I Used to Binge but I Don’t Binge Anymore
I don’t binge anymore. It’s been over 20 years and I don’t diet or focus on food, my weight is stable and healthy – I wear the same clothes from year to year instead of needing to have 3 wardrobes to keep up with my yo-yo dieting and ricocheting weight. I don’t binge anymore.
Back when I used to binge to cope, I felt incredibly afraid and lonely, bad, wrong, impossibly screwed up and believed that everyone who saw me, saw that.
With these beliefs in my head 24/7, it was exhausting to leave the relative safety and privacy of my house, and so of course, upon arriving home, I needed to do something to decompress; to detach from the pain, sadness, loneliness and fear that was always threatening to break through and overwhelm me.
So, out came the food. It was something to do; something to distract myself with; something to soothe myself with; and then, later, as I came to, something to focus on, beat myself up with and to make dire resolutions to do things differently the next day. So completely absorbed was I in my use of food and subsequent self-loathing that I never had the time or the clarity to look beneath it and question why I did it.
I was just fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, unlovable and unworthy. That was the reason. Or so I thought.
In reality, I was sad and lonely and scared because I hand’t been treated very well as a child and I had terrible role models for how to create solid relationships. I was doing exactly what I had seen my parents do but for some reason no one was sticking around to be my friend or partner or those that did were people with anger management issues or difficulty being honest and reliable.
This led me to believe I was flawed, fundamentally broken and therefore doomed to be unlovable. It led me to hide my true self from others which led me to attract people that didn’t fit and to me feeling like I couldn’t be myself in the relationship du jour.
It was these ideas I was carrying about myself and about how to be in relationships that led to me being so alone and anxious and those things led me to use food to soothe myself.
Once I got clear on that and started thinking more clearly about myself and the world around me, food became a non-issue; or rather it became what it should be an enjoyable, pleasurable experience of nurturing and sustaining my health.
If you’d like to experience that kind of true and lasting freedom from binging or dieting or any weight loss or body image stress, email me and I’ll show you how.