptance and belongingness. Next only to core needs for food, air and water and a roof over our heads this need for love and acceptance will drive our every behaviour (often unconsciously) until we find a way to feel secure in our connections with others.

Media Advertisements on Weight Loss, Why Do We Keep Buying Them?

With such strong messages in the media about the importance of matching that ideal physical appearance (regardless of the methods used to achieve it) and the fundamental human need for external approval, is it any wonder that 80% of girls have already tried a diet by the time they are 10 years old? Likewise, is it any surprise that at any given time in North America 25% of women are just ending a diet; 25% are just starting; and 25% are on one!? That translates to 75% of the female population of North America constantly in some stage of the dieting cycle. And you must have heard by now the statistic that only 2% of people who lose weight on a diet actually keep it off. 2%!! Now consider that over 90% of eating disorders begin with a diet and things start to get rather scary. To summarize, we all have the same basic need for approval from others. We have also all been raised in a society where, just like Doctors, the media is considered by many to be above us and an authority on all things and therefore, to be believed without question. This same media, in whom we have put our faith, constantly bombards us with the message that there is but one right way to look and that if we fall short of that ideal our lives will be filled with sub-standard people and things and experiences. That message when coupled with our basic need for approval and belongingness leads us to compromise our health and wellness, our quality of life, and in some cases, our very lives in the pursuit of the thin ideal and the sense of love, acceptance and happiness we believe it will bring. We don’t have to look very far to find someone who was at one time their “ideal” weight and who still didn’t feel “good enough.” I see many clients in my practice who remember with anguish that very situation in their own lives. It is proof positive that our happiness does not come from what we look like or what we weigh but from how we perceive ourselves; from the beliefs we carry about ourselves. This is great cause for celebration. It means that everything you need to be truly happy and peaceful and to feel accepting of your body is within you at this very moment. While this excites me to no end, many clients groan when they hear this even though they see the truth of it. They groan because they see the number they’ve been doing on themselves all this time, and because they realize that they truly are responsible for the quality of their life and that means that no person or thing outside of them can or should do it for them. These clients now see that it is their thoughts and perception of themselves that need to change in order for them to ever be truly content. In other words, they are beginning to realize that they must learn to meet their own need for love, acceptance and belongingness. This is actually very simple. What can be difficult initially is letting go of the story that you need anyone else’s approval in order to be okay. Let it be okay to no longer buy in to the messages from the media and other people in our lives that we must look or be a certain way in order to be acceptable. Realize that “the media” are really just people like you and me who were raised in families like yours and mine, often with some dysfunction and confused messages about what is healthy and about how to gain the much needed love and approval that they sought from the key people in their lives. They too were raised in a society that focused on external image as paramount to inner values and principles and many of the media personalities and marketing psychologists themselves are caught up in the diet mentality and truly believe, regardless of the depressing statistics, that diets are the solution and that there really is an “ideal body.” I am not for a moment suggesting that the media are not responsible for their actions. I am suggesting that, just like us, they can only do the best they can with the knowledge they have at this moment. They have no more knowledge and wisdom on how to be in the world in a healthy, honoring way, than the average person. Given the number of people with harmful coping behaviours like alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders and retail therapy, the average person clearly struggles just to get through the day, let alone live in a conscious and honoring fashion. And just like us, the members of the media can only continue to do what they know until they become aware of another way. It is important for you to allow yourself to become a skeptical viewer of the media. Remember their own blind spots or unconsciousness, like each of our own, limit their capacity for perspective and open-mindedness. Also, remember that it’s a business. The media is all about selling things and often what sells is sensationalism and extremism. This means that the majority of the stories that make it to the paper or on the T.V. are going to be the most far out, the most attention grabbing, and not what is truly representative of society at large. Allow yourself to question the conclusions of the columnist or reporter. Ask yourself if the message that they are putting forth creates a sense of peace and ease within you or a sense of resistance and anxiety. A sense of peace means that the message is in alignment with your inner self. A sense of resistance and anxiety means that the message is in direct opposition to what your inner self knows to be true. Cultivate your consciousness of your feelings and allow yourself to respond first and foremost to your feelings and needs and not to the messages from anyone or anything outside of you. Lead by example. Or as the Dalai Lama (among others) said “Be the change you seek.” Have a wonderful day out there! Love Michelle

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It’s Springtime!

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There is something magical about the spring where I live.  Days get longer and the sun begins to shine more and more each day.  Flowers pop out of the ground and off the branches of trees giving the whole village the appearance of one big blossoming garden.

The snap that has been present in the air has been replaced by a freshness tinged with warmth and the promise of summer days that are perfectly long and baking.  Ahhhhhh, spring.  I love it.

At one time in my life, when I used food to cope, I used to languish over the change of the seasons: “Another year gone and I’m still at this unacceptable weight;”  “I promised myself that I would be in shape enough to feel comfortable wearing shorts this year. A bathing suit is absolutely out of the question.  How could I do this to myself? What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to stop eating!?”

It was excruciating for me to feel that warmth stealing in to the air and see the blossoms bursting forth.  It meant…..(insert scary organ music here!)  SHORT WEATHER!  I feared it. I loathed it. I loathed myself.  I began to avoid going out unless it was cool enough to keep on wearing my full armor of long pants and baggy sweater.  But at some point every year I had to give in and wear something less sweltering.  And at those points in time I always began to berate myself and to focus with razor sharp intensity on certain aspects of my body that were not as they “should be”.

And I was absolutely certain that everyone around me was zeroing in on those very same aspects and thinking exactly the same thoughts: “Who does she think she is wearing shorts in public?”  “Why did she even leave the house?” “My god, look at that cellulite!”

Agony!  It was sheer agony being in my body at that time in my life.  Year after year I would swear it would be different but it never was.  Spring would arrive, as it always did, and I would be pretty much the same degree of overweight and under-fit that I had always been.  I would feel that same self-loathing and helplessness that I had the year before – only now I felt one year more intense and hopeless.

No amount of inner Drill Sgt. pressure and criticism could create the motivation to change my relationship with food and exercise.  After a few days – usually by Tuesday! – I always reverted to my old patterns.  And at the height of my use of food to cope I was lucky if I could stick to any sort of diet for two hours (until the next coffee or lunch break).

What ultimately made all the difference for me, and what has led me now to almost 14 years of freedom from food and body image stress, was to come to a full understanding what lay beneath my use of food to cope.

Now, I mean no disrespect.  This is coming from the greatest respect and regard for you and your process, and, if you just read that and said: “I know what it is that makes me use food to cope I just can’t do anything about it,” you are lying to yourself – consciously or unconsciously, it doesn’t matter.  If you truly know and understand what it is that leads you to use food to cope you would not continue to do so.

You might “know” what it is – in the sense that you recall Mom’s diet mentality and modeling of that to you, or the abuse experience you had when you were 10, but, trust me, if you’re still using food to cope you haven’t truly come to know and understand the full impact of those events on your life.

Some part of you is still harbouring judgement, shame, fear and anger towards yourself for those events that really doesn’t belong there; it didn’t then and it doesn’t now.  And, until you come to see that fully and completely for yourself it will be impossible for you to shift out of the fear based and self-doubting mindset that leads you to use food to cope.

It is impossible to develop true respect and regard for yourself when you are constantly berating yourself for past life experiences.  And it is only through respecting and regarding yourself that you will find the strength and true desire to change your relationship with food and to begin to move your body in a way that focuses on health and wellness and not calories and fat.  Lasting change comes through self-love and compassion and that requires empathy – a true knowing and understanding of who you are and why you do what you do.

So, let it be okay to acknowledge that perhaps, while you “know” what happened to trigger you to use food to cope, you might not fully understand how that impacted you and how it continues to have ramifications on your day to day existence.

Every day is such a blessing really. Each day we are given can be lived in a state of joy and pleasure when we allow ourselves to release old painful stories and step fully into ourselves in this moment.

Spring is a time of rebirth.  You deserve to look forward to the lightness and freedom of warmer weather. So rather than letting this year be like any other and kicking in to self-judgement or some new exercise or diet plan, let yourself seek support and information; true understanding, of why you do what you do.

Begin to change those underlying patterns today so that next year, instead of lamenting about what you didn’t do, you’ll be able to celebrate the change that you have made and know it is a lasting one.

Love Michelle

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Core Beliefs

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By Michelle Morand

The entire concept of a relationship with yourself hinges on what you believe about your own worth and acceptability. If you are still buying in to the old story you learned as a child/young adult that you are: (a) undeserving of love; (b) unacceptable as you are; or (c) unsafe in the world, you will have a difficult time trying anything new which goes against that deeply-ingrained story. Thus, while you may truly desire to change your relationship with food and to feel better about yourself, the underlying belief that you carry will continuously undermine your efforts and ultimately bring you to a place of paralysis and procrastination. This only reinforces the old belief and leads you to feel more stuck and hopeless. You may question why you are bothering to try to change when you have never been successful and always return to the same old behaviour. You may also feel as though you should give up. This is not uncommon, but it is important for you to see it as the old all-or-nothing thinking that it is.

I believe that you won’t stay in this defeated and doomed place for long, because something in you wants more. You want a life that is yours to live; one that inspires and fulfills you. And this desire motivates you to try again. Unfortunately, what you have been trying and re-trying is not likely to work. The restriction of the Diet Mentality and the “motivation through criticism” of the Drill Sgt.(that critical voice in your head) only serve to reinforce your old defeating beliefs. The simple act of tuning out to your body and listening to what someone or something outside of you says you should do is a gesture of disrespect and a true indignity to yourself.

As a child and/or young adult, you may have had to focus more outside yourself than within in order to survive in your family of origin or in other certain circles. You may have had to tune out to your authentic needs and feelings in order to remain in an uncomfortable situation, without being aware of how uncomfortable you were. As an adult, you are capable of creating relationships which support you to be the best that you can be. But as long as you are buying in to the old story about your worth and deservedness, you will continue to create relationships and life situations which mirror this old harmful perspective of yourself.

Let’s take a good solid look at that old story of yours and what you are still telling yourself about your role in the situation. First, let’s explore the old core beliefs that are influencing you on a daily basis.

1. What does your Drill Sgt. say about you when you are being self-critical?

2. What names does the Drill Sgt. call you when you are angry and frustrated?

3. What were the words people in your life used to describe you when they were angry or disappointed in you?

4. What messages about yourself did you receive from your parents, other family members, and/or peers (these can be verbal and non-verbal)?

Consider the above information. If you could capture the essence of your doubts about yourself in a single sentence: I am _______________________,

what would it be? You may actually come up with a few sentences. Some common and very debilitating old beliefs which you may be carrying are: I am ugly; I am fat; I am stupid; I am worthless; I am undeserving; I am not good enough; I am not enough; I am unacceptable; I am unlovable; I am a burden.

Food Obsession and Your Beliefs Towards Changing

Allow yourself to be completely honest right now about what you truly believe at your core. Those old beliefs are only a child’s confused interpretation of the events going on around them. They were not true then, and they aren’t true now, regardless of how much evidence you could show me to the contrary. We will prove this together in a few minutes. Now think about your earliest recollection when you thought and felt this way about yourself. What was going on? Who was it that gave you this message verbally or non-verbally? What do you now know, as an adult, about the situation which you couldn’t have known, imagined, or understood as a child? What was going on for them? Have you since witnessed this person behaving similarly toward someone else, perhaps even toward themselves? If you find yourself feeling resistant to this exercise and to really looking at those old situations from a new perspective, take the time to ask yourself, “What do I think will happen if I allow myself to let that old story go? What benefit do I get from holding on to my old interpretation?” Sometimes we resist seeing things in a new or different light, despite much supporting evidence, because we fear that we must say that those events didn’t impact or harm us if we let go of our story. Trust me, this is not so. You were clearly impacted by those events or you wouldn’t have had to implement the coping strategies of food, co-dependency, anxiety and making it about you. No one here is disputing that you were impacted. What I’m saying is that, instead of being impacted once for each incident, which is traumatic enough, the old core beliefs which you carry only serve to re-injure you daily. You don’t deserve this and it doesn’t benefit you in any way. It is my intention to support you to stop.

This is an excerpt from the chapter on Core Beliefs in the new book: Food Is Not the Problem: Deal With What Is. To order the book, please go to: http://www.cedriccentre.com/books.htm

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Wanting vs. Having

Posted by on Satisfied with what you have? I’ve been thinking about this lately…how often I notice myself in a state of ‘wanting’. If you are satisfied with what you have or still lacking more and wanting approval, wanting security, wanting closure, wanting to know or understand, wanting, wanting…

As I’ve become more aware of this habit or tendancy, which seems to me to be a very conditioned human pre-occupation – I’ve also become aware of the subtle shift in experience that’s available in the invitation to ‘Have’ instead of ‘want’.

Could I let go of ‘wanting’ right now?

Could I allow myself to experience ‘Having’ right now?

This is a palpable redirection of energy and attention, and has proven to be quite helpful.

It’s a gentle reminder to the nervous system that has been trained to focus on ‘lack’ and ‘less than’, on what is perceived to be missing in one’s environment or experience.

The joy of the realization that as ‘real’ as that sense of lack or ‘not possessing’ can appear – equally as available is a sense of calm, satisfaction and ‘enoughness’.

There is a wonderful spiritual teacher named Adyashanti and I recently watched a video of his aptly named ‘The Gift of Wanting’. He believes that the experience of wanting is actually a gift, and serves only to draw our attention to that which we already possess in abundance, but have forgotten or over-looked.

He maintains that we have been taught from a early age that we ‘want’ because we lack, and that through the attainment of what we lack, we will find fulfillment.

However, anyone who’s ever achieved or acquired anything can tell you that the sense of ‘fullness’ (or satisfaction) that seems to accompany the reaching of the goal, is often quickly replaced by a renewed sense of wanting. Perhaps the wanting has shifted to a new person, object or experience, but it’s the same sensation.

Satisfied With What You have, Wanting vs. Having

Adyashanti suggests that it is not the attainment of the ‘desired object or experience’ that fulfills us. Rather, it is the inherent ‘fullness’ that is

present within us always that is typically covered over by a glaze of ‘want’. This fullness can only be deeply experienced when we cease our practise of ‘wanting’.

So, the next time you find yourself ‘wanting’…be it security, attention, approval, control, to be understood, or some material or relationship

‘want’, I invite you to check it out. ‘What do I believe getting this thing (insert ‘want’) will bring me?’ and follow that question to it’s core. The answer could be: ‘I will feel more peaceful’. or, ‘I will feel safe’. or, ‘I will feel ‘HERE’, eternal and present’…or any other number of desired states.

Then ask: Is it true that I actually lack in these ways, or could this wanting simply be a pointer to what, at the core, I possess in abundance? Is this desired state actually lacking in me, or have I been to busy ‘wanting’ to notice that it’s there?

Try it for yourself and see.

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All or Nothing Thinking

Posted by on by Michelle Morand

A number of unrelated events in my life this week prompted me to get thinking on the theme of all or nothing thinking.  It also got me thinking on what would be the simplest way to support my clients to shift out of their old, deeply ingrained, all or nothing thought habits and into a more open, expansive and peaceful state of being and thinking.

So, here’s what I came up with:

In a nutshell, if you’re not feeling compassion for yourself and the others that you’re interacting with in that moment (whether in your mind or in reality), you’re in all or nothing thinking. It’s that simple.

You may want to read that last statement a few times to make sure it sinks in.  Then read on.

You can test this theory for yourself over the next few days any time you notice that you’re feeling anything other than peaceful.

Whenever you notice you’re feeling anxious or unsettled; judgemental of yourself or others; blaming; resentful; impatient; etc., or using your food coping strategy (which is a clear indicator that you’re overwhelmed) simply stop and ask yourself:

“What am I telling myself about this situation or person that is creating this distress?”

Then stop and think, really think, about what you just told yourself.  Is it true?  Are you certain?

You will always identify that you have just been telling yourself an all or nothing story.

It could be that you’re telling yourself that something has to be done a certain way or by a certain time.  It could be that you’re telling yourself that someone should be doing something in a different way or conversely that they should not be doing something that they are doing.  And this story that you’re telling yourself could be about the past, the present or the future.  You could be engaged in telling yourself that something about the past should be different or that something about the future should not be as you imagine it will.  Either way, you’re in all or nothing thinking.

That may be hard to swallow. At first glance these stories may not seem like all or nothing thinking, they seem like absolute truths. Of course they do.  That’s the problem. You believe they are true and so you don’t even question whether the story you’re telling yourself might actually be the old all or nothing thinking.

The good news is that if you are at all open to the possibility that I might be right you can prove it to yourself very quickly.

First, consider for a moment what it means to be compassionate.  It means you are open; accepting; loving; understanding; strong; clear; direct; and peaceful.  In order to really live compassion you must have a solid and strong core of love, trust and respect for yourself.  In other words you have to have great self-esteem. You have to be solid enough in yourself that you don’t need things outside yourself to be a certain way in order for you to be grounded and happy.  Then you can be truly compassionate.

Conversely, if you’re in the all or nothing thinking pattern it implies that you are conditionally loving; rigid; fearful; and anxious.  It also means that in some areas you’re still seeking to meet your needs for security and for acceptance through people or situations outside of yourself. This is inherently dangerous and doomed to fail. You are dependent on the moods and behaviours of others, many of whom will be also looking for their security and approval through others.

If your compassion for someone or some situation falls apart as soon as they don’t comply, or things don’t happen the way you expect or want, you can bet you got sucked in to all or nothing thinking and telling yourself a story that things should be a certain way. That’s not compassion that’s conditional acceptance.  It will only lead to more anxiety and more use of food to cope (or whatever your primary coping strategy is).

If you really want to expose and shift this harmful pattern of thinking, and live more peacefully, commit to writing down your thoughts when you feel anxious or distressed. Try it at least once a day for the next week.  Seeing these thoughts on paper makes it so obvious that you’re in all or nothing and what you need to do to shift into a more peaceful, compassionate way of thinking.

And if you’re resistant to writing these thoughts out check to see if there is any all or nothing thinking in your resistance: EG. “I know that this is true, it’s not all or nothing, so I’m not going to write this one down.”  Or “I don’t want anyone to read my writing to I can’t write it down.” Or “I don’t have time.”

These are all all or nothing statements.

If you need a prompt once you’ve got your current thought down and are having a hard time seeing the all or nothing in it try this:

“What am I telling myself is absolutely going to happen?”  or “What am I telling myself should be a certain way right now?”

Then ask yourself: “What are some other possibilities?”  “Could I allow for the possibility that one of those scenarios is equally as likely as the first one?”

Inevitably you’ll be able to come up with a few other potential explanations or outcomes that feel more relaxed and open (compassionate).  Notice whether you reject those in favour of the old all or nothing story.  Notice if you would rather be anxious and distressed in your old story than open and peaceful in a new and unfamiliar one.

So, if this resonates with you and you want to do a piece of work on your old thought patterns, paste this statment on your fridge:

If I’m not peaceful I’m in all or nothing thinking.

And then prove it to yourself.

Posted in: Relationship with Others, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating

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Self-Forgiveness

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By Beth Burton-Krahn

A huge component of recovery is about living in a state of self forgiveness.  When we really think about it, there is no greater salve for a wounded heart than forgiving ourselves.  So many of us have tried so hard to be the perfect wife, or mother, or daughter or friend or employee.  We’ve worked our fingers to the bone trying to make up for something, some deficit somewhere, that we are convinced we are somehow responsible for fixing.  It might be our parents’ unhappy marriage, thinking somehow there unhappiness was our fault.  Or it might be thinking we are responsible for so much of our childrens’ lives’ that we turn our-self inside out trying to keep their world perfect, or safe.  Or trying to give them the life we never had.

As life moves along, it is like we collect a thousand little hits daily to our sense of feeling at home within ourselves. The phone call we didn’t return, the surge of anger at a messy house, the feeling of being somehow not quite up to the task of living life in some perfect way.  And sure enough, just when we get it “all together”, life does its’ own thing; the car breaks down, or the basement floods, or a good friend gets cancer, or our child gets ill.  And we are once again thrust into that state of thinking we just haven’t tried hard enough.

Well, I have news for you, you have tried hard enough, more than hard enough.  The task now, is to heal your heart by practicing self-forgiveness.  By this point in the journey, we are “all in our head”, thinking, planning and plotting to figure out how to get life nailed down.  The mind is sharp and brittle, towards our-self, and others. When we are in the head so much, we feel anxious and speedy, like we don’t know how to rest, or stop, or even breathe.

Self Forgiveness is a Healing Process

Self forgiveness is cultivated by moving into the heart.  It involves stopping long enough to notice just how exiled from ourself we have become.  Then, we can visualize our heart and all the healing contained within it.  As a dear friend once said, “The mind creates the abyss, the heart heals it”.  This is so true.  When we move into our heart center, time seems to slow down, we are more present and stable.  The heart calms us and is the container for everything; our wounds, our judgements, our sorrows, our self-hatred.  If we tune into the heart and find it stone cold and brittle, we acknowledge that, and we send well wishes to our heart, that it might thaw, that it might trust life again.  To be in a state of self-exile is the greatest pain there is.

Another friend works with a beautiful image of an older version of herself comforting herself at the age she is now.  Just an older, wiser version of herself letting the self she is now know that it is ok, that she is doing great, that life is hard sometimes, and that there isn’t an owner’s manual! Sending these words of forgiveness to ourself is deeply healing.  Because life is so unpredictable, and because so much of it is outside of our control, self-forgiveness isn’t a nice idea, it is an absolute necessity.  May we all grow in self-forgiveness.

Posted in: Relationship with Self

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The Process of Lasting Change

Posted by on Overcoming Food Obsession Repeated patterns are a window to your needs. For every pattern you repeat, for example: overeating, purging, or restriction, there is a need which is being met within you. Your inability to change the undesirable pattern has nothing to do with lack of willpower or discipline. The pattern is merely a symptom of a deeper problem. If you direct your efforts only at attempting to eliminate the symptom without putting effort into understanding and dissolving its cause, you are setting yourself up for a very fatiguing and defeating battle. Awareness is the first step in changing any behaviour. You must first become aware that you are doing something which is detrimental to your values and life plan. Resistance is often your immediate reaction to becoming aware of what you are doing and why. This makes perfect sense. You have lived your life with a certain set of behaviours and beliefs. Given this, change, even if desired on some level, often feels less like innovation and more like annihilation of your entire existence as you know it. You wonder what will be left of you, your relationships and the life you know, when you have made the changes necessary to free yourself of this debilitating behaviour. This really means: when you are fully aware of the underlying need that led you to execute this behaviour, will you still choose the people and things you have chosen thus far? From this perspective, change can look very scary and the outcome very lonely. This is why so many of us have to hit our own personal “rock bottom” before we are ready to challenge old, harmful patterns of thoughts and behaviours. You must reach a place where you say, “I don’t care what the outcome is. Just make it stop!” And yet, questioning what life will look like when you are “done” is a wise and significant thing to do. It implies that you know you can change, and on some level you know that your current behaviour is providing you with a way of remaining in an uncomfortable situation without having to fully feel the discomfort being generated. In other words, you know you are numbing yourself to certain aspects of your life, and, because you have chosen this approach to problems for so many years, it is a little scary to imagine being fully present and aware. You are saying that you want your life to be different but are fearful of how this change might appear. This sounds reasonable, from the perspective of the person who has yet to experience the benefits of the change and can only imagine the void which will remain by the removal of the old behaviour. Until you have experienced the pleasure and freedom that is created by letting go of the old pattern, you are naturally going to have some discomfort and doubt about the change.

It is human nature to seek familiarity and feel comforted by it. Often, even when the familiar behaviour is harmful to your essence and prevents you from fulfilling your dreams, you will cling to it because of the comfort provided by the familiar. This very tendency in all humans is why lasting change must happen gradually and this is where overcoming food obsession starts to kick in. When you demand immediate and complete change, you deny yourself time to learn the lessons that the problem or situation you have created is meant to teach. And you certainly don’t have a solid base or foundation in place to feel secure as you move into unfamiliar territory. This means you are likely to flounder and find yourself returning to your old familiar behaviour when things get a little challenging. This can leave you feeling defeated and hopeless.

Just think of any diet or “nutritional plan” you have tried. You no doubt discovered that your attempts to heal your relationship with food and body-image focus, prior to understanding the cause, set you up to have short-term success. Your success could last only for as long as you did not require those coping strategies, that is, as long as nothing in day-to-day life upset your apple cart! This is why, at the pinnacle of our Diet Mentality, many of us can stick to a diet or some form of restrictive behaviour for only about 12 hours! Max! You can be “good” during the day when you are busy, out and about or in front of others, but when you get home, or the chores of the day are mostly attended to, you decompress with food and the whole cycle repeats itself. If the underlying trigger that leads you to use food to cope is unattended, you will be in trouble when something happens that you hadn’t planned for, or didn’t happen the way you had hoped. The feelings and unmet needs, which naturally and appropriately get triggered in those life situations, currently drive you to restrict, binge or purge to cope.

To be successful in changing an old coping strategy, you must have the confidence of knowing that a nurturing force is standing by, ready to catch you when you start to naturally default into those old patterns. And this force must be predominantly found within. Building a solid, nurturing, supportive and understanding relationship with yourself can take some time?as it would with others; however, you will begin to see the benefits of this stronger and more supportive internal relationship immediately, in your awareness of what you are thinking, feeling and needing in that moment and in your ability to respond to those thoughts, feelings and needs respectfully and appropriately.

With a greater sense of trust, security and awareness of yourself rather than the impatience your Drill Sgt. was throwing your way, you will feel a sense of relief which allows you to relax and trust yourself to make life-enhancing and dignified choices around food, yourself and others.

And know this as well: you own this process of change. It does not own you. You can take it as fast or as slow as you like and as you have time and space for. You can look at as much “stuff” and be as aware as you want at any given time, and you can make as many changes as you wish; furthermore, you can return to your previous comforting behaviour whenever you feel the need for the old numbing peace that it brings. Soon, you will naturally find that the old, comfortable coping behaviour no longer fits. It just doesn’t feel right any more. It is not who or where you want to be, nor will you really feel the need to find “security” this way. You will naturally choose not to use it, opting to engage in thoughts, feelings, and behaviours which you have had some practice with and that are coming to feel so much more respectful and natural?so much more “right” – on a gut level than that old coping strategy ever did or ever could. You have found yourself. You have found peace.

Michelle Morand

Posted in: CEDRIC Centre, Relationship with Self, Tips for Natural Eating

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Sharing on insecurity

Posted by on Diet Mentality and Insecurity – I attended the Victoria health and wellness show this weekend. I also gave a presentation at the show on Sunday to a room of 130 people. It was a blast, I so enjoyed the whole experience. And, you know, presenting for me used to be such a scary thing. Early in my recovery, when I was still quite full of the diet mentality and my old core beliefs, I really wanted to speak publicly. Part of me enjoyed it so much but I was so preoccupied with my own bad body thoughts and self-judgement that all I could think about was how fat I must look or how stupid I must sound. These thoughts would understandably undermine the quality of my presentation and I would come away feeling awful. Inevitably when I asked for feedback sheets there would be 30 awesome ones and, yes, of course, one nasty one. There was always one piece of feedback that just stuck a knife in that weak and vulnerable part of me. Someone who thought I spoke badly or looked awkward or just spent too much time on something etc. etc. Now, no one ever said: “You’re too fat lady, get off the podium!” Or “You don’t have a clue what you’re saying I should have stayed home!” But at that stage in my recovery I was so sensitive to everything and anything that if you didn’t say I was God’s gift to public speaking I was a shambles I was also buying in to the old story that everyone thought that I had done a poor job it’s just that only one person had the courage to say so! I harmed myself frequently with that old story in which I undermined all of the positive feedback and reassurance I had received to instead focus on the one person who didn’t like my message, my delivery, or perhaps me.

Diet Mentality and Insecurity, Sharing Helps!

A big part of my recovery process became focused on shifting that old way of thinking that felt so true and natural for me. It was an old pattern that came from my father. He was such a strong presence and usually so very critical and contemptuous that I came to judge myself as he judged me. Therefore, as a child, when dad approved of something in me it must be good. However, if my mom said it was good and my dad didn’t, then it was bad. Or if the entire school body thought I had done well on something but my dad didn’t acknowledge it or chose instead to focus on the thing I didn’t do right, well, none of the positive feedback counted. It wasn’t long before I had internalized my father and a part of me turned in to my own personal abuser. Enter the Drill Sgt. “Perfection and nothing less” was his motto. Now add to that old “every one has to like me” story, the following ingredients:
  1. I have to be completely perfect in all ways
  2. Any negative comment I get, even if it’s only one, is really what everyone’s thinking
  3. Until I no longer get any constructive feedback or outright criticism in any way I will be completely “unperfect” and therefore, undeserving of love and compassion.
  4. and the worst thing of all! That I blush uncontrollably when I’m nervous or uncertain in myself.
And you have a completely red, blotchy, nervous, insecure, people pleaser who will compromise herself in an instant if she thinks that you might like her more for it. Well that was me! And it wasn’t until I began to ask myself about the double standard I was holding in life that things began to shift and life became a safe and joyful experience. On one side of that double standard I was awful and imperfect no matter what anyone said and any positive comment was to be immediately discarded as someone “just being nice.” Any negative comment was immediately taken as some great truth and insight into the core of my being and I put all my energy into immediately cleansing myself of that terrible trait or behaviour so as to never again feel the pain of that judgement. On the other side I always saw the best in others. I was willing to forgive and empathize and offer scads of compassion to friends, family, colleagues and yes, the grocery clerk and gas jockey too. They were completely acceptable humans regardless of their shape and size; regardless of how well they spoke; whether they blushed or got blotchy like me; whether or not they dressed well or had a degree etc. etc. It seemed to me, when I got down to looking at it, that everyone was deserving of empathy and compassion but me. Everyone deserved a break and a second chance but me. Everyone was perfect just as they were, but me. Something about that didn’t seem quite right. So, was I ready to take everyone else off their pedestal and judge them as harshly as I did myself? Or could I do the absolutely unthinkable (in my Drill Sgt.’s eyes anyway) and raise myself to an equal level with everyone else? Could I allow myself to paint myself with the same brush as that which I color everyone else? It was a pretty foreign concept I tell you. And for some months I felt as though I were doing something wrong. Sometimes I felt so strange challenging myself to judge myself as I do others that I was certain at any moment someone was going to tap me on the shoulder and say “Excuse me miss, you’re not allowed to consider yourself equal to the rest of us humans, you’re clearly still not good enough for that. Back to the drawing board you go!” Well, fortunately that never happened. Not exactly anyway. Some people in my life didn’t like it when I began to treat myself better. They didn’t like it when I didn’t defer to them and their needs and ideas so readily any more. But they were the minority and they have since either changed their tune or gone by the way side to make space for the amazing human beings that are in my life now. So, now if I blush I know it’s because I’m either a wee bit nervous or insecure. Perhaps I’m getting a bit caught up in wanting to please the other person or make a good impression. And you know what I do then? I remind myself that it’s okay to be nervous in new situations and that the only person’s approval and reassurance I really need is my own. Then I ask myself how I think I’m doing. That question alone brings me back in to myself and to the place where I always want to be coming from: my truth, my integrity. As long as I’m acting from that I know that I’m doing what’s right for me and that if anyone doesn’t like that or doesn’t get me it’s okay. I’m far stronger when I come from that core place within me than when I look outside of myself for approval. And so will you be. So, suffice it to say, the presentation I gave this weekend went great. I was a little blushy at the start mostly from excitement, but a little nervousness too. So I just reminded myself that I believe in myself and that I know my stuff. And I do, and I did. So, as you go about your week keep in mind that as long as you continue to demonstrate less regard and acceptance for yourself than you do for others, people will be prone to continue to treat you as though you are less than they are, even if they don’t consciously intend to. This only serves to reinforce your old story that you are less worthy than others. It also serves to keep your use of food to cope firmly in place. You can’t let go of that coping strategy if you’re feeling anxious and uncertain about whether you are acceptable or not. You have to know that you are acceptable to yourself and then food will simply become food. And, being acceptable to yourself isn’t about what you weigh or how you look. It’s about you demonstrating to yourself that you are a trustworthy person. That you will put yourself first and not compromise yourself to gain the approval of others. Prove to yourself that you are a person you can trust in all areas of your life and you will feel greater respect and security in yourself immediately. You’ll hear a lot less from the critical drill sgt. within and you won’t need food to cope anymore. Challenge yourself to model love and respect for yourself and the world will respond in kind.

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