Cedric Centre for Counselling Inc.

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Assuming vs Allowing

When we come from our old Drill Sgt.’s all-or-nothing mindset, we are always making assumptions about what’s going on; what people are thinking, feeling, doing; what they really intended to do or say; what they really want from us, and so on. This is such a great shame and also the cause of much of your current distress around any relationships. What makes it worse is that, like so many of your other coping strategies, you have mastered the art of assumption to such a degree that you are unaware that an assumption has been made. To you, it’s the absolute truth. In many cases, you will defend your perspective to the death (of the relationship, that is).

Once you lock yourself into the story that your perception is the truth and that there is no other explanation for a person’s actions or any other interpretation for their words, you have done yourself great harm. In essence, you have just said to yourself, and to the person you are in relationship with, that your perspective is the only perspective. You are right and they are wrong. And that’s that! You are also sending the message loud and clear that you don’t trust this person. You don’t believe them. Where is the other person to go with this? How do they deal with their feelings of hurt, and their needs for trust and safety in the relationship, if there is only one way or one answer, and it’s yours?

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