Cedric Centre for Counselling Inc.

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Trust yourself to know when to trust

My rule of thumb to assess my comfort and trust in a relationship is this: if I can’t bring myself to tell someone that I have a certain need in my relationship with them and ask them if they would be willing to meet that need for me, I know that I don’t feel safe with this person, and for some reason I don’t trust them to respectfully respond to my request. But if I don’t trust this person to respect my request enough to listen and try to find a win-win solution (one that meets both our needs), then that tells me a lot about my connection with them at that time.

Sometimes this might simply mean that it’s too soon to ask or share that piece of information with this person, and my fear is natural. There has not been enough time to build the trust necessary to safely share this piece of myself with this person. In that case, I can just acknowledge it, and let it be okay to wait until more time has passed and I do feel safe – even if that is weeks away. If I feel such urgency to share something that I am willing to override my sense of comfort and security, this is a sign that I am in a co-depending connection and feel that I must share to meet the other person’s need. I need to shift my focus from the needs of the other person back to me. If you do this, you will immediately feel less anxious and much more grounded.

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