Alone. Isolated. Frustrated…

Alone Confused and Frustrated

Those are just some of the feelings that described my mental and physical state for so many years. I lived in that state for so long that I figured “Well, even though I am not happy, I don’t know what else to do. Losing weight is all that matters to me, and I don’t care what I have to do to achieve it” It started with a combination of many events in my life that lead me to this point. I was bullied, I was insecure, I was bigger than my other friends for most of my life, I felt bigger than anyone in the world.

I tried my first diet pill when I was 13, I went on my first diet at 14. At first it worked but soon my motivation diminished and I just went back to me old ways; sugary drinks, chips and all sorts of deep fried fast-food.

After years of feeling fat but not doing much about it, I went on a diet and ended up loosing 20lbs. That wasn’t enough, though; I was still “fat” and felt horrible. I continued to use diet pills for years, worked out and slowly weaned almost everything out of my diet. I kept losing weight over the next few years but it never made me happy inside as I had promised myself it would.

I developed this all-or-nothing thinking and decided that I needed to be strict with myself in order to get results. My strict habits turned obsessive really quickly, I figured I had to stay on top of myself or else I’d slip and gain a million pounds. It was deadly, I would go online and seek “support” when really, I was developing an even deeper eating disorder.

Soon, nothing was enough. I fasted, I cleansed, I did extreme “all vegetable” diets and worked out very, very intensely for hours at a time, budgeting myself to a few hundred calories a day and while I lost a little bit of weight, my mental state was lost faster than the weight. I would secretly cry alone in my closet, because I was so empty inside. My boyfriend was very concerned, but I had put up such a huge wall around me, no one was allowed into that area of my life. I had drawers filled with information on anorexia, pictures, and poems, anything that fed my habit. I had numerous books and logs to track every morsel of food that went into my mouth and every minute of exercise. No one knew. I hid everything. People would congratulate me on my weight-loss, as much as you’d think it felt good – it only fed my eating disorder.

I got to a point when my boyfriend turned into my fiancé, I realized I was getting older, wanted to have kids  and basically said to myself “This is NOT working. I don’t feel good, everyone is worried about me and I feel so lost inside” One huge motivator was I did not want to pass on an ounce of this to my children, when I have them.

On a bit of a whim, I called up the Cedric Center and spoke with Michelle, who sounded so kind and understanding right off the bat. Through our sessions, she not only made me see certain events in my life that may have a part in why I am the way I am, but also gave me tools to use in times when I felt that lost, frustrated, alone and felt like regressing into past behaviors. Those tools are so valuable.

During my first few sessions I thought everything she was saying made perfect sense, it was logical, practical and eye opening. It wasn’t until I implemented those tools she taught me into my everyday life that I really started seeing (and feeling!) the results, for me it only took a few sessions to notice a huge change. My drill sergeant in my head has taken quite a vacation. I am now able to go out for dinner (which was NOT a pretty scene previously), cook healthy meals anxiety-free, eat lunch during the day and most importantly I am learning to do everything in moderation – exercise, natural eating, listening to my body, and also being able to have a cookie or a dessert if I’m so inclined. Before Michelle, NONE of that stuff would be able to happen. I was a ball of anxiety, always calculating calories, crunching numbers of how much I ate versus how much I had worked out. Nothing was healthy enough for me.

That is now my past. I love saying that! I look forward to a bright, happy and balanced future. I am feeling excited an optimistic. I seriously can say I would not be here, like this, today if I did not call Michelle. She is so educated, experienced and in tune, she helped me realize that I am not alone, she understands this journey.

Thanks so much T. for this wonderful feedback. If any of you readers can relate and would like some support to let go of your food and body image stress, contact The CEDRIC Centre and begin your healing today.