Repeated patterns are a window to your needs. For every pattern you repeat, for example: overeating, purging, or restriction, there is a need which is being met within you. Your inability to change the undesirable pattern has nothing to do with lack of willpower or discipline. The pattern is merely a symptom of a deeper problem. If you direct your efforts only at attempting to eliminate the symptom without putting effort into understanding and dissolving its cause, you are setting yourself up for a very fatiguing and defeating battle.

Awareness is the first step in changing any behaviour. You must first become aware that you are doing something which is detrimental to your values and life plan. Resistance is often your immediate reaction to becoming aware of what you are doing and why. This makes perfect sense. You have lived your life with a certain set of behaviours and beliefs. Given this, change, even if desired on some level, often feels less like innovation and more like annihilation of your entire existence as you know it. You wonder what will be left of you, your relationships and the life you know, when you have made the changes necessary to free yourself of this debilitating behaviour. This really means: when you are fully aware of the underlying need that led you to execute this behaviour, will you still choose the people and things you have chosen thus far? From this perspective, change can look very scary and the outcome very lonely. This is why so many of us have to hit our own personal “rock bottom” before we are ready to challenge old, harmful patterns of thoughts and behaviours. You must reach a place where you say, “I don’t care what the outcome is. Just make it stop!”

And yet, questioning what life will look like when you are “done” is a wise and significant thing to do. It implies that you know you can change, and on some level you know that your current behaviour is providing you with a way of remaining in an uncomfortable situation without having to fully feel the discomfort being generated. In other words, you know you are numbing yourself to certain aspects of your life, and, because you have chosen this approach to problems for so many years, it is a little scary to imagine being fully present and aware. You are saying that you want your life to be different but are fearful of how this change might appear. This sounds reasonable, from the perspective of the person who has yet to experience the benefits of the change and can only imagine the void which will remain by the removal of the old behaviour. Until you have experienced the pleasure and freedom that is created by letting go of the old pattern, you are naturally going to have some discomfort and doubt about the change.

It is human nature to seek familiarity and feel comforted by it. Often, even when the familiar behaviour is harmful to your essence and prevents you from fulfilling your dreams, you will cling to it because of the comfort provided by the familiar. This very tendency in all humans is why lasting change must happen gradually. When you demand immediate and complete change, you deny yourself time to learn the lessons that the problem or situation you have created is meant to teach. And you certainly don’t have a solid base or foundation in place to feel secure as you move into unfamiliar territory. This means you are likely to flounder and find yourself returning to your old familiar behaviour when things get a little challenging. This can leave you feeling defeated and hopeless.

Just think of any diet or “nutritional plan” you have tried. You no doubt discovered that your attempts to heal your relationship with food and body-image focus, prior to understanding the cause, set you up to have short-term success. Your success could last only for as long as you did not require those coping strategies, that is, as long as nothing in day-to-day life upset your apple cart! This is why, at the pinnacle of our Diet Mentality, many of us can stick to a diet or some form of restrictive behaviour for only about 12 hours! Max! You can be “good” during the day when you are busy, out and about or in front of others, but when you get home, or the chores of the day are mostly attended to, you decompress with food and the whole cycle repeats itself. If the underlying trigger that leads you to use food to cope is unattended, you will be in trouble when something happens that you hadn’t planned for, or didn’t happen the way you had hoped. The feelings and unmet needs, which naturally and appropriately get triggered in those life situations, currently drive you to restrict, binge or purge to cope.

To be successful in changing an old coping strategy, you must have the confidence of knowing that a nurturing force is standing by, ready to catch you when you start to naturally default into those old patterns. And this force must be predominantly found within. Building a solid, nurturing, supportive and understanding relationship with yourself can take some time as it would with others; however, you will begin to see the benefits of this stronger and more supportive internal relationship immediately, in your awareness of what you are thinking, feeling and needing in that moment and in your ability to respond to those thoughts, feelings and needs respectfully and appropriately.

With a greater sense of trust, security and awareness of yourself rather than the impatience your Drill Sgt. was throwing your way, you will feel a sense of relief which allows you to relax and trust yourself to make life-enhancing and dignified choices around food, yourself and others.

And know this as well: you own this process of change. It does not own you. You can take it as fast or as slow as you like and as you have time and space for. You can look at as much “stuff” and be as aware as you want at any given time, and you can make as many changes as you wish; furthermore, you can return to your previous comforting behaviour whenever you feel the need for the old numbing peace that it brings. Soon, you will naturally find that the old, comfortable coping behaviour no longer fits. It just doesn’t feel right any more. It is not who or where you want to be, nor will you really feel the need to find “security” this way. You will naturally choose not to use it, opting to engage in thoughts, feelings, and behaviours which you have had some practice with and that are coming to feel so much more respectful and natural, so much more “right” – on a gut level than that old coping strategy ever did or ever could. You have found yourself. You have found peace. 

Love

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part I

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part II

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part III

Part I

Traveling with an eating disorder packs a triple whammy for the already beleaguered spirit in desperate need of true rest and relaxation. Whether you struggle with dieting, overeating, purging or a general dissatisfaction with your physical form that prevents you from settling peacefully into the moment, a vacation can be a stress-filled experience that makes you want to just stay at home instead with the covers pulled high.

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part II

Travelling with an Eating Disorder – Part III

By Michelle Morand

This is Part III of an article on navigating travel and vacation time in the easiest most relaxed way when you’re still on the path to recovery from the use of food to cope (ie. overeating, restricting, purging, or that annoying diet mentality).

In order for you to completely understand why you do what you do and what you can do to begin to think, and therefore, behave, differently, I’ve put together a kind of step-by-step flow of logic that will help your brain shift out of confused, stuck thinking and into rational, reasonable thoughts that will influence you to behave in ways that will enhance all aspects of your life. ’Cause, let’s face it, you know that some of the things you do aren’t the best choices, you may even have tried to stop or cut back or make some big lifestyle changes. But if you haven’t understood what’s really driving you to do those things in the first place, you can’t be successful for long, and instead will likely feel more stuck and hopeless rather than inspired and confident.

If you’re at all a believer in the concept that your thoughts create your reality, the following logic flow will help you to feel more solid and grounded in clear thinking. This means you will be confidently more present in the world and able to enjoy your food, drink, exercise, free time, and socializing more while being less likely to use any of those substances and behaviours to cope with stress or emotions such as anxiety, anger, insecurity or sadness.

The following is a list of basic premises you must accept in order to heal from any stressful patterns of thinking and behaving and live life to the fullest. I encourage you to read this over on a daily basis for a week and you’ll be amazed at the shifts that occur in your relationship with yourself and with others, with little or no effort on your part.

Premise #1:

Every human being has needs.

Having needs doesn’t make you “needy,” it makes you human. Anyone who has ever implied otherwise to you is someone who is simply uncomfortable with the vulnerability and dependence that the meeting of needs naturally requires. The greatest sense of peace, trust, and safety that a human being can experience in their lives comes from being able to trust in your ability to meet the majority of your own needs and from feeling confident in your right and ability to ask for others to help you meet your needs too. You are entitled to take care of yourself. You are entitled to ask for help. If someone says “no,” it doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask or that that person doesn’t care. Nor does it mean you won’t get that need met. It simply means it doesn’t work for that person, at that time, to meet your need.

Premise #2:

All humans, (whether they like to admit it or not) have the same needs overall and they need to be met in ascending order of priority to our survival.

Our needs for food, air, water and rest come first innately. Without these for any length of time and we’re going to suffer grave consequences, likely death. So naturally, these are the first priority.

Then come our needs for physical safety and security. By this we mean a safe, consistent place to live (we don’t move around a lot); no real or threatened harm to our physical safety or that of anyone we care about; and financial security.

The next natural priority is our need for emotional safety in our bonds with key people (primary caregivers, extended family, peers, teachers, community at large). In order for us to come out of our family of origin feeling confident in ourselves as lovable, worthy, and deserving beings, we need to see that the key people in our lives speak and behave towards us in ways that demonstrate respect, caring, kindness, and acceptance.

Then comes our need for positive self-regard, a.k.a self-esteem. Self-Esteem naturally flows from feeling safe and secure in our world and in our bonds with others. The extent to which we felt that sense of safety and security emotionally and physically will be the extent to which we see ourselves as lovable, capable, worthy human beings who are equal to all others.

And lastly, our needs for self-actualization, the realization of our full potential as a human being, must be met. Whatever our gifts or natural abilities are, the meeting of our lower level needs for physical wellness, emotional and physical security and self-esteem ensures that we have the strength and support to achieve them.

Premise #3:

Given that all people have these needs, whether they acknowledge it or like it or not, it naturally follows that these needs are natural and appropriate.

This means that your needs are not right or wrong or too much – they just are. The way you attempt to meet those needs may be effective or ineffective; life-enhancing or harmful, but the needs themselves cannot be judged as right or wrong with any rational mind. They are a natural part of being human.

Premise #4:

Anxiety is a natural and appropriate signal from within that we have needs that are not being met.

Whenever any of our natural, basic human needs are not met, our senses send a chemical signal through our body to bring our attention to this need. We humans call this signal: Anxiety. Thus, when we feel anxious it is a statement from our instincts that some need is not being met. In our culture we have been taught to judge anxiety as bad or ourselves as “over-sensitive” or having an “anxiety disorder” when we are anxious often or when we are anxious in inconvenient circumstances. In truth, your anxiety is trying to get your attention and tell you that something isn’t feeling right.

Premise #5:

The appropriate human response to this sensation of anxiety is to stop and identify the situation that has triggered an unmet need then take appropriate action to meet that need. In so doing you will return, as quickly and effortlessly as possible to a state of peace.

This state of peace is your indicator that your needs are met in that moment. We could therefore say that anytime you are feeling anything other than peaceful, it is an indicator that you have unmet needs. This awareness of peace as an indicator of met needs and anxiety as an indicator of unmet needs makes it much easier for you to identify when things are going well and when you need to take some action to resolve some problem.

Premise #6:

Your naturally occurring unmet needs will trigger you to have a thought that will naturally trigger an emotional response which naturally triggers you to behave in some way that meets that need or that help you to tune out to the awareness that you have an unmet need.

Thus, it can be asserted that our needs naturally trigger a sensation within us, I call it ‘the niggle.’ This niggle can be a slight feeling that something is up, such as we might experience if we’re a little hungry or need to return a phone call sometime that evening. It can also feel like full blown panic if someone or something is cutting off our airway for example.

The key point here again is that if we are feeling anything other than peaceful it is an indicator that we have needs that aren’t being met. This niggle is meant to be instantly acknowledged by us and acted on so that our need gets met quickly and we feel peaceful again.

The triggering need and corresponding niggle will naturally trigger a thought (“Something is up”). The way we then assess (think about) the stressful situation and our ability to handle it well, becomes the story we tell ourselves about whether our need will get met or not and what we need to do to meet it.

This story about our ability to get that need met naturally triggers an emotion (anxiety, anger, sadness, joy), which naturally triggers a behavioural reaction: We, like all other humans on the planet, are meant to do something to meet that need.

Premise #7:

If the behavioural reaction we choose actually meets the need we feel peaceful and experienced an enhanced sense of trust in ourselves and heightened self-esteem. If the behavioural reaction we chose did not meet our need we will typically respond in one of two ways:

1. If we have high self-esteem we will naturally feel some frustration that our efforts were unsuccessful but we will trust that there is a solution and that we are capable of finding it. We will seek to understand what it was that didn’t work and find an alternative solution either on our own or with help from others. In other words, we don’t give up. We aren’t ashamed to admit we don’t know all the answers and we freely ask for help. We keep looking for a solution until we know we have exhausted all possibilities. Then we grieve, accept the situation and move on. It does not undermine our overall sense of ourselves as a good, worthwhile, competent human being.

1. If our self-confidence is lacking and we doubt our “okay-ness” we have less likelihood of seeking help outside ourselves and therefore, of finding the most effective and simple solution. In other words, we don’t want to admit we aren’t “perfect;” that we don’t know something or that we couldn’t figure it out and thus we make things 10 times harder than they need to be. This resistance to admitting our needs and to asking for help; to being vulnerable and dependent on another, leads to a greater level of anxiety and distress (often growing into depression) as our needs go unmet and our judgement of ourselves and our fears of being judged by others grow.

It is likely, in this fearful frame of mind, that we have told ourselves that there was only one solution to the meeting of our need, the one we tried first, and it didn’t work. Therefore, we will naturally feel increasingly anxious and frantic as not only do we still have the initial unmet need to contend with but now we have a story, repeating in our brain, that we “tried and failed,” “WE failed.” This story is naturally triggering increasing feelings of fear and sadness (which often manifest themselves as anger towards others or towards ourselves.)

If the need goes unmet for long enough, or is a lower level need for emotional or physical security, or food, air, water or rest, and thus imperative to our sense of overall security and well-being in the world, we will begin to feel overwhelmed by the chronic sensations of anxiety. We will get stuck in a loop of stories of impending doom and failure, triggering more anxiety (and, if longstanding, depression), which triggers increasingly ineffective behavioural responses to help us cope with the anxiety that we feel unable to relieve completely.

Recall that thoughts trigger emotions which trigger a behavioural response. These thoughts can be rational or irrational and our corresponding behavioural response can be helpful or harmful to our overall well-being.

Premise #8

When we feel fearful of asking for help and feel anxious because we feel stuck in our efforts to meet our needs, we begin to try to distance ourselves from our lives and from others who might judge or reject us “if they really knew us.” To do this we naturally engage in harmful coping strategies such as alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, binge eating, dieting, gambling, sex addiction, relationship addiction, raging, overspending, and physical abuse among others.

If we are thinking irrationally, we get stuck in a “learned helplessness loop” where we believe that: Because we were unsuccessful in our initial attempt(s) to solve our problem and meet our needs, there is no solution.

Therefore, we believe that we just have to try and cope with the situation and the feelings it triggers. We devise psychological, emotional and physical strategies to distract us from the situation and the anxiety it is naturally and appropriately distressing us.

We give up on any long term solution and settle for short term relief/preoccupation/distraction. The old problem remains and now we have a new one too which usually has ramifications on our physical, emotional and mental health as well as on our finances and relationships.

These harmful coping strategies trigger unmet needs of their own because of the harm we do to ourselves physically and emotionally, and often, to others through these behaviours. This triggers even more thoughts of helplessness and an even greater sense of distress and stuck-ness, triggering a faster and faster return to the harmful coping behaviour each time and creating greater and greater anxiety and unmet needs overall.

This explains why, whenever you’ve tried in the past to stop a certain behaviour that you know isn’t good for you, you end up doing it more! If you haven’t identified the underlying needs you were seeking to meet through that behaviour in the first place and they are still unmet and you’ll still need to use your coping behaviour, regardless of your best intentions. It’s just that simple.

You have got to have some solution in place to meet the original unmet needs before you can successfully take away the behaviour or substance that you’ve been using to cope with the stress that those needs create. You can’t just exchange one coping behaviour for another and expect to be successful in relieving your anxiety or depressed feelings.

Premise #9:

In contrast the assumption we live from when we think rationally is: There is a solution, and if I can’t find it, I simply need to find someone to help.

Regardless of how it may seem, it is true that there is a solution to your problem in all but the most dire situations (terminal illness for example) but even in this case, thinking rationally we can accept the reality of the circumstance, “I have a terminal illness,” and then set about finding solutions to enhance the quality of life we have left.

If we are thinking clearly, and we were unsuccessful in our attempt to meet a need, we naturally do one of 3 things:

Either reassess our initial strategy to see if it will work if implemented in a different way;

• Try a different approach altogether;
• Or ask for help/guidance.

One way or another, the problem gets solved. We do not undermine our self-esteem by telling ourselves WE are failures. This is a learning experience. We learn the lesson and move on. As long as we are learning from our life experiences, we are doing life right!

Premise #10:

Therefore, when you have been taught to think in a learned helplessness way and not in a confident, self-trusting way, you will naturally engage in harmful patterns of behaviour such as: overeating, dieting, overspending, procrastinating, isolation, and compromising yourself for others. These are some of the most common coping strategies that humans will turn to to help them numb out from stressful situations.

Because of our life experiences as young people when our needs for emotional or physical security weren’t met, rather than looking for helpful solutions when we have a problem, we kick in to learned helplessness thinking which triggers more stress and greater anxiety and ultimately an inappropriate/unsuccessful behavioural solution.

So, there you have it! A clear, step by step understanding of why you (and others) do what they do, even when they know they want to stop.

Reminding yourself of this as you go through your day to day life and see yourself engaging in any harmful behaviour, or feeling anything other than peaceful, is the first and most important step in creating deep and lasting change.

I am a firm believer in moderation. I know firsthand from my own binge eating disorder and use of other harmful coping strategies, that once you’re able to identify ways to meet your needs that truly solve the problem, you’ll be able to engage in eating any food, anywhere, anytime, or having some drinks, or going shopping, or having challenging conversations without losing your grip and slipping into old extremes. Instead you’ll be able to feel trusting of yourself to handle situations with respect and dignity for all parties, first and foremost, yourself.

There are some simple tools and strategies that you can add to this newfound understanding that will lead to significant change in longstanding problems within just a few weeks.

If you’re an individual client of The CEDRIC Centre or a member of our web based program you’re already learning what’s really triggering you and what you can do about it. If you’d like to learn more, please visit email me @ mmorand@cedriccentre.com.

Love

This article was originally published in the December 2011 edition of Encompass Magazine.

Today I had the experience of educating a group of 160 nursing students on The CEDRIC Method. Now, that in and of itself is rather frickin’ cool! Getting to educate up-and-coming front line health care providers on a respectful, simple, effective way of perceiving and supporting their clients who may struggle with eating disorders or substance abuse issues is an incredible honour. Period. That’s a pretty cool day.

But, it gets better!

It was at a college that I went to many years ago. At that time I was a grade 10 drop out. A pot smoking, binging, isolating, depressed, anxious, insecure, totally – and I mean to-ta-leee – codependent young woman who couldn’t make eye contact with anyone without breaking out in hives!

I used to literally slink onto campus, keep my head down in class and try not to interact any more than necessary with any other students.

I could relate to the teachers amazingly well – even was asked and agreed to attend staff functions (aka pub crawls!) from time to time. But I felt so totally fat, gross, and just plain geeky with my peers (aka the cool people), that I didn’t make one friend in 4 years. Not one.

I remember how my brain used to immediately attach to how fat my stomach was, how many rolls I had, how my pants were size 16 or 14 or 12 or whatever they were during that time – they weren’t a size 2 like some other girls. Those size 2 girls were smart and pretty and worth getting to know. I, on the other hand, was fat. Which at that time, in my mind meant: stupid, ugly, lazy, and unworthy of taking up space on the planet. That’s how I thought anyway.

I wasn’t a whole lot of fun to hang around with to say the least, if you could actually get me to make and then follow through on a commitment in the first place, which was highly unlikely.

Group projects? Not good.  Of course, no one else would do as good a job as me, so I was instantly resentful that I had to depend on anyone for any part of my mark. And then the fact that I actually had to interact with my peers! Come on! Just burn me at the stake and get it over with!!

I wasn’t really a very happy person. But perhaps you guessed that already?

I was a reliable worker – it actually never occurred to me not to be. I had to show up on time, work hard – harder than anyone else because I was fat. I had to stay a little longer and make sure the boss knew it, or I’d get fired because…well, because I was fat.

I actually liked working because the boundaries were clear. I knew exactly what was expected of me, I didn’t have to socialize – in fact it was frowned upon so I could freely judge those who gossiped and chatted about their night or their romantic issues or lack thereof. I was definitely doing alright in the self-righteousness department that’s for sure. Which actually really means I was doing great at feeling so insecure that I couldn’t feel good about myself if anyone else had anything good about them. Not a really stable or happy place to be.

Any who, I digress….

Today, I parked my car (which I love and have dreamed of having since I was 10!) and, after paying for parking (only $3.00 for 2 hours I noted happily– in Vancouver it would have been $15!!) I retrieved my presentation materials.  I headed for the building where I was meant to present this class, which just happened to be my very favorite building of my entire educational career!

It’s a lovely old building with great character and fond memories – my favorite math teacher taught me how to enjoy math in that building; my favorite anthropology teacher taught me about evolutionary anthropology in that building – never mind that I failed one of the tests, I loved the subject so much I didn’t care – (and for my 99%! Why didn’t I get 100? – self – that was saying something!).

The building had lots of nooks and crannies and I’d hole up in one to study between classes. I loved that building!

As I was rolling my favorite little briefcase on wheels along the campus grounds, I knew I was making a truckload of noise. The little wheels are hard plastic and on the bumpy concrete with tall concrete buildings all around it sounded akin to a 747 during take-off!  And what do you know? I was totally at ease.

I felt this sense of peace and ease, a sense of excitement for sure but a sense of “I have a right to be, to take up space, to make a little noise, to make eye contact, to smile, to make small talk even; I am equal to you, you are equal to me. Ain’t it grand!?”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I feel and think this as a natural state and have for quite some time in my life. But this place was a place where my most common experience was feeling small and dirty and bad and wrong and geeky and stupid – so, I think you could say that the contrast in how I felt today was amazing.

I had a flashback then, as I wheeled noisily along, I recalled me, hiding in a corner of that old fabulous building, dreaming of being recovered; dreaming of helping others; dreaming of teaching others how to help people recover from eating disorders; dreaming of feeling confident and secure in my own skin; of being loved by a wonderful man whom I loved equally; having a family (that I loved and wanted!); having friends that I felt truly loved and safe with; having a life!!; oh and did I mention dreaming about not binging every bloomin’ day!? And of feeling secure in my body and truly comfortable in my own skin? I am sure that world peace and an end to global warming were in there too but those were the things that stood out to me today as I rumbled along.

I have all those things now.

I pause for tears of joy to flow.

I have created my ideal life. And I did it, not by binging and focusing on how fat and gross I was or how unworthy I was or by believing that everyone else was better than me.

I did it by reminding myself every time I felt anxious and insecure that I had been trained to have flawed thinking; I had been trained, by some fairly confused people who were desperately insecure themselves, how to be in the world. That means my training and therefore, my thinking was flawed. I couldn’t trust it. And if I wanted to feel and behave like a confident person who had a right to take up space and was equal to everyone else, I had to stop behaving like those people who taught be how to be a perfect f’d up codependent.

I reminded myself that I couldn’t trust my perception of things, nor did I want to just trust everyone else’s – there’s a lot of people out there who had similar training to myself! Therefore, I had to find myself one or two people whom I had good reason to believe had their heads screwed on straight and I had to let them be my guide. I had to commit to deferring to them when I was confused about how to handle a situation or was feeling anxious or insecure. Reminding myself that I knew my training and approach to life was flawed and had never helped me to feel more secure, only less.

Soon I realized that there were some very basic concepts about being happy and secure as a human being and that if I focussed on mastering those, everything else would come.

So that’s what I did.

I focussed on mastering the concepts of:

• Practicing good self-care: Eating well and reasonable amounts, exercising moderately, getting good rest, hydration, and feeling confident in my right to say no to others if anything they are asking of me doesn’t meet my needs or fit with my values. This is both the core element of true self-esteem and its outcome. It’s a reciprocal cycle. The more I take care of myself and set boundaries with others, the more strong and adult and secure and clear about my rights I feel, and the easier it gets to take care of myself and set boundaries with others and so on and so on and so on to happiness, peace, passion and fulfillment.

• I have just as much of a right to take up space as everyone else.

My opinions are just as important as anyone else’s.

• If I make a mistake or am wrong about something I am not stupid or bad or forever flawed, I am simply wrong about that thing or made a mistake. I can apologize. I can learn and do things differently/better the next time around. I am deserving of forgiveness and a second chance. And if the folks I’m around don’t get that and can’t forgive; or feel the need to judge me or put me down I can tell them that’s not okay, “That doesn’t meet my needs for trust or safety or respect,” and give them a chance to apologize to me themselves. If they don’t I can separate from them and find people who get that life is for learning, mistakes will happen, and that it’s whether I learn from them and grow that makes my life purposeful and well-lived.

• My responsibility is to my own needs and feelings first – period.

This is the blueprint for a healthy, rationally thinking, balanced, peaceful, happy, passionate and fulfilled being.

There is nothing on this list that you can’t have, do or be with a little practice and a willingness to acknowledge that your training in how to be a good human was facilitated by disciples of the Spanish Inquisition School of Humanity!

My self-imposed role in your life is to help you to get to this place of true peace and fulfillment as quickly as possible.

Whether you binge or purge or restrict or use alcohol or drugs or spending or isolating or relationship obsession to manage your stress and keep yourself numb and preoccupied, I’m here to help you through. All of these patterns stem from the same place and therefore, one approach will show you how to overcome any and all of these patterns that might be in your life or the lives of people you care about.

I had a very precious moment today as I was gifted with an opportunity to fully realize that my little girl dreams had come true.

My wish is that every one of you reading this will, one day, if you don’t already, feel exactly the way I do today and know that you created it. You made it happen. It’s yours. It’s not a fluke; and no one can take it from you. You are safe. You are secure. You are worthy of love and acceptance from yourself and others. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect by yourself and others at all times. You are loved.

Love,

We have a sensitive topic between us in regards to another dear family member and how best to support them through a difficult time.

We often need to agree to just set this topic aside and trust that we will come back to it and it will get sorted in the way we always do, respectfully, amicably, fairly.

This time around, I didn’t do so well with that!

We agreed we were not going to bring up that topic during our quality time together that day. I committed to that. I meant it. And then….as we talked of this and that….the conversation naturally segued into a discussion about this situation and what the best solution might be so everyone feels good about it.

I admit, I brought it up. In my defence, I was halfway through my second or third sentence about it before I realized I had shifted from one topic to that one.

What I would like to have done, and what I will do in the future, and have done in the past, would be to say “Ooops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up. I know we had an agreement not to. Can you forgive me? And can we start again?”

What I did instead was justify bringing it up (to myself) by thinking – “oh, this wasn’t intentional, it just ….happened.” And, “He’s not flipping out and telling me I shouldn’t be, so it must be fine, right?”

Um. No.

Where was my integrity? Where was my accountability to my word, regardless of what he was or wasn’t asserting? What had I committed to? And if I wanted to change my commitment I needed to ask him if that was okay and tell him why that was important to me.

That’s healthy. That’s my norm. That wasn’t what I did here.

As I left the room after this conversation I noticed I felt that niggle. I don’t feel it often these days – thank goodness. But there it was.

I felt sad that I had compromised our quality time which is so precious to me. I felt sad that I had shown myself to him to not keep my word in that conversation. I felt scared that his trust in my word would be compromised and that that might influence the beautiful warmth we share.

Of course, as I realized that, I also realized I had a wee bit of all or nothing going on there. I know my sweetheart, and one lapse will not compromise us. But I did also realize that I had compromised his needs for respect and trust and fun and play, and my own too.

I had some apologizing to do.

And so I sought him out. It sounded like this:

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry that I didn’t honour my commitment to leave that topic alone. I understand that that didn’t meet needs for trust or respect or fun (or peace) for you and I am sorry for that. I am also sad that I missed out on some quality time with you because of that. Next time I commit to leaving a topic alone I will do so. Is there anything you need from me in order to be able to let this go?”

He was satisfied with that but naturally disappointed at how our time had gone. It was no big deal, he says. Hugs ensued and all was well again.

That’s all I could do in the moment. The final piece, the proof – would simply require time for a similar situation to arise and for me to put my money where my mouth is!

As long as I trust myself to follow through on my commitment I can (and do) feel peaceful now.

It was no big deal, this time.

But imagine if I did this often; made promises and violated them, and didn’t apologize or, even if I did apologize, my behaviour didn’t change. How many times could I expect him to warmly let it go? Not too many. None of us could, or would. Soon the respect would vanish, cutting remarks would flow freely, we would not feel safe or trusting of each other and naturally our intimacy would be a thing of the past. Soon, we’re another divorce statistic.

Relationships are fragile things. Well established relationships, where we have demonstrated mutual trust, safety and respect, naturally provide more room for us to make mistakes. The irony is that these healthy connections are what they are because we prioritize the sense of respect and trust and safety we feel from and with our partner and that we provide to them. As such, we rarely step in giant piles of crud and violate our agreements with them or compromise their trust and safety with us in any big way. More often we experience little episodes, like mine above. And assuming we apologize readily and change our behaviour accordingly, we actually end up making what could have been a trust diminishing experience into a trust building experience.

The relationship is stronger for our learned experience and for the experience of mutual trust and safety and respect that gets demonstrated when we apologize sincerely, change our behaviour and are forgiven and the issue is dropped.

If key people in our lives are not willing to give us a chance to err and apologize and show that we can learn from our mistakes the relationship will become a fear based, perfectionist nightmare and we will feel stagnant and stifled and likely develop coping strategies like binging, purging, anorexia, or restriction (chronic dieting), drinking, toking, shopping and isolating to name a few.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship where your partner couldn’t let an old issue go; kept bringing up how you forgot their birthday etc. you know how devastating that can be to the sense of respect and safety you feel with that person and to how intimate you want to be with them.

This situation typically occurs when that “bringer upper” feels that, not only did you not demonstrate understanding and respect for their needs in that situation, but that they lack trust in you in the present because in some way(s) you’re still doing things that don’t meet their needs for respect, trust, consideration etc.

If you want that person to never bring up that situation again, ask them what needs they had in that situation that weren’t met and how they feel that you’re still not meeting those needs today – in what way?  I guarantee you you’ll learn a lot and you’ll never ever have to hear about that birthday again! (Assuming you follow through on honouring those needs from here on in.)

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. Being able to sincerely offer it and receive it is a precious gift.

I don’t believe we should offer forgiveness until it feels right and peaceful within us to do so. I believe that in order for us to feel that sense of peace and trust we need to be able let things go, we have to be provided with a few key things:

1. We need an apology that lets us know that the other person really understands what didn’t work for me in the situation – “I’m sorry for….”
2. We need some reassurance of what the person will do differently in the future – what are they committing to doing differently or to not doing again, that will help us to trust that we won’t experience that again with them?
3. We need time: Time for that person to demonstrate respect and caring for us in a variety of ways and time for that situation (or one like it) to arise again and for us to see that they respond differently. That’s when true forgiveness naturally occurs. And at that point, it just happens, there’s no decision to make, nothing to do, it just is forgiven.

Often people suggest we should “forgive and forget.”

I say, “If I have not received an apology and have no reason to assume that that won’t happen again, why should I forgive? Why would I forget? That just shows that I don’t learn from my life experiences and that I’m a doormat!”

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m carrying this experience (whatever it might be…say my father’s abuse in my childhood) every day and carrying anger, pain, suffering, resentment etc. because I haven’t “forgiven.”

In fact, I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for my father’s life experiences that made him who he was. I still don’t want to have a relationship with him though because he’s never apologized and never done anything to reassure me he gets that what he did was not okay and that he’s done some work on himself that that I could trust he’d never hurt me or my family again. If that were to come down the pike, I’d consider reconnecting. Without that, no thanks.

I’m not mad. I’m not bitter. I’m not sad. It just is what it is. My door is open should the above happen. And if not, I’m content to have empathy for him, and compassion and trust and safety and respect for myself in honouring my boundary.

In other words, when someone has violated our trust, safety, and respect we need to know and to let them know that our desire to be close to them will be naturally compromised until we know it’s truly safe to do so because they’ve done steps 1 and 2 above and step 3 has naturally happened.

There is soooo much more I could say on each of the points in this article. If you’d like me to say more let me know and I’ll do so.

I hope this helps you to understand why you feel as you do with certain people in your life and why you feel so anxious at times that you use food to cope and harm yourself in that way.

For those of you who are past or current cedric clients and/or take part in the web program, let this article spur discussion with your family and friends, and on our peer support forum, about the topic of forgiveness and the things they can’t seem let go of, or relationships that they can’t seem to feel safe and close in, and maybe you can help them understand why that might be.

If you’re new to CEDRIC and these articles, welcome. And please know, there is a relatively simple solution to all this relationship mayhem and food stress. It takes practice but it’s simple. My team and I are here to show you how when you’re ready.

Love

If there are ever times these days, when you find yourself feeling stuck between agreeing with someone else’s perspective or holding your ground and honouring your thoughts / feelings / experience, then it is highly likely you’ve been trained to think in an all or nothing way that sounds something like this:

• If I acknowledge any validity in what you are saying that means I am completely negating my perspective and that makes you “right” and me “wrong.”

Or, put another way:

• If I let you know that I understand why you think and feel as you do that means I’m saying it’s right or okay and that means you won’t take the time to acknowledge or validate my perspective, nor will you see any need to grow or change (if your perspective/approach doesn’t work for me).  In other words if I acknowledge that I understand you it means I am agreeing with you and therefore I am agreeing to things continuing to be as they are; agreeing that you are “right” and therefore I am “wrong.” I’m not okay with how things are therefore I can’t acknowledge your perspective.  (This, by the way, is the mentality that leads to most of the divorces in our society).

Not so my friends, not so! In fact, this way of thinking really only indicates that you have received an overdose of irrational thought training – aka All or Nothing Thinking.

Why can’t I acknowledge, (if it is true), that I understand why you did what you did, thought what you thought, felt what you felt, and still have a valid perspective myself, or still assert that, moving forward, things need to happen differently?

Why, if I demonstrate any understanding for you does it completely negate my perspective, my needs, and close the door to any understanding for me (first and foremost from myself – and secondly from you)?

The only answer to that question is that you’ve been raised to believe that there is one, absolute RIGHT and anything else is absolutely 100% WRONG!

You don’t want to be WRONG, that’s understandable.

But if there’s only one right and only one wrong and no room for understanding WHY people do what they do and that, based on how they are seeing the world or the situation, their perspective makes sense to them, you are existing in a very stuck, closed minded world where you will be chronically insecure and defensive, feeling great anxiety and overwhelm at the mere thought of someone thinking or feeling differently than you; never putting yourself out there for people to know you; assuming that their judgement or different perspective makes them right, which means you’re stupid or lacking in some way and it’s just a matter of time before people reject you because you think differently about something, and then going home and binging, purging, restricting, drinking etc. etc. to cope with the anxiety and stress of your life and the fears of things repeating themselves tomorrow.

Okay – you’ve been taught to think this way. Based on what you’ve been taught through the words and actions of key people in your life, there is no room to think differently. You will be judged, ridiculed, shamed, ostracized, rejected (ie. emotionally abused) or physically  abused for thinking differently.

But you don’t have to continue to buy into that limited, dysfunctional perspective on the world – they can, but you don’t have to. In fact, your healing and true happiness in life demands that you let it go: And, the sooner the better.

The truth is every emotion and every behaviour that you experience is perfectly right given the thoughts you are having in that moment. That is not the same thing as saying it is healthy or even rational.

But it is true that your emotions and your behaviours stem from your thoughts, so if you’re feeling sad, or depressed, or anxious or right pissed off, it doesn’t make you weak or bad or wrong – that’s totally missing the point.

Your emotions stem from your thoughts. So if you’re feeling anxious, the only explanation is that you’ve just had a thought that triggered you to feel anxious. If you’re eating and you’re not hungry it means simply that you’ve just had a feeling that overwhelmed you, and that feeling stemmed from a thought that triggered a need for numbing or nurturing and that the way you’ve learned to meet those needs for numbing or soothing or nurturing is through food.

That makes sense. And, it doesn’t make you stupid or lazy or lacking willpower when you just see things clearly. In fact, when you see things clearly, it often makes you relax, feel more compassion towards yourself and seek to understand what that triggering thought was so you don’t go down that path again.

This is healthy! This is rational! And this is what The CEDRIC Method is all about.

So, if you’re thinking that there is only one right perspective and that to acknowledge that the other person’s perspective is valid for them (or may even have some degree of validity for you too), makes you 100% wrong or stupid, you’re stuck in All or Nothing Thinking and it’s time to learn to think with a more adult, rational perspective on the world.

It’s not possible that there is only one right way to think or feel or behave. Look at all the different ways people dress, or wear their hair or makeup; look at all the different cultures and languages and spiritual beliefs in the world. Is any one of these RIGHT?

I was at the store the other day with my dear hubby helping him choose his first pair of glasses and I was struck by all the posters and images of these super cool, super sexy young folk wearing glasses. It wasn’t that long ago that humans, in their infinite tolerance for things that are different (sarcasm intended), ridiculed and ostracised people for wearing glasses.

Back then, those glass wearing humans were believed to be just plain “stupid.” They were nerds. They were totally uncool. They were sub-human. Now, not many years later, they are super cool and super sexy; as they say, Nerdy is the new sexy! Who knew!

Don’t even get me started on the “logic” of racial prejudice and the determination of worth or intellect based on the color of a person’s skin or the slant of their eyes.

The point here is, if you are existing in your world today with a perspective that says that you and “they” can’t both have valid points, you haven’t come much farther in your ability to think rationally and reasonably than those folks who said dark skin, or glasses, or scruffy clothes made you less human and therefore less intelligent and less worthy of respect and dignity and happiness.

Just so we’re clear. That way of thinking was also true of me, and not so long ago. I know that those who think in an all or nothing way have come by it honestly. I know you didn’t choose it but were taught to think that way.

And, I know that now, as an adult you can learn to think in a more rational way; a way that allows for different perspectives, different feelings, different approaches to things – yes, it’s okay for your husband to stack the pots on top and the cups on the bottom of the dishwasher! He can be right and you can be right – as long as the dishes get done, does it really matter?

You can learn to allow for those different perspectives while honouring your own and while also being open to learning. You never know, maybe (and this is often true), the actual best solution for the situation at hand requires a combined approach – aspects of your thoughts and approach combined with aspects of theirs. And if you didn’t take the time to listen and learn about what others think and why they think it, you’d never get to see how your perspective fits in and enhances theirs and vice versa. And whether they “get it” and also see the value in what you think and do, does that really matter if you now understand them better and you have maybe even learned a new piece of information that will benefit you in the future?

Life is about learning. In order to feel safe opening yourself to new thoughts and behaviours you have to be able to trust yourself to honour your values and principles and not be swayed by pressure or exuberance on the part of others.

If you’re binging, purging or restricting I know you’re not honouring your core values and I expect that you know it too. That makes it a lot harder for you to trust yourself and assert yourself with others and therefore to be open to asking them questions and to validating aspects of their perspective.

There is so much I could say on this topic. In fact I’m writing a book on it. In the meantime ask me your questions. Tell me what doesn’t make sense. Give me the opportunity to help you, through this newsletter or through some one on one work, to begin to feel the peace and strength that come from thinking clearly.

I want to challenge you this week to notice, just notice, how you vacillate between feeling small and stupid or insecure if someone challenges your perspective or seems to have judgement of your or, unwittingly, expresses an opinion contrary to yours and/or (at least in your mind) judging them as stupid and wrong or lazy for thinking and behaving as they do.

Notice how you feel when you go to those places of judgment and then just ask yourself:

“What am I telling myself would happen if I acknowledged that what they think or feel or how they are doing something is right for them?”

If you want to take it a step further here’s what you do: Ask a question!

Ask what makes them think or feel or behave that way. Don’t assume you know and that they are right or you are right. Be open to learning. Ask questions and you will be absolutely amazed how quickly you feel more at peace in that moment and how quickly you start to feel like more of an equal in the world at large.

The natural outcome of challenging your assumptions/all or nothing thinking in the way I’m suggesting is high self-esteem and a life well lived.

Go for it!

Love

This question comes up often in my work with clients, and rightly so. There is much confusion about the distinction between co-dependency and the insecurity it fosters and healthy interdependence and the natural and appropriate concern and consideration of others that it contains.

Many spiritual teachers would say that no one can be truly upset with you. They would say that at best people can be upset by the stories they are telling themselves about you that are triggered by their assumptions and projections of who you are and who you should be and by their story that you are responsible for their needs in some way. Thus, when someone is “upset with you” they are merely upset that you are not living up to the projection and stories they have in their heads about what you should or shouldn’t do/say or be.

I will say that I find incredible peace and enjoyment in my relationships with others when, if I notice I’m starting to get angry, hurt or anxious, in relation to someone, I separate my “story” of what someone should or shouldn’t have done from the truth of what they actually did and seek to understand their motivation (ie. the needs they were seeking to meet); discuss with the situation with them from a place of seeking to understand and to be understood (rather than seeking to be ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’); and (in most cases) come to a solution that truly meets both parties needs. In other words, the less I take other people’s behaviour personally and simply see it as their best attempt to meet their own needs in that moment, the happier I am in my relationships and resentments just don’t accumulate.

And, if we find that we have too many differences in values or beliefs in our relationship with someone, we can detach from that person from a place of loving and respecting them for who they are while simultaneously recognizing that we are not a match for partnership/friendship/peer relationship, etc. We don’t have to “reject” or “ostracize” the other person simply because we are not a fit. It is not either or; all-or-nothing.

In my experience, that philosophy only works when you have a few key pieces beneath your belt.

1. You know what your values and principles are and you know that you are honoring them in your relationships with others (regardless of their perception or judgement of you).
2. You are conscious of your intention in your interaction with others and you know that it is/was in alignment with your values and principles. (This provides you with the powerful gift of integrity which provides a sense of solidity, strength and peace that is unparalleled in the human experience).
3. You have the courage and the skills to speak respectfully, clearly, and concisely about what you are feeling and about what you are witnessing in the other person, without taking it on (ie. are you mad at me?), and thus you trust yourself to seek to understand them first, and then to be understood by them (if necessary – I find that often when I truly understand someone else’s intent/thought process that is sufficient for me to let the situation rest).

Because you know what your values and principles are and because you know you acted from your best intention in your interactions with whomever you are relating to, you are not going to feel “bad” or “wrong” or immediately shameful when someone is upset or angry with you. Instead, you will feel a healthy concern for them and for the relationship between you two. You will communicate directly and clearly about what you’re witnessing, you’ll ask questions about what’s going on for the other person, and if you should discover that, unbeknownst to you, you did do something that did not honor your values and principles and did not meet needs for the other person, you’ll offer a full apology:

“I am sorry that I….. I understand how that impacted you (here you clearly state your understanding of the impact of your actions so the other person can hear that you really “get it” or so they can clarify if your understanding isn’t full)….I offer you my reassurance that I won’t do that again (if you can make that commitment – if not, be honest about what you can commit to and why)…Is there anything more that you need from me in order to completely step past this?”

We offer this apology only when we truly feel that we have compromised our own values and principles and acted from a place that is not our best self. We don’t offer this apology when we acted with integrity and it didn’t meet needs for the other person. In that case we offer a statement like this:

“I understand that what I did did not meet needs for X (trust, safety, reliability, friendship, etc.) for you and that you would like some reassurance that I will not do that again. I cannot commit to that. I would like to explain the reason that I did/said what I did/said and see if there is some way that we can both get what we need in ways that feel honoring to us both. Would you be willing to hear my perspective?”

What are we going to feel if the other person doesn’t say yes? Well, if we’re solid in our values and principles and the integrity of our actions, we’re going to feel acceptance, “Oh, well, let me know if you’d like to talk about this another time.”  We may feel some degree of sadness that the other is choosing to misunderstand us and that that means our relationship, at least for now, is compromised to some extent. This is not codependence. This is interdependence. If I were to panic, get hooked on having the other person’s approval and understanding, lose sight of my own values and principles and my own sense of the intention of my actions, in favor of this person’s judgement of me, that is co-dependence.

To be concerned about the quality of your bond with someone; to want to be understood; to desire to be given the benefit of the doubt; to want others to think fondly of you, is healthy, normal human behaviour. We are pack animals after all. We need each other for our survival, physically and emotionally (less and less intimately, as our society develops, but we need each other nonetheless).

Where it turns from healthy concern and interdependence to obsession and co-dependency is when you are willing to compromise your own values and principles and integrity to get someone to like you or to be “happy with you.” Here we have a problem, a big one. This is the place where we will feel anxious most of the time, where we will use food or alcohol or shopping or isolation or procrastination to cope with our feelings of insecurity/anxiety that are triggered by our unmet needs for acceptance and for self-esteem. You see, as long as I am even willing to consider compromising my values and principles (including my self-care) for someone else, I am diminishing my self-esteem, I am deepening my insecurity, and I am actually doing harm to any relationship in which I choose to do that. I am inviting abusive, dysfunctional people into my world.

We only feel uneasy or downright anxious/panicked within when we feel that we have needs that aren’t being met. So if we’re anxious about what’s happening in a relationship or what we think someone is thinking/feeling towards us, it is simply an indicator that we have needs in that situation that aren’t being met (they might be in our head or they might be real). We have to ask ourselves what we are telling ourselves about the needs we have that we believe must get met through this person. This is us putting our happiness and our power in someone else’s hands. We must remind ourselves immediately and frequently that there is never just one person who can meet certain needs for us. There is always an option for you to get needs met from more than one person.

Our responsibility in relationships with others is to honor our values and principles, and to communicate clearly and respectfully. If it seems someone is upset with us, our responsibility is to check in with ourselves as to whether we can identify something we did/said that compromised our values and principles in this relationship and if we can’t, identify any such action within 10 seconds of introspection, we must trust that our intention was good and that any action on our part that “hurt” someone else was either nothing to do with us at all or an unconscious oversight on our part, ie. an accident, a mistake, and we must forgive ourselves and are entitled to forgiveness from others. We let go any self-judgement and just ask the other person what’s up. (This is easy to do when we are clear in the integrity of our actions, less so when we know we have done something that compromised our values – in this latter situation we go to apology #1).

When you know that you honored, to the best of your ability, your values and principles in your actions; when you know that your intention was good and coming from your highest self, you have integrity, you have peace; you have strength within. From this place, you can hear that you inadvertently offended, hurt, angered, frightened someone and you can take full responsibility for that without feeling like you are a bad person, wrong or diminished in any way. Even if it turns out that, unconsciously, you did compromise your values in a certain action, you can take full responsibility and apologize for that without feeling at all diminished or bad. It was a mistake, you did not mean to do it or do it at all consciously. You acknowledge it, you learn from it, and you grow and move on.

A healthy interdependent person will offer empathy and compassion, trusting themselves to set clear boundaries about what they need and thus be able to communicate clearly and respectfully about what isn’t feeling okay to them without shame, blame, or rejection.  When you are clear on your values and principles and the intention behind your actions and you seek to understand the intention of others, you will find that any old co-dependent connections either quickly become interdependent ones or fall away and you are left with connections where people are more interested in taking responsibility for themselves and in having a warm and intimate connection with you than they are in controlling you and in being “right.”

Values, principles and best intention = Integrity = Peace

Have a great week!

Love

The only reason you ever use food to cope, no exceptions, is because you have needs (See Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Basic Needs Chart on the left) that aren’t being met in some area of your life and you’ve told yourself that you’re not allowed, not deserving, or just not capable of getting them met, no matter what you do. These stories you’re telling yourself lead you to feel depressed and anxious, lethargic and frantic, in other words, they overwhelm you.

And when you’re feeling overwhelmed about something you believe you can’t do anything to change or resolve, the only thing to do is to find a way to diminish or discount the impact of that thing: to numb out.

In comes your primary coping strategy.

Is it binging?

• Is it restricting calories, certain kinds of foods, or times of eating regardless of whether you’re hungry or not?
• Is it purging (through an hour or two of exercise, through laxatives, or vomiting)?
• Is it an attachment to a certain weight or way of looking?
• Is it drinking?
• What about drugs; shopping; gambling; the pursuit of that perfect relationship?
• Do you take responsibility for what others feel, or what others need?
• Do you procrastinate to cope with overwhelming things?
• Do you isolate yourself?
• Do you avoid certain people or places?
• Do you resist downtime?
• Do you resist going to bed at a reasonable hour?
• Are you a clean freak? Or just the opposite?

How do you currently cope with the unmet needs in your life?

Which of the above coping strategies do you use when you have needs that aren’t being met? Make a mental note or write them down.

The solution?

Step 1: Learn to immediately identify when you have needs that aren’t being met.

Step 2: Learn to acknowledge and validate those needs, rather than question or squash or judge them.

Step 3: Learn how best to meet your needs in ways that are lasting and life-enhancing. This builds self-esteem and creates a life that is peaceful, balanced, passionate and fulfilling.

Step 4: Live, have fun, enjoy, practice good self-care without effort and never even think about using any harmful coping strategy again.

But before you can live in step 4 you have to master steps 1 – 3.

Each of us has an appropriately and naturally occurring sensation of discomfort or distress when we have a need that isn’t being met. I call it “the niggle.” A sense of “something’s not right” or “I just can’t relax” or, even worse: “Something bad is going to happen.” Your goal is to learn to identify immediately when the niggle arises. And, instead of judging it and numbing out to it with one of your coping strategies, you’re going to do this:

1. Acknowledge that you have a need that isn’t being met. “I am feeling that niggly sensation. That means I have a need that isn’t being met.”
2. Ask yourself what you were just thinking or what just happened that may have triggered you to feel stressed (niggly).
3. Then ask yourself: “What has to happen with that situation I was just imagining in order for me to feel completely peaceful?” (However unlikely or unreal it may seem, let yourself get clear on what you really need in that situation in order to feel peaceful about it – write it down!)
4. And voila, you’ve identified your unmet needs and can now set about learning how to meet them. You may also discover that your niggle was arising not from any present-day unmet needs but from memories of old painful circumstances or from imagining certain future events in a way that made you feel niggly (ie. that your needs wouldn’t be met in the future).

Most of us have such a long history of judging and tuning out to our needs that just doing step 1 is a challenge on our own, let alone steps 3 and 4.

That’s where I come in.

It doesn’t have to take a long time. It doesn’t have to be “hard.” It’s only taken awhile, but it’s been challenging so far because you’ve been trying the wrong thing over and over. It typically takes 5 or 6 sessions to get the basic tools in your tool kit (or one weekend workshop) and then a few follow-up sessions as you road test them.

There is this ridiculous mentality out there in the medical system and amidst many eating disorder and substance abuse recovery facilities that once you’ve got an eating disorder, or alcoholism etc., you’ve got it for life and that the best you can do is learn to live in such a way that minimizes its effect on your life. Well, that is just not true at all. That is the most defeating, paralyzing mentality anyone can have and it’s no wonder that by the time people come to work with me, they’re feeling completely stuck and hopeless.

I want to reassure you that your use of food to cope, in whatever way you do it, and any other harmful coping strategy you engage in, can be completely overcome and left behind for good. And you don’t have to go through years and years of arduous, white-knuckling it, just a few months of consistent practice of a new way of looking at yourself and at the world is all it takes.

It’s all about needs. You can choose to continue to judge your needs and shame yourself for having them, and therefore doom yourself to stay stuck where you are. Or you can allow for the possibility that in a short period of time, even if you don’t know how, you can learn to identify and meet your needs in ways that makes you feel stronger and happier than ever before and that make your relationships with others the way you’ve only ever dreamed of.

That’s been my experience as a completely recovered binge eater and exercise bulimic, and as a specialist with over 17 year’s experience in this field. There is hope. There is freedom. There is an amazing life waiting for you!

Love,

Often we get blindsided by certain comments or expressions or situations in general and, if we’re not grounded we can find ourselves reacting and feeling anxious and behaving as though we have to “prove” that we are right or that we are decent people or that the other person is wrong.

This tactic only ever makes us feel vulnerable, insecure and small. And it is an experience that will inevitably lead us to use our food coping strategy either by getting angry with ourselves and restricting or by feeling small and powerless and binging to numb out and nurture ourselves. Either way we lose.

So, let’s do some reconnaissance this week on this pattern.

Notice:

1. When you feel like you’re put on the defensive (you’re being attacked or judged by others).
2. When you’re suddenly anxious or feeling insecure with someone.
3. When you feel like to have to have the “right” answer on the fly.
4. When you hear yourself explaining your reasons for certain choices or actions or beliefs in a tone other than peaceful and chill.
5. When you hear yourself justifying your behaviour; arguing about your rightness; rather than just acknowledging it didn’t work for the other person or that you dropped the ball, forgot, or chose not to follow through.

When you notice these indicators of defensiveness and excuse making, start by zipping your lip. Even if you’re in mid-sentence. Stop talking!  Excuse yourself (no pun intended), leave the room/situation as quickly as you can. You can say something like “I need to think about that, I’ll get back to you.”  And go!

Then sit down with you pen and paper or lap top/ipad/etc. and answer the following questions:

1. What are you telling yourself about yourself vs. that person/situation? What do they have or know that you don’t?
2. Is there really a right and wrong? They might think so, but do you have to agree with them? Can’t you be right and they also be right?
3. What do you know that led you to think or behave as you did? What do they believe or know that led them to judge that or think and behave as they did? What was their part in it and what was yours? Could you own your part without taking all the responsibility? Can you simply say, “You know, I was thinking about X and I can see what you mean….” And let go of whether they own their bit or not. You know your part has been taken care of; you did the adult thing; and you know that it wasn’t all you, that your perspective had validity too.
4. Defensiveness implies that you are feeling anxious because you believe you need that person’s approval and you believe that you’re not getting it or not going to get it. Can you let go of needing their agreement or approval in order to be able to see the truth in your perspective? If they never ever saw “it” your way could you still be right in your actions based on your perspective at the time?
5. Defensiveness implies that you have given yourself just two options – your way or their way. Explore how you could make room for both. What truth can you find in their perspective? What truth can you find in yours?
6. What solution could you come to that meets the needs of all parties? DO NOT ever agree to something that doesn’t meet your needs. If you can’t find a solution that meets your needs as well as theirs in some way, your responsibility is to yourself first and the two of you are going to have to agree to take care of your own needs in this situation. (This is exceptionally rare! Maybe one situation in 100.)

See what you discover when you write out these answers and explore your thoughts in response to a situation that triggered some insecurity or defensiveness for you or where you felt you had to make an excuse and couldn’t just ask for what you needed or just simply say “I’m sorry.”

Send me your thoughts. Let me know what you turn up and I’ll respond to your sharing and we’ll look at some solutions to, and deepen your understanding of, this pattern.

Remember, your use of food to cope and your body image stress are inextricably linked to how you are thinking in situations just like these so the more you understand what’s triggering you in these situations the less you’ll get triggered and the less you’ll need to engage in restriction (dieting, anorexia), binging (overeating) or purging.

Have an insightful week!!!

Love,

Before I dive in to this week’s article which is a response to a question/sharing from a newsletter reader I thought I’d share a piece of feedback I received that will help you to appreciate the value of giving this a try:

“Recently I made a comment and was judged for it.  I felt terrible because this is an issue I have had before and I want so badly to be a person who is accepted and thought well of. When I went through the questions I realized that the person who had criticized me was likely insecure too and it wasn’t JUST about me.  It was a helpful exercise.”

That’s great news!! I love hearing how just a few minutes of conscious, structured exploration can bring such peace and clarity!! Yay!

And now for this week’s question and answer from Anna.

“I so desperately want to be a gracious person but it seems I am always coming out with some comment that is less than gracious or some overreaction.  I envy my neighbour who is truly gracious and even though I observe how it is done I can’t get there myself and often feel judged for my reactions and beat myself up repeatedly about this.  I realize you can’t become someone else overnight but my progress is so slow that sometimes I feel I am peddling backwards. On the other hand if I’m constantly on guard and managing my image I feel like a boring flat person.”

Thanks for taking time to share your observations and frustrations here Anna.

It is really frustrating and quite overwhelming to feel like your best attempts at warmth and friendliness and authenticity seem to be received as though you’ve just said you have the plague!

These moments used to completely depress me and lead me to feel about 1 cm tall!

To get out of this rut there were two concepts that I used simultaneously to help me make incredibly speedy progress with this and to learn a tonne about myself and others so that I could feel more confident in my own skin and not want to crawl under a rock whenever I said something that went over like a lead balloon.

First, the part that is about you:

Your part is to slow down, catch yourself before you speak. Notice the tone you were about to use, your body language and the words you were about to speak. Ask yourself, “What is my intention in saying this right now? Is what I’m about to say and how I’m about to say it likely to create my desired outcome?”

Waiting to speak until your words and intentions are in alignment will take care of almost all of this issue for you. Not because you’ll never be judged or misunderstood again, although those instances will be markedly rare, but because you’ll know that you had integrity in your communication. You weren’t saying what you said to hurt or make fun of someone, nor were you doing it as a manipulative or unclear way of getting your needs met by others.

You have integrity when your words and actions align. This integrity naturally brings a sense of solidity and peace and the judgement of others can’t shake. Yes, it’s frustrating to be misunderstood or judged for being yourself, to be sure, but when you know you had integrity in your actions and words you will know that the judgement of others is indicative of either of the two following scenarios:

1. They are misunderstanding you (which can be rectified by simply asking them to tell you what they heard you say: “It seems like you might have misunderstood me, what did you just hear me say?”). You’ll be surprised how quickly things get resolved when we just ask this simple question!
2. They are not a good fit for you as a friend/peer etc. They just don’t agree. They think differently and while differences are a natural part of friendship and partnership, if those differences are in a key area (a core value or principle) or if the other person demonstrates their judgement with contempt or disrespect or is simply closed to allowing for more than one perspective on the situation it is a strong indicator that they are not a good fit for you as a friend.

The message they are sending is “Think like me or you’re wrong.”  Sorry! That’s a pile of pahooey and we can never be truly happy in any relationship where independent thought is judged. This isn’t the bloomin’ Spanish Inquisition! Freedom of thought and authentic expression is your right as a human being in a free society. Don’t get stuck looking to anyone else for approval – your own gut will tell you whether you had integrity in your actions and that’s all you need to know!

Often times, situations that look like #2 are actually #1 and starting out with the simple question “What did you just hear me say?” will reveal which is which and often deepen and strengthen relationships that you otherwise might have walked away from.

You can see how much of the stress of this issue can be taken care of simply by you being more mindful of your words and making sure that the way you’re communicating them is going to really carry them well. Don’t be afraid to be extra quiet for a little while, while you’re noticing this. It’s actually much better to zip it and just observe than to play that old game of feeling that you need to join in and say something when you haven’t really thought it through.

It won’t be long before this is just an integrated skill and you won’t have to think about it, but give yourself a little time to practice it.

Second, the part that is about them (but still, really, about you).

I call this my 10 second rule.

If you’re getting a reaction from someone or they are avoiding you or doing something that feels like they are upset or rejecting you, you have 10 seconds to reflect on what you may have done that would have upset them or not met their needs in some way.

If you can’t think of anything (this is so much easier when the first piece regarding integrity is your way of being) then you have two choices.

1. Let it go! Assume it isn’t about you and know that at the very least, if they are thinking it’s about you it’s a misunderstanding because your intentions were good.
2. Ask them about their behaviour. “I notice you’re a little withdrawn today, is everything okay?”  or “You seem frustrated, what’s up?”  In other words you do not approach them openly with the assumption that you are their problem, because 99% of the time you won’t be. You approach them with openness to hear that you may have inadvertently upset them but you’re not buying into that as the only possible reason for their behaviour. You’ll see very quickly, after just one or two of these conversations that behaviours that you were certain were “about you” had nothing to do with you and you’ll learn very quickly to read others behaviour  much more effectively.

So, there you go. Start out with integrity in your actions and words and then relationships with others get pretty simple (not effortless or without bumps in the road, but much less stressful and traumatic and things get resolved much more easily as a result).

Remember the 10 second rule and don’t let yourself continue to spin a story of what you’ve done to upset someone. Ask! Or let it go.

Love,