Question: How can I let people know that praising me for losing weight messes with my head?

Beth's Answer:
I think the amazing thing is that the answer to your question is in the question itself. I really want to acknowledge your honesty and your ability to know when you don't feel supported. This is important information to have when we are in recovery from disordered eating. This is an issue that is crying out for a boundary. In other words, you are experiencing a boundary violation regarding your recovery, and it is up to you to put a boundary around your recovery. In short, it is perfectly fair and reasonable to let others know just what you are willing to listen to.

You could say, for example, that although you understand their comments are meant to be supportive, you are dealing with your relationship towards food in such a way that physical appearances are not the main focus and so, you would appreciate them not making any comments about weight loss, or about your weight in general. Or, to use your words, "I would really appreciate if you didn't comment about my weight, I'm in recovery from disordered eating and when you comment on my weight, it really messes with my head."

Part of the very reason that you use food to cope is because it feels so risky to share with others your true feelings, thoughts etc. In this case, you are being called forward to advocate on your own behalf and let others know how they can support you in your recovery. Doing this is an act of personal responsibility. It means you are calling the shots about what you will put up with from others. And it is a tremendous growth opportunity regarding your recovery! Having said that, it is very challenging to change age-old patterns of relating and so the support of a therapist to guide you in this change can be immeasurable. I really want to acknowledge the courage and dedication it takes to make these behaviour changes. These changes grow out of a more caring and compassionate relationship you have with yourself. Wishing you well on your journey.

Michelle's Answer:
I think that one way to approach this issue of people praising you for losing weight is to allow yourself to consider the intention of the person speaking.

Is it their intention to support you; encourage you; motivate you; express their joy at your blossoming health and wellness? Or is it their intention to pressure and manipulate you; or to point out that you were overweight before and from their perspective it's about time you did something?

Chances are you may be prone to defaulting to the latter interpretation of someone's feedback on your change in weight. If not, that's great, if so, you ar likely harming yourself unnecessarily.
You see, the only people who are going to be intending to point out anything harmful or hurtful in a comment like that are those who struggle with their own food and weight issues and so are threatened by your success; and/or those who want to control you and are threatened by the self-esteem that is blossoming within you as you come to a natural weight for your body.

Either way, they're coming from a place of wanting to control you so that they can feel better. In my world that is called Co-dependency. In extreme cases it is also called abuse. If you really believe that the people offering you feedback mean to control or diminish you, I encourage you to take three giant steps back from the relationship and don't go anywhere near it again until you've healed any old Co- dependent patterns that are alive in you and you are certain that that person has done some healing of their own.

If however, it is possible that the other person really only means to support you and they don't know any other way to encourage you to continue to be the best that you can be, would you consider just letting it go?

I don't mean run away. And I don't mean carry the wound and the fear of seeing that person and possibly having them mention your weight. I mean can you let it go? Can you allow for the possibility that they only mean to support you and that from their own life experience and training in the diet mentality that is so rampant in the world, they really think they are doing the right thing by acknowledging your weight loss?
If so, when next you see or speak to that person and you notice you are feeling a little anxious lest they say something about your weight how about just saying to yourself: "This person means well and they are doing their best to support me. Can I just receive their comment as an indication of where they are at in their awareness around this issue. It is not an indication of my self- worth or in any way a statement that I didn't look fine before. Can I receive this as a statement of caring?"

You see, this recovery process is about you. Yes, it is also about you in relationship to others. And, if you felt completely fine with and grounded in your body someone could approach you and say you look like you have gained 10 pounds and you wouldn't feel the need to take that on. So, experiment with seeing that their comment is about them.
That will take the emotional charge down greatly and you will be feeling far more grounded in yourself and able to take care of yourself as you see fit. That may look like setting a boundary with that person that they are not allowed to mention your food choices or your weight until you tell them otherwise. I highly recommend that my clients set boundaries with the key people in their lives about how and when and even if food and body can be discussed. I think Beth's suggestion for how to go about doing this is bang on! Let us know how it goes.

"Most of our assumptions have outlived their uselessness."
Marshall McLuhan

We would rather be ruined than changed, We would rather die in our dread Than climb the cross of the moment And let our illusions die.
W. H. Auden

The soul has an absolute, unforgiving need for regular excursions into enchantment. It requires them like the body needs food and the mind needs thought."
Thomas Moore

Wahoo! We've got Yoga!

The CEDRIC Centre is so pleased, at long last, to be offering weekly yoga classes in our very own movement space with our very special colleague, Deb Moncur.
Below is a little write up that Deb prepared to let you know a bit about her and about the classes. If you are at all interested in trying one out or in signing up for the whole set please e-mail us or phone and we'll get you registered.

Hello Cedric Center Newsletter Readers, I have been teaching yoga in workshops and privately with Cedric Center clients for the past few years. Michelle has invited me to begin to do regular classes in the new yoga space beginning this September, so we plan to have a Tuesday evening class 5:30-7pm (or 6-730pm) whichever time is most popular and a Wednesday morning class 11:00 am - 12:30 pm each week.
We plan to keep the class sizes small and intimate, with lots of personal attention. We would like to offer 12 weeks of classes in the fall, broken into two 6 weeks sets. The cost of each set will be $72.00

First set:
Tuesday pm September 26 - October 31 6 weeks
Wednesday am September 27 - November 1 6 weeks

Second set:
Tuesday pm November 7- December 12 6 weeks
Wednesday am November 8 - December 13 6 weeks

I would like to have a open house on Tuesday September 19 at 7pm so that anyone interested could come and see the new yoga space, meet me, and do a short ½ hour yoga class. To get a taste.

In my classes, I love to teach about "undoing" because in our culture so much is about "doing", striving and fitting into a structure. WE will be easing and stretching muscle, breathing and opening joints, allowing our spines to find their length.
Yoga is about balance so there will be a variety of experience, moving our bodies in an extensive range of motion, sometimes standing, sometimes sitting or lying down. Everyone can practice at their own pace. This is a gentle restorative practice, very much about moving in mindfulness. And there will be time for relaxation, where we can heal at deep levels.
I think that the way I teach yoga is very much in line with the philosophy of the Cedric Center. So I hope you will join me! Namaste Deborah

Doesn't that sound GREAT!?
If you'd like to sign up for the sessions or reserve a spot for the introductory evening on the 19th let us know, we'd love to have you take part.

There are two pieces of reader correspondence that I'd like to share with you and I'd also like to offer one piece of reassurance to you readers. I received a piece of feedback myself a few weeks ago which I greatly appreciated about the use of the term "Sweetie" in one of the last newsletters. I can absolutely understand that this would not seem comfortable to some of you and perhaps even seem condescending or trite.
I would like to assure you that I rarely refer to my clients that way because I respect that the rapport has to be there and that particular client has to also use those terms comfortably themselves. This does occur on a few occasions and I will refer to a client with the term honey or sweetheart etc. but only because we have already been working together for quite some time and I know they are comfortable with and appreciate the intention of my use of those terms.
I just wanted to acknowledge the concern of any of you who read that piece of my sharing and felt that I used that term lightly.
I do appreciate your feedback of how I or anything pertaining to CEDRIC come across so thank you for that.
Now let's hear from a few clients about their experience with this process.

I have been receiving your Newsletters for one year or so. Recently I found myself in some tight situations emotionally, stopping communication with my Sister who was my friend, loosing a dog that my Sister gave up for adoption, staying with friends, and others in recovery, and putting another dog in a pet kennel run by professionals for two and a half weeks.Through all this I have read two of your newsletters, seen a dietician, and used supports from others, in person, and by telephone. My struggle for years was as a Bulimic,a nd now I have been free from binging and purging for five years. It was another tool when I found your newsletter, and I want to thank all those who contribute to it. It is a trying time like this that I find food, body image, and such to cloud my thinking, my negative self talk in my head is constant at times. The articles make me feel less alone, and I can get through that next meal avoiding negative eating patterns, that were part of my life for a very long time.

And here is a question that came through from a reader a few weeks ago, she has given me permission to print her question and my response on exercise addiction in the hopes that it will benefit others.

I have been following the newsletters and have a question, where does exercise addiction fit in here? I try to control my eating , but I am driven to work out everyday for 2 hours or more, before I can relax and get on in my day. The food plays a part still but I cant go without my intense exercise sessions or I am missereable and unsettled. I feel sad about the way my life is sooo controlled by this drive to be skinnier ans stronger ans smaller . Its a love hate relationship for me. Sometimes I love the drive I have to keep going and other times I realize how insane it all is but really dont want to stop because then what? How did it get this way ,I wasnt always like this .

It's good to hear from you. I hear that you are feeling overwhelmed by the urgency of your need to exercise and by the time and energy it is taking up every day.
Can you see that you are using exercise like others use food or alcohol or pot or shopping or sex? It's just your addiction of choice. The issue isn't what kind of addiction you have chosen to use to cope. The issue is what is going on in your world to trigger you to feel so overwhelmed that you need such a harmful behavioural coping strategy in the first place?
I know from previous dialogues we have had that there are some experiences in your past of your father being very strict, no doubt that's where your Drill Sgt. came from.
All of the pieces we've been working with in the newsletter these past few months can be used to work with your exercise addiction. It's all the same process of recovery regardless of your coping strategy. Your Drill Sgt. is clearly harming you with his pressure and perfectionist expectations.

You say that sometimes you love the drive you have to keep going. Can you allow for the possibility that there is a middle ground, where you are still motivated to look good and take good care of yourself but that motivation doesn't rule your life and it comes from a place of self-respect and self-love and not from fear?
And you got this way gradually. When we buy into the Drill sgt.'s message that we have to look and be a certain way in order to be acceptable and we don't feel acceptable just as we are we are driven to do more and be better and better.
It is never good enough, as you know. By the time we wake up and realize that the coping strategy is in control of us we have essentially built our world around it and our mindset believes it needs that behaviour in order to be okay.
Our coping strategies only ever get us "close" to happy, "close" to perfect, "close" to acceptable - they never get us all the way.
The route to happy is in a whole other direction. And you must be willing to let go of your old coping strategy in order to get there. That doesn't mean you have to let go all at once or that you have to know how to let go - that's what I'm here for.
You just have to trust that there is another way and you have to be fed up enough that you're willing to challenge the Drill Sgt. and those feelings of fear and try something new.

email: info@cedriccentre.com

phone: (250) 383 - 0797

web: http://www.cedriccentre.com