In order for you to completely understand why you do what you do and what you can do to begin to think, and therefore, behave, differently, I’ve put together a kind of step-by-step flow of logic that will help your brain shift out of confused, stuck thinking and into rational, reasonable thoughts that will influence you to behave in ways that will enhance all aspects of your life. ’Cause, let’s face it, you know that some of the things you do aren’t the best choices, you may even have tried to stop or cut back or make some big lifestyle changes. But if you haven’t understood what’s really driving you to do those things in the first place, you can’t be successful for long, and instead will likely feel more stuck and hopeless rather than inspired and confident.

If you’re at all a believer in the concept that your thoughts create your reality, the following logic flow will help you to feel more solid and grounded in clear thinking. This means you will be confidently more present in the world and able to enjoy your food, drink, exercise, free time, and socializing more while being less likely to use any of those substances and behaviours to cope with stress or emotions such as anxiety, anger, insecurity or sadness.

The following is a list of basic premises you must accept in order to heal from any stressful patterns of thinking and behaving and live life to the fullest. I encourage you to read this over on a daily basis for a week and you’ll be amazed at the shifts that occur in your relationship with yourself and with others, with little or no effort on your part.

Premise #1:

Every human being has needs.

Having needs doesn’t make you “needy,” it makes you human. Anyone who has ever implied otherwise to you is someone who is simply uncomfortable with the vulnerability and dependence that the meeting of needs naturally requires. The greatest sense of peace, trust, and safety that a human being can experience in their lives comes from being able to trust in your ability to meet the majority of your own needs and from feeling confident in your right and ability to ask for others to help you meet your needs too. You are entitled to take care of yourself. You are entitled to ask for help. If someone says “no,” it doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask or that that person doesn’t care. Nor does it mean you won’t get that need met. It simply means it doesn’t work for that person, at that time, to meet your need.

Premise #2:

All humans, (whether they like to admit it or not) have the same needs overall and they need to be met in ascending order of priority to our survival.

Our needs for food, air, water and rest come first innately. Without these for any length of time and we’re going to suffer grave consequences, likely death. So naturally, these are the first priority.

Then come our needs for physical safety and security. By this we mean a safe, consistent place to live (we don’t move around a lot); no real or threatened harm to our physical safety or that of anyone we care about; and financial security.

The next natural priority is our need for emotional safety in our bonds with key people (primary caregivers, extended family, peers, teachers, community at large). In order for us to come out of our family of origin feeling confident in ourselves as lovable, worthy, and deserving beings, we need to see that the key people in our lives speak and behave towards us in ways that demonstrate respect, caring, kindness, and acceptance.

Then comes our need for positive self-regard, a.k.a self-esteem. Self-Esteem naturally flows from feeling safe and secure in our world and in our bonds with others. The extent to which we felt that sense of safety and security emotionally and physically will be the extent to which we see ourselves as lovable, capable, worthy human beings who are equal to all others.

And lastly, our needs for self-actualization, the realization of our full potential as a human being, must be met. Whatever our gifts or natural abilities are, the meeting of our lower level needs for physical wellness, emotional and physical security and self-esteem ensures that we have the strength and support to achieve them.

Premise #3:

Given that all people have these needs, whether they acknowledge it or like it or not, it naturally follows that these needs are natural and appropriate.

This means that your needs are not right or wrong or too much – they just are. The way you attempt to meet those needs may be effective or ineffective; life-enhancing or harmful, but the needs themselves cannot be judged as right or wrong with any rational mind. They are a natural part of being human.

Premise #4:

Anxiety is a natural and appropriate signal from within that we have needs that are not being met.

Whenever any of our natural, basic human needs are not met, our senses send a chemical signal through our body to bring our attention to this need. We humans call this signal: Anxiety. Thus, when we feel anxious it is a statement from our instincts that some need is not being met. In our culture we have been taught to judge anxiety as bad or ourselves as “over-sensitive” or having an “anxiety disorder” when we are anxious often or when we are anxious in inconvenient circumstances. In truth, your anxiety is trying to get your attention and tell you that something isn’t feeling right.

Premise #5:

The appropriate human response to this sensation of anxiety is to stop and identify the situation that has triggered an unmet need then take appropriate action to meet that need. In so doing you will return, as quickly and effortlessly as possible to a state of peace.

This state of peace is your indicator that your needs are met in that moment. We could therefore say that anytime you are feeling anything other than peaceful, it is an indicator that you have unmet needs. This awareness of peace as an indicator of met needs and anxiety as an indicator of unmet needs makes it much easier for you to identify when things are going well and when you need to take some action to resolve some problem.

Premise #6:

Your naturally occurring unmet needs will trigger you to have a thought that will naturally trigger an emotional response which naturally triggers you to behave in some way that meets that need or that help you to tune out to the awareness that you have an unmet need.

Thus, it can be asserted that our needs naturally trigger a sensation within us, I call it ‘the niggle.’ This niggle can be a slight feeling that something is up, such as we might experience if we’re a little hungry or need to return a phone call sometime that evening. It can also feel like full blown panic if someone or something is cutting off our airway for example.

The key point here again is that if we are feeling anything other than peaceful it is an indicator that we have needs that aren’t being met. This niggle is meant to be instantly acknowledged by us and acted on so that our need gets met quickly and we feel peaceful again.

The triggering need and corresponding niggle will naturally trigger a thought (“Something is up”). The way we then assess (think about) the stressful situation and our ability to handle it well, becomes the story we tell ourselves about whether our need will get met or not and what we need to do to meet it.

This story about our ability to get that need met naturally triggers an emotion (anxiety, anger, sadness, joy), which naturally triggers a behavioural reaction: We, like all other humans on the planet, are meant to do something to meet that need.

Premise #7:

If the behavioural reaction we choose actually meets the need we feel peaceful and experienced an enhanced sense of trust in ourselves and heightened self-esteem. If the behavioural reaction we chose did not meet our need we will typically respond in one of two ways:

1. If we have high self-esteem we will naturally feel some frustration that our efforts were unsuccessful but we will trust that there is a solution and that we are capable of finding it. We will seek to understand what it was that didn’t work and find an alternative solution either on our own or with help from others. In other words, we don’t give up. We aren’t ashamed to admit we don’t know all the answers and we freely ask for help. We keep looking for a solution until we know we have exhausted all possibilities. Then we grieve, accept the situation and move on. It does not undermine our overall sense of ourselves as a good, worthwhile, competent human being.

1. If our self-confidence is lacking and we doubt our “okay-ness” we have less likelihood of seeking help outside ourselves and therefore, of finding the most effective and simple solution. In other words, we don’t want to admit we aren’t “perfect;” that we don’t know something or that we couldn’t figure it out and thus we make things 10 times harder than they need to be. This resistance to admitting our needs and to asking for help; to being vulnerable and dependent on another, leads to a greater level of anxiety and distress (often growing into depression) as our needs go unmet and our judgement of ourselves and our fears of being judged by others grow.

It is likely, in this fearful frame of mind, that we have told ourselves that there was only one solution to the meeting of our need, the one we tried first, and it didn’t work. Therefore, we will naturally feel increasingly anxious and frantic as not only do we still have the initial unmet need to contend with but now we have a story, repeating in our brain, that we “tried and failed,” “WE failed.” This story is naturally triggering increasing feelings of fear and sadness (which often manifest themselves as anger towards others or towards ourselves.)

If the need goes unmet for long enough, or is a lower level need for emotional or physical security, or food, air, water or rest, and thus imperative to our sense of overall security and well-being in the world, we will begin to feel overwhelmed by the chronic sensations of anxiety. We will get stuck in a loop of stories of impending doom and failure, triggering more anxiety (and, if longstanding, depression), which triggers increasingly ineffective behavioural responses to help us cope with the anxiety that we feel unable to relieve completely.

Recall that thoughts trigger emotions which trigger a behavioural response. These thoughts can be rational or irrational and our corresponding behavioural response can be helpful or harmful to our overall well-being.

Premise #8

When we feel fearful of asking for help and feel anxious because we feel stuck in our efforts to meet our needs, we begin to try to distance ourselves from our lives and from others who might judge or reject us “if they really knew us.” To do this we naturally engage in harmful coping strategies such as alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, binge eating, dieting, gambling, sex addiction, relationship addiction, raging, overspending, and physical abuse among others.

If we are thinking irrationally, we get stuck in a “learned helplessness loop” where we believe that: Because we were unsuccessful in our initial attempt(s) to solve our problem and meet our needs, there is no solution.

Therefore, we believe that we just have to try and cope with the situation and the feelings it triggers. We devise psychological, emotional and physical strategies to distract us from the situation and the anxiety it is naturally and appropriately distressing us.

We give up on any long term solution and settle for short term relief/preoccupation/distraction. The old problem remains and now we have a new one too which usually has ramifications on our physical, emotional and mental health as well as on our finances and relationships.

These harmful coping strategies trigger unmet needs of their own because of the harm we do to ourselves physically and emotionally, and often, to others through these behaviours. This triggers even more thoughts of helplessness and an even greater sense of distress and stuck-ness, triggering a faster and faster return to the harmful coping behaviour each time and creating greater and greater anxiety and unmet needs overall.

This explains why, whenever you’ve tried in the past to stop a certain behaviour that you know isn’t good for you, you end up doing it more! If you haven’t identified the underlying needs you were seeking to meet through that behaviour in the first place and they are still unmet and you’ll still need to use your coping behaviour, regardless of your best intentions. It’s just that simple.

You have got to have some solution in place to meet the original unmet needs before you can successfully take away the behaviour or substance that you’ve been using to cope with the stress that those needs create. You can’t just exchange one coping behaviour for another and expect to be successful in relieving your anxiety or depressed feelings.

Premise #9:

In contrast the assumption we live from when we think rationally is: There is a solution, and if I can’t find it, I simply need to find someone to help.

Regardless of how it may seem, it is true that there is a solution to your problem in all but the most dire situations (terminal illness for example) but even in this case, thinking rationally we can accept the reality of the circumstance, “I have a terminal illness,” and then set about finding solutions to enhance the quality of life we have left.

If we are thinking clearly, and we were unsuccessful in our attempt to meet a need, we naturally do one of 3 things:

Either reassess our initial strategy to see if it will work if implemented in a different way;

• Try a different approach altogether;
• Or ask for help/guidance.

One way or another, the problem gets solved. We do not undermine our self-esteem by telling ourselves WE are failures. This is a learning experience. We learn the lesson and move on. As long as we are learning from our life experiences, we are doing life right!

Premise #10:

Therefore, when you have been taught to think in a learned helplessness way and not in a confident, self-trusting way, you will naturally engage in harmful patterns of behaviour such as: overeating, dieting, overspending, procrastinating, isolation, and compromising yourself for others. These are some of the most common coping strategies that humans will turn to to help them numb out from stressful situations.

Because of our life experiences as young people when our needs for emotional or physical security weren’t met, rather than looking for helpful solutions when we have a problem, we kick in to learned helplessness thinking which triggers more stress and greater anxiety and ultimately an inappropriate/unsuccessful behavioural solution.

So, there you have it! A clear, step by step understanding of why you (and others) do what they do, even when they know they want to stop.

Reminding yourself of this as you go through your day to day life and see yourself engaging in any harmful behaviour, or feeling anything other than peaceful, is the first and most important step in creating deep and lasting change.

I am a firm believer in moderation. I know firsthand from my own binge eating disorder and use of other harmful coping strategies, that once you’re able to identify ways to meet your needs that truly solve the problem, you’ll be able to engage in eating any food, anywhere, anytime, or having some drinks, or going shopping, or having challenging conversations without losing your grip and slipping into old extremes. Instead you’ll be able to feel trusting of yourself to handle situations with respect and dignity for all parties, first and foremost, yourself.

There are some simple tools and strategies that you can add to this newfound understanding that will lead to significant change in longstanding problems within just a few weeks.

If you’re an individual client of The CEDRIC Centre or a member of our web based program you’re already learning what’s really triggering you and what you can do about it. If you’d like to learn more, please visit email me @ mmorand@cedriccentre.com.

Love

This article was originally published in the December 2011 edition of Encompass Magazine.

Today I had the experience of educating a group of 160 nursing students on The CEDRIC Method. Now, that in and of itself is rather frickin’ cool! Getting to educate up-and-coming front line health care providers on a respectful, simple, effective way of perceiving and supporting their clients who may struggle with eating disorders or substance abuse issues is an incredible honour. Period. That’s a pretty cool day.

But, it gets better!

It was at a college that I went to many years ago. At that time I was a grade 10 drop out. A pot smoking, binging, isolating, depressed, anxious, insecure, totally – and I mean to-ta-leee – codependent young woman who couldn’t make eye contact with anyone without breaking out in hives!

I used to literally slink onto campus, keep my head down in class and try not to interact any more than necessary with any other students.

I could relate to the teachers amazingly well – even was asked and agreed to attend staff functions (aka pub crawls!) from time to time. But I felt so totally fat, gross, and just plain geeky with my peers (aka the cool people), that I didn’t make one friend in 4 years. Not one.

I remember how my brain used to immediately attach to how fat my stomach was, how many rolls I had, how my pants were size 16 or 14 or 12 or whatever they were during that time – they weren’t a size 2 like some other girls. Those size 2 girls were smart and pretty and worth getting to know. I, on the other hand, was fat. Which at that time, in my mind meant: stupid, ugly, lazy, and unworthy of taking up space on the planet. That’s how I thought anyway.

I wasn’t a whole lot of fun to hang around with to say the least, if you could actually get me to make and then follow through on a commitment in the first place, which was highly unlikely.

Group projects? Not good.  Of course, no one else would do as good a job as me, so I was instantly resentful that I had to depend on anyone for any part of my mark. And then the fact that I actually had to interact with my peers! Come on! Just burn me at the stake and get it over with!!

I wasn’t really a very happy person. But perhaps you guessed that already?

I was a reliable worker – it actually never occurred to me not to be. I had to show up on time, work hard – harder than anyone else because I was fat. I had to stay a little longer and make sure the boss knew it, or I’d get fired because…well, because I was fat.

I actually liked working because the boundaries were clear. I knew exactly what was expected of me, I didn’t have to socialize – in fact it was frowned upon so I could freely judge those who gossiped and chatted about their night or their romantic issues or lack thereof. I was definitely doing alright in the self-righteousness department that’s for sure. Which actually really means I was doing great at feeling so insecure that I couldn’t feel good about myself if anyone else had anything good about them. Not a really stable or happy place to be.

Any who, I digress….

Today, I parked my car (which I love and have dreamed of having since I was 10!) and, after paying for parking (only $3.00 for 2 hours I noted happily– in Vancouver it would have been $15!!) I retrieved my presentation materials.  I headed for the building where I was meant to present this class, which just happened to be my very favorite building of my entire educational career!

It’s a lovely old building with great character and fond memories – my favorite math teacher taught me how to enjoy math in that building; my favorite anthropology teacher taught me about evolutionary anthropology in that building – never mind that I failed one of the tests, I loved the subject so much I didn’t care – (and for my 99%! Why didn’t I get 100? – self – that was saying something!).

The building had lots of nooks and crannies and I’d hole up in one to study between classes. I loved that building!

As I was rolling my favorite little briefcase on wheels along the campus grounds, I knew I was making a truckload of noise. The little wheels are hard plastic and on the bumpy concrete with tall concrete buildings all around it sounded akin to a 747 during take-off!  And what do you know? I was totally at ease.

I felt this sense of peace and ease, a sense of excitement for sure but a sense of “I have a right to be, to take up space, to make a little noise, to make eye contact, to smile, to make small talk even; I am equal to you, you are equal to me. Ain’t it grand!?”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel and think this as a natural state and have for quite some time in my life. But this place was a place where my most common experience was feeling small and dirty and bad and wrong and geeky and stupid – so, I think you could say that the contrast in how I felt today was amazing.

I had a flashback then, as I wheeled noisily along, I recalled me, hiding in a corner of that old fabulous building, dreaming of being recovered; dreaming of helping others; dreaming of teaching others how to help people recover from eating disorders; dreaming of feeling confident and secure in my own skin; of being loved by a wonderful man whom I loved equally; having a family (that I loved and wanted!); having friends that I felt truly loved and safe with; having a life!!; oh and did I mention dreaming about not binging every bloomin’ day!? And of feeling secure in my body and truly comfortable in my own skin? I am sure that world peace and an end to global warming were in there too but those were the things that stood out to me today as I rumbled along.

I have all those things now.

I pause for tears of joy to flow.

I have created my ideal life. And I did it, not by binging and focusing on how fat and gross I was or how unworthy I was or by believing that everyone else was better than me.

I did it by reminding myself every time I felt anxious and insecure that I had been trained to have flawed thinking; I had been trained, by some fairly confused people who were desperately insecure themselves, how to be in the world. That means my training and therefore, my thinking was flawed. I couldn’t trust it. And if I wanted to feel and behave like a confident person who had a right to take up space and was equal to everyone else, I had to stop behaving like those people who taught be how to be a perfect f’d up codependent.

I reminded myself that I couldn’t trust my perception of things, nor did I want to just trust everyone else’s – there’s a lot of people out there who had similar training to myself! Therefore, I had to find myself one or two people whom I had good reason to believe had their heads screwed on straight and I had to let them be my guide. I had to commit to deferring to them when I was confused about how to handle a situation or was feeling anxious or insecure. Reminding myself that I knew my training and approach to life was flawed and had never helped me to feel more secure, only less.

Soon I realized that there were some very basic concepts about being happy and secure as a human being and that if I focussed on mastering those, everything else would come.

So that’s what I did.

I focussed on mastering the concepts of:

• Practicing good self-care: Eating well and reasonable amounts, exercising moderately, getting good rest, hydration, and feeling confident in my right to say no to others if anything they are asking of me doesn’t meet my needs or fit with my values. This is both the core element of true self-esteem and its outcome. It’s a reciprocal cycle. The more I take care of myself and set boundaries with others, the more strong and adult and secure and clear about my rights I feel, and the easier it gets to take care of myself and set boundaries with others and so on and so on and so on to happiness, peace, passion and fulfillment.

• I have just as much of a right to take up space as everyone else.

My opinions are just as important as anyone else’s.

• If I make a mistake or am wrong about something I am not stupid or bad or forever flawed, I am simply wrong about that thing or made a mistake. I can apologize. I can learn and do things differently/better the next time around. I am deserving of forgiveness and a second chance. And if the folks I’m around don’t get that and can’t forgive; or feel the need to judge me or put me down I can tell them that’s not okay, “That doesn’t meet my needs for trust or safety or respect,” and give them a chance to apologize to me themselves. If they don’t I can separate from them and find people who get that life is for learning, mistakes will happen, and that it’s whether I learn from them and grow that makes my life purposeful and well-lived.

• My responsibility is to my own needs and feelings first – period.

This is the blueprint for a healthy, rationally thinking, balanced, peaceful, happy, passionate and fulfilled being.

There is nothing on this list that you can’t have, do or be with a little practice and a willingness to acknowledge that your training in how to be a good human was facilitated by disciples of the Spanish Inquisition School of Humanity!

My self-imposed role in your life is to help you to get to this place of true peace and fulfillment as quickly as possible.

Whether you binge or purge or restrict or use alcohol or drugs or spending or isolating or relationship obsession to manage your stress and keep yourself numb and preoccupied, I’m here to help you through. All of these patterns stem from the same place and therefore, one approach will show you how to overcome any and all of these patterns that might be in your life or the lives of people you care about.

I had a very precious moment today as I was gifted with an opportunity to fully realize that my little girl dreams had come true.

My wish is that every one of you reading this will, one day, if you don’t already, feel exactly the way I do today and know that you created it. You made it happen. It’s yours. It’s not a fluke; and no one can take it from you. You are safe. You are secure. You are worthy of love and acceptance from yourself and others. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect by yourself and others at all times. You are loved.

Love,

Those of you who have worked with the CEDRIC Core Beliefs booklet are probably familiar with these stages, but seeing as how June is ‘Natural Eating’ month, we thought that you might enjoy a quick reminder to help you grab the nutshell of where you are in your process, right in this moment, taken from our Natural Eating booklet.

1) Unconscious Incompetence: Something isn’t working in your life, but you are not aware of what it is or that anything could be done to change it. You may be looking to others or things outside of yourself as the source of your current difficulties

2) Conscious Incompetence: You are aware that you are not functioning well, but you do not know what to change about your behaviour. This can be an extremely scary and frustrating stage, but it also opens the door for you to take action to change your patterns. Clearly, until you know it isn’t working in your life, you are powerless to change it.

3) Conscious Competence: After becoming aware of your problem, you have sought some expert advice. You now have some tools to change your behaviour. Your conscious effort is required to replace old unhealthy habits, with new healthy ones. You are actively working at this stage and it can feel laborious. Therefore, it is important to seek motivation in the small signs of progress you’ll be seeing, rather than focussing on your end goal, which may seem far away at this stage.

4) Unconscious Competence: You have the tools. Thanks to all of your awareness and effort, your behaviour has changed. You don’t even have to think about what to do. The new, healthy behaviour has replaced the old unhealthy one, and it is now second nature.

Where are do you find yourself in your process of change?

Consider taking the time, this summer, for some group process as CEDRIC’s Transformative Weekend Workshops take off, the good news is that there’s still time to sign up. Join with others who share your journey to identify steps to your process that are ideally suited to you. For more on CEDRIC’s Transformative Weekend Workshops with Michelle Morand, please click HERE.

Tina Budeweit-Weeks is a member of the CEDRIC Success Team in the role of staff writer and executive assistant for Michelle Morand. Her philosophy has always been one of self-nurturance and dignity. In support of the complex difficulties clients may experience around regaining a healthy balance, Tina’s writing is designed to sympathize, support, encourage and inform. Although there are many similarities in Tina’s process, she is not a client, but a hard working, behind-the-scenes member of the team, dedicated to helping the CEDRIC Centre stay current and effective.

Yuppers, that’s what I said, your Drill Sgt. can be happily on vacation in Mexico in 24 hours, leaving you at home to peacefully and contentedly practice life-enhancing coping strategies and self-care. And I’m not talking about trying to talk yourself into loving yourself as you are or about settling for being the weight and shape that you are now.

So, what am I talking about? I’m talking about integrity. Integrity means that your words and actions are in alignment. You want to know the secret to happiness? It’s integrity. You want to know the secret to feeling peaceful and content in your body; in your relationships; in your career; etc?

It’s integrity: Words and Actions Aligning.

You do what you say you will. And not just to others, but first and foremost to yourself. That’s where most of us who feel controlled by food and loathing of our bodies stumble; integrity with ourselves. We’re all over taking care of others and honoring our commitments outwardly at all costs.

We could be on our death bed but we’re dragging our sorry little butts to work or out for that coffee date with our friend because we said we would and we don’t want them to be angry or disappointed in us. We’re so afraid of the potential of losing someone’s approval and respect we’ll do anything even, and frequently so, compromise our own needs for respect or rest or consideration etc.

Yes, from the outside we appear to be these amazing people who have it so together. We are super beings who can do it all and then some. From the inside however we feel totally fraudulent; a complete sham; and completely fearful of being discovered for the big phony we are. This creates great anxiety and what do we do when we feel anxious? We beat up on our bodies or we eat or we restrict etc. Not very helpful and certainly not very full of integrity. We put ourselves out there as these confident together people but our words within and the actions we engage in when we’re alone belie a different story: We are frightened; we are overwhelmed; we hate ourselves for being so; and we feel compelled to drink, toke, eat, restrict, purge, shop, or clean to take the focus off our anxiety and to numb out, if only for a moment.

When our primary focus is on obtaining the approval of others because we believe that we will finally then be able to feel safe and secure in the world and be able to feel confident in ourselves and our right to be and to take up space, we are unfortunately, chronically insecure. You see, if I am giving you the power to decide whether I am worthy and acceptable I am at the mercy of you and I’d better hope and pray that you’re a nice person who is healthy and balanced, who doesn’t engage in guilt trips or manipulation, who doesn’t think that their needs are more important than mine but sees that we’re both equally important.

I’d better hope that you truly want what’s best for me even if that means that you don’t always get what you want. If you’re not that ideal, healthy, interdependent person I’m in big doo doo. Because you’re going to take advantage of my desperate need for your approval and have me doing far more than my 50% share of the work in our relationship. That’s going to make me feel even more anxious and overwhelmed, hypervigilant and hypersensitive, and even worse about myself. Which will make me even more fearful of losing your approval which will make me work even harder and feel more overwhelmed when you’re still not giving me the love and approval I seek.

Clearly there is no sanity and no safety in looking outside of ourselves for validation and acceptance if we aren’t first able to authentically validate and accept ourselves. The only safe place to enter into any sort of relationship is from a solid sense of yourself as competent, capable, worthwhile, special and deserving of dignity and respect. If you don’t believe that about yourself and treat yourself that way first and foremost you’ll not be able to trust that you are entitled to that from others. And again, you’ll find yourself connected often to those people who are only too happy to take advantage of the fact that you’ll compromise yourself to make them happy. Not a recipe for peace and joy.

So, what the heck does this all have to do with body image, you say? Well, back to integrity, when your words and actions are in alignment you just don’t hear from that 24/7 critical inner voice. You just experience silence, peace.

Words and actions aligning looks like saying to yourself: “I’m not going to spend time with Mellisa again, she is always criticizing me and others.” – and you don’t cave and agree to coffee the next time she calls, nor do you make some sort of excuse “I think I’m coming down with something” to avoid a courageous conversation. It also looks like saying to yourself : “I’m going to exercise 3 times this week and slowly reduce the amount of processed and refined carbs I have in my diet each day” – and then witnessing yourself following through on that commitment.

In this way you will immediately begin to experience a quieting of that Drill Sgt. and develop a strong sense of trust in yourself as someone who will put her needs first; someone who will not put herself in situations where she feels disrespected or compromised.

Take a few minutes now and ask yourself the following questions:

1. Where in my role as a friend do I say one thing and do another – even in my own mind?

2. What about my role as a parent? Employee? Volunteer? Partner?

3. What about in my role in my relationship with myself? Where here do I say one thing and do another? Even in such small ways as saying you’ll do the dishes and then leaving them in the sink overnight?

4. What could I do in each of these areas of my life to have a stronger sense of integrity; of trust in myself to do what I say and say what I do?

5. What might prevent me from taking action on these things?

Once you’ve taken a good clear look at the ways that you trigger the Drill Sgt. in you, you’re able to begin to make a plan for coming from a stronger place of integrity.

This is super duper important to you because I guarantee you that when you’re able to do this you will feel far far less anxious overall and your judgements about your body will practically cease and…..here’s the best part… your need to use food (or anything else, for that matter) to cope will stop.

Done like dinner!

If you would like help in learning how to remove any barriers to your acting with integrity and to quieting your personal Drill Sgt. once and for all, please send me an email. We can arrange for a one on one session or sign you up for our next amazing weekend workshop where you will get a 3 day dose of new tools and practice that will forever release you from food and body image stress.

I welcome your sharing.

Love Michelle.

Exercising my right to get off the couch

I’m in my portable office that contains a bench in the sun in a hidden corner of Saxe Point with my archaic alternative technology, namely my book and pen. My bike is parked behind me with my digital camera, a sweating, cold bottle of  fresh water rounding out my ensemble. A huge military helicopter rumbles by slowly, competing with the birds as I write.  My intention was to ponder the question ‘What makes me tick?’ as I rode.  I am at that place in my evolution that its high time that I ask myself that very good question.

These days, as I process CEDRIC’s philosophies and tools, as I gain experience applying them to the ups and downs of my life, I’m changing, evolving, refining and in the course of that, so are the factors that comprise what makes me who I am. For instance, I’ve changed my name, my career, my home and my life almost 10o% in the past year. That tells me that I know who and what I’m not any more, but what AM I? What stirs my crank? Gets me going? Gets me motivated?

What makes me tick?

The big M word (Motivation)  is the key, I think – what can I get excited enough about that it stirs me to action- to get off the couch or out of my comfort zone, which has been pretty cerebral and not a lot physical.

The weather has changed for the better and I’m back on my bike. I’m lumbering back to health, one pedal at a time. When I’m eliminating ‘snacks’ and the associative vernacular, I’m having small, healthy meals instead. The natural course of events that follows is that I tire of being inside when the weather is so sweet at last. I’ve lost patience with myself and feel haunted by the spectre of a shortened life because I chose to be voluntarily hobbled while I still had the chance to move or lose it.

I live in one of the top cycling cities in Canada and I have cycled since I was 3.  I love the smells of people’s gardens as I pass their carefully tended flowering trees and the forest roads that we are famous for here. I squeak and grunt and groan on my bike and feel much more alive than I ever do anywhere else. If the sight of this ungainly, poundly, pumping body rolling along beside the cars of the skinny offends them… I have to remember that I was put on this Earth, not to live up to the expectations of others, but to my own and I don’t judge myself based on what space I displace.  Nor will I apologize for taking up space.  Now I’m going to own the space I take up. Square my shoulders, lift my chin and pedal my hiney all over town.

I laughed as the idea grew in my pedalling mind to begin a blog for chubby women who still love to ride bikes. Maybe we can start our own club here in town. The Red Helmet ladies or something. Want to join me?

I read a quote just today along the lines of self-nurturance. It said that if we let outside influences dictate what our requirements are, then we stay in a mortal mindset, but when we delineate our requirements from within, we become like gods. It seemed to make sense, as I sat there, basking in a breath-taking panorama, enjoying my stimulating bike ride and pondering my question of the day.

So I pose the same question to those of you sharing this CEDRIC journey, given your experience with Michelle’s counsel, CEDRIC’s philosophy and the tools you’ve adapted to accomodate your challenges. What makes you tick?

Michelle Morand has a few workshops coming up this year. Summer is such a pretty time here in Victoria. Maybe a few of us can take the Phase 1 together and cycle to and from the event, together? Find out more about the Transformative Workshops that allows Michelle to convey much more, and deliver it much deeper with her gentle but intensive group dynamics.

Tina Budeweit-Weeks is a member of the CEDRIC Success Team in the role of staff writer and executive assistant for Michelle Morand. Her philosophy has always been one of self-nurturance and dignity. In support of the complex difficulties clients may experience around regaining a healthy balance, Tina’s writing is designed to sympathize, support, encourage and inform. Although there are many similarities in Tina’s process, she is not a client, but a hard working, behind-the-scenes member of the team, dedicated to helping the CEDRIC Centre stay current and effective.

The thing about having an issue with weight is that it translates to an issue with food. This relationship is something that is mismanaged and misunderstood by the best of them, but when you are dealing with personal challenges, the relationship gets even more murky.

There are so many opinions in the western world for the person who is having self esteem issues around the fact that they are considered overweight or are gaining weight.

There just as many options as there are opinions for the person who is dealing with this and they come from all sides as our culture invests a fortune in keeping the superficial issue of body image in the forefront of the collective consciousness.

We have people on tv, in white coats, claiming to be specialists. They give us the gears for being hefty by informing the population that we are ‘less than’ if we don’t buy their plan for salvation, hook, line and sinker. We hear about Food for nurturing and Food for self numbing as an opiate. Martha Stewart tells us that we need to be making the meals pleasing to the eye, Rachel Ray says we should be making four course meals in half an hour to measure up. Even Oprah, who is a cultural icon in today’s world, has her own kitchen staff that includes a world class chef so she has NO idea what she’s eating as she’s passed that on to her dietitian and yet her weight STILL has more ups and downs than a staircase.

How can a little person from small town wherever, with shoelaces for a budget, compete? How can we get away from the constant berating that we are living with a ‘problem’ and if we aren’t constantly doing something about our ‘problem’, we may as well move to the Tennessee Ozarks into a decrepit trailer park right now. Its bad enough that the reality is our bodies need food for fuel and three times a day or more, we better gas up or we won’t have to worry about it, we’d be dead! How does one address mealtime without confusion when messages are coming at us from everywhere with an opinion of how to think?

As a person with a lotta heft in my left, a lotta junk in my trunk, I take offence at the skinny mini diatribe that besieges me constantly. I don’t WANT to be skinny. My loving hubby doesn’t want a stick. I just want to know what is safe to eat and do while keeping a quality of life that is nurturing and gentle to me. Michelle says that food is not the problem and that we should unearth what it is in us that is the real issue that sends us running to food for a crutch.

I can’t argue with that as in my case, she’s right, but now I’m not running any more. I use food as fuel for sure, but I also eat only what I want, what I crave, what is available at the moment if its not too big a common sense compromise and I stay within boundaries of freshness, proximity to home, organic standards rather than the old days where I would starve all day to eat anything all night, undiscerning between dingdongs and other fattening treats, to fried foods and snack products that have no nutritional quality whatsoever.

In spite of changing so drastically, now that I’m informed, I’m still not losing weight. So what’s up with that?

I am coming to realize that the shifts that have occurred in me are bringing about change, but it’s long term, behavioural change and that means the results will be taking long term to come about as well. This isn’t the ’24 pounds in 24 days’ gimmick; this isn’t some pie in the sky grapefruit and cabbage diet that will yoyo me back and forth through the sizes in my wardrobe. This is a long slow curve that will organically turn me around slowly as I begin to address the need I have to be patient and gentle with myself.

I’ve had harsh judgement and hard times, I’ve been shot, robbed, molested and lied to.  Now, I have to turn my back on my need to be nurtured and follow the tenets of ‘no pain, no gain?’ I don’t think so.

In fact, I’ve been thinking…  Why IS the diet industry so heartless towards us? Is it in the guise of ‘tough love’ or is it just that patriarchal need to be an authoritative force to motivate us off the couch because we are so fat that the chub is also between our ears and we don’t hear so good unless you’re yelling or berating us.

Case in point are the tv shows that pit people against one another in the ruse of losing the most weight. For days, morbidly obese people are filmed morning, noon and night wearing little more than a spandex jumpsuit in gawdy colours, forced to do unthinkably difficult tasks much to the entertainment and enjoyment of a slim and trim, uber critical audience that must figure as long as we’re pointing fingers at the fatties, no one will notice the cellulite secrets they hide under their girdles.

Not only do the contestants of these shows have to run themselves to the edge of death in order to lose the most weight, but they are also pitted against one another in alliances and secret arrangements that erupt when emotions are stretched to their limits. I’m surprised that these contestants don’t commit suicide in droves, they take so much verbal abuse on top of the humiliation of knowing that millions of viewers watch their bellies jiggle weekly.

To be honest, I began watching these shows out of initial curiosity from my natural sociological stance, but I soon found out that the experience was a little like witnessing traffic accidents. Each participant becomes the victim of her own intentions as they allow constant crap and abuse to belittle and diminish them in mind and spirit under the lame excuse that it would help decrease their girth.

I admit that watching people exercise while I sit on the couch with my sliced mango, stinky cheese and nut plate is far more fun than being in the front of those invasive cameras and a way for me to say to myself, see… that’s how NOT to do it… and this is how TO do it. (As long as somewhere in my day, I manage to disengage from the comfortable furniture to eject myself outdoors to do a bit of adventuring in the fresh air.)

I can’t support any process that isn’t gentle to me. Now, ‘Staying in the love’ is the mantra that helps me to judge whether something is for me or not. I’ve gotten to the point that ideally, i f I must suffer or sacrifice in order to manifest something into my life, then I take that as a signal to self assess why I am overriding my main intention, to be good to my self.

This is me, as I say time and again, your mileage may differ.

I’ve thought about this cultural acceptance thing a lot these past months. Its been frustrating as I picked up the CEDRIC principles and started applying them to my life because I wasn’t seeing immediate physical results. That really messed with me, as I have been diligent, moved through my life with integrity- to myself and to others, utilizing the coping skills I’ve learned, and still I strain to put on my socks with my poor squished organs groaning under the pressure of ribs without enough room, due to pudge. I want to lose weight, I want to fit in chairs, I want to fly without the imminent threat of thrombosis from getting scrunched into tiny seats without being able to move for hours.  But I don’t want it if I am going to have to experience one more effing hardship.

This means that changes aren’t going to come overnight. They didn’t pack on overnight, after all.

I suggest that staying in the love is critical.  Feed yourself in ways that feel right and responsible for you. Eat fresh, eat lots of leafy green and whole nuts and grains, stay away from artificial ingredients, sugars, refined foods and fried things. Eat till you’re full, eat when you’re hungry and stay in the love. And hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

I haven’t felt a hunger pang that has sent me packin to the snackin since November. Even when faced with trials and tribulations that used to drive me to the snack aisle or worse, the liquor store, I’ve managed to pull out my shiny, wise, newly acquired coping tools and slay that weakening willpower almost effortlessly. I don’t WANT junk in me.

I’m going to persevere.  I KNOW that as the weather improves and I ride my bike more, I will finally see what I truly crave, the return of my healthy, whole self. The mind has trimmed up, the rear is always the last to go.  But know that once one begins the journey that is loving oneself as one is losing, if you are anything like me at all (human, mortal, alive) your hungers will indeed take a permanent holiday.

ps. I realize that the issue of Hunger is very real. The world has people who are struggling to get enough to eat and I don’t use the word disparagingly.  In seeking a graphic to illustrate this article, I google-imaged the word and was reminded that many don’t make it due to the simple need of having enough to live on.

It also reminded me that many might not have the fiscal resources to acquire Michelle Morand’s book, or to take advantage of the Web Program we are developing, or to come in for workshops or counselling sessions… but take heart, as over the next year, ‘Food is not the problem’ will be the theme for my articles and even without the book, follow my ‘Tina’s Journey’ thread, here and in the CEDRIC newsletter (Food is NOT the problem- Find out what is!) to travel through the exercises and processes along with me. Computers are freely available in local libraries so the technology IS available to anyone who desires staying in touch.

There are many hungers,  and this article outlines a different kind of hunger, that is, a yearning that becomes a hole needing to be filled, no matter what, no matter how, when we are broken and hurting. CEDRIC suggests that once you have healed that emptiness inside, the rest will follow.

Having a social conscience is a part of being whole and I strive, when I can, to make a difference in the world by volunteering. The issues I choose to support aren’t always about hunger but they are about giving the marginalized a leg up or helping young women realize their full potential, starting with body image.

I’m kicking my old ways of coping to the curb, giving hunger a permanent holiday.

Tina Budeweit-Weeks is a member of the CEDRIC Success Team in the role of staff writer and executive assistant for Michelle Morand. Her philosophy has always been one of self-nurturance and dignity. In support of the complex difficulties clients may experience around regaining a healthy balance, Tina’s writing is designed to sympathize, support, encourage and inform. Although there are many similarities in Tina’s process, she is not a client, but a hard working, behind-the-scenes member of the team, dedicated to helping the CEDRIC Centre stay current and effective.

So who are we to be left in the dust of an evolving cultural phenomenon?

Do you Twitter? If you do, add the CedricCentre and be alerted when new blog posts, and hot off the presses copies of our newsletter ‘Food is not the problem ~ Find out what is!’ hits the media waves. We promise to not clutter up your technology with useless bits of fluff, and would love it if you stayed in touch via this clever little means of communication.

Have you twittered today?

We have!

As I write this, it’s beautifully sunny outside and warming up. Yay!!

My dear friend Mark is planning to come and visit from a far away warm and sunny place but he won’t come until it’s warm enough to wear shorts!!! Says he doesn’t even own a pair of long pants! Can you believe it!!?? So, I’m hoping the warm weather comes soon. I’ll let you know when he arrives as that’s a sure indicator that summer is here.   Mark is a great spiritual teacher for me and I always learn so much about myself in his presence so no doubt I’ll have lots to share about my own personal process in the next few months.

I just wanted to check in with you ladies and gents and see how your inner feedback balancing was going.  Who has taken up the challenge? How are you doing with it? (Don’t have a clue what I’m talking about? Check out this link and start to heal your negative self-talk and all or nothing thinking!)

If you haven’t started the exercise even though you read the article ask yourself “what’s creating the procrastination?”. Is it true that you don’t need to enhance your ability to allow authentic feedback on both sides of the equation (positive and “constructive”)?  Is it true you don’t have time today to take 10 minutes to write out things you’re grateful for from your past/present and future?  Is it true that you can’t begin to allow yourself the constructive feedback you feel is true while also offering yourself gentle reminders of what is working in your life?

Ask yourself what may be preventing you from taking this next step in your healing of your use of food to cope?

Chances are, it’s an all or nothing story that when brought to light is easily debunked! Don’t let those old bogus stories of how you don’t have time or how it won’t work for you. Don’t listen to the Drill Sergeant who says you need so much more help than this little tool can offer so there’s no point in doing anything. Don’t let these initial hazards stop you from taking the next step on your path to healing.

It’s the all or nothing thinking that keeps you stuck using food to cope. Don’t let that old harmful mindset be the thing that drives the show and prevents you from moving forward. Remember dear old Einstein said “The same mind that created the problem can not be used to solve it!” And don’t leave it up to your old all or nothing mindset to determine whether there is any point in you using a new tool to help you overcome your restriction or your binging or purging.

Let me know how it goes!

Love Michelle

Make a quick little list of these three categories (past, present and future things you’re grateful for) and just allow yourself to carry it with you over the next week. Look at it each day and let yourself acknowledge that, even though you have patterns of behaviour (ie. food stress) that are harmful and that you would like to be rid of (and one day soon you will be!) there are things in your life that are positive and that are indicators of your inner beauty and deservedness.

Allow yourself to balance your inner feedback. If you’re offering yourself a criticism or a judgement right now, make sure you acknowledge whatever you see as the truth of that judgment (in other words don’t try and talk yourself out of your judgment if it feels true for you) and then offer yourself another truth from the list of things you’re grateful for.

Balance that feedback and you’ll begin to see your all or nothing thinking lessening and thus, your use of food to cope diminishing as well.

Have a beautiful day, inside and out.

Love Michelle