Why Do I Do This to My Self?

Signs of Eating Disorders. When we think about someone having an eating disorder we often experience feelings of disbelief and pity. We imagine the 80 Pound waif starving herself to death in pursuit of the perfect figure, and think how sad it is that she can’t see how small she has become, and that she has lost sight of her inner beauty, and worth. What we rarely envision is the man or woman who is overweight and engaging in compulsive eating. “That person doesn’t have an eating disorder,” we say, “They just need to try dieting/lose some weight/exercise some willpower.” Well, I’m here to tell you that the overweight person often has just as much of an obsession with weight loss and body image as the underweight one. What we need to understand is that compulsive eating is not about a lack of willpower. It is not about being lazy or unconcerned with one’s own well being. It is about a person who turns to food to fulfill their need for comfort and nurturing. Now, having said that I must clarify that everyone who is at a high or low weight according to society’s standards, is not necessarily suffering from an eating disorder. There is a lot of physical diversity out there, and bodies come in all shapes and sizes. But one of the side effects of eating compulsively is often weight gain, if you are eating when you’re not hungry and or unable to stop when you’re full, whatever your size, you are engaging in compulsive eating. Though Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and Compulsive Eating may seem like radical opposites on the scale of eating disorders, the truth is they are brought about by the same need. The need for love, the need for acceptance and the need to feel secure in who they are and their importance in the world is what drives one to disordered eating in the first place. Whether we choose to restrict our food intake, exercise obsessively, overeat and then purge with laxatives, vomiting or exercise, or just overeat and eat and eat and eat; whatever our preferred method of being around food we are all just trying to fill the need for comfort and nurturing. I can no longer count the times I have heard the Compulsive Overeater say, “I wish I could just throw up” or the Bulimic say, “I wish I had never started throwing up, now I can’t stop myself’ or the Anorexic say, “I wish I wasn’t so afraid of food – of being fat.” Each in their pain and suffering presumes the grass is greener on the other side of disordered eating. The truth is, each is equally painful and equally consuming. How much pleasure can a person get from life when they are constantly obsessing about how they look, what people are thinking, what they have/haven’t eaten today and what they will or wont eat tomorrow. Decisions about whether to attend a function, go for a walk, have lunch out or even to call a friend are made based on how the person with an eating disorder feels about their body that day. They label foods as good or bad and then label themselves as good or bad for wanting those foods. They presume that every bite of food taken in front of others is being scrutinized and that people are thinking, “ooh, look at her, she shouldn’t be eating that, no wonder she is so FAT.” What we need to remember is that we are the one’s with the obsession with food. We are the one’s who think we are so incredibly fat and unappealing. Have you ever gotten dressed in the morning and been feeling okay, maybe even good, about what you were wearing and how you looked only to find that by lunchtime you can’t wait to get home and change because you feel so fat and so conspicuous? If so, ask yourself, “What changed about my body between 8:00 am and noon ?” Nothing changed except your perception of yourself. If you have had an experience like this you suffer from distorted body image. This distortion goes hand in hand with disordered eating, but can exist without an eating disorder. Having a distorted body image, whatever your true size, causes us to see everything that happens to/around us as being related to our bodies. Whatever happened, it’s because I’m too fat, too big, too ugly, too much. This is what we call a defense mechanism. Having something to blame for everything allows us to avoid dealing with the real issues in our lives. We get to remain in an uncomfortable situation such as an unfulfilling job or unsatisfying marriage without having to be fully aware of how unhappy we are. As long as we are focussing on our bodies and as long as our bodies are taking the blame for everything we don’t have to risk change. A lot of us are afraid to ask for what we want, many of us don’t even know what that is. We were given the impression early on that our needs don’t count, that we don’t matter as much as others. That’s just not true. Everyone is equally as important as the next person – not more, not less. But for many people with eating disorders the feeling is that they are worth less. So, if they don’t want to risk complete rejection and abandonment they had better not ask for anything, better not offer an opposing opinion and better not expect anything from anyone because inevitably they will be let down. This means that the person with an eating disorder believes that if they are not always giving, kind and thinking of others first they will lose the love and respect of the people that are important to them. The truth is that people with eating disorders often feel isolated and that there is no one who really knows and understands them. And because they are such pushovers they often become associated with people who only know how to take. This brings us back to the need for love, comfort and nurturing. If it is not being met in our relationships with others we are going to fill this need somewhere. For those of us with eating disorders, that place is food. You may have already identified strongly with the things we have discussed so far and be wondering if you or someone you know may have an eating disorder or be heading in that direction. The following is a checklist of behaviours and signs for each of the three major eating disorders. If you feel that you have some or all of these behaviours you may wish to speak to a counsellor who understands these issues and find out what you can do to leave distorted body image and disordered eating behind for good. If you eat compulsively you likely: Eat when you are not hungry; Feel controlled by food; Eat sensibly in public and then make up for it when alone; Feel excited thinking about times alone with food; Hide the “evidence” of binges; Find that eating makes you feel better but that afterwards you feel guilty and depressed; Eat to escape worry or trouble. If you are Anorexic you will likely: Have extreme weight loss due to reduced food intake; Feel fat despite increasing thinness; Have obsessive behaviour with food, dieting and with exercise; May have chronic fatigue; Frequently feel cold; May have stopped menstruating. If you are Bulimic you will likely; Have recurring episodes of binge eating with out of control feelings during the binges; Have self-induced purging using laxatives, vomiting or excessive exercising; Have frequent weight fluctuations; Diet and then binge and purge in a continuous cycle; Be extremely secretive about your bingeing and purging behaviour. For all those with disordered eating there are feelings of guilt, shame, futility, worthlessness, disgust, low self-esteem, perfectionism, a strong need for control of people and situations and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. If any of the above behaviours sound like you, or someone you know, remember that although it is scary to admit you have an eating disorder it is also very freeing to be able to identify that there is a very good reason for the things you do around food. Furthermore, there is every reason to expect and to hope that you will be able to overcome these behaviours and lead a life that is f ree from food and weight obsession. If nothing else, please recognize that you are really only looking for love and nurturing when you are using food compulsively or restricting your food intake. The best and most consistent place for you to get that love and support is from yourself. Focussing your efforts on building a strong, trusting relationship with yourself is the best use of your time and energy without a doubt. Once you have trust in yourself and in your worth as a person all those feelings of shame, guilt, perfectionism and the need to control (to name a few) will disappear. I assure you. If you would like to read some books on this subject I recommend:
  • When women stop hating their bodies; by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter
  • Food for Love; by Janet Greeson
  • If life is a game, these are the rules; by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D
Michelle Morand is the Founder and Director of The CEDRIC Centre in Victoria , B.C. The CEDRIC Centre offers group and individual support for eating disorders and related issues at their Victoria location and also provides one-on-one counselling to those living elsewhere in Canada and in the U.S. over the phone or via e-mail.  

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Pro-anorexia and Pro-bulimia

What is Pro-Anorexia Anyway?

Pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia websites are predominantly designed and used by young women in their teens. The sites combine personal stories, poetry, bulletin boards, and tips dedicated to sharing experiences around anorexia and bulimia. And while the websites do provide support, the nature of the support revolves around enabling it’s users to remain eating disordered. (more…)

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Michelle Morand’s Recovery from Compulsive Eating

My wish has always been create a sense of community among Compulsive Eaters and those who feel they are low on self-esteem, who would like to come out of their shells, and begin to live life fully. To that end I would like to begin by sharing something of my experience on how to recover from compulsive eating. I believe Compulsive Eating can be overcome and left behind for good. I am living proof of this philosophy. A Compulsive Eater for many years I finally gave up on dieting and obsessive exercise and started instead to believe in me. The nagging feelings of anxiety and doubt that had plagued me for over a decade had kept me stuck in fear and denial. Not because of the feelings themselves but because of the debilitating message I had taught myself: that I was weak, unimportant and could never successfully take care of myself. Therefore, when I felt overwhelmed I never even tried to solve the problem at hand. I already believed that I would fail. Rather, I frantically squashed that negative or scary feeling with food. This behaviour allowed me to comfort and nurture myself on one hand yes, but ultimately I was only digging a deeper and deeper pit of despair. I never solved the real problem with food so it still sat there waiting to be resolved. I had added to that unpleasant feeling, the terrible experience of all the negative thoughts I then felt about my body and myself for being so “weak” and unable to resist food once more.

How to Recover from Compulsive Eating

The solution was easier in many ways than any diet I had ever tried and perhaps the most difficult yet exhilarating experience of my life. The experience of self-discovery awaited me. I needed to explore where I learned and bought the idea that I was incapable of successfully navigating life’s pitfalls on my own. Where had I come to believe that I was undeserving of everything? That my needs were worth less than those of others. I needed to expose the falsehood of those beliefs. I needed to explore the truth about who I was and what I was capable of. In so doing I found a sense of myself that I had lost long ago and a confidence I I had never known before. I found the strength to face my feelings – the good and the scary – as they arose. I was amazed to discover that food had lost its power. My perceived lack of control had really only been a cry for comfort and love and now that I was capable of giving that to myself I no longer needed the food to get me through. Food became just one of those things that I did as part of a daily routine to sustain life, not my whole existence. I could now go out to a restaurant and order anything I wanted without worrying about fat or calorie content, what others might think or how undeserving I was. I also began to notice how many people around me were focused on their weight or on their latest attempt to lose it. The conversations at work and among my friends always seemed to end up being about food, weight loss and negative body talk. I felt anxious at first. Who was I to think that I could go about my life without obsessing about food and weight? Was I copping out thinking of myself as a Compulsive Eater and not merely someone lacking in willpower? As these thoughts arose I felt increasingly stressed and saddened at the thought of returning to a life of obsession with food and hating my body, my self. When I thought of the freedom and good feelings I had experienced by letting go of diets – scary yes but exhilarating – there was no way I was going back! Now, over a decade later, I am still enjoying the thrill of self-confidence and positive regard for my body. The extra weight I had been carrying all those years ago gradually fell away and for many years now I have been content and comfortable in my body. If my story sounds like your own or that of someone you know and care about, read on and discover what others have to say about their Compulsive Eating experience and what you can do to get help. Until next time, take good care of yourself. M.  

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The Power of Doing Nothing: How to Accept the Unacceptable

By Alison M.
 
I am a perfectionist, which means that I find it impossible to accept people and situations that are less than perfect. And why should I? If I work harder, try harder, figure it out, and expect the best, I’ll be perfect in no time.

This is the attitude that brought me to my knees three years ago and gave me the willingness to change my behaviours around food. I was a perfectionist with my food, counting calories and weighing myself obsessively. I was always on a diet, trying to get the food and weight "thing" right. If I worked out more, if I restricted more, if I ate less meat, if I drank less water, then surely I would get the magic formula, and lose the twenty pounds I was dying to lose. Then, I would be perfect, and life would be great. Unfortunately, I used up huge amounts of energy trying to be perfect and ended up bingeing because I couldn’t sustain my "perfection program." I needed to escape from that incredible pressure. Of course, the bingeing forced me to control my behaviours even more stringently, which, in the end, lead to more bingeing. It was a cycle of trying to be perfect and then trying to escape the pressure of trying to be perfect, and it lead me to uncontrollable eating and a deep depression full of self-hatred, despair, and negative thinking.

It wasn’t until I accepted the weight I was at and gave up trying to control my food that the obsession was lifted and the weight came off. This experience has proven to me the power of acceptance: nothing changes until I accept I cannot change it. Then, and only then, can I begin to grow.

The only solution that has helped me deal with my obsessive thinking and perfectionism is acceptance. For me, acceptance feels like poison because it means letting go of my need to fix myself. Why would I give up fixing a flat tire or a leaky faucet? It’s broken, it needs to be fixed! In the same way, why would I give up on trying to be perfect when it is so obvious how imperfect I am? Don’t I always forget to put my dishes in the dishwasher, wear the wrong thing to parties, say the wrong thing to men. and what about those pimples on my nose, those flabby thighs and big feet? I need to let go of those thoughts and beliefs in a healthy way and trust that I am fine just the way I am, imperfect, human, and whole. But (and this is still my question, sometimes) how?

The way that has worked for me is to practice doing nothing. Acceptance is like surrender, it is giving up the struggle to fix and to be perfect. For me, surrender comes in the form of my meditation practice. By sitting quietly, or standing, and practicing the simple exercises outlined for me, I stop fighting and focus on surrendering to the process of letting go. This isn’t easy because it means accepting that I feel angry, ugly, fat, tired, depressed, or excited, and the last thing I want to do is feel those awful feelings. What if I am angry forever? Am I a bad person? What if I am fat? What if that horrible thing I did (or ate) comes back to haunt me? What if I never learn to be happy and end up wasting my life? When I surrender, I accept that I cannot do anything to improve the situation and that the only answer is to accept the unacceptable.

The magic happens when I accept where I am right that moment and let the process of letting go take over. The breath takes care of the feelings and before I know it, the negativity releases and I feel better. Some days I get an intuition about the truth of the situation and feel a deep unconditional love wash over me, others, I simply feel better and am able to get out of myself and be present in the world and with other people. Either way, the breath changes me, my attitude shifts from a negative one to a more positive one, and the unacceptable stops feeling so unacceptable.

The tough part for me is being patient and accepting that I am not always going to get those amazing insights or feel that incredible joy and love, and that sometimes it will take longer to release than I have time for. Accepting that even my acceptance will not always be perfect is difficult for me because it challenges me to let go of the results, surrender to the process and let the healing power of the breath work in its mysteriously perfect way. It isn’t until I am willing to stop trying to fix the problem and accept the unacceptable that I can get through to the other side and feel loved just as I am, imperfections and all.


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Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing FAQ

What is EMDR? Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a non-drug, non-hypnosis psychotherapy procedure. The therapist guides the client in concentrating on a troubling memory or emotion while moving the eyes rapidly back and forth (by following the therapist’s fingers). This rapid eye movement, which occurs naturally during dreaming, seems to speed the client’s movement through the healing process. What is it used for? EMDR is used to treat troubling symptoms such as anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, and post-traumatic reactions. It can also be used to enhance emotional resources such as confidence and self -esteem. What happens in a session? EMDR is different for everyone, because the healing process is guided from within. Sometimes past issues or memories come up, which are related to the current concern. These may also be treated with EMDR. Sometimes a painful memory brings up unpleasant emotions or body sensations. This is normal and generally passes during the EMDR. The upsetting emotion or memory seems to fade into the past and lose its’ power. Why bring up a painful memory? When painful memories are avoided, they keep their disturbing power. However, a flashback or nightmare can feel as upsetting and overwhelming as the original experience, yet not be helpful. In therapy, and with EMDR, you can face the memory in a safe setting, so that you do not feel overwhelmed. Then you can get through it and move on. Will I be in Control? You are always in charge of whether to continue or stop. You are in charge of your process. The therapist serves as a guide to help you stay on track and get the most out of the session and may encourage you to continue through difficult parts. Are there any precautions? Yes. There are specific procedures to be followed depending on your presenting problem, emotional stability and medical condition. Your therapist must have been trained to use EMDR in the appropriate manner. What happens afterwards? You may continue to process the material for days or even weeks after the session, perhaps having new insights, vivid dreams, strong feelings or memory recall. This is all part of the natural healing process and you are encouraged to note anything in a journal, and call your therapist should you feel concerned. How can I learn more about EMDR? You can read articles about EMDR and find links to other EMDR-related sites by clicking on EMDR Info & Links. Contributed by Beth Burton Krahn, MA, RCC Copyright© Ricky Greenwald, Psy.D.. Created: 6/2/00 Updated: 2/8/03  

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What Does an EMDR Session Look Like?

Procedures of EMDR Sessions

First, the client and the therapist work together to collect basic information about the traumatic experience. The most disturbing part of the incident is identified and becomes the processing target. Example: image of rapist’s face. Next the negative belief connected to the trauma is identified. Example: “I’m dirty, I’m ruined for life.” Next a positive, preferred belief is named. Example: “I’m safe now, it’s over, I can move on with my life.” Next, the client is asked to rate (on a scale of 1-7) how true the positive belief feels when paired with the target image. Usually, the number is very low, the positive belief does not feel very true at this point. Client is then asked to name the feelings, emotions that the target memory elicits, and to rate the associated distress level (on a scale of 0-10). Example: Target memory of being raped elicits fear and shame with a distress level of 9. Client is then asked to name where this target memory is experienced in the body. Example: solar plexus. This completes the procedures of EMDR sessions information gathering portion of the session. The therapist has a worksheet that she follows in order to gather this information, exactly as stated above. The next part of the procedures of an EMDR session focuses on the desensitization process . The client is asked to hold the image of the target memory, the negative belief and the body area in their awareness. While the client is doing that, the therapist guides the client’s eyes to move rapidly back and forth, by following the therapists’ fingers. (This is also called “bilateral stimulation”) This movement is done in sets. Sets may last from a few seconds to a minute or so. During each set the client is instructed to “just notice whatever comes up, without controlling the experience in any way. After a few sets clients usually report a significant decrease in distress level, as though the memory is fading away, or no longer has an emotional charge. The target memory is completely processed when recall of the image no longer brings up disturbing emotions and the client reports a zero on the distress scale. At this point, the client and therapist move onto the installation phase , this is the point where the new, positive belief is installed into the neural pathways, using bilateral stimulation. When the client reports a 7 the scale measuring the truth of the new positive belief, the session is complete. Contributed by Beth Burton Krahn, MA, RCC  

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EMDR Example

Summarized from Chapter 9 in EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress and Trauma (Shapiro & Forrest). Mia was a single mother whose 12-year-old son was killed by a train when his shoe became stuck in the track. For a year after his death she had obsessive thoughts and nightmares about the accident. Her depression was intense and she often thought of suicide. Mia took disability leave from work because she couldn’t concentrate or function well. She was treated with Prozac, Ativan and weekly “talk” therapy, but 13 months after her son’s death she still felt hopeless and distressed. Mia was at the end of her rope. At this point, her doctor suggested she enroll in a free PTSD- research study at Yale Psychiatric Institute. There she was seen by psychiatrist Steve Lazrove for three sessions of EMDR, a therapy for overcoming anxiety and stress. In the first treatment session she described the worst part of the story and rated it a “10” on a 0-10 disturbance rating scale. Mia reported the emotion was a terrible pain in her chest, and a sense that “my heart was stolen from me.” She said, “I feel guilt. He was my responsibility.” Lazrove elicited a more positive belief, that it was an accident and not her fault. Then he had her focus on the most disturbing part of the memory and he guided her eyes to move back and forth. Gradually, over the course of about an hour, and after numerous “sets” of bilateral stimulation, the details of the memory became less disturbing. By the end of the first session she reported she could think about the accident scene and it no longer felt distressing. She reported, “I feel relieved. I feel more comfortable, like a weight has been lifted off me. When I think about the memory now, it doesn’t seem as unbearable or excruciating to recall. The painful part is gone.” By the end of the three sessions she came to feel that it had neither been her fault nor her son’s fault. At the 8-month follow-up visit Mia reported she had returned to work. She was sleeping well and was no longer having obsessive thoughts about the accident.  

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Through Thick and Thin: How to Keep Committing to Recovery

By Alison M. Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore. Being aware of my imperfections, feeling painful feelings, doing what’s “right”, growing up. Recovery is hard work, and sometimes I wish I had never started. When I was still acting out my food obsession, and dieting and bingeing consumed my life, I only wanted to do the things that came easy. I never tried things I was sure I would fail at, and as my obsession deepened, that was just about everything. As a result, I never took piano lessons, or tried swimming lessons, I refused to audition for plays, avoided submitting stories to publications, and neglected to reach out to other people. If, as I did on rare occasions, try something new, I would get discouraged if I wasn’t an expert after my first try and would give up. If I had no choice, the only way I could get through it was by eating. I couldn’t stand those uncomfortable feelings of weakness, uncertainty, and vulnerability. More than anything, it made me angry to think there was one more thing I wasn’t good at because my entire sense of self was grounded in being the best.

Committing to Recovery from Food Obsession

It’s a miracle that I ever found my way to recovery because it is a process of change, growth, and learning that can be very uncomfortable. It is a new way of living that demands I start doing everything I ever avoided. With its setbacks, slow progress, and ongoing change, recovery feels overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. Every now and then, I feel like I am getting nowhere, wasting my time, energy and money, and I just want to give up. It’s during those times that I can learn and grow the most, if I commit to the process and overcome my negative thinking. But how do I commit when it’s the last thing I want to do? Meditation is an essential tool for helping me to stay committed during those tough times. My experience has taught me that when I commit to the breath and to letting go, things change and usually improve. Sometimes I just need a good cry, other times, my negativity is lifted altogether. Then I am reminded that I have no choice but to keep committing. Once I put the food obsession down, I ran out of ideas for avoiding life. I needed something to replace the food, and recovery did just that. So when I am disturbed, impatient, afraid, or angry, I no longer have the option of turning to the food. I only have what has kept me in recovery for the past two years: facing myself, learning how to accept life as it is, and letting go. When I get quiet and focus on my breath, especially in the morning, and let my thoughts run through my head without trying to control them, I find that I can get in touch with the truth: I want to keep recovering no matter what. It is in those quiet moments that I remember how horrible it was to be in the food obsession, and how much I have grown and changed for the best since starting on my journey. If I am able to connect with these truths early each day, I find that my day is more positive, centered and enjoyable. On the days that I don’t, the negative thoughts can be unbearable, and, eventually, I have to take some time to reconnect to what I really want in life: happiness, gratitude and peace of mind. As I get quiet with my unwillingness to commit, I see that it is caused by my attempts to make recovery into something it isn’t. I want results NOW and I want them with the least amount of hassle as possible and this is because of committing to recovery from food obsession. My frustrations and negativity are usually the result of my wanting to be somewhere or get something when it isn’t time. Unfortunately, recovery isn’t like that. It is an ongoing process that has no goal. By meditating on a daily basis, I am forced to face all that fear, impatience, and neediness and to see how it is a part of what made me turn to food in the first place. Just like my perfectionism kept me from doing things that I love, I can see how it keeps me from recovering. I see how I get caught up in a web of judgment and criticism that tangles me up in judgment and criticism of my judgment of my criticism. My mind races about, trying to find a way out, the perfect solution, or the perfect avoidance. As long as I stay present and focus on my centre, I come to a point where I have no choice but to accept where I am let it all go. Those moments are the most liberating and beneficial of all because they show me how I am in my life. In those moments, I see the truth: I can go crazy and turn to the food, or I can face myself, let of my need to be perfect, and feel better. When I see those moments as teachers, opportunities to move forward, and lessons to be learned instead of mistakes or wrong attitudes, my need to control my recovery is lessened, and peace of mind is no longer out of reach. That’s when the miracle of the breath takes over, and the moment passes. My willingness to stay present with my problems and to keep doing what I know will keep me healthy returns, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. But it does return, and I feel connected, centered, and hopeful again. Without those moments of fear, despair, and frustration, I would never appreciate the moments of freedom. I am filled with gratitude and remember the experience for the next time I find myself tangled up in a web of impatience and negativity. Underneath it all is the knowledge that I want to recover and that I don’t ever want to live the way I did when I was obsessed with food. With that knowledge, I can reach for the solution and get in touch with the deep love that tells me I’m worth it; life is worth it, no matter how hard it is.  

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Obesity, Health, and Metabolic Fitness

by Glenn Gaesser, Ph.D . Associate Professor of Exercise Physiology, Univ. of Virginia Fat. F-a-t. Perhaps no other word in our language is despised as much, nor focused on so intensely. Americans are obsessed about fat–body fat–and how to get rid of it. We have been conditioned to view health and fitness in strictly black (fat) and white (fit) terms: A “fat” body cannot possibly be fit and healthy. This fat-versus-fit dichotomy, made popular in the 1970s with the publication of fitness guru Covert Bailey’s “Fit or Fat?” (5), has become the mantra of many a fitness and health professional. You don’t have to read any more than the title to grasp the fundamental message of this perennial best-selling fitness bible: A person is either fit, or fat–but not both.

Overweight Health Related Problems

The implications of this myopic fitness philosophy are obvious: The road to a fitter and healthier body is a very narrow one indeed. In order for a fat person to become fit and healthy, that person must lose weight and become lean. This of course implies that “lean” is inherently good and “fat” is inherently bad. Not only is this lipophobic paradigm overly simplistic, it does not stand up against a substantial amount of medical and scientific evidence. Obesity-Heart Disease Link Challenged Take coronary artery disease (atherosclerosis), for example–the number one killer in the United States. Conventional wisdom tells us that obesity itself is a major cause of clogged arteries–the rationale being that more fat on the body equals more fat in the blood stream equals more fat build-up in the arteries. However, most of the studies that have looked at the relationship between body weight (or body fat) and atherosclerosis–via coronary angiography or by direct examination of artery disease at autopsy–find that fat people are no more likely to have clogged arteries than thin people (4, 11, 27). In some instances results entirely opposite to conventional wisdom are observed. For example, when researchers at the University of Tennessee (4) evaluated coronary angiograms of more than 4,500 men and women, they found that the risk of having a clogged artery actually decreased as body weight increased. In other words, it was the fat men and women who had the cleanest arteries. Although this finding is exceptional, the preponderance of angiography studies of this nature do undermine the notion that obesity inevitably results in clogged arteries. Furthermore, the findings from angiography studies are consistent with countless autopsy studies–dating back to the middle of this century–of the link between body weight (or body fat) and arterial disease. The large-scale International Atherosclerosis Project (27), for example, conducted in the late 1950s and early 1960s, concluded after analyzing 23,000 sets of coronary arteries–obtained at autopsy–that no measure of body weight or body fat was related to the degree of coronary vessel disease. The obesity-heart disease link is just not well supported by the scientific and medical literature. Thinner is Not Necessarily Healthier The same could be said for the notion that thin people are healthiest and can expect to live longer than everybody else. Contrary to the prevailing medical mind-set, the “thin-live-longest” studies frequently cited by the more vocal of the anti-fat crusaders (26) are far outnumbered by studies demonstrating that body weight–aside from the extremes–is not really all that strong a predictor of death rates, or overall health for that matter (10, 11, 15, 29, 37, 38, 41). A 1996 publication by researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics and Cornell University illustrates perfectly (41). After analyzing the results from dozens of published reports on the impact of body weight on death rates, encompassing more than 350,000 men and nearly 250,000 women, the researchers found that moderate obesity (no more than about 50 pounds in excess of the so-called ideal body weight) increased the risk of premature death only slightly in men, and not at all in women, during follow-up periods lasting up to 30 years. In fact, the researchers found that thin men–even within the range recommended by the current U.S. government guidelines–had a risk of premature death equal to that of men who were extremely overweight. The researchers warned in their summary comments that “attention to the health risks of underweight is needed, and body weight recommendations for optimum longevity need to be considered in light of these risks.” Ever since the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company introduced its tables of “ideal” weights in 1942 (21, 22)–the company called them “desirable” weights in 1959 (30), and did away altogether with the terms “ideal” and “desirable” in 1983 (31)–we have been operating under the weight loss industry-reinforced assumption that weighing more than what the height/weight charts say we should weigh is a sure sign of poor health and greatly increases risk of premature death. However, the majority of body weight-mortality investigations have shown that weighing 20 pounds, or 30 pounds, or even 50 pounds in excess of the height-weight chart recommendations is associated with little, if any, increased risk of an early check-out. For example, the current U.S. government guidelines indicate that a 5’4” woman should weigh between 111 pounds and 146 pounds, and a 5’10” man should weigh between 132 pounds and 174 pounds. According to the 1996 study previously mentioned (41), a 5’4” woman and 5’10” man could weigh close to 200 pounds before their risk of premature death goes up appreciably (excess body weight seems to be riskier in men than in women). This suggests that there are a great many “overweight” Americans–especially women–who are agonizing unnecessarily about those numbers on the bathroom scale. So if being a little fatter than average might not be so bad, and being thin (at least for men) might not be so good, what does this say about body weight and health? If the concept of an ideal weight is little more than statistical fiction, should we just chuck the bathroom scale, kick back on the sofa with a bag of chips in one hand and the remote control in the other, and nestle into total couch-potato-hood? Of course not (although chucking the bathroom scale is probably a good idea). It’s just that body weight, and even body fat for that matter, do not tell us nearly as much about our health as lifestyle factors, such as exercise and the foods we eat. Consider the following scenario. Randomly select a few hundred men and women (matched for age and smoking habits) and divide them into two groups based on body fat: lean and fat. Next take each person’s blood pressure, draw some blood and determine each person’s serum lipid levels, and have each person perform a glucose tolerance test (to get an idea of each person’s insulin sensitivity). I guarantee that you will find, on average, higher blood pressures, unhealthier blood lipid profiles, and poorer glucose tolerance/insulin sensitivity in the group of fat men and women. Does this mean that the higher body fat levels caused the health problems? No. It just means that you are more likely to find these kinds of metabolic disorders in fat men and women. But associations do not prove cause-effect. Just because you are more likely to observe high blood pressure, elevated blood lipids and glucose intolerance in fat persons does not prove that body fat is the cause of these health problems, nor does it mean that a fat person has to become lean in order to resolve these health problems. The proof of this assertion is quite straightforward. Get these fat men and women to start an exercise program and eat healthier foods–and see how they do. Numerous research studies have done just that. A few examples are described below. Weight-Related Health Problems Resolved Independently of Weight Loss Results from the Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension (DASH) clinical trial, published in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1997 (3), proved that blood pressures can be effectively lowered by simple changes in diet, without losing weight. Among 133 men and women with high blood pressure, just eating more fruits and vegetables, and consuming low-fat dairy foods with reduced saturated fat, was sufficient to reduce systolic blood pressure by an average of 11.4 mmHg, and diastolic blood pressure by an average of 5.5 mmHg, within two weeks after changing their diets. The reductions in blood pressures were comparable to those observed with initiation of pharmacotherapy–but without the side-effects which sometimes accompany antihypertensive medications. Most significantly, the blood pressure reductions were achieved without any weight loss. To prove that it’s fat in the diet–and not fat on the body–that is the primary cause of blood lipid abnormalities, such as high cholesterol, researchers at the National Public Health Institute in Helsinki, Finland, placed 54 middle-aged men and women on a low-fat (~24% of total calories) diet for six weeks (16). Total cholesterol dropped from 263 mg/dl to 201 mg/dl in the men, and from 239 mg/dl to 188 mg/dl in the women. Body weight did decrease modestly, by about 2 pounds. The subjects were then switched back to their usual diet (~39% of total calories from fat) for six weeks. Total cholesterol levels returned to their original levels–despite absolutely no change in body weight–requiring the researchers to conclude that the fat content of the diet, not weight change, was responsible for the changes in cholesterol levels. Combined exercise and nutrition programs have provided even more compelling results, as illustrated by the changes observed in the more than 4,500 men and women who have completed a 3-week stay at the Pritikin Longevity Center in Santa Monica, California (6-9). The Pritikin program consists of eating a low-fat, high-complex starch, high-fiber diet (with no emphasis on rapid weight loss) and daily moderate-to-vigorous aerobic exercise. Within three weeks the average cholesterol level dropped from about 234 mg/dl to about 180 mg/dl; low-density lipoprotein cholesterol (the unhealthy kind) decreased from around 151 mg/dl to 116 mg/dl; and triglycerides were reduced by one-third (from 200 mg/dl down to 135 mg/dl) (6). Pritikin program participants lowered their blood pressures by an average of 5-10%, and more than one-third of the men and women with high blood pressure were able to discontinue antihypertensive medications (7, 8). Those with type II (adult onset) diabetes also experienced tremendous improvements: 39% of those taking insulin and 71% of those on oral hypoglycemic agents were able to discontinue medication entirely (7, 8). All of these improvements in health profile while on the Pritikin program were observed within three weeks. Although participants do lose weight (typically about 7-11 pounds, or about 5% of their initial body weight), statistical analysis indicates that less than 5% of the improvements in health can be attributed to changes in body weight. Most important to the question at hand is the fact that most men and women who enter the program obese leave the program obese–but with one major difference: They no longer have the health problems thought to be caused by excess body fat. Just as risk factors for heart disease can be affected by changes in lifestyle independent of changes in body weight, the actual disease itself can be influenced by lifestyle modification–without changes in body weight. The results of the Cholesterol Lowering Atherosclerosis Study illustrate (14). Eighty-two moderately overweight middle-aged men with heart disease were placed in a two-year intervention program designed to reduce consumption of dietary fat. Men who reduced their fat intake to 27.5% of total calories showed no new fatty deposits in their coronary vessels (as determined by examination of coronary angiograms taken before and after the two-year study). On the other hand, men who failed to make significant changes in fat intake (34% of total calories from fat) didn’t do as well–they all showed some evidence of new lesions in their coronary vessels. Because neither group lost any weight during the two-year study, the researchers concluded, in a 1990 article published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, that “the appearance of new [coronary artery] lesions can be influenced without weight change by voluntary selection of acceptable foods.” Health and Longevity: Being Fit More Important Than Being Thin All this evidence suggests that as far as one’s health is concerned, lifestyle is far more important than body weight. This goes for longevity prospects as well, as the ongoing–since 1970–Aerobics Center Longitudinal Study at the Cooper Institute for Aerobics Research, in Dallas, Texas, demonstrates (10, 13). Data on more than 32,000 men and women indicate that the fittest men and women have the lowest death rates–regardless of what they weigh. In other words, a heavier-than-average person who is physically fit has a better chance of living a long life than does a thin couch potato. Furthermore, a separate analysis of nearly 10,000 of the men in this study who performed at least two exercise stress tests separated by an average of about 5 years (thereby allowing the researchers to evaluate the impact of changes in physical fitness on subsequent death rates), revealed that improving physical fitness level reduced death rates during the 5+ years of follow-up. Men who were initially classified as unfit (defined as being in the bottom 20% of fitness levels for a given age), but who–via increasing physical activity–improved their fitness level by the second fitness examination, reduced their mortality rate during the subsequent 5+ years of follow-up by 44%. Most significant in terms of the weight debate was the fact that the improved longevity prospects were not at all dependent upon weight loss. Results from the ongoing Harvard Alumni Study (33) provide similar results: Sedentary Harvard alums who increased their level of physical activity experienced a 23% reduction in all-cause mortality rate. Because alums who lost weight were no better off healthwise than those who did not lose weight, the reduction in all-cause death rate observed in the more physically active men was in no way attributable to slimming down. Health Hazards of Obesity Exaggerated Despite all this evidence suggesting that lifestyle is far more important than body weight in terms of health, and that it might be more prudent to focus on getting people fit and healthy rather than trying to make them thin, the weight loss industry still barrels along like a runaway freight train. Aside from the cultural obsession with slimness, health professionals have done much to sanctify this quest for a lean body–primarily by fueling a medical rationale for fat phobia: Obesity is a major killer. The most blatant–but unjustified–example of this scare tactic is the widely publicized claim that obesity kills 300,000 Americans every year. Former U.S. surgeon general C. Everett Koop asserted as much when he launched his Shape Up America! campaign in 1994. Since then, this figure has taken on a life of its own, appearing in scientific and medical journals (1) and mentioned repeatedly in the media–each time reminding us of the “fact” that obesity is the second leading cause of preventable death in America. The problem, however, is that there is absolutely no way to prove this assertion. In fact, the most frequently cited source of this statistic, a 1993 article in the Journal of the American Medical Association (28), shows just how misinterpreted this statistic a ctually is. The article, titled “Actual Causes of Death in the Untied States,” attributes the 300,000 deaths per year to “diet/activity patterns”–not to obesity. Obesity is a physical trait; diet and physical activity are behaviors. To equate them not only is unjustified, it is absurd. While poor diet and lack of physical activity may lead to obesity, the truth of the matter is that the studies used to generate the 300,000 figure looked at the health impact of poor diet and sedentary lifestyle across the entire weight spectrum, not just among fat persons. [There are a great many less-than-healthy couch potatoes with poor dietary and exercise habits who–via luck of the genes–will never be fat.] Emphasis on Weight Loss Misdirected and Hazardous I am not advocating that we should be complacent about obesity. It’s just that continued focus on weight loss seems counterproductive, and may be quite hazardous to the health of those who continually battle their weight. Each year roughly 70 million Americans–nearly one-fourth of the entire U.S. population–attempt to lose weight, shelling out between $30 billion and $50 billion in the process (32). But despite our perennial efforts to shed pounds, our waistlines are getting bigger, not smaller. It seems what ever we lose, we gain back–and then some. Not only can this be damaging to our self-esteem and mental health, chronic fluctuations in body weight may also do physical harm (12, 17, 25). In fact, most of the epidemiological studies on weight loss alone show that weight loss increases risk for premature death, primarily from heart disease (2, 12, 20, 25, 34). This obviously represents a paradox, because weight loss is thought to improve cardiovascular disease risk factors. But this is not always the case. One of the most popular weight reducing strategies of the past 35 years, the low-carbohydrate diet, actually raises cholesterol levels (especially low-density lipoprotein cholesterol) and reduces high-density lipoprotein cholesterol (the heart-healthy kind) despite weight loss (24, 36). This suggests that going on a low-carbohydrate diet may actually increase risk of atherosclerosis. Another possible explanation for the paradoxical finding of weight loss being associated with increased risk of dying from heart disease is the recent evidence which shows that dieting depletes body reserves of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, thus raising the possibility that weight loss via calorie restriction may actually make the body more vulnerable to atherosclerosis (39). The researchers who reported these findings warned that “a subtle but chronic risk state could be established if recurrent dieting depletes omega-3 reserves and intake during maintenance does not allow effective repletion.” Metabolic Fitness: An Alternative Health Paradigm We need a new approach to health and fitness–one that places less emphasis on body weight (or body fat) and more emphasis on healthy metabolism–becoming “metabolically” fit. To achieve “metabolic fitness” does not require having a lean body, nor does it depend upon having the cardiovascular system of an endurance athlete. In scientific/medical terms, metabolic fitness can be defined in terms of how the human body responds to the hormone insulin (9, 35). “Insulin sensitive” bodies tend to have excellent glucose tolerance, normal blood pressures, and heart-healthy blood lipid profiles. Therefore, insulin sensitive people tend to be at lower risk for type II diabetes and heart disease than people who are “insulin resistant”–a metabolic condition in which the body’s cells (mainly those in skeletal muscle, liver and adipose tissue) don’t respond normally to this hormone, and which ultimately may result in disordered lipid metabolism and elevated blood pressures. Insulin resistance is associated with high risk for type II diabetes and heart disease (9, 18, 35). Although genes play a role, the major causes of insulin resistance are lack of exercise and consuming a diet high in fat (especially saturated fat) and refined sugar, and low in fiber–a description that fits many Americans (9). Because these behaviors also promote obesity, the “insulin resistance syndrome” (also known as the “metabolic syndrome”) is observed more often in fat people than it is in thin people. But as I have pointed out already, a fat person with the metabolic syndrome does not have to become lean in order to become insulin sensitive (i.e., obesity is not the underlying cause of the syndrome). Also, one does not have to be obese to be insulin resistant. An estimated one-fourth of non-obese men and women in the United States are insulin resistant and don’t realize it (35). Substantial improvements in insulin sensitivity can be changed in a matter of days or weeks (7, 8, 19), which explains why dramatic improvements in glucose tolerance, blood pressures, and blood lipids can be observed so quickly after starting an exercise program or eating healthier foods. If we can accept the fact that metabolically fit and healthy bodies can come in all shapes and sizes (40), then the public health message becomes quite simple: be more physically active and consume a healthier diet. As for exercise, moderate-to-vigorous activity (heart rate in the range of ~60-75 percent of maximum) for ~20-40 minutes per day on most days of the week is suitable for improving metabolic fitness (9, 23). Intensity and duration of exercise can be modified to suit individual needs. If time is not a constraint, duration can be emphasized while exercising at the lower end of the intensity range. Just as effective, however, is high-intensity exercise of only 20-30 minutes duration. As for nutrition, the best foods to boost metabolic fitness are those you find primarily near the base of the USDA food guide pyramid: Whole grains, fruits and vegetables, and legumes (beans). These foods have plenty of fiber and have been shown to improve health regardless of weight and independent of weight loss (3, 9, 19). The Road to Fitness is Wide Enough For All It may seem intuitive that exercising more and eating better will naturally result in weight loss. This generally is true, but with a major caveat. Not everyone will lose weight, and it is virtually impossible to tell how much any one person will lose. Most exercise programs and typical diets result in a weight loss of no more than 5-10 pounds (32); the average “overweight” U.S. adult wants to lose 20-30 pounds! This discrepancy between what Americans want and what exercise and healthy eating are able to deliver highlights the fundamental problem with using weight loss or reductions in body fat to judge the success of an exercise program or nutrition plan. Exercise and healthy eating should not be viewed merely as means to an end (weight loss), but rather as having their own intrinsic value. If someone quits an exercise program out of failure to reach a particular weight loss (or reduced body fat) goal, then all the benefits of the exercise are lost as well. And far too many people who start exercise programs don’t stay with them. Yo-yo fitness is becoming as common as yo-yo dieting. In America today millions of men and women (and boys and girls) stigmatized as “too fat” are engaged in a perpetual war with their bodies. Isn’t it about time we called a truce? Let’s face biological reality. Some people are naturally meant to be thin, some naturally meant to be fat. Exercise and diet can modify our genetic destiny only so much. The human body is not an infinitely malleable mass of calories that can be burned down to any shape and size desired. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all be as metabolically fit as our lifestyle will allow. In terms of health and longevity, the scientific evidence is abundantly clear: It is far mor e important to be fit than it is to be thin. Contrary to prevailing dogma, the road to a fitter and healthier body is not so narrow after all. Our special thanks to Dr. Gaesser for letting us reprint this article with his permission. References 1. American Dietetic Association. Position of The American Dietetic Association: Weight management. J Am Diet Assoc 1997; 97: 71-74. 2. Andres, R, DC Muller and JD Sorkin. Long-term effects of change in body weight on all-cause mortality: A review. Ann Int Med 119: 737-743, 1993. 3. Appel, LJ, TJ Moore, E Obarzanek, et al. A clinical trial of the effects of dietary patterns on blood pressure. N Engl J Med 336: 1117-1124, 1997. 4. Applegate WB, Hughes JP, Zwagg RV. Case-control study of coronary heart disease risk factors in the elderly. J Clin Epidemiol, 44: 409-415, 1991. 5. Bailey, C. Fit or Fat? Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1978. 6. Barnard, RJ. Effects of life-style modification on serum lipids. Arch Int Med 151: 1389-1394, 1991. 7. Barnard RJ, Jung T, Inkeles SB. Diet and exercise in the treatment of NIDDM. Diabetes Care 1994; 17: 1469-1472. 8. Barnard RJ, Ugianskis EJ, Martin DA, Inkeles SB. Role of diet and exercise in the management of hyperinsulinemia and associated atherosclerotic risk factors. Am J Cardiol 1992; 69:440-444. 9. Barnard, RJ, and SJ Wen. Exercise and diet in the prevention and control of the metabolic syndrome. Sports Med 18: 218-228, 1994. 10. Barlow CE, Kohl III HW, Gibbons LW, Blair SN. Physical fitness, mortality and obesity. Int J Obesity, 19 (Suppl 4): S41-S44, 1995. 11. Barrett-Connor EL. Obesity, atherosclerosis, and coronary artery disease. Ann Int Med, 103: 1010-1019, 1985. 12. Blair, SN, J Shaten, K Brownell, G Collins, and L Lissner. Body weight change, all-cause mortality, and cause-specific mortality in the Multiple Risk Factor Intervention Trial. Ann Int Med 119: 749-757, 1993. 13. Blair, SN, HW Kohl, III, CE Barlow, RS Paffenbarger, LW Gibbons, and CA Macera. Changes in physical fitness and all-cause mortality: A prospective study of healthy and unhealthy men. J Am Med Assoc 273: 1093-1098, 1995. 14. Blankenhorn DH, Johnson RL, Mack WJ, et al. The influence of diet on the appearance of new lesions in human coronary arteries. J Am Med Assoc 1990; 263: 1646-1652. 15.Carmelli, D, J Halpern, GE Swan, A Dame, M McElroy, AB Gelb, and RH Rosenman. 27-year mortality in the Western Collaborative Group Study: Construction of risk groups by recursive partitioning. J Clin Epidemiol 44: 1341-1351, 1991. 16.Ehnholm C, Huttunen JK, Pietinen P, et al. Effect of diet on serum lipoproteins in a population with a high risk of coronary heart disease. N Engl J Med 1982; 307: 850-855. 17. Ernsberger, P, and RJ Koletsky. Weight cycling and mortality: support from animal studies. J Am Med Assoc 269: 1116, 1993. 18. Fontebonne, A, MA Charles, N Thibult, JL Richard, JR Claude, JM Warnet, GE Rosselin, and E Eschwege. Hyperinsulinemia as a predictor of coronary heart disease mortality in a healthy population: The Paris Prospective Study, 15-year follow-up. Diabetologia 34: 356-361, 1991. 19. Fukagawa, NK, JW Anderson, G Hageman, VR Young, and KL Minaker. High-carbohydrate, high-fiber diets increase peripheral insulin sensitivity in healthy young and old adults. Am J Clin Nutr 52: 524-528, 1990 20. Higgins, M, R D’Agostino, W Kannel, and J Cobb. Benefits and adverse effects of weight loss: Observations from the Framingham Study. Ann Int Med 119: 758-763, 1993. 21. Ideal weights for women. Stat Bull 23: 2-8, October 1942 22. Ideal weights for men. Stat Bull 24: 6-8, June 1943. 23. Lamarche B, Despres J-P, Pouliot M-C, et al. Is body fat loss a determinant factor in the improvement of carbohydrate and lipid metabolism following aerobic exercise training in obese women? Metabolism 1992; 41: 1249-1256. 24. LaRosa, JC, AG Fry, R Muesing, and DR Rosing. Effects of high-protein, low-carbohydrate dieting on plasma lipoproteins and body weight. J Am Diet Assoc 77: 264-270, 1980. 25. Lissner L, Odell PM, D’Agostino RB, et al. Variability of body weight and health outcomes in the Framingham population. N Engl J Med 1991; 324: 1839-1844. 26. Manson JE, Willett WC, Stampfer MJ, et al. Body weight and mortality among women. N Engl J Med 1995, 333: 677-685. 27. McGill HC, et al. General findings of the International Atherosclerosis Project. Lab Invest, 18: 498-502, 1968. 28. McGinnis JM, Foege WH. Actual causes of death in the United States. J Am Med Assoc 1993; 270: 2207-2208. 29. Menotti, A, et al. Inter-cohort differences in coronary heart disease mortality in the 25-year follow-up of the Seven Countries Study. Eur J Epidemiol 9: 527-536, 1993. 30. New weight standards for men and women. Stat Bull 40: 1-4, 1959. 31. 1983 Metropolitan Height and Weight Tables. Stat Bull 64: 2-9, 1983 32. NIH Technology Assessment Conference Panel. Methods for voluntary weight loss and control. Ann Int Med 116: 942-949, 1992. 33. Paffenbarger, RS, RT Hyde, AL Wing, I-M Lee, DL Jung, and JB Kampert. The association of changes in physical-activity level and other lifestyle characteristics with mortality among men. N Engl J Med 328: 538-545, 1993. 34. Pamuk, ER, DF Williamson, MK Serdula, J Madans, and TE Byers. Weight loss and subsequent death in a cohort of U.S. adults. Ann Int Med 119: 744-748, 1993. 35. Reaven, G. Role of insulin resistance in human disease. Diabetes 37: 1595-1607, 1988. 36. Rickman, F, N Mitchell, J Dingman, and JE Dalen. Changes in serum cholesterol during the Stillman Diet. J Am Med Assoc 228: 54-58, 1974. 37. Rissanen, A, M Heliovaara, P Knekt, A Aromaa, and A Reunanen. Overweight and mortality in Finnish men. In: Obesity in Europe 88 (P Bjorntorp and S Rossner, editors). Paris: John Libbey. 1989, pp. 61-68. 38. Rissanen A, Knekt P, Heliovaara M, et al. Weight and mortality in Finnish women. J Clin Epidemiol, 44: 787-795, 1991. 39. Tang, AB, KY Nishimura, and SD Phinney. Preferential reduction in adipose alpha-linolenic acid (18:3n-3) during very low caloric dieting despite supplementation with 18:3n-3. Lipids 28: 987-993, 1993. 40. Tremblay A, Despres J-P, Pouliot M-C, et al. Normalization of the metabolic profile in obese women by exercise and low fat diet. Med Sci Sports Exercise 1991; 23: 1326-1331. 41. Troiano RP, Frongillo, Jr EA, Sobal J, Levitsky DA. The relationship between body weight and mortality: A quantitative analysis of combined information from existing studies. Int J Obesity, 20: 63-75, 1996.  

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Humility and Recovery: How to Ask for Help

When to ask for help with eating disorders? I am a very proud person. I have always felt that I could do anything if I needed to, and that I could do it without anyone’s help. I am one of those people who never read the instructions because I think I should know how to do everything without having to learn first. This is because I can’t stand to admit that I don’t know how to do something and that I might have to ask for help. For me, asking for help is admitting that I am stupid, and that I should know better. I grew up being afraid that I would get in trouble for asking for help, and that if I did, I wouldn’t get it. This has resulted in my enormous pride. This same pride is what drives my food obsession. I used food and dieting to cope with all the little things in life that I think I should be able to handle on my own. I ate because I felt tired, angry, sad, happy, confused, excited, or bored, and then I dieted to lose what I thought was excess weight. When that didn’t work as well as I thought it should, I ate to ease the loneliness, fatigue, and demoralization brought about by dieting. So, I had many solutions for all of life’s problems, and most of them involved turning to food or dieting. I created a little world in which I didn’t have to ask anyone for help, where I felt I was safe from judgment, and where I lived with the illusion that I was handling life. I asked the food or the diet for help every day, but the problem was, they didn’t help, so instead of admitting that I didn’t know what to do, I dieted more, I ate more, and the cycle continued. Finally, I came to see that my “solution” was causing me more grief than it was helping me. I was eating more and more, and dieting less and less. I didn’t have the energy to exercise compulsively anymore, and even the food, that old, comfortable solution, was turning on me. Eating to feel better only made me feel worse. This is where pride comes in and challenges me in recovery. I find it discouraging to admit that my coping mechanisms aren’t working. Aren’t I supposed to be an independent, self-sufficient, intelligent young woman? How can I live down the shame of admitting that I don’t know how to cope with life? If all my efforts to cope are useless, what do I do now? What if I don’t get the help I think I need? In my experience with meditation and breath work, I have learned that admitting I don’t know what to do isn’t the horrible place I think it is, it is in fact a starting point for change. Once I accept that I don’t know how to deal with life’s ups and downs on my own, I open the door to learning. Once I admitted that dieting and bingeing weren’t working anymore, I could finally let go of my pride and ask for help. I had to be desparate enough to face the anxiety. Now, when I am struggling with a situation, which I often do, I need to get to a place where I can see that all my attempts to solve the problem, to fix or control whatever is unacceptable to me, are no longer working. At this stage in my recovery, my tolerance for frustration has become significantly lower, so I don’t have to be as desparate as I used to be to look outside of myself for a solution. But no matter what, I need to see that my way isn’t working before I turn to the breath and the practice for help. Then, I can sit and get quiet with what is going on. Being still allows me to stop trying so hard to fix myself, the problem, or other people. Instead, I let the breath guide me to a place of peace and acceptance. But first, I have to let all my pride go. I have to accept that I sometimes I am unwilling to accept. This, in my experience, is humility, the acceptance that I can’t fix anything, that I need help, and that the solution will be just what I need. That source of help is found within me, deep down in my belly, and I get there by focusing on the breath and my centre. Once I allow my attention to rest there, and not fixate on the problem, the fear, anger, and pride that grip me as I let go of the need to control slowly release, and I am able to accept that there is another way. Sometimes I am inspired to take a whole new course of action, sometimes I am moved to do nothing, but more importantly, no matter what the outcome, I have simply become aware of all the fear that lies at the source of my compulsiveness with food, dieting, and life. I see that my pride is really the fear that I will not be OK, and that if I don’t take control and make sure things turn out the way I think they should, I will be abandoned and forgotten. With that awareness, I am able to accept that I need compassion and acceptance more than I need to look like I know the answer.  

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