In a rational, functional relationship with food, what you are physically hungry for is what you are ‘allowed’ to have. And the only one who ‘allows’ you is you. Not the other people you’re eating with; Not Jenny Craig; Not Dr. Bernstein; You!

Your primary responsibility where food is concerned is to wait until you are hungry to eat something. Your next responsibility is to learn to stay present while eating and to identify and listen to the cues of comfortable fullness you are eating naturally.  You are not responsible to buy into anyone else’s ideas of what you should have or how much.

What you choose to eat may vary depending on your body’s needs on any given day, at any given time. What you needed to eat yesterday at breakfast will likely be different today simply because you expended a different amount of energy or ate a little differently (amount and nutrition wise) than you did 24 hours before. That’s a main reason why diets don’t work so well. Our bodies naturally need different amounts at different times on different days.

Practice listening to your natural cues for hunger and fullness. It’s easiest to start listening for hunger cues (empty tummy, growlies, – if you feel grumpy or shaky you’ve waited too long and your blood sugar is dropping – this is dangerous to your health and can harm your brain so eat something quick). Then once you’ve got that down you can start to pay closer attention to the signals of fullness (we’ll talk about that soon).

This week, to tackle with annoying and stifling aspect of The Diet Mentality, invite yourself to wait until you’re hungry to eat and then invite yourself to have what you really want.

If you feel that you ended up eating too much just wait until you next get hungry to eat again, and so on, and so on, and so on. You’ll soon learn how much is enough for you and you’ll also hear much less self-judgement and feel less heavy and stuffed as you go through your day.

Give this a try and tell me how it goes. Ask me questions about what you notice or what you want to learn and I’ll incorporate them into this series on The Diet Mentality.

Have a great week!

Love

Those of us who use food to cope, or drugs, alcohol, shopping, procrastination, isolation, busywork, and even more socially-sanctioned strategies like over-exercise, co-dependency and workaholism, use those strategies in an attempt to distance ourselves from the constant sense of anxiety we feel within.

The anxiety that we feel is borne out of harmful all-or-nothing stories that I call “learned helplessness.” The learned helplessness stories sound something like this:

• I can’t
• It’s too big
• It’s too much
• I’m not capable
• I won’t be able to do it
• I’m not allowed

And, those learned helplessness, all-or-nothing stories (that trigger our anxiety and our use of harmful coping strategies) are triggered by a naturally and appropriately occurring sensation in our bodies that I call “the niggle.”

The niggle arises when we have needs that aren’t being met.

If you used food to cope as a child (or any other of the strategies listed above), it is extremely likely that when you felt that little niggle inside that let you know you needed something and you tried to get that need met through your words or actions, you were unsuccessful, or perhaps even berated or shamed or physically harmed.

We probably heard or perceived key people in our lives offering us statements such as:

• You’re so selfish!
• Who do you think I am, Rockefeller?
• You’re so dramatic!
• You’re too needy!
• You’re so rude!
• What’s wrong with you?!
• I’ll give you something to cry about!
• Etc.

These statements, understandably, give us the impression that we are, at our core, bad, wrong, stupid, and unlovable beyond repair.  As children, we are naturally vulnerable to the key people in our lives, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically as well.  We depend on them for our survival and we need them to teach us how to be in the world in order to survive without them when we mature. Thus we are incredibly open and receptive to what they say and do in relation to us and to others. We are desperate for their approval and, if need be, will turn against our own inner sense of right and wrong, justice and fairness, in order to preserve our relationship with those key people. Here’s where the trouble really begins.

We all have a naturally occurring sense of disease (our niggle) when we have needs for safety, love, and esteem that aren’t being met. But we believe, (because of our training as children) that in order to get those needs for safety and love and esteem met, we have to ignore our own intuition, ignore our own sense of right and wrong, and take the other person’s side/perspective against ourselves in order to keep them happy and to keep our relationship with them as solid as it can be.

Thus your Drill Sgt. is born.  A bouncing baby inner critic comes into being, constantly running through his learned list of criticisms and judgements of you in his desperate effort to, at long last, bring you the sense of security and peace that you seek in your relationships with others and in yourself.

Of course no one can feel happy, peaceful, confident and secure in an abusive relationship. And just as you couldn’t possibly find peace and security with some key people as a child, you will never find peace and security within yourself until you are able to meet your own needs for respect, dignity, safety and love.

It’s actually not that tall an order once you catch up with the present and realize that your life no longer depends on aligning with others against yourself.

But in the meantime, you feel constantly anxious and doubtful, expecting at any time that someone will swoop in and tell you that you’re too much, too needy, too stupid, too ugly, and just plain unlovable. Thus, you live as though fending off emotional and psychological blows that have yet to occur but that you are certain are coming at any moment. You fear dropping your guard (ie. ceasing the self-criticism) because in the past that was a sure path to the pain of external judgement and ostracism, and you remember that sting all too well.

It is natural and perfectly healthy and appropriate to feel this way as a dependent child. It is such an incredible act of survival and self-preservation that you deserve to be commended. The only problem is, you’re an adult and still living as though you need the approval of others in order to be okay and you’re stuck in those old learned helplessness stories about how you’re so incapable and unlovable that you’ll never get the approval, and thus the safety and peace, that you seek if you let people see and know the real you.

It becomes a very vicious and unending cycle of self-judgement and shame, perpetuating the old stories and triggering more shame and judgement (and thus the need for food to cope).

But what about this? What if instead of continuing to do what clearly has never worked as anything other than a numbing and self-harming device, you did something totally and completely radical?

What if…..

What if you just accepted that you are going to make mistakes?

What if you just accepted that some people will like you and others won’t?

What if you began to trust that everyone has needs and that having needs makes you human, not “needy”?

What if you became more committed to living your life than to making other people happy?

To truly live, you must have experiences, and experience includes, more often than any of us would like, many mistakes, many missteps, many courageous conversations and many opportunities for discovering hidden aspects of ourselves, often in the least private and dignified ways.

So if you just accepted that you will err, and instead of focusing all your energies on trying to prevent an opportunity for learning, you saw it as just that? Every event in your life is an opportunity for learning and growing. You can embrace the experiences you have gracefully and learn and grow from them or you can judge and shame and berate yourself for not being perfect and wall yourself away emotionally or even physically, in your attempt to prevent the inevitable experience of making a mistake and being seen as imperfect (which in the old learned helplessness mindset equates to being unlovable; being rejected; being shamed, judged and berated; disappointing key people; and just downright being “bad.”)

What if, instead of persisting with the old learned helplessness/harmful coping strategy approach to life, you focused your energies on gathering tools and life experiences that teach you the fundamental truth:

Life is not about being perfect and preventing any errors or slights of any kind, life is all about learning to trust yourself to gracefully and respectfully own, acknowledge, and resolve any of your behaviours that did not meet needs for you or others.

Did you catch that?

It’s not the number or “quality” of missteps or learning experiences you have that makes you a worthy or lovable person.

Whether you accept it or understand it or not, the truth is you are already so incredibly worthy and lovable. You truly have nothing to prove to anyone in order to be worthy of confidence and self-love, and once you catch up with the times and step into yourself fully as an adult, you’ll feel the truth of that.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is not to never ever let anyone see you as anything other than perfect. That’s the path to depression.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is to develop skills to handle life’s in’s and out’s so that you can be anywhere, anytime, with anyone and trust yourself to honor and respect yourself.

And don’t let the old Drill Sgt. and his learned helplessness tell you that you can’t. It’s really quite simple, you just have to be open and try something new. I guarantee it will be well worth it.  If you’re ready to step into the present and begin to live life fully, I’m here to show you how.

Love

1. 1.  We often (usually) don’t even know what we truly feel and want and need. We might know something doesn’t feel right or good or okay but we have our inner critic immediately judging our feelings and so we mistrust our emotions just as we mistrust our hunger and fullness cues.
2. We are scared crapless to piss people off! Let’s just admit it! We don’t want to upset anyone. We don’t want to be the bad guy. We don’t want anyone saying anything about us that isn’t nice and warm and fuzzy. And so we bail on ourselves.

And just in case you’re still wondering if this applies to you: If you have any food and body image stress, or if you binge, or struggle with restriction (dieting or anorexia or orthorexia (an obsession with eating “clean”), or purging (through exercise, laxatives, or vomiting) you can guarantee that you have a high dose of co-dependent training. 

Likewise, people who struggle with alcohol use, anger management, isolation and procrastination have had the same training. In other words, you’re in great company, only it’s like the plague – everyone’s got it but you really don’t want it!  Good news, there’s lots you can do to change that and to step free of that way of thinking completely and for good.

That’s what the CEDRIC Centre does for you. We help you to have greater clarity on what exactly is not working in your life and why and exactly what you can do about it to create lasting change in all areas of your life.

Simply Put:

• The number one thing that will make your healing journey take longer than it needs to, is your unwillingness to be honest with yourself.  
• The number two thing is your unwillingness/fear to be honest with others.

Both need to be addressed and overcome in order for you to have the self-esteem and self-respect that you need in order to feel safe and secure in the world and to trust yourself to have integrity regardless of where you are or whom you’re with.  And in case you’re wondering, it is impossible to get over your stressful relationship with food and feel comfortable in your own body without that.  This is because your current use of food to cope (as well as any problems with anxiety or depression, isolation or procrastination) stems from a lack of trust and confidence in yourself to take care of yourself first; a lack of trust that you will not compromise yourselves for others.

This has to change in order for you to feel peaceful enough and to feel good enough about yourself to only engage in behaviours that will enhance your life. It’s that simple.

So, if you’re ready to create lasting change let’s begin.

First know that it is always – and I mean always – easier than you think it will be to identify what you really think and feel and it always goes better than you think it will and produces greater results than you expect when you are respectfully and appropriately honest with others.

I have been working with clients directly around these issues for over 17 years and have seen this to be true time and time again for my clients as well as in my own personal life.

For this week, let’s start by exploring #1: Being honest with ourselves about what we truly feel and need.  This is easier than #2 and it naturally leads to greater comfort with being honest with others.

1. Notice when you want to eat and aren’t hungry or are telling yourself you can’t have what you want even if you are hungry. (You can also do this exercise by asking yourself to notice when you’re feeling anxious/insecure/embarrassed/ashamed if you find that easier to notice right now.)
2. Then ask yourself what you were just thinking. Don’t censor it. Allow yourself to be as petty and small as you can be; express your worst fears and criticisms to yourself honestly. No one else needs to know. And just so you know, allowing yourself to be honest about what you’re truly thinking and feeling in any situation doesn’t ‘attract more of it’ like the magical thinkers believe. You’re already thinking and feeling that way.

Whether you are honest with yourself or not you’re being impacted by those thoughts and feelings and the only way to completely step free of them is to:

• be honest that they are there, see why there are there and either see them as flawed and irrational, thereby immediately freeing yourself of them; or
• see them as having some basis in fact thereby creating an opportunity to for you consciously resolve the problem and never have to deal with it again. 

The ostrich approach (if I don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t happening) has never served you at all. In fact it’s why you are where you are.

The clients who move the fastest through this process are those who are willing to let themselves be honest with themselves about their true fears and feelings. Those who try to be politically correct or “good,” “nice,” “not attract bad ‘ju ju’ through thinking unkind/base thoughts,” stay stuck on the surface of their awareness, repeating old patterns, feeling more fake and phony and stuck every day.

Do your best to be honest and then, when you have written out what you really think/feel/fear/need in any situation, ask yourself:

“What am I telling myself about that, which makes me judge it as bad/wrong/petty/needy?”

And then ask,

“Where does that story come from?”

And,

“Why do I think they are right and my own needs, thoughts, and feelings are wrong?”

You will learn a great deal about yourself in this way.

And if you’d like to take this a step further and get some support to change this way of thinking and the way you relate to food and to others as well, please email or call. My team and I would be happy to help.

Love

Repeated patterns are a window to your needs. For every pattern you repeat, for example: overeating, purging, or restriction, there is a need which is being met within you. Your inability to change the undesirable pattern has nothing to do with lack of willpower or discipline. The pattern is merely a symptom of a deeper problem. If you direct your efforts only at attempting to eliminate the symptom without putting effort into understanding and dissolving its cause, you are setting yourself up for a very fatiguing and defeating battle.

Awareness is the first step in changing any behaviour. You must first become aware that you are doing something which is detrimental to your values and life plan. Resistance is often your immediate reaction to becoming aware of what you are doing and why. This makes perfect sense. You have lived your life with a certain set of behaviours and beliefs. Given this, change, even if desired on some level, often feels less like innovation and more like annihilation of your entire existence as you know it. You wonder what will be left of you, your relationships and the life you know, when you have made the changes necessary to free yourself of this debilitating behaviour. This really means: when you are fully aware of the underlying need that led you to execute this behaviour, will you still choose the people and things you have chosen thus far? From this perspective, change can look very scary and the outcome very lonely. This is why so many of us have to hit our own personal “rock bottom” before we are ready to challenge old, harmful patterns of thoughts and behaviours. You must reach a place where you say, “I don’t care what the outcome is. Just make it stop!”

And yet, questioning what life will look like when you are “done” is a wise and significant thing to do. It implies that you know you can change, and on some level you know that your current behaviour is providing you with a way of remaining in an uncomfortable situation without having to fully feel the discomfort being generated. In other words, you know you are numbing yourself to certain aspects of your life, and, because you have chosen this approach to problems for so many years, it is a little scary to imagine being fully present and aware. You are saying that you want your life to be different but are fearful of how this change might appear. This sounds reasonable, from the perspective of the person who has yet to experience the benefits of the change and can only imagine the void which will remain by the removal of the old behaviour. Until you have experienced the pleasure and freedom that is created by letting go of the old pattern, you are naturally going to have some discomfort and doubt about the change.

It is human nature to seek familiarity and feel comforted by it. Often, even when the familiar behaviour is harmful to your essence and prevents you from fulfilling your dreams, you will cling to it because of the comfort provided by the familiar. This very tendency in all humans is why lasting change must happen gradually. When you demand immediate and complete change, you deny yourself time to learn the lessons that the problem or situation you have created is meant to teach. And you certainly don’t have a solid base or foundation in place to feel secure as you move into unfamiliar territory. This means you are likely to flounder and find yourself returning to your old familiar behaviour when things get a little challenging. This can leave you feeling defeated and hopeless.

Just think of any diet or “nutritional plan” you have tried. You no doubt discovered that your attempts to heal your relationship with food and body-image focus, prior to understanding the cause, set you up to have short-term success. Your success could last only for as long as you did not require those coping strategies, that is, as long as nothing in day-to-day life upset your apple cart! This is why, at the pinnacle of our Diet Mentality, many of us can stick to a diet or some form of restrictive behaviour for only about 12 hours! Max! You can be “good” during the day when you are busy, out and about or in front of others, but when you get home, or the chores of the day are mostly attended to, you decompress with food and the whole cycle repeats itself. If the underlying trigger that leads you to use food to cope is unattended, you will be in trouble when something happens that you hadn’t planned for, or didn’t happen the way you had hoped. The feelings and unmet needs, which naturally and appropriately get triggered in those life situations, currently drive you to restrict, binge or purge to cope.

To be successful in changing an old coping strategy, you must have the confidence of knowing that a nurturing force is standing by, ready to catch you when you start to naturally default into those old patterns. And this force must be predominantly found within. Building a solid, nurturing, supportive and understanding relationship with yourself can take some time as it would with others; however, you will begin to see the benefits of this stronger and more supportive internal relationship immediately, in your awareness of what you are thinking, feeling and needing in that moment and in your ability to respond to those thoughts, feelings and needs respectfully and appropriately.

With a greater sense of trust, security and awareness of yourself rather than the impatience your Drill Sgt. was throwing your way, you will feel a sense of relief which allows you to relax and trust yourself to make life-enhancing and dignified choices around food, yourself and others.

And know this as well: you own this process of change. It does not own you. You can take it as fast or as slow as you like and as you have time and space for. You can look at as much “stuff” and be as aware as you want at any given time, and you can make as many changes as you wish; furthermore, you can return to your previous comforting behaviour whenever you feel the need for the old numbing peace that it brings. Soon, you will naturally find that the old, comfortable coping behaviour no longer fits. It just doesn’t feel right any more. It is not who or where you want to be, nor will you really feel the need to find “security” this way. You will naturally choose not to use it, opting to engage in thoughts, feelings, and behaviours which you have had some practice with and that are coming to feel so much more respectful and natural, so much more “right” – on a gut level than that old coping strategy ever did or ever could. You have found yourself. You have found peace. 

Love

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part I

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part II

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part III

Part I

Traveling with an eating disorder packs a triple whammy for the already beleaguered spirit in desperate need of true rest and relaxation. Whether you struggle with dieting, overeating, purging or a general dissatisfaction with your physical form that prevents you from settling peacefully into the moment, a vacation can be a stress-filled experience that makes you want to just stay at home instead with the covers pulled high.

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part II

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part III

By Michelle Morand

This is Part III of an article on navigating travel and vacation time in the easiest most relaxed way when you’re still on the path to recovery from the use of food to cope (ie. overeating, restricting, purging, or that annoying diet mentality).

In a nutshell, if you’re not feeling compassion for yourself and the others that you’re interacting with in that moment (whether in your mind or in reality), you’re in all or nothing thinking. It’s that simple.

You may want to read that last statement a few times to make sure it sinks in.  Then read on.

You can test this theory for yourself over the next few days any time you notice that you’re feeling anything other than peaceful.

Whenever you notice you’re feeling anxious or unsettled; judgmental of yourself or others; blaming; resentful; impatient; etc., or using your food coping strategy (which is a clear indicator that you’re overwhelmed) simply stop and ask yourself:

“What am I telling myself about this situation or person that is creating this distress?”

Then stop and think, really think, about what you just told yourself.  Is it true?  Are you certain?

You will always identify that you have just been telling yourself an all or nothing story.

It could be that you’re telling yourself that something has to be done a certain way or by a certain time.  It could be that you’re telling yourself that someone should be doing something in a different way or conversely that they should not be doing something that they are doing.  And this story that you’re telling yourself could be about the past, the present or the future.  You could be engaged in telling yourself that something about the past should be different or that something about the future should not be as you imagine it will.  Either way, you’re in all or nothing thinking.

That may be hard to swallow. At first glance these stories may not seem like all or nothing thinking, they seem like absolute truths. Of course they do.  That’s the problem. You believe they are true and so you don’t even question whether the story you’re telling yourself might actually be the old all or nothing thinking.

The good news is that if you are at all open to the possibility that I might be right you can prove it to yourself very quickly.

First, consider for a moment what it means to be compassionate.  It means you are open; accepting; loving; understanding; strong; clear; direct; and peaceful.  In order to really live compassion you must have a solid and strong core of love, trust and respect for yourself.  In other words you have to have great self-esteem. You have to be solid enough in yourself that you don’t need things outside yourself to be a certain way in order for you to be grounded and happy.  Then you can be truly compassionate.

Conversely, if you’re in the all or nothing thinking pattern it implies that you are conditionally loving; rigid; fearful; and anxious.  It also means that in some areas you’re still seeking to meet your needs for security and for acceptance through people or situations outside of yourself. This is inherently dangerous and doomed to fail. You are dependent on the moods and behaviours of others, many of whom will be also looking for their security and approval through others.

If your compassion for someone or some situation falls apart as soon as they don’t comply, or things don’t happen the way you expect or want, you can bet you got sucked in to all or nothing thinking and telling yourself a story that things should be a certain way. That’s not compassion that’s conditional acceptance.  It will only lead to more anxiety and more use of food to cope (or whatever your primary coping strategy is).

If you really want to expose and shift this harmful pattern of thinking, and live more peacefully, commit to writing down your thoughts when you feel anxious or distressed. Try it at least once a day for the next week.  Seeing these thoughts on paper makes it so obvious that you’re in all or nothing and what you need to do to shift into a more peaceful, compassionate way of thinking.

And if you’re resistant to writing these thoughts out check to see if there is any all or nothing thinking in your resistance: EG. “I know that this is true, it’s not all or nothing, so I’m not going to write this one down.”  Or “I don’t want anyone to read my writing to I can’t write it down.” Or “I don’t have time.”

These are all all or nothing statements.

If you need a prompt once you’ve got your current thought down and are having a hard time seeing the all or nothing in it try this:

“What am I telling myself is absolutely going to happen?”  or “What am I telling myself should be a certain way right now?”

Then ask yourself: “What are some other possibilities?”  “Could I allow for the possibility that one of those scenarios is equally as likely as the first one?”

Inevitably you’ll be able to come up with a few other potential explanations or outcomes that feel more relaxed and open (compassionate).  Notice whether you reject those in favour of the old all or nothing story.  Notice if you would rather be anxious and distressed in your old story than open and peaceful in a new and unfamiliar one.

So, if this resonates with you and you want to do a piece of work on your old thought patterns, paste this statement on your fridge:

If I’m not peaceful I’m in all or nothing thinking.

And then prove it to yourself.

Love,

In order for you to completely understand why you do what you do and what you can do to begin to think, and therefore, behave, differently, I’ve put together a kind of step-by-step flow of logic that will help your brain shift out of confused, stuck thinking and into rational, reasonable thoughts that will influence you to behave in ways that will enhance all aspects of your life. ’Cause, let’s face it, you know that some of the things you do aren’t the best choices, you may even have tried to stop or cut back or make some big lifestyle changes. But if you haven’t understood what’s really driving you to do those things in the first place, you can’t be successful for long, and instead will likely feel more stuck and hopeless rather than inspired and confident.

If you’re at all a believer in the concept that your thoughts create your reality, the following logic flow will help you to feel more solid and grounded in clear thinking. This means you will be confidently more present in the world and able to enjoy your food, drink, exercise, free time, and socializing more while being less likely to use any of those substances and behaviours to cope with stress or emotions such as anxiety, anger, insecurity or sadness.

The following is a list of basic premises you must accept in order to heal from any stressful patterns of thinking and behaving and live life to the fullest. I encourage you to read this over on a daily basis for a week and you’ll be amazed at the shifts that occur in your relationship with yourself and with others, with little or no effort on your part.

Premise #1:

Every human being has needs.

Having needs doesn’t make you “needy,” it makes you human. Anyone who has ever implied otherwise to you is someone who is simply uncomfortable with the vulnerability and dependence that the meeting of needs naturally requires. The greatest sense of peace, trust, and safety that a human being can experience in their lives comes from being able to trust in your ability to meet the majority of your own needs and from feeling confident in your right and ability to ask for others to help you meet your needs too. You are entitled to take care of yourself. You are entitled to ask for help. If someone says “no,” it doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask or that that person doesn’t care. Nor does it mean you won’t get that need met. It simply means it doesn’t work for that person, at that time, to meet your need.

Premise #2:

All humans, (whether they like to admit it or not) have the same needs overall and they need to be met in ascending order of priority to our survival.

Our needs for food, air, water and rest come first innately. Without these for any length of time and we’re going to suffer grave consequences, likely death. So naturally, these are the first priority.

Then come our needs for physical safety and security. By this we mean a safe, consistent place to live (we don’t move around a lot); no real or threatened harm to our physical safety or that of anyone we care about; and financial security.

The next natural priority is our need for emotional safety in our bonds with key people (primary caregivers, extended family, peers, teachers, community at large). In order for us to come out of our family of origin feeling confident in ourselves as lovable, worthy, and deserving beings, we need to see that the key people in our lives speak and behave towards us in ways that demonstrate respect, caring, kindness, and acceptance.

Then comes our need for positive self-regard, a.k.a self-esteem. Self-Esteem naturally flows from feeling safe and secure in our world and in our bonds with others. The extent to which we felt that sense of safety and security emotionally and physically will be the extent to which we see ourselves as lovable, capable, worthy human beings who are equal to all others.

And lastly, our needs for self-actualization, the realization of our full potential as a human being, must be met. Whatever our gifts or natural abilities are, the meeting of our lower level needs for physical wellness, emotional and physical security and self-esteem ensures that we have the strength and support to achieve them.

Premise #3:

Given that all people have these needs, whether they acknowledge it or like it or not, it naturally follows that these needs are natural and appropriate.

This means that your needs are not right or wrong or too much – they just are. The way you attempt to meet those needs may be effective or ineffective; life-enhancing or harmful, but the needs themselves cannot be judged as right or wrong with any rational mind. They are a natural part of being human.

Premise #4:

Anxiety is a natural and appropriate signal from within that we have needs that are not being met.

Whenever any of our natural, basic human needs are not met, our senses send a chemical signal through our body to bring our attention to this need. We humans call this signal: Anxiety. Thus, when we feel anxious it is a statement from our instincts that some need is not being met. In our culture we have been taught to judge anxiety as bad or ourselves as “over-sensitive” or having an “anxiety disorder” when we are anxious often or when we are anxious in inconvenient circumstances. In truth, your anxiety is trying to get your attention and tell you that something isn’t feeling right.

Premise #5:

The appropriate human response to this sensation of anxiety is to stop and identify the situation that has triggered an unmet need then take appropriate action to meet that need. In so doing you will return, as quickly and effortlessly as possible to a state of peace.

This state of peace is your indicator that your needs are met in that moment. We could therefore say that anytime you are feeling anything other than peaceful, it is an indicator that you have unmet needs. This awareness of peace as an indicator of met needs and anxiety as an indicator of unmet needs makes it much easier for you to identify when things are going well and when you need to take some action to resolve some problem.

Premise #6:

Your naturally occurring unmet needs will trigger you to have a thought that will naturally trigger an emotional response which naturally triggers you to behave in some way that meets that need or that help you to tune out to the awareness that you have an unmet need.

Thus, it can be asserted that our needs naturally trigger a sensation within us, I call it ‘the niggle.’ This niggle can be a slight feeling that something is up, such as we might experience if we’re a little hungry or need to return a phone call sometime that evening. It can also feel like full blown panic if someone or something is cutting off our airway for example.

The key point here again is that if we are feeling anything other than peaceful it is an indicator that we have needs that aren’t being met. This niggle is meant to be instantly acknowledged by us and acted on so that our need gets met quickly and we feel peaceful again.

The triggering need and corresponding niggle will naturally trigger a thought (“Something is up”). The way we then assess (think about) the stressful situation and our ability to handle it well, becomes the story we tell ourselves about whether our need will get met or not and what we need to do to meet it.

This story about our ability to get that need met naturally triggers an emotion (anxiety, anger, sadness, joy), which naturally triggers a behavioural reaction: We, like all other humans on the planet, are meant to do something to meet that need.

Premise #7:

If the behavioural reaction we choose actually meets the need we feel peaceful and experienced an enhanced sense of trust in ourselves and heightened self-esteem. If the behavioural reaction we chose did not meet our need we will typically respond in one of two ways:

1. If we have high self-esteem we will naturally feel some frustration that our efforts were unsuccessful but we will trust that there is a solution and that we are capable of finding it. We will seek to understand what it was that didn’t work and find an alternative solution either on our own or with help from others. In other words, we don’t give up. We aren’t ashamed to admit we don’t know all the answers and we freely ask for help. We keep looking for a solution until we know we have exhausted all possibilities. Then we grieve, accept the situation and move on. It does not undermine our overall sense of ourselves as a good, worthwhile, competent human being.

1. If our self-confidence is lacking and we doubt our “okay-ness” we have less likelihood of seeking help outside ourselves and therefore, of finding the most effective and simple solution. In other words, we don’t want to admit we aren’t “perfect;” that we don’t know something or that we couldn’t figure it out and thus we make things 10 times harder than they need to be. This resistance to admitting our needs and to asking for help; to being vulnerable and dependent on another, leads to a greater level of anxiety and distress (often growing into depression) as our needs go unmet and our judgement of ourselves and our fears of being judged by others grow.

It is likely, in this fearful frame of mind, that we have told ourselves that there was only one solution to the meeting of our need, the one we tried first, and it didn’t work. Therefore, we will naturally feel increasingly anxious and frantic as not only do we still have the initial unmet need to contend with but now we have a story, repeating in our brain, that we “tried and failed,” “WE failed.” This story is naturally triggering increasing feelings of fear and sadness (which often manifest themselves as anger towards others or towards ourselves.)

If the need goes unmet for long enough, or is a lower level need for emotional or physical security, or food, air, water or rest, and thus imperative to our sense of overall security and well-being in the world, we will begin to feel overwhelmed by the chronic sensations of anxiety. We will get stuck in a loop of stories of impending doom and failure, triggering more anxiety (and, if longstanding, depression), which triggers increasingly ineffective behavioural responses to help us cope with the anxiety that we feel unable to relieve completely.

Recall that thoughts trigger emotions which trigger a behavioural response. These thoughts can be rational or irrational and our corresponding behavioural response can be helpful or harmful to our overall well-being.

Premise #8

When we feel fearful of asking for help and feel anxious because we feel stuck in our efforts to meet our needs, we begin to try to distance ourselves from our lives and from others who might judge or reject us “if they really knew us.” To do this we naturally engage in harmful coping strategies such as alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, binge eating, dieting, gambling, sex addiction, relationship addiction, raging, overspending, and physical abuse among others.

If we are thinking irrationally, we get stuck in a “learned helplessness loop” where we believe that: Because we were unsuccessful in our initial attempt(s) to solve our problem and meet our needs, there is no solution.

Therefore, we believe that we just have to try and cope with the situation and the feelings it triggers. We devise psychological, emotional and physical strategies to distract us from the situation and the anxiety it is naturally and appropriately distressing us.

We give up on any long term solution and settle for short term relief/preoccupation/distraction. The old problem remains and now we have a new one too which usually has ramifications on our physical, emotional and mental health as well as on our finances and relationships.

These harmful coping strategies trigger unmet needs of their own because of the harm we do to ourselves physically and emotionally, and often, to others through these behaviours. This triggers even more thoughts of helplessness and an even greater sense of distress and stuck-ness, triggering a faster and faster return to the harmful coping behaviour each time and creating greater and greater anxiety and unmet needs overall.

This explains why, whenever you’ve tried in the past to stop a certain behaviour that you know isn’t good for you, you end up doing it more! If you haven’t identified the underlying needs you were seeking to meet through that behaviour in the first place and they are still unmet and you’ll still need to use your coping behaviour, regardless of your best intentions. It’s just that simple.

You have got to have some solution in place to meet the original unmet needs before you can successfully take away the behaviour or substance that you’ve been using to cope with the stress that those needs create. You can’t just exchange one coping behaviour for another and expect to be successful in relieving your anxiety or depressed feelings.

Premise #9:

In contrast the assumption we live from when we think rationally is: There is a solution, and if I can’t find it, I simply need to find someone to help.

Regardless of how it may seem, it is true that there is a solution to your problem in all but the most dire situations (terminal illness for example) but even in this case, thinking rationally we can accept the reality of the circumstance, “I have a terminal illness,” and then set about finding solutions to enhance the quality of life we have left.

If we are thinking clearly, and we were unsuccessful in our attempt to meet a need, we naturally do one of 3 things:

Either reassess our initial strategy to see if it will work if implemented in a different way;

• Try a different approach altogether;
• Or ask for help/guidance.

One way or another, the problem gets solved. We do not undermine our self-esteem by telling ourselves WE are failures. This is a learning experience. We learn the lesson and move on. As long as we are learning from our life experiences, we are doing life right!

Premise #10:

Therefore, when you have been taught to think in a learned helplessness way and not in a confident, self-trusting way, you will naturally engage in harmful patterns of behaviour such as: overeating, dieting, overspending, procrastinating, isolation, and compromising yourself for others. These are some of the most common coping strategies that humans will turn to to help them numb out from stressful situations.

Because of our life experiences as young people when our needs for emotional or physical security weren’t met, rather than looking for helpful solutions when we have a problem, we kick in to learned helplessness thinking which triggers more stress and greater anxiety and ultimately an inappropriate/unsuccessful behavioural solution.

So, there you have it! A clear, step by step understanding of why you (and others) do what they do, even when they know they want to stop.

Reminding yourself of this as you go through your day to day life and see yourself engaging in any harmful behaviour, or feeling anything other than peaceful, is the first and most important step in creating deep and lasting change.

I am a firm believer in moderation. I know firsthand from my own binge eating disorder and use of other harmful coping strategies, that once you’re able to identify ways to meet your needs that truly solve the problem, you’ll be able to engage in eating any food, anywhere, anytime, or having some drinks, or going shopping, or having challenging conversations without losing your grip and slipping into old extremes. Instead you’ll be able to feel trusting of yourself to handle situations with respect and dignity for all parties, first and foremost, yourself.

There are some simple tools and strategies that you can add to this newfound understanding that will lead to significant change in longstanding problems within just a few weeks.

If you’re an individual client of The CEDRIC Centre or a member of our web based program you’re already learning what’s really triggering you and what you can do about it. If you’d like to learn more, please visit email me @ mmorand@cedriccentre.com.

Love

This article was originally published in the December 2011 edition of Encompass Magazine.

Today I had the experience of educating a group of 160 nursing students on The CEDRIC Method. Now, that in and of itself is rather frickin’ cool! Getting to educate up-and-coming front line health care providers on a respectful, simple, effective way of perceiving and supporting their clients who may struggle with eating disorders or substance abuse issues is an incredible honour. Period. That’s a pretty cool day.

But, it gets better!

It was at a college that I went to many years ago. At that time I was a grade 10 drop out. A pot smoking, binging, isolating, depressed, anxious, insecure, totally – and I mean to-ta-leee – codependent young woman who couldn’t make eye contact with anyone without breaking out in hives!

I used to literally slink onto campus, keep my head down in class and try not to interact any more than necessary with any other students.

I could relate to the teachers amazingly well – even was asked and agreed to attend staff functions (aka pub crawls!) from time to time. But I felt so totally fat, gross, and just plain geeky with my peers (aka the cool people), that I didn’t make one friend in 4 years. Not one.

I remember how my brain used to immediately attach to how fat my stomach was, how many rolls I had, how my pants were size 16 or 14 or 12 or whatever they were during that time – they weren’t a size 2 like some other girls. Those size 2 girls were smart and pretty and worth getting to know. I, on the other hand, was fat. Which at that time, in my mind meant: stupid, ugly, lazy, and unworthy of taking up space on the planet. That’s how I thought anyway.

I wasn’t a whole lot of fun to hang around with to say the least, if you could actually get me to make and then follow through on a commitment in the first place, which was highly unlikely.

Group projects? Not good.  Of course, no one else would do as good a job as me, so I was instantly resentful that I had to depend on anyone for any part of my mark. And then the fact that I actually had to interact with my peers! Come on! Just burn me at the stake and get it over with!!

I wasn’t really a very happy person. But perhaps you guessed that already?

I was a reliable worker – it actually never occurred to me not to be. I had to show up on time, work hard – harder than anyone else because I was fat. I had to stay a little longer and make sure the boss knew it, or I’d get fired because…well, because I was fat.

I actually liked working because the boundaries were clear. I knew exactly what was expected of me, I didn’t have to socialize – in fact it was frowned upon so I could freely judge those who gossiped and chatted about their night or their romantic issues or lack thereof. I was definitely doing alright in the self-righteousness department that’s for sure. Which actually really means I was doing great at feeling so insecure that I couldn’t feel good about myself if anyone else had anything good about them. Not a really stable or happy place to be.

Any who, I digress….

Today, I parked my car (which I love and have dreamed of having since I was 10!) and, after paying for parking (only $3.00 for 2 hours I noted happily– in Vancouver it would have been $15!!) I retrieved my presentation materials.  I headed for the building where I was meant to present this class, which just happened to be my very favorite building of my entire educational career!

It’s a lovely old building with great character and fond memories – my favorite math teacher taught me how to enjoy math in that building; my favorite anthropology teacher taught me about evolutionary anthropology in that building – never mind that I failed one of the tests, I loved the subject so much I didn’t care – (and for my 99%! Why didn’t I get 100? – self – that was saying something!).

The building had lots of nooks and crannies and I’d hole up in one to study between classes. I loved that building!

As I was rolling my favorite little briefcase on wheels along the campus grounds, I knew I was making a truckload of noise. The little wheels are hard plastic and on the bumpy concrete with tall concrete buildings all around it sounded akin to a 747 during take-off!  And what do you know? I was totally at ease.

I felt this sense of peace and ease, a sense of excitement for sure but a sense of “I have a right to be, to take up space, to make a little noise, to make eye contact, to smile, to make small talk even; I am equal to you, you are equal to me. Ain’t it grand!?”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel and think this as a natural state and have for quite some time in my life. But this place was a place where my most common experience was feeling small and dirty and bad and wrong and geeky and stupid – so, I think you could say that the contrast in how I felt today was amazing.

I had a flashback then, as I wheeled noisily along, I recalled me, hiding in a corner of that old fabulous building, dreaming of being recovered; dreaming of helping others; dreaming of teaching others how to help people recover from eating disorders; dreaming of feeling confident and secure in my own skin; of being loved by a wonderful man whom I loved equally; having a family (that I loved and wanted!); having friends that I felt truly loved and safe with; having a life!!; oh and did I mention dreaming about not binging every bloomin’ day!? And of feeling secure in my body and truly comfortable in my own skin? I am sure that world peace and an end to global warming were in there too but those were the things that stood out to me today as I rumbled along.

I have all those things now.

I pause for tears of joy to flow.

I have created my ideal life. And I did it, not by binging and focusing on how fat and gross I was or how unworthy I was or by believing that everyone else was better than me.

I did it by reminding myself every time I felt anxious and insecure that I had been trained to have flawed thinking; I had been trained, by some fairly confused people who were desperately insecure themselves, how to be in the world. That means my training and therefore, my thinking was flawed. I couldn’t trust it. And if I wanted to feel and behave like a confident person who had a right to take up space and was equal to everyone else, I had to stop behaving like those people who taught be how to be a perfect f’d up codependent.

I reminded myself that I couldn’t trust my perception of things, nor did I want to just trust everyone else’s – there’s a lot of people out there who had similar training to myself! Therefore, I had to find myself one or two people whom I had good reason to believe had their heads screwed on straight and I had to let them be my guide. I had to commit to deferring to them when I was confused about how to handle a situation or was feeling anxious or insecure. Reminding myself that I knew my training and approach to life was flawed and had never helped me to feel more secure, only less.

Soon I realized that there were some very basic concepts about being happy and secure as a human being and that if I focussed on mastering those, everything else would come.

So that’s what I did.

I focussed on mastering the concepts of:

• Practicing good self-care: Eating well and reasonable amounts, exercising moderately, getting good rest, hydration, and feeling confident in my right to say no to others if anything they are asking of me doesn’t meet my needs or fit with my values. This is both the core element of true self-esteem and its outcome. It’s a reciprocal cycle. The more I take care of myself and set boundaries with others, the more strong and adult and secure and clear about my rights I feel, and the easier it gets to take care of myself and set boundaries with others and so on and so on and so on to happiness, peace, passion and fulfillment.

• I have just as much of a right to take up space as everyone else.

My opinions are just as important as anyone else’s.

• If I make a mistake or am wrong about something I am not stupid or bad or forever flawed, I am simply wrong about that thing or made a mistake. I can apologize. I can learn and do things differently/better the next time around. I am deserving of forgiveness and a second chance. And if the folks I’m around don’t get that and can’t forgive; or feel the need to judge me or put me down I can tell them that’s not okay, “That doesn’t meet my needs for trust or safety or respect,” and give them a chance to apologize to me themselves. If they don’t I can separate from them and find people who get that life is for learning, mistakes will happen, and that it’s whether I learn from them and grow that makes my life purposeful and well-lived.

• My responsibility is to my own needs and feelings first – period.

This is the blueprint for a healthy, rationally thinking, balanced, peaceful, happy, passionate and fulfilled being.

There is nothing on this list that you can’t have, do or be with a little practice and a willingness to acknowledge that your training in how to be a good human was facilitated by disciples of the Spanish Inquisition School of Humanity!

My self-imposed role in your life is to help you to get to this place of true peace and fulfillment as quickly as possible.

Whether you binge or purge or restrict or use alcohol or drugs or spending or isolating or relationship obsession to manage your stress and keep yourself numb and preoccupied, I’m here to help you through. All of these patterns stem from the same place and therefore, one approach will show you how to overcome any and all of these patterns that might be in your life or the lives of people you care about.

I had a very precious moment today as I was gifted with an opportunity to fully realize that my little girl dreams had come true.

My wish is that every one of you reading this will, one day, if you don’t already, feel exactly the way I do today and know that you created it. You made it happen. It’s yours. It’s not a fluke; and no one can take it from you. You are safe. You are secure. You are worthy of love and acceptance from yourself and others. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect by yourself and others at all times. You are loved.

Love,

We have a sensitive topic between us in regards to another dear family member and how best to support them through a difficult time.

We often need to agree to just set this topic aside and trust that we will come back to it and it will get sorted in the way we always do, respectfully, amicably, fairly.

This time around, I didn’t do so well with that!

We agreed we were not going to bring up that topic during our quality time together that day. I committed to that. I meant it. And then….as we talked of this and that….the conversation naturally segued into a discussion about this situation and what the best solution might be so everyone feels good about it.

I admit, I brought it up. In my defence, I was halfway through my second or third sentence about it before I realized I had shifted from one topic to that one.

What I would like to have done, and what I will do in the future, and have done in the past, would be to say “Ooops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know we had an agreement not to. Can you forgive me? And can we start again?”

What I did instead was justify bringing it up (to myself) by thinking – “oh, this wasn’t intentional, it just ….happened.” And, “He’s not flipping out and telling me I shouldn’t be, so it must be fine, right?”

Um. No.

Where was my integrity? Where was my accountability to my word, regardless of what he was or wasn’t asserting? What had I committed to? And if I wanted to change my commitment I needed to ask him if that was okay and tell him why that was important to me.

That’s healthy. That’s my norm. That wasn’t what I did here.

As I left the room after this conversation I noticed I felt that niggle. I don’t feel it often these days – thank goodness. But there it was.

I felt sad that I had compromised our quality time which is so precious to me. I felt sad that I had shown myself to him to not keep my word in that conversation. I felt scared that his trust in my word would be compromised and that that might influence the beautiful warmth we share.

Of course, as I realized that, I also realized I had a wee bit of all or nothing going on there. I know my sweetheart, and one lapse will not compromise us. But I did also realize that I had compromised his needs for respect and trust and fun and play, and my own too.

I had some apologizing to do.

And so I sought him out. It sounded like this:

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry that I didn’t honour my commitment to leave that topic alone. I understand that that didn’t meet needs for trust or respect or fun (or peace) for you and I am sorry for that. I am also sad that I missed out on some quality time with you because of that. Next time I commit to leaving a topic alone I will do so. Is there anything you need from me in order to be able to let this go?”

He was satisfied with that but naturally disappointed at how our time had gone. It was no big deal, he says. Hugs ensued and all was well again.

That’s all I could do in the moment. The final piece, the proof – would simply require time for a similar situation to arise and for me to put my money where my mouth is!

As long as I trust myself to follow through on my commitment I can (and do) feel peaceful now.

It was no big deal, this time.

But imagine if I did this often; made promises and violated them, and didn’t apologize or, even if I did apologize, my behaviour didn’t change. How many times could I expect him to warmly let it go? Not too many. None of us could, or would. Soon the respect would vanish, cutting remarks would flow freely, we would not feel safe or trusting of each other and naturally our intimacy would be a thing of the past. Soon, we’re another divorce statistic.

Relationships are fragile things. Well established relationships, where we have demonstrated mutual trust, safety and respect, naturally provide more room for us to make mistakes. The irony is that these healthy connections are what they are because we prioritize the sense of respect and trust and safety we feel from and with our partner and that we provide to them. As such, we rarely step in giant piles of crud and violate our agreements with them or compromise their trust and safety with us in any big way. More often we experience little episodes, like mine above. And assuming we apologize readily and change our behaviour accordingly, we actually end up making what could have been a trust diminishing experience into a trust building experience.

The relationship is stronger for our learned experience and for the experience of mutual trust and safety and respect that gets demonstrated when we apologize sincerely, change our behaviour and are forgiven and the issue is dropped.

If key people in our lives are not willing to give us a chance to err and apologize and show that we can learn from our mistakes the relationship will become a fear based, perfectionist nightmare and we will feel stagnant and stifled and likely develop coping strategies like binging, purging, anorexia, or restriction (chronic dieting), drinking, toking, shopping and isolating to name a few.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship where your partner couldn’t let an old issue go; kept bringing up how you forgot their birthday etc. you know how devastating that can be to the sense of respect and safety you feel with that person and to how intimate you want to be with them.

This situation typically occurs when that “bringer upper” feels that, not only did you not demonstrate understanding and respect for their needs in that situation, but that they lack trust in you in the present because in some way(s) you’re still doing things that don’t meet their needs for respect, trust, consideration etc.

If you want that person to never bring up that situation again, ask them what needs they had in that situation that weren’t met and how they feel that you’re still not meeting those needs today – in what way?  I guarantee you you’ll learn a lot and you’ll never ever have to hear about that birthday again! (Assuming you follow through on honouring those needs from here on in.)

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. Being able to sincerely offer it and receive it is a precious gift.

I don’t believe we should offer forgiveness until it feels right and peaceful within us to do so. I believe that in order for us to feel that sense of peace and trust we need to be able let things go, we have to be provided with a few key things:

1. We need an apology that lets us know that the other person really understands what didn’t work for me in the situation – “I’m sorry for….”
2. We need some reassurance of what the person will do differently in the future – what are they committing to doing differently or to not doing again, that will help us to trust that we won’t experience that again with them?
3. We need time: Time for that person to demonstrate respect and caring for us in a variety of ways and time for that situation (or one like it) to arise again and for us to see that they respond differently. That’s when true forgiveness naturally occurs. And at that point, it just happens, there’s no decision to make, nothing to do, it just is forgiven.

Often people suggest we should “forgive and forget.”

I say, “If I have not received an apology and have no reason to assume that that won’t happen again, why should I forgive? Why would I forget? That just shows that I don’t learn from my life experiences and that I’m a doormat!”

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m carrying this experience (whatever it might be…say my father’s abuse in my childhood) every day and carrying anger, pain, suffering, resentment etc. because I haven’t “forgiven.”

In fact, I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for my father’s life experiences that made him who he was. I still don’t want to have a relationship with him though because he’s never apologized and never done anything to reassure me he gets that what he did was not okay and that he’s done some work on himself that that I could trust he’d never hurt me or my family again. If that were to come down the pike, I’d consider reconnecting. Without that, no thanks.

I’m not mad. I’m not bitter. I’m not sad. It just is what it is. My door is open should the above happen. And if not, I’m content to have empathy for him, and compassion and trust and safety and respect for myself in honouring my boundary.

In other words, when someone has violated our trust, safety, and respect we need to know and to let them know that our desire to be close to them will be naturally compromised until we know it’s truly safe to do so because they’ve done steps 1 and 2 above and step 3 has naturally happened.

There is soooo much more I could say on each of the points in this article. If you’d like me to say more let me know and I’ll do so.

I hope this helps you to understand why you feel as you do with certain people in your life and why you feel so anxious at times that you use food to cope and harm yourself in that way.

For those of you who are past or current cedric clients and/or take part in the web program, let this article spur discussion with your family and friends, and on our peer support forum, about the topic of forgiveness and the things they can’t seem let go of, or relationships that they can’t seem to feel safe and close in, and maybe you can help them understand why that might be.

If you’re new to CEDRIC and these articles, welcome. And please know, there is a relatively simple solution to all this relationship mayhem and food stress. It takes practice but it’s simple. My team and I are here to show you how when you’re ready.

Love