On this trip, I was going to see him for his thoughts on why my sleep hadn’t been so great the past month or so. He immediately assessed my situation perfectly, stating that the only problem I had was that I was feeling a sense of a lack of community in Vancouver as I plan my transition there and he encouraged/insisted that I join him and his team at his new, state-of-the-art, clinic in Richmond, as well as out of the centre in Kitsilano and begin to offer lectures, seminars and workshops there. So, of course, I said…”Yes! Thank you!!!!”

I felt instantly relieved and relaxed and very supported as I considered the expansion of CEDRIC to a new town. A great supporter of my work for a number of years now, Dr. Varma is 2 weeks away from opening the doors on his amazing new 20,000 sq. ft. facility with state-of-the-art lab facilities in Richmond. The facility will have among its staff: 2 General Practitioners (one who is also a Naturopathic Physician); 1 Oncologist; 1 Gynacologist; Dr. Varma, and his staff at the Ayurvedic Centre; and other services as well.  They will be able to fully assess and analyze many health concerns (hormone imbalances, cancer, blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.) very quickly in their own onsite lab.

Any who, I could go on. But suffice it to say, I’m very, very excited to have been invited to be a part of this new integrative health clinic and to be able to step into a community of like-minded practitioners. It really is just the cure I was seeking for my moving to Vancouver jitters and now that I feel that CEDRIC has a place to land, I feel much more relaxed and peaceful, and excited about the move.

This experience is a fine example of how, when we have needs that aren’t being met, we really just can’t completely relax. Any feeling of anxiety or unrest is an indicator of unmet needs.

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Basic Human Needs, the most fundamental needs of humans are the physiological needs for food, air, water, rest, and procreation of the species. Many species exist on this level alone.

The next level on the hierarchy are the physical safety and security needs. This level pertains to obvious things that are important to our sense of safety, like not being physically or sexually abused or having the threat of such things around you, but it also pertains to things that many people experience without even realizing the fundamental impact: divorce; separation; moving from neighborhood to neighborhood or town to town; financial concerns; witnessing or hearing about something violent or harmful happening to someone close to you. These are all powerful examples of experiences that will, without exception, undermine your sense of physical safety and security, at least temporarily (until the problem is resolved and you’ve had time to debrief, heal and really trust that the problem won’t recur). And until you have that reassurance, you will undoubtedly continue to feel a little anxious if not downright panicked depending on the situation.  This is often where many of us turn to food to cope with the anxiety and uncertainty we naturally feel in these painful situations.

The next level on the hierarchy, which we can dabble in but can’t fully ascend to while any lower level needs are compromised, is the level of love, acceptance and belongingness. I call it the emotional security level. Here we are seeking to meet needs in our primary relationships (parents, siblings, teachers, peers) and then in our greater community and world at large.  What we’re really doing is looking outside of ourselves to key people in our lives for messages (verbal and non-verbal) about our worth, deservedness, okayness and overall lovability. If the messages we receive from those key people are reinforcing of us as lovable and worthwhile and deserving of care and of time, energy, dignity and respect we naturally internalize those messages and they become our sense of self.

Also known as our self-esteem. How we esteem ourselves comes directly from what we have been taught to think and feel about ourselves from watching and experiencing the behaviours of the key people in our lives towards us. Thus, it makes perfect sense that “Esteem” is the next level on Maslow’s Hierarchy after love, acceptance and belongingness.  If we have any unmet needs on the level of love, acceptance and belongingness we will feel emotionally insecure (to varying degrees depending on the degree of our sense of neglect or undeservedness, as modeled to us by those key people) and that insecurity will trigger us to feel naturally anxious and unsettled until we are able to find ways that honor us to meet those needs. As children in situations where we aren’t feeling worthwhile or cared for in the way we need to, we can live for many years with that anxious, unsettled feeling until it becomes a part of life: Bothersome, but normal to us.  This is where many of us will also turn to food to cope. The focus on our body in a judgemental way and the use of food through restriction, overeating or purging are all just forms of our desperate attempts to release ourselves from the constant anxiety we feel. And because, for so many of us, that anxiety has been with us for so long that it is just a part of life, we don’t understand where it’s coming from or what triggers it and therefore we feel stuck and we typically assume that it’s just something wrong with us.

Many people have a story in their heads that anxiety is bad; that you shouldn’t feel anxious and if you do it means you are “too sensitive.”  On the contrary, anxiety is your autonomic nervous system’s way (your instinctual self) of letting you know that something is happening, or has the potential to happen, that isn’t meeting needs for you. It’s a giant heads up. Only in our culture we judge it, we shame it, we condemn it, we hide it, we drug it…..and we continue to use food, drugs, alcohol, spending, isolating, avoiding, procrastinating, nail-biting, picking, toe- tapping, etc., etc. as well as co-dependency to numb out so we can live without being aware of how anxious we are.

But folks, you are anxious for a reason. It’s not because you’re too sensitive. It’s not because you’re crazy or bi-polar or borderline or schizophrenic or suffering from “panic disorder.” Any of those clusters of symptoms are really just your best way of coping with the unmet needs in your life and the anxiety and grief they produced.

The solution will never ever be found in judging yourself and masking or numbing your symptoms. But first, some part of you must be willing to acknowledge that perhaps, even if you’re not entirely sure how as you think about it now, you have or at least had as a child, a perfectly valid reason for feeling like some key needs weren’t met.

The interesting thing about needs is that you don’t have to go back in time (thank goodness or we’d be totally screwed!) in order to meet them. You simply need to identify the ways in which you or others are behaving in such a way in the present that is reminiscent of those old experiences and get yourself some tools to address those present-day pieces. You will be amazed at how quickly your anxiety dissipates and how easy it becomes to simply choose not to use food to cope. Yes, I said easy.  When you don’t feel that chronic anxiety and when you understand the difference between fact and fiction, story and reality in your present-day life, it is easy to not get caught up in old defaults and instead choose to respond to yourself with new tools that take moments to bring you to a place of clarity and peace.

For my part two, weeks ago, I knew that I was feeling unsettled about the move. I knew that was both about the physical security of leaving my home and not yet knowing where I was going to be living in the new town (which isn’t happening until August by the way – and for your reassurance, I’ll still be in Victoria 2 days a week). I also knew that I was experiencing unmet physical and emotional security needs about CEDRIC moving and opening new doors to a new community. What I hadn’t yet put together completely was exactly what I could do about it now. I had begun to make forays and offer workshops there, attend health shows to get the word out. But clearly, given my release of tension at the meeting with Dr. Shiva, what I had been missing was a sense of professional community and a sense of a physical presence for CEDRIC in my new-town-to-be.

There is always a reason why you feel as you do. It’s not because you’re too….anything. Learning how to listen to and respect your emotions as indicators of needs is key to completely stepping free of the use of food to cope.

So stay tuned to your inner self and check in regularly for any sensations of anxiety or distress. Remind yourself that you only feel that way because you have needs that aren’t being met and take some time to learn how to identify what’s up and what you can do about it. The process doesn’t need to take a long time, in fact it’s usually very speedy once you stop focusing on food and instead focus on the needs you’re seeking to meet through its use.

And, stay tuned for more details on this amazing integrative health project and the offerings there. While it is likely that CEDRIC will have its own separate physical presence in Vancouver, I will most certainly be offering my counselling and workshops at the Ayurvedic/Integrative Wellness Centre as well.

To kick off my association there, on Saturday, March 27^th, I’ll be hosting an introductory seminar at the Ayurvedic Clinic near 4^th and Alma in Vancouver, BC. The seminar will be offered from 11 am – 1 pm.  If you’d like more information please email or call me directly @ mmorand@cedriccentre.com or 1-866-383-0797 and I’ll give you all the details. The seminar will be an introduction to why we do what we do with food and how to begin to approach yourself and life in a way that leads to complete freedom from any harmful coping strategy.

The last level on Maslow’s Hierarchy is Self-Actualization. This is the realization of your full potential; the living of your true purpose in life. We all feel an inward pull to this experience. But if we are spending much of our energies just keeping it together because of the unmet needs at lower levels and the anxiety and depression they bring, achieving a state of self-actualization is an impossibility.

I know you can do it. I know you can not only have the sense of safety and security you seek in your relationships with others and in your physical realm (home, finances, etc.) but that you will be successful in feeling solid and secure in yourself as an individual of worth and deservedness, equal to all others. And I know that you have within you, the power to realize your full potential, you only need to clearly identify what’s blocking you and learn how to step free. If you’re still using food to cope in any way, regardless of the amount of support you’ve received, you haven’t quite yet identified what’s up or what to do about it. It’s that simple.

So hang in there. There is a solution. If you’d like some support just email or call and we’ll discuss what your needs are and how best to meet them.

Have a great week.

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

© Michelle Morand, 2010

This week I thought I’d share with you one of the weekly discussions/exercises from my new Web-Based Program. This discussion is on the topic of Natural Eating. I’ve attached a copy of the Natural Eating handout as well and encourage you to make use of it!

If this article resonates with you and you’d like to experience a life free from your stressful relationship with food, I hope you’ll consider joining our web program, attending a workshop or taking part in some one-on-one counselling. You don’t have to continue to feel stuck and ruled by food one more day.

Many folks when they hear the term “Natural Eating” begin to imagine whole grains, vegetarianism or perhaps even a raw food diet. Something beyond wholesome, something restrictive, something granola-cruncher-esque.

Well, that’s not what we mean when we use that term. Natural Eating for us means simply eating in response to your body’s natural cues of hunger and fullness and also to its signals of what it specifically needs.

Yes, when you stop feeding or restricting your body from a purely reactive/emotional place, you find quite quickly that your body not only knows exactly how much it’s hungry for and when but it is also very clear, and able to communicate to you quite clearly, what it needs in order to feel its best.

It really is effortless to eat naturally, it’s the diet mentality that is the problem: The head space you’re in, the stories you tell yourself about what you’re “allowed” and what others will think, the stories about what you have to weigh or what you have to look like in order to relax your rigid all-or-nothing approach to food and start listening to your body.

Many clients have shared that they began our work together with the following story in their heads: “I’ll just get a little information now, then I’ll go and diet and lose the weight, and then I’ll come back and really start using these tools.”

Now the obvious problem with that is that they have been dieting in some form or restricting in some form or focusing on food as the problem in some form for years already – in some cases, decades! And yet, because of the all-or-nothing thinking, they can’t see that at the same time as they are reaching out for something completely new as a solution (our work together), they are telling themselves they can’t do it, can’t be successful, that they can’t really trust themselves and that the only real solution is to keep dieting – which they’ve been doing already in some form for many, many years.

Many times I’ve heard people say, when they begin to understand but don’t quite “get” how their diet mentality and misplaced efforts towards healing have undermined them, “But, if I stop dieting and do this Natural Eating thing, that would mean that all those years were a waste! I can’t do that!” “I’ve been taught by diets and society that I have to look a certain way, weigh a certain amount and that the only way to be that is to restrict, to focus on food. And even though that diet mentality hasn’t actually worked yet in any lasting way, I can’t possibly just trust my body – I can’t let go of some external guideline and just listen to my hunger and fullness cues!”

Ummmmm, okay.

To any rational mind that makes no sense at all; to persist at something you now understand will never work only because you’ve been at it for so long???? ….but having been immersed in that diet mentality, all-or-nothing brain for many years myself, I understand it completely!

As much as those men and women understand intellectually that what they’ve been trying for so long can’t work/doesn’t work, they still, on some level, hope it can because they don’t know what else to do, and because they’ve been told by key people in their lives or by the diet industry that the problem is not the concept of restriction, it is them.

Therefore, they can’t really believe me. They can’t really trust that it’s that simple. They don’t believe that they can actually trust their bodies because of the diet mentality training they’ve received and the emphasis that has been placed on their weight and appearance as the key to their happiness and peace of mind.

But that’s the crux of the issue: The diet mentality you’ve been taught to believe in is the problem, not you! And as long as you keep putting any faith or trust in the diet mentality as having anything at all but suffering to offer you, you will only stay stuck. You have to begin to get that. As soon as you can allow for the possibility that that’s true, you are beginning to step free and you can be very quickly successful with this process of eating naturally and being a natural weight for your body effortlessly.

Explore the Natural Eating handout, print it out and post in on your fridge. Give yourself the gift of reinforcing these new ways of thinking and being around food a bit each day and you’ll be amazed how quickly you return to your natural state of being physically and mentally.

Have a fantastic week!

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

© Michelle Morand, 2010

Yes, quite the mouthful, but….interestingly enough it was the most well-attended talk I’ve ever offered in my 10 years of Health Show lecturing. Things that make you go, hmmmmm.

Obviously one reason for the increased attendance is that the topic is broader than my usual “Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is!” educational presentation. But based on the feedback I received after the lecture and in the weeks that have followed, I am quite clear that the real reason for the greater turn out were the words “overcoming” and “barriers.”

People know they’re stuck. They know when they’re not doing what’s best for them or making the most honoring choices. We all get that niggly sensation in our bellies and hear from our beloved Drill Sgt. when we even think about doing something that some part of us believes is not in our best interest. And yet, until we learn the secret of why we do what we do, coupled with some simple tools to begin to behave differently in the present moment, we stay stuck. Like observers on the sidelines at a golf tournament, we watch the ball gently circling the hole, a hair’s-breadth away from going in and winning our favorite player the match. We could practically blow it in with a single sigh and yet we must watch as it stays above ground and yet again our fave goes home with the “almost, but not quite” badge. Frustrating! Annoying! Powerless…

It is painful to know what you need to do, even what you want to do, and yet witness yourself doing something else entirely.

This is the plight of many millions of men and women in North America alone who have health concerns that could be greatly aided by eating well and exercising moderately but who, day-after-day, witness themselves choosing foods that harm rather than heal. Heart disease, high cholesterol, type II diabetes, hormone imbalances, anxiety, depression, and even dementia to name just a few common health concerns are all greatly impacted positively and negatively by the foods we consume and by the amount of rest and exercise we get on a daily basis.

Many of these issues can completely be remedied with changes to what we eat or at the very least, in many cases people can often manage their symptoms without medication through “proper” self-care. But, if you’ve got a health concern like any of those listed above, or if your Doc has suggested some changes to your diet and exercise routine to stave off any of the above, you’re likely well aware of the things that help you and hinder you. But…if you use food to cope, you also likely see yourself making choices you know you’d rather not make and feeling more frustrated and despairing with each passing day.

We know the obvious question: How do you stop using food to cope?  In the case of health concerns, the real question becomes how to navigate the dichotomy between:

Not labeling foods as good or bad in that old, harmful diet mentality way

vs.

Making choices to not eat certain foods or to greatly limit their intake, without feeling restricted and thus triggering the diet mentality and the desire to binge!?

It’s actually not as much of a dichotomy as it might seem, thankfully! We just need to orient our heads towards approaching food from an “esteem” place ie. “self-care” rather than from a coping place. Which means we need some tools for dealing with our past, present and future stressors without food and we need to be able to attend to ourselves, in the moment, in ways that truly do meet our needs for nurturing, support, reassurance and validation (which is usually what it is we’re looking for in eating when we’re not hungry or in restricting or purging).

The trick is not to focus on what you’re wanting to eat or what you’ve just eaten but instead inquire as to “why?”

Most likely one of three things has occurred if you’re making a choice to eat something that you’re not hungry for or that you know is not in your best interests given your health concerns:

1. You’ve just slipped into some “learned helplessness” thinking such as:
   • What difference will it make?
   • I’ll never be able to stick to any changes anyway!
   • I want it now, I’ll make a different choice tomorrow! (We all know how this will go!)
   • Even if I take better care of myself from here on in, the damage is done so why bother? Why not just let go and “enjoy” myself!?
   • It’s too hard!
   • It’s too much work!
   • I can’t!!!
2. You’re feeling anxious or stressed about something that’s happening in your life or something you were just thinking about from your past or imagining in your future and the certain foods you’re reaching for provide you a sense of nurturing and release because they are processed, refined carbohydrates or sugars and they are engineered to trigger a sensation that mimics that of Oxytocin release (the hormone released when we feel nurtured, safe and pleasured as with breast feeding or orgasm). Yes, those processed refined carbs that most of us feel drawn to eat even though we know they trigger all sorts of ills, draw us in because of the sensation of soothing they provide our anxious, lonely selves.
3. You’re carrying an old, unconscious story that you are undeserving of care; that you are undeserving of optimum health and wellness and of being the best you can be. Or even worse, that caring for yourself is a burden rather than a gift and a pleasure. These are old bogus stories which you most likely learned by watching key people in your life “care” for themselves or by hearing hurtful messages from key people about the “burden” of caring for you.

You see, there is always a reason why you do what you do. It’s not that you’re weak or that you lack willpower. It’s that either you’re seeking a sense of soothing or nurturing or that you’ve told yourself you’re a hopeless case and not to bother trying or that you’re not worthy of care, or all of the above.

There are some very simple solutions to these ways of thinking and once you free yourself of them you are completely free to make honoring choices from a place of “choice” truly, rather than from a place of “have to,” “burden,” “restriction.” It’s a completely different mindset, feeling and energy around making choices that lead to a healthier, longer life. It is self-perpetuating. And the best part is, it doesn’t feel like work, it feels goooood!

So, if you’re in a place of having to make some changes to your diet and self-care routine to stave off grave health concerns or to diminish the impact of certain symptoms ie. high blood sugar, give yourself the gift of gathering a few simple tools to shift your thoughts and feelings about yourself and about your ability to be successful. Overcome that old “learned helplessness” and you’ll find yourself in a completely new world where self-care truly is a pleasure.

There are many ways you can gather those tools depending on you and your favorite learning style. Our web program, CDs, DVDs, workbooks, book, individual counselling, workshops or intensive healing retreats are all options available to you to completely let go of your old, confounding approach to food and to life.

Have a great week!

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

© Michelle Morand, 2010

However, in keeping with our theme of exposing all-or-nothing thinking, this little paragraph, hidden in a much larger – “things life has taught me” – kind of email, stuck out to me as a statement that everyone would benefit from remembering every single minute of every single day – really, really (As Shrek would say!).

So, take a deep breath, let it out, be still for a moment and let yourself consider the following statement:

“Two people can look at the
exact same
thing and see something
totally different…

Neither one is right or wrong.”

Consider the significance of this statement for your life as it is today. Consider the relationships you have now, or have walked away from, where the two of you just couldn’t see eye-to-eye, where one or the other of you tried to convince the other of their perspective while the other was doing the same thing, or simply refused to budge and see things your way.

Consider your distant past; your childhood. Consider the many, many situations that you still carry with you in your memory of people in your life judging you, criticizing you, making assumptions about what you were doing and why and then being unwilling to let their assumptions go and be open to really listening to you and believing that your perspective, although different from theirs, was also quite valid. Or perhaps even that they were completely mistaken in their assumptions about your actions and motives and abilities.

Consider the frustration, the sense of powerlessness, insignificance, the lack of safety and trust and respect you felt in any of the above situations where people were just not open to seeing your perspective on things, or even worse, wouldn’t see the validity in your perspective and wouldn’t let up until you agreed with them on theirs!:

1. Because they either didn’t believe there was another perspective that could possibly be valid; or
2. Because they were afraid, because of their all-or-nothing thinking, that if they dared acknowledged any truth or validity at all in your perspective it would immediately invalidate theirs completely.

People truly can see the same thing completely differently, it’s important to really get that, trust that, and know that on that gut level. It is also so very, very possible that people can acknowledge the truth in the other’s perspective and still believe what they believe.

Even if you can’t find any truth in the other’s perspective you can still safely acknowledge that they find truth in it, that it feels true for them, right now, with the knowledge and life experience they currently hold, while you sit, comfortably, peacefully, solidly, staying with what you believe. No anger needed. No defensiveness. No rigid holding on to your position. No annoyance, frustration or silent treatment or other passive aggressive means of pushing people away. Just you trusting that there is validity to your thought because it feels right to you based on the evidence and experience that you currently have. And trusting that if you hear or experience something that also seems valid you can choose to: incorporate that into your perspective, do nothing, or you can choose to let your old view go and take up the new one that now, in the light of new awareness, seems more valid (if indeed it does).

There is no shame or loss in admitting that another person’s perspective has validity, or even that it may be “right” or “more right” than the one you held before you heard theirs. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. You are free to take on new thoughts, new beliefs and new behaviours in light of your new life experiences. What is life for if not for learning? And how on earth can we learn if we won’t open ourselves to new experiences and new information? How can we learn if we are so fearful of being “wrong” that we don’t ask questions or openly admit what we don’t know or understand?

“Two people can look at the
exact same
thing and see something
totally different…

Neither one is right or wrong.”

It isn’t either or. The other person isn’t bad or wrong for seeing things differently or for not agreeing with you (of course if they’re yelling at you or putting you down that’s not anything you have to stick around for). They’re just seeing it differently and not agreeing with you. You’re not bad either, regardless of the ultimate “rightness” of our perspective.

The old co-dependent training manual will say that you have to agree with everyone because if you don’t you’ll upset them, hurt their feelings, or offend them. The old training manual says that there can be only one “truth” and you are either right or you’re wrong and you do not want to be wrong, because that means you’re stupid; but you should be willing to stifle your truth and play dumb or agreeable if holding fast to your perspective would possibly make anyone else feel dumb or anger them. In this case you should pretend that you think you’re wrong but really believe that you’re right and begin to carry resentment towards that person and distance from them emotionally if not also physically. In the co-dependent manual you are being bad if you assert your beliefs or rights, regardless of how respectfully you do it.

That’s not exactly a recipe for fulfilling relationships with yourself or with anyone else. But it’s in the manual so you have to do it. Or do you?

Hmmmm….

Another option might be to commit the following thoughts to memory:

• More than one perspective can truly be valid (there are very, very few absolutes);

• If someone judges you or disagrees with you, it truly is only their perspective and therefore (again, with very, very few exceptions) their view is not absolutely right, regardless of how loud or insistent they get, for the whole world, just as you are not absolutely wrong;
• As long as you don’t buy into the old training that you’re not allowed to disagree or that there is an absolute “right” way and “wrong” way to think, you can comfortably and openly seek to understand the other’s perspective;

• Ask questions from a place of genuine interest about what they think, what leads them to think that, and what support they have found for their perspective. You may learn a lot about the subject or at the very least, you’ll learn a lot about how this person thinks and how they come to believe what they believe – very handy information.

• Also, ask questions about what they may be able to see in your perspective that makes sense to them, and whether they would be willing to allow you to explain how you came to your view.

Approaching differences of opinion in this way will teach you so much about others and their openness, their trustworthiness, their current level of all-or-nothing thinking, and thus your safety in the relationship, how free you are to be yourself, and their (and your) ability to really understand each other, even if you don’t ultimately agree on how to approach something.

This in my opinion is different from the standard “let’s agree to disagree.” Which, perhaps erroneously, I interpret as “I know I’m right and you won’t agree with me so I’m not going to talk to you about this anymore – when you decide to change your mind and agree with me I’ll talk to you about it again.”

In my experience, that is the mindset behind the “agree to disagree” approach. Rather than this old approach, I find it is very likely that if we just stay gently with a conversation and seek to understand the other person’s perspective while gently sharing ours, we will make sense of why they think what they think and, not only are we likely to learn something, but the relationship will undoubtedly deepen and trust will flourish.

Simply put, the more information you have about why people think what they think and do what they do, the more you will see that it’s not about you and you will be less and less prone to take things personally. Thus your confidence and security in yourself and your abilities in relationships will grow. This means you’re far less likely to feel anxious, insecure, and overwhelmed and thus, far less likely to even think about using food to cope.

In summary:

Two people really can see the same thing differently, it happens more often than not. And if either of them is more interested in being “right” than in understanding the other’s perspective, the relationship will suffer greatly.

If however, both are more committed to loving and understanding themselves and each other than they are to being “right,” they will naturally be open to seeing the world through each other’s eyes, even if they ultimately find more merit in their original perspective.

This commitment to loving and understanding first will lead to open dialogue, safety and trust, and a feeling of mutual respect and maturity that can only lead to deepened intimacy and caring, even if you both continue to carry different view points. In fact, when you take the time to respect and seek to understand the other’s perspective you find quite quickly that usually they really do converge and that you do share some common ground, even if on the surface you seem miles apart.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

© Michelle Morand, 2010

Kind of like that article I wrote awhile back on needs which similarly hit home with everyone. Communication issues and our own confused training in relationships really does pertain to us all until we learn to honor ourselves, respect our needs, and ask directly and respectfully for what we need.

This week’s article takes off where last week’s left off. We are going to take a brief look at how to most effectively approach a conversation around a sensitive issue with someone.  When I say “sensitive,” I mean an issue that makes you feel a little uneasy, anxious or resistant when you think about bringing it up. It may be that it makes you feel uneasy because of your part in it or because of what it is you imagine the other person will feel or think about you when you bring the issue up.

The first thing to do when you’re thinking about talking to someone about something that has any emotional charge for you at all (or that you think might be sensitive for them) is to sit down, alone, and ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is your intention in speaking with the person about this issue?
2. What are you trying to achieve in speaking with them about this issue? (often the same answer as above but not always)
3. What do you want to get out of the conversation? Ie. What would you need to hear/share/experience in that conversation that would make you feel it had been a success?
4. How do you want to feel when you leave the conversation?
5. What do you need to say and how do you need to say it and what do you need to hear from them in order to feel that way when you leave the conversation?
6. What kind of timeline would you want to place on the conclusion of the issue? Ie. How long can you comfortably wait for this person to follow through on what you’re asking for? You must communicate that key piece of information to this person and ask for their agreement on this timeline as well. This is key for both of you to have great clarity on how and when you will assess whether anything has changed; ie. whether your needs have been met and you can therefore let the issue drop completely, forever.

Make notes of these key pieces and take them with you when you speak to this person. Refer to them and challenge yourself to cover all key points before you leave the conversation. If anything seems to be going at all awry or you lose your place just ask yourself questions 4 and 5 again:

How do you want to feel when you leave this conversation and what needs to happen/what do you need to hear or experience with this person in order to feel that way?  That is your grounding and centering piece.

Now, before you get to “THE” Conversation with someone, there is a very interesting phenomenon you will notice when you just sit down to consider these questions before you speak with them: Often just sitting down to reflect on those questions helps you to see something that, if you’re at all interested in not taking full responsibility for your actions and for your life, will really irritate you.

Often in just sitting to reflect on what message you’d like to convey, how specifically you would word it, and what specifically you want to get out of that conversation, you will discover that the issue isn’t really theirs, it’s yours. And usually, though certainly not always, it pertains to your own old-life training to not ask directly for what you need; to not let yourself be vulnerable by exposing that you even have a need; or to not be “selfish” or to burden others in any way.

What I’m saying is that usually, regardless of how things appear at first glance, the majority of our stress in relationship with others exists not because of anything that’s actually happening between us and another person, but because of the old stories and patterns of behaving that we carry within ourselves that have prevented us from either taking action ourselves to meet our needs and/or from communicating earlier, when we first began to feel a little hurt/annoyed/frustrated/resentful/sad/lonely/insignificant/disrespected, etc. with that person.

Our story that we can’t possibly say or do anything that might upset, irritate, or hurt anyone or call any attention to their “imperfection” is really only our own inner co-dependent training that says:

If anyone feels anything other than happy, it’s your fault and you are bad and wrong and unlovable for “making” them feel that way.

Yup, that’ll do it! That childhood training; that old bogus story will shut you down and leave you feeling completely powerless in your relationships every time.

Unfortunately, not only is it completely not true in any way now – it never was – yes, I mean it, it never ever, ever, ever was true. You have never been and never will be responsible for another person’s feelings (barring dependent children, of course). Your complete healing and recovery from emotional eating or restriction and from any unfulfilling jobs, relationships, or self-care, demands that you not only cognitively get this message but that you begin to get it on a gut level; that you begin to trust it, to know it and to embody it in your actions.

The world becomes a completely different place when you make this shift. (Recall the article from a few weeks ago on ELOC vs. ILOC).

Once you sit down and reflect on the questions above and see what’s really up for you and find yourself getting clear on what you want from that person usually you’ll find that what you really want from them or need from them is some reassurance and understanding as you make some changes to your own, perhaps freshly realized, contribution to the dynamic you two share.

You might say:

“This is what I’ve noticed in myself…here’s what I’m planning to do about it…and here’s how you can help me if you’re willing…”

Often your own awareness of what your own contribution to the dynamic has been (which will come about simply by sitting down to ask yourself the questions above) makes it so you are truly comfortable with the choice to not address it with them for now (as opposed to just avoiding bringing it up); make some changes to your own contribution to the dynamic, and see after that, whether you still feel the need to bring it up to them more directly.

Next week we’ll talk about what to do when you’ve done the above piece and, after attending to your own piece of the puzzle, feel that you need to address the other person’s role and ask for a change in their behaviour towards you or towards the situation.

For this week think of someone that fits the “I need to have “THE” conversation” bill and take 5 minutes to ask yourself the questions above. Please email me what you come up with! I’d love to see what you notice and discover about yourself and about how to proceed then.

You might find you recognize that you are playing a role in this dynamic but don’t know what to do on your end to change your part of the dance. That’s what I’m here for!

See you next week.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

Why Do I Do It?

First, let’s explore what leads you to isolate yourself. In short, it’s all about how much you trust yourself to set boundaries and to only engage in relationships which are healthful and supportive of you. The degree to which you doubt your ability to assert your needs will be the degree to which you isolate. In other words, if you don’t trust yourself to say no to others, you will likely refrain from much social interaction, or you will find yourself overloaded with social commitments which are unrewarding and lack depth. You may not even be conscious that this is what motivates you to distance yourself from others. Your Drill Sgt. may have tried to explain your behaviour through his old core-belief perspective, telling you all sorts of stories about how weird and unlikable you are; how no one really cares whether you are around or not; how people are only going to judge you; and how unattractive or unintelligent you are if you go out. None of this is at all true. It’s just more of that coping strategy of negative core beliefs and bad body thoughts kicking in. And you know that this is just an indication of unmet needs for security and acceptance.

As you begin to hone your skill of identifying the unmet needs that drive your coping behaviour, you will be presented with many opportunities, big and small, to strengthen your trust in yourself and create more security by validating your needs, setting clear boundaries, and proving how effectively you can care for yourself. It is likely that at the start of this new way of looking out for yourself you will notice yourself feeling anxious and resistant. There are two key pieces at play here:

1. Somehow, your Authentic Self and not your Nurturing Parent is front and centre trying to navigate this new terrain on her own. This is dangerous, because your Authentic Self is still very young and still needs a lot of reassurance and support to behave in a new way and not buy into those old core beliefs. She does not have the capacity to rationalize and empthasize in the way the Nurturing Parent does. She must not be made to handle scary and stressful situations such as boundary setting. You wouldn’t make a five-year-old child go on his own to confront someone about security or approval needs that aren’t being met, so you can’t expect your Authentic Self to have the courage and ability to do so either.

2. Your Drill Sgt. senses the insecurity, fear, and doubt of the Authentic Self and is doing his “motivation through criticism” to try and get you back into a “safe” and familiar place. You will likely hear the Drill Sgt. insisting that your needs are not valid or important. You may be aware of him calling you names, such as, weak, needy, when you are experimenting with acknowledging your feelings and needs to others. I encourage you to acknowledge the Drill Sgt.’s comments and then, as we have discussed, ask him what his intent is. Remember: seek to understand.

The solution? Notice the distress and resistance about boundary setting, and call forth your Adult Nurturing Parent. The Nurturing Parent can then reassure the Authentic Self that her feelings and needs are valid; that she has a right to ask for what she needs and that they, the Nurturing Parent, will take over from here. “Try the hand-on-the-tummy thing here. It really does help to ground you and establish a stronger sense of connection between your Parent and Authentic Self).

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with the book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

If you’re anything like most folks who use food to cope or other harmful coping strategies, before you actually approach someone directly about an issue you’re having with them, you’ll try:

• Hinting about what you want;
• Making jokes;
• Using sarcasm;
• Talking to others in the loop about it, in the hopes that they will have “the” conversation or that at least it will get back to that person how you’re feeling and you won’t have to tell them yourself;
• Avoiding the person;
• Using body language like eye rolls or lack-of -eye contact, and crossed arms to let the person know you’re not a fan of something that they are doing;
• The silent treatment (simply ignoring them);
• Using a particular tone with them designed to get them to ask, “What’s up? Have I done something?” Depending on the issue, the tone may range from disappointed, to frustrated, to downright contemptuous.

The only problem is, all of these techniques will fail if the other person is either unwilling to accept responsibility for their behaviour or if they just don’t know that they are doing something to upset or offend you. Unfortunately, this is usually the case.

That’s because people typically don’t engage in behaviours that they know consciously offend or upset other people. Don’t get me wrong. People definitely do play head games at times but usually that behaviour is pretty easy to spot, and I do believe that those folks that are intentionally messing with our minds are fewer and farther between than you may imagine.

The truth is, the person who is frustrating you or hurting your feelings or downright scaring you with their behaviour or demeanor, is very likely completely unaware that they are having that impact. They are very likely working from a perception of themselves that puts their behaviour in the best light, where, at least to them, it makes perfect sense and is completely acceptable.

So, imagine their shock when you sit down with them and have “THE” convo! If you’ve tried the techniques listed above to try and give them the message prior to “the” conversation, you are likely to be sitting across from someone who is less than comfortable with you because you’ve been behaving a little weird or downright standoffishly, but they don’t know why. You’re also far more likely to elicit a defensive reaction (a closed mind or an angry retort) when the person is, in their mind, hearing about your problem with them for the first time in a fairly intense way.

From your perspective in this situation, you’ve tried to give them the message, they haven’t got it, so you have to have the big sit-down. From your perspective you may be sad or feel hard-done-by should the recipient of “THE” conversation not appreciate your “patience”, “maturity”, and overall intention (to avoid conflict at all costs and to not upset the other person) and instead become angry and defensive.

This dynamic is the reason that most people avoid “THE” conversation like the plague. It’s not that sitting down with someone to resolve issues is actually that big a deal when certain basic steps are followed, it’s just that most people who use food to cope are scared to death of letting anyone know that they have a need and so resist or avoid taking care of issues as they arise in favour of the magical thinking that, if they wait long enough, they may just…..go away.  And often they’re scared to admit to having needs because they carry that old, annoying co-dependent training that says:

• You are responsible for everyone else’s feelings and needs;
• You are needy if you have needs;
• You are only allowed to take care of yourself when everyone else is happy;
• If someone is at all unhappy or even has the potential to be at all unhappy it’s because you’ve done something bad or wrong and that makes you a bad person.

Well, actually, none of those stories are true. That training is a pile of phooey folks. Trust me!

Now, just imagine, sitting down to have “THE” conversation with someone when you’re coming from an adult, interdependent mindset that doesn’t believe those ridiculous stories, but instead believes:

• You have a right to be treated with dignity and respect;
• You are not responsible for others feelings and needs, you are only responsible for your own;
• You have a responsibility, not just a right, to meet your own needs in all areas of your life;
• You are “allowed” to ask for what you need and that does not make you at all bad or wrong or “needy.” In fact, a healthy, interdependent relationship demands that you communicate clearly about what you feel and what you need;
• You have the tools you need to respectfully communicate to the other person involved what you need and how they can help meet that need if they are willing;
• You know, in your heart, that if someone is unwilling or resistant to meeting, or even acknowledging your need, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or your request, it only means that it doesn’t meet needs for them to meet your need;
• You trust yourself to get your need met. As such, you have the space within you and within “THE” conversation to ask questions and to really listen to the other person’s perspective. You trust that you will not be overrun by guilt, blame, shame or anger but that you will hold steady, with grace and dignity, and that ultimately, you will find a way to have your need met, even if that means, as a last-ditch effort, leaving the relationship.

If you trusted in yourself to truly feel, think, and behave as listed above, how do you think you’d feel as you approached “THE” big conversation? Would it even feel like a big conversation? Would it have the same freaky connotations of failure, neediness and inviting anger and judgement?  Not likely.

Rather, it’s far more likely that you would have spoken to this person in more direct and clear ways about the issue as it arose in relationship between you long before it ever got to the need for “THE” conversation. Chances are your sense of deservedness of healthy relationships and respectful interactions would have led you to simply and briefly speak to that person about their behaviour and its impact on your sense of trust, safety and respect with them the first time you felt a little uncomfortable with something they said or did, rather than waiting until you just couldn’t stand it anymore and were about to burst with frustration or walk away from the relationship.

From that approach, your energy approaching a conversation is much lighter and usually more readily received by the other person. Remember, usually people have no clue that they’re doing something that is upsetting you. And if they do have clue that you’re a bit miffed about something, they usually don’t know specifically what to do differently to make you “un-miffed.”

You are responsible for communicating to others about what you feel and what you need and about how the people in your life can meet your needs if they are willing. When you communicate directly and clearly about what you need you give others a chance to show you whether they are able and/or willing to meet your needs. This gives you direct and immediate feedback as to how much you can safely rely on this person and therefore whether they can be a dear and trusted friend, an acquaintance, or someone you keep at a good solid distance.

There is much more to say on this topic so tune in next week for more about communication and some tips for attending to things before they get to the point where it feels like “THE” conversation is the only solution. Sometimes, no matter how well you handle something you still need to have “THE” conversation. But it’s much easier to approach it from a place of peace and security when you know you’ve done your due diligence and given the other person many reasonable opportunities to meet your needs.

For this week, just notice where and with whom you’ve been avoiding having “THE” conversation and take a moment to ask yourself why. What are you telling yourself will happen?  Have you done your best to respectfully and clearly let that person know what you need and how, specifically, they could meet that need?

Challenge yourself to approach your conversations and interactions with others this week from the adult interdependent mindset and just see what a phenomenal difference it makes!

Have a fabulous week!

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with my book, or our Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements talks about the ancient Toltec philosophy which has four basic tenants:

1. Always do your best
2. Always be impeccable with your word
3. Don’t take anything personally
4. Don’t make assumptions

He insists in his book that we are all living on a potential “heaven on earth” but, because of our lack of training and adherence to these basic tenants, we are truly living in hell.

Well, if my remembrance of my use of food to cope and all the negative self-talk, doubt, anxiety, depression, loathing, disgust, abuse, and despair that accompanied it is accurate, he’s right. I was living in hell on earth when a veritable heaven was always available to me if only I could have reoriented my head.

If only I could have stopped being so preoccupied with what others thought and felt and how they might judge me, then I could have started to think about what I thought and felt and needed, and then begin to take steps to make me happy.

There was a time, when I was extremely stuck in the external locus of control, that the above sentence would have made me instantly fearful of becoming a self-centered bitch who cared nothing for anyone and only ever thought of herself. That was my deeply ingrained all-or-nothing thinking Drill Sgt. freaking out over the thought of me actually trusting myself and putting stock in my opinions and needs. In the past, that was a sure path to harm, either verbal or physical, and was to be avoided at all costs as a matter of survival.

Well, the truth is, that was all a pile of bunk. I was harmed because my dad was messed up and was looking for any excuse to get angry, not because there was truly anything wrong with me or what I was saying or thinking, certainly not anything that warranted a tongue lashing or being beaten.  But the very screwed up thing about life is that we learn what our teachers teach whether they are good teachers or not, whether they are right or wrong, whether they are functional and healthy or dysfunctional and completely messed up. As kids we don’t have any frame of reference to know the difference. So we learn what is being shown, and the lessons that stick the most are the ones that trigger the greatest emotion as they are being taught, which often refers to the ones in which our “teachers” were angry and taking their stress out on us. So even if the teacher is completely wrong, we learn the lesson as though our life depends on it, which at times it truly did.

We learn that we are bad, stupid, fat, ugly, wrong, selfish, a bitch, inconsiderate, rude, and that we will never amount to anything but that we have to make our parents proud. And with that great teaching we are meant to step out into the world and make a go of our lives. Yeah, right! That’s a perfect recipe for a life of mediocrity and substance abuse for a person who would otherwise be capable of amazing things.

The external locus of control refers to how much emphasis and weight we place on people and things outside of ourselves as we make decisions about what we can have, do, or be, and how we should feel and think. Internal locus of control is simply the opposite; how much stock we put on our own thoughts, feelings and needs. Between the two, internal and external, we are meant to strike a healthy balance so that we ultimately always defer to our feelings and needs, but also consider the feelings and needs of others and the impact on our society and environment as a result of our actions.

Narcissists and Sociopaths are at the extreme end of the scale with a 100% focus on internal locus of control: What they want is the only thing that’s important, no matter what they have to do to get it.

Co-dependent men and women who use food to cope (or alcohol, relationship obsession, procrastination, isolation, etc.) are typically at the extreme other end of the spectrum. They feel incredibly guilty doing anything just for themselves. Staying at home and resting, no matter how tired they feel, is not an option if anyone, however far removed, wants something from us.

How many times have you received a call from your friend Georgette, and, knowing full well that you’re tired and just want to read, and that she’s going to talk your ear off for well over an hour about the man she broke up with 6 months ago and how lonely she is, but how she can’t do anything about it because …., you answer the phone anyway in case she finds out you were home and screened the call?  How many times?  How many hours of your life have you spent doing things you didn’t want to do, often at harm to you and things that needed doing or that would have fed your spirit?  That’s external locus of control. And it has to stop.

The external locus of control (ELOC), to the extent that you suffer with it, is fueled by fear of rejection and rebuke and will not go away until you begin to understand where it came from and begin to trust that it is okay for you to take care of yourself and for others to not get what they need from you.

If you just had a heart attack  that’s your proof that you need to do this piece of work NOW, not in 6 months or a year or when the kids have gone off to college or when you retire, or when your mother passes away into the great unknown, NOW. Your life is being sucked dry. You are using food to cope because of this way of thinking, no ifs, ands or buts; no exceptions.

You can not feel truly happy, peaceful, safe and free to let go of food and body focus as long as you put more emphasis on other people’s needs, feelings and perspective on the world than you do your own.

And I’m not just talking about a 51% to 49% split here. I’m talking about at least a 75% (ILOC) to 25% (ELOC) split with the caveat that the 25% is ELOC and that it doesn’t mean that ¼ of the time you think of others and not yourself but that you allow yourself to give the needs and feelings of others (excluding dependent children who must be considered in a different category) 25% of the weight of any decision you make. The other 75% being your own feelings, needs and perspective.

Got it?

What we are really talking about here is a complete 180 in your current world view.  You see your current world view is completely skewed in favor of everyone else, with you getting what you need when everyone else is happy (which will be never). Your current world view has you feeling so frightened of “hurting” someone that you don’t have honest conversations about what you need or want. As a result your relationships suffer. You don’t feel truly known or connected to anyone and you believe that if you were honest about your needs you’d be rejected or judged (there’s that old teaching again).

What seems like the “right” way to be and the “right” way to get the safety and approval you seek is actually so very wrong and will only ever lead you to feel less safe, less confident, less happy, less peaceful, and less connected to yourself and others.

I’m not suggesting that honoring yourself is easy, it can mean some courageous conversations and the loss of some relationships if those people are more interested in getting what they want than they are in both of you getting what you need. What I am promising you from my own experience is that, instead of feeling anxious 24/7 and your constant companion being the critical Drill Sgt. and feeling like something is wrong with you and that you can’t do what you want to or have what you want to because you’re not good enough, if you do the 180 in your thinking and world view, you will feel almost constantly peaceful. You will feel solid and confident in yourself most of the time (except with new things where it is perfectly appropriate to have some doubt). You will value yourself and your right to be happy more than anything else and you will know that being happy doesn’t include harming or not considering others, it just doesn’t obligate you to meet their needs either. You will see, through this 180 shift, that it’s truly okay if others are upset with you because what you’re doing or saying doesn’t meet needs for them. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it just means they aren’t getting what they want. But you are not obligated to compromise yourself for anyone, you are obligated to respectfully and clearly articulate what you need and what you are willing to do and the other person/people is/are obligated to take care of themselves.

That is healthy, mature, adult relating.

Anything else is old, dysfunctional, co-dependency and keeps you stuck feeling bad and wrong and needing to numb out with food focus.

I compare the process of shifting from a heavy ELOC approach to life to the new ILOC split like an old steam engine pulling out of the station.

Currently you’re stuck in one view of the world. It feels right and familiar at the same time as it feels awful. It requires effort to start out from the station into a new landscape. And at the start it can feel like it is slow going, chug…..chug…..chug…..  But soon, things start to gel, you start to “get it”, you feel a sense of flow and things shift. Life becomes easier and smoother and so much less effort. You have more energy and your relationships improve immeasurably, chug-chug-chug. You’re rolling!

There is, if you will permit me, a heaven on earth. It is entirely available to you any day and any time if you just shift your current world view 180 and allow yourself to see yourself as equal to others and deserving of what you need.

There are some very simple, basic steps from here to there and I’d be honored to be your guide.

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, the self-help approach with my book, or our monthly Food is Not the Problem Online Membership Program, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC.

The anxiety that we feel is borne out of harmful all-or-nothing stories that I call “learned helplessness.” The learned helplessness stories sound something like this:

• I can’t
• It’s too big
• It’s too much
• I’m not capable
• I won’t be able to do it
• I’m not allowed

And, those learned helplessness, all-or-nothing stories (that trigger our anxiety and our use of harmful coping strategies) are triggered by a naturally and appropriately occurring sensation in our bodies that I call “the niggle.”

The niggle arises when we have needs that aren’t being met.

If you used food to cope as a child (or any other of the strategies listed above), it is extremely likely that when you felt that little niggle inside that let you know you needed something and you tried to get that need met through your words or actions, you were unsuccessful, or perhaps even berated or shamed or physically harmed.

We probably heard or perceived key people in our lives offering us statements such as:

• You’re so selfish!
• Who do you think I am, Rockefeller?
• You’re so dramatic!
• You’re too needy!
• You’re so rude!
• What’s wrong with you?!
• I’ll give you something to cry about!
• Etc.

These statements, understandably, give us the impression that we are, at our core, bad, wrong, stupid, and unlovable beyond repair.  As children, we are naturally vulnerable to the key people in our lives, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically as well.  We depend on them for our survival and we need them to teach us how to be in the world in order to survive without them when we mature. Thus we are incredibly open and receptive to what they say and do in relation to us and to others. We are desperate for their approval and, if need be, will turn against our own inner sense of right and wrong, justice and fairness, in order to preserve our relationship with those key people. Here’s where the trouble really begins.

We all have a naturally occurring sense of disease (our niggle) when we have needs for safety, love, and esteem that aren’t being met. But we believe, (because of our training as children) that in order to get those needs for safety and love and esteem met, we have to ignore our own intuition, ignore our own sense of right and wrong, and take the other person’s side/perspective against ourselves in order to keep them happy and to keep our relationship with them as solid as it can be.

Thus your Drill Sgt. is born.  A bouncing baby inner critic comes into being, constantly running through his learned list of criticisms and judgements of you in his desperate effort to, at long last, bring you the sense of security and peace that you seek in your relationships with others and in yourself.

Of course no one can feel happy, peaceful, confident and secure in an abusive relationship. And just as you couldn’t possibly find peace and security with some key people as a child, you will never find peace and security within yourself until you are able to meet your own needs for respect, dignity, safety and love.

It’s actually not that tall an order once you catch up with the present and realize that your life no longer depends on aligning with others against yourself.

But in the meantime, you feel constantly anxious and doubtful, expecting at any time that someone will swoop in and tell you that you’re too much, too needy, too stupid, too ugly, and just plain unlovable. Thus, you live as though fending off emotional and psychological blows that have yet to occur but that you are certain are coming at any moment. You fear dropping your guard (ie. ceasing the self-criticism) because in the past that was a sure path to the pain of external judgement and ostracism, and you remember that sting all too well.

It is natural and perfectly healthy and appropriate to feel this way as a dependent child. It is such an incredible act of survival and self-preservation that you deserve to be commended. The only problem is, you’re an adult and still living as though you need the approval of others in order to be okay and you’re stuck in those old learned helplessness stories about how you’re so incapable and unlovable that you’ll never get the approval, and thus the safety and peace, that you seek if you let people see and know the real you.

It becomes a very vicious and unending cycle of self-judgement and shame, perpetuating the old stories and triggering more shame and judgement (and thus the need for food to cope).

But what about this? What if instead of continuing to do what clearly has never worked as anything other than a numbing and self-harming device, you did something totally and completely radical?

What if…..

What if you just accepted that you are going to make mistakes?

What if you just accepted that some people will like you and others won’t?

What if you began to trust that everyone has needs and that having needs makes you human, not “needy”?

What if you became more committed to living your life than to making other people happy?

To truly live, you must have experiences, and experience includes, more often than any of us would like, many mistakes, many missteps, many courageous conversations and many opportunities for discovering hidden aspects of ourselves, often in the least private and dignified ways.

So if you just accepted that you will err, and instead of focussing all your energies on trying to prevent an opportunity for learning, you saw it as just that? Every event in your life is an opportunity for learning and growing. You can embrace the experiences you have gracefully and learn and grow from them or you can judge and shame and berate yourself for not being perfect and wall yourself away emotionally or even physically, in your attempt to prevent the inevitable experience of making a mistake and being seen as imperfect (which in the old learned helplessness mindset equates to being unlovable; being rejected; being shamed, judged and berated; disappointing key people; and just downright being “bad.”)

What if, instead of persisting with the old learned helplessness/harmful coping strategy approach to life, you focused your energies on gathering tools and life experiences that teach you the fundamental truth:

Life is not about being perfect and preventing any errors or slights of any kind, life is all about learning to trust yourself to gracefully and respectfully own, acknowledge, and resolve any of your behaviours that did not meet needs for you or others.

Did you catch that?

It’s not the number or “quality” of missteps or learning experiences you have that makes you a worthy or lovable person.

Whether you accept it or understand it or not, the truth is you are already so incredibly worthy and lovable. You truly have nothing to prove to anyone in order to be worthy of confidence and self-love, and once you catch up with the times and step into yourself fully as an adult, you’ll feel the truth of that.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is not to never ever let anyone see you as anything other than perfect. That’s the path to depression.

The trick to a happy, peaceful, self-confident life is to develop skills to handle life’s in’s and out’s so that you can be anywhere, anytime, with anyone and trust yourself to honor and respect yourself.

And don’t let the old Drill Sgt. and his learned helplessness tell you that you can’t. It’s really quite simple, you just have to be open and try something new. I guarantee it will be well worth it.  If you’re ready to step into the present and begin to live life fully, I’m here to show you how.

Love

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Your good enough-ness can’t be dependent on anyone else – it can’t ride on you being the best looking, the smartest, the fastest, the richest, the kindest, the nicest, the most generous, etc. It has to be determined by you clearly identifying your core values and principles; the key roles in your life that you have now or would like to put in place; and the goals that you have for yourself in each of those roles. Once you are clear on what is reasonable to expect of yourself, rather than just desirable, in all areas given the goals you have (including those for balance and self-care), you will be able to set reasonable goals to maintain or attain your highest ability in each of those areas.

You will never be good enough if you try to set goals or identify standards in any other way. All other approaches put too much emphasis on what others think, feel and do and have an element of competition with others rather than a challenge from within to be the best you can be.

What is good enough? What does it mean? And, good enough for what? Good enough for whom? The term itself is nebulous and judgement-laden. Most of us don’t know the criteria for good enough; therefore we have no way of knowing how to get there or even how to assess when we’ve arrived – we only know we aren’t there yet. But if we don’t know clearly where the goal post is, how in the hell can we ever hope to score? And if the goal posts are constantly moving depending on who it is we’re dealing with and their own unique standards, what then? That means we can’t just focus on being good enough for one person, we have to be “good enough” for everybody – no one can have judgement of us or criticize any element of our being or behaviour or we have failed completely.

No wonder so many people are depressed. No wonder so many people struggle with anxiety. We’re anxious because we believe we can’t relax and start living until we’re good enough but we don’t even know how we’ll know when we are!  We’re depressed because we believe deep down in our core that we never will be good enough (whatever that means), therefore, we’ll never get to have what we want and we’ll never get to really start living. If that’s not depressing and anxiety-provoking, I don’t know what is. It’s our own private hell and we live it every day: Waiting to start living fully until we’re there, all the while feeling anxious and overwhelmed because we don’t have a clue where “there” is and we keep telling ourselves we’re not good enough to figure it out.

It would be one thing if we just accepted that we’re not “good enough” (whatever that is) and settled for who and where we are. I’m not advocating that, I’m just saying, if we’re telling ourselves we’re not good enough and that we likely always will be, wouldn’t it be better to just say, “Okay, I’m not ‘good enough,’ what do I want to do with where I’m at?” Sure it would be better. But we don’t consider that. We do this insane thing. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough, that we can’t start living until we are good enough, that we’ll never be good enough because there’s something fundamentally flawed in us, and then we beat ourselves up for not doing anything about not being good enough. We tell ourselves there’s nothing we can do to change our predicament and then we give ourselves a hard time for not changing our predicament.

That’s like my dad, who used to yell and hit me and my brother if we said anything that he didn’t like or that he disagreed with, giving us a hard time for not being honest with him and coming to him with our problems. Come on man! Really!

Rather than paralyzing ourselves with crazy thinking, why don’t we try something else? How about we figure out what good enough really means to us. Then how about we identify as honestly as we can, where we are now vs. where we’d be “if” we were “good enough?” What would we be experiencing in our relationships, our careers, our communities, and our self-care if we felt we had finally attained “good enough” status?

Then how about we identify the steps we’d need to take to get from here to there and set realistic goals for taking those steps (when and how)? And how about if, at the same time we’re starting to move forward towards our own definition of “good enough” we start to explore new ways of thinking and behaving that will allow us to feel deserving of having what we want?

The path from here to there involves both inner and outer change. We have to change our behaviour but in order to do that we have to first change our thinking from the old, paralyzing, nonsensical circular argument (I’m not good enough because I’m not good enough to do anything about the fact that I’m not good enough) to a rational, honoring, clear process of identifying what we need and developing the skills that we need to get it.

It’s a simple process really. And I’m going to walk you through it, step-by-step in 2010.

In the meantime, how about you take some time to sit with your computer or your pen and paper (I hear some of you groaning!! But hang in there, this will be fun!) and give your Drill Sgt. free reign for 5 minutes – only 5 minutes – to write down everything he can think of about you and your life that he judges as “not good enough?”

If you’re having a hard time getting started, you can approach it in reverse: What does the Drill Sgt. think you and your life should look like and where are you now in relation to those judgements?

Now that you’ve identified the myriad ways you’re “not good enough” look at each item on your list and ask yourself: Is this my definition of good enough? Where did I get this idea that I needed this thing in order to be good enough? Do I want to continue to believe that?

Write out your definition of good enough based on your assessment above. What does your inner dictionary say that it means to be “good enough?”

Email me what you come up with – and if you can’t actually come up with a solid definition, just know that you’re in great company, because there isn’t one!!! It’s entirely subjective! That’s the point. You can create your own definition for good enough or you can continue to live by someone else’s.

I personally vote for the former.

Thank you for a fabulous year of growth and change. I’m committed to continuing to grow and learn and experience life to the fullest in 2010!! How about you?

Love

Whether you prefer one-on-one counselling (in-person, by phone, or email), our intensive and transformative workshops, or the self-help approach, take action today to have a stress-free relationship with food. Sign up for our free newsletter today (see the left top side of your screen). Newsletter subscribers receive exclusive product discounts and are first in line to get on all the latest new at CEDRIC. And watch for coming announcements about our web-based program!