This weekend was a lovely combination of solitude and company as my hubby and I went through our various routines. His involvement with the Anglican church means that I am able to have a fair bit of alone time, and we spent the rest of the time puttering or having a couple of nice drives and meals out.

He shows me he loves me in many ways, but this past week, he managed to drive a major point home.

I was bemoaning that I couldn’t find clothes to fit my 6 foot, 200 mumblemumble lb. frame and that what I did find was available in one store only and everybody else that was dealing with weight issues had the same clothes. We were in traffic in the car and I can remember that we were sitting in the left turn lane to the Blue Bridge when he turned to me and said ‘I love what’s in your head, I love your heart and I love you. I don’t see girth, I see beauty. Would you just appreciate the fact that you have what the majority of the population strives for and quit being so down on yourself?’

That was truly an ‘AHA’ moment for me.

What did he mean?
Continue reading “Tina’s Journey – Epiphany at the Blue Bridge” »

• Wondering how Cedric community members are faring with the work on values and their connection to eating disorder recovery? Very powerful! M #
• Driving in today I noticed all the beautiful cherry blossoms and felt gratitude for my own blossoming. Life is beautiful! #
• CEDRIC’s latest newsletter edition is out! Enjoy! #
• Spring is sprung, the grass is riz, I wonder where my bicycle is? #
• Drill sergeant #
• CEDRIC’s latest newsletter edition is out! Enjoy! #

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Forgive me for being macabre for a moment but…I am going to die. One day.

Could be 5 minutes from now, 5 days, one year, 20, 50, 75 years…..

I have very little control over when that happens or how. I may have lots of notice and have time to fulfill my own, personal “bucket list” or it may be sudden death – my death.

Despite the drama with which I’m putting this notion forth, these thoughts don’t depress or overwhelm me or trigger mortal dread: Unlike when, as a child, I first realized with abject terror that my parents were going to die one day – that their continued presence in my life was beyond my control – and was then also struck by the realization that I too would one day cease to exist.

No, these thoughts do not create distress for me, or sadness, or longing. Rather, they motivate me to live this moment as best I can. These thoughts motivate me to grow and to be the best that I can be in every moment. I know that in being the best that I can be in every moment I am doing my best to make the world a better place for however long I have the privilege of being able to contribute in mortal form.

Being the best I can be does not in any way mean perfect. I am far from that, as my son, friends, family and ex-boyfriends will attest to. It means honoring my values to the very best of my physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological ability every moment of every day. Continue reading “Finding Peace ~ Michelle Morand” »

There is a popular saying that claims that the squeaking wheel gets the grease.   The role of the Drill Sergeant is a huge squeaking wheel in CEDRIC philosophy, and it’s true that since this is the part of the problem that is the most vocal and apparent, it is what garners all the attention. I have come to view the role of the Drill Sergeant as the canary in the coal mine, in that if I have an inner voice that belabours and berates me, it is a sign that all is not right, and that there is a inadequacy of my self-esteem, which should be balanced enough to keep the negative internalizing at bay.

If most are like me, they’ve misunderstood and compounded the harm of this enormous squeak of this wheel by giving it credence for years, without really recognizing its value. Years of trying not to hear the harsh, hateful criticisms that blindsided me made me exceptionally good at one thing. Denial. I could block it out like I blocked out the immature noises my son made as a child, but was I doing myself any favours in this solution? In hindsight, I see that the answer to that is ‘hardly’.

In Gavin de Becker’s book ‘The Gift of Fear‘, he speaks of how our responses to threats are hardwired in us to protect us. He gives an example by showing how we listen to the protective instincts within ourselves when we get behind the wheel of an automobile. We look around us and subconsciously take in signals from others that indicate to us wether the car beside us is going to switch lanes or the vehicle ahead of us is about to turn right or left, but Becker says, the minute we get out of that car and shut the doors behind us, we turn off that instinctive personal radar and cease to listen to its warnings.

This phenomena of recognizing our protective reflexes in one situation yet negating them in others is very interesting to me. When I’m driving, I don’t hear the Drill Sergeant at all. I simply do what I have to do with him kept busy keeping the car where it should be, I guess. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed driving so much, it gave me a break from the relentless diatribe.

In Michelle Morand’s book, ‘Food is not the problem – Deal with what is‘, Michelle says that the Drill Sergeant likely uses the same tone of language and respect or disrespect as we experienced when we received when we were traumatized or forced to endure a difficult life passage. In my case, I know this explains why my DS sounds so much like my mother, with her clipped British tones to the never-ending German accent. She was very angry at her own life and would direct that rage at me whenever she decided I had let her down again. Now, I see that I am a textbook case for Michelle’s message and in a way, I’m lucky to have found someone who can help me to internalize a new kind of self understanding in order to move on. In a way, I feel like I’m being untangled, unscrambled, like the funhouse mirror is becoming less wonky and I can now trust my internal perceptions without the doubt that was generated by such a diminishing canary. Continue reading “The Next Phase of Healing: Allowing myself to be nurtured” »

• CEDRIC loves spring! O the flowers! Back again! #

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